I 

I 

• 

I 


SYDNIE  ADRIANCE. 


POPULAR  BOOKS 

By     MISS     -A..    M.    1>OTJOI^A.8, 

Uniform  with  this  volume.    $1.50  each. 

1.  IN  TRUST; 

Or,  Dr.  BertrancTs  Household. 

2.  STEPHEN  DANE. 

3.  CLAUDIA. 

4.  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE; 

Or,  Trying  the  World. 


"The  style  of  fiction  of  this  author  is  not  of  that  sensational  character 
so  devoid  of  truth  and  nature  that  the  reader  can  find  no 
parallel  of  characters  in  real  life,  but  the  incidents  seem 
more  like  photographs  of  facts,  tinted  by  the  im- 
agination of  the  writer,  even  as  a  picture 
Is  touched  by  a  skilful  artist" 
American  Baptist. 

Sold  by  all  Booksellers  and  Newsdealers,  and  sent  by  mail, 
postpaid,  on  receipt  of  price. 

LEE  &  SHEPARD,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON. 


SYDNIE  ADRIANCE; 


OB, 


TRYING   THE   WORLD. 


BY 


AMANDA   M.  DOUGLAS, 

AUTHOR  OF  "  IN  TRUST,"  "  STEPHEN  DAME,"  "  CLAUDIA,"  ETC. 


Student.    How  does  the  book  begin,  go  on,  and  end? 
Fettut.   It  has  a  plan,  bat  no  plot.    Life  hath  none. 

BAILKY. 


BOSTON: 
LEE      AND      SHEPARD. 

•      1869. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1868,  by 

AMANDA   M.  DOUGLAS, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


JSertotyped  at  the  Boston  Stereotype  Foundry, 
19  Spring  Lane. 


TO 


MTRA   JENNIE    GERMOND, 

IN  REMEMBRANCE   OF  PAST  DAYS, 
SHADY  AND   SUNNY. 


2051-131 


STDNIE   ADRIANCE; 

OB, 

THE    WORLD. 


CHAPTER  I. 

"  Our  birth  is  but  a  sleep  nnd  a  forgetting; 

Tin'  soul  that  rifles  with  us,  our  life's  star, 
Hath  had  elsewhere  its  setting, 

And  cometh  from  afar. 
Not  in  entire  forgetfulness, 

And  not  in  utter  nakedness, 
But  trailing  clouds  of  glory  do  we  come 
From  (;Jod,  who  is  our  home." 

WORDSWORTH. 

I  BELIEVE  I  shall  keep  a  journal. 

It  is  one  of  those  sullenly  rainy  days  in  summer  when 
Nature  seems  determined  to  maintain  a  perpetual  drizzle 
without  accomplishing  much ;  a  purposeless,  vague,  dreamy 
day.  An  indistinct  presence  fills  the  silent  spaces  with 
phantoms  half  human,  and  my  mood,  speculative  and 
questioning,  chimes  in  with  it.  Since  my  little  bark  of 
life,  freighted  with  one  human  heart,  is  about  to  commence 
her  voyage  on  the  broad  ocean  of  the  world,  it  may  inter- 
est me  to  note  the  incidents. 

Three  months  ago  I  was  eighteen.  Now  it  is  July.  I 
have  graduated  at  school,  nnd  am  awaiting  the  arrival  of 
my  guardian,  who  is  doubtless  an  elderly,  good-natured, 
prosy  sort  of  man,  of  whom  I  know  absolutely  nothing, 

(9) 


10  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

except  that  I  am  to  be  brought  out  under  the  auspices  of 
his  sister,  who  is  a  widow.  My  dear,  kind  Mr.  Anthon, 
whom  I  did  love,  has  been  dead  two  years,  and  these  St. 
Johns  are  distant  relatives  of  his. 

Some  curious  spell  has  followed  me  thus  far.  A  life 
not  wanting  in  incident,  but  deficient  in  all  the  brightness 
and  glad  hopes  that  make  childhood  a  fairy  land,  —  an  en- 
chanted country  that  one  can  retire  to  when  the  cares  of 
the  world  press  hard  and  close.  But  if  the  tales  of  poets 
are  true,  I  do  not  think  I  had  any  childhood. 

My  first  remembrance  seems  to  be  of  a  deep  forest,  so 
thickly  wooded  that  the  light  penetrated  only  at  rare  in- 
tervals. A  ledge  of  rock  ran  through  it,  threaded  by  a 
small  rivulet,  whose  trickle  made  a  pleasant  melody.  I 
believe  that  spot  was  my  birthplace.  No  matter  where 
my  mortal  eyes  first  saw  the  light,  my  soul  sprang  into 
existence  there,  baptized  in  floods  of  solemn  glory,  and  my 
natal  hymn  chanted  by  winds  that  blew  "gales  from 
heaven." 

After  this  comes  a  picture  of  a  dark,  gloomy  house,  with 
great  eaves  shadowing  the  windows;  trees,  tall  and 
straight;  old-fashioned  flower-beds,  stiff  and  formal,  un- 
like the  freedom  and  grace  of  nature.  I  wonder  now  if 
they  never  felt  tempted  to  rebel?  ./did  when  my  oppor- 
tunity came. 

The  place  was  roomy,  but  only  three  apartments  were 
in  general  use.  Once  a  year,  when  the  clergyman  came 
to  tea,  the  parlor  was  opened.  The  furniture  was  all 
heavy  and  dark,  every  article  kept  strictly  in  its  place. 
Here  I  lived  with  my  two  great-aunts  and  a  serving  man. 
The  former  were  maiden  ladies,  always  old  to  me,  reticent 
to  sternness,  yet  not  harsh.  They  were  invariably  dressed 
with  the  utmost  neatness ;  they  never  talked  loud  or  fast ; 
went  about  the  house  quietly,  and  performed  the  same 
tapir".  •- .  ~  cf*":r  f1-""  TT*:'1  ~~  '  ''  "  ' 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  11 

Aunt  Mildred  was  a  trifle  the  smaller.  I  think,  too,  she 
had  a  gentler  nature ;  and  though  I  never  clung  to  her,  I 
had  a  different  feeling  concerning  her.  Children  soon 
learn  to  make  distinctions.  They  were  not  tender  women. 
Neither  ever  caressed  me.  I  did  not  miss  it,  for  all  those 
early  years  my  life  must  have  been  mere  negation. 

One  day  an  incident  occurred  that  changed  the  tenor 
of  my  thoughts.  A  lady  visited  us,  bringing  a  little  girl 
of  my  own  age.  I  was  shy  at  first,  but  she  most  gracious. 
Golden-haired  and  fair  as  a  lily,  I  took  her  at  once  as  a 
type  of  the  angels  of  my  Bible  stories.  But,  alas !  she  was 
vain,  self-willed,  imperious  in  temper,  and  full  of  petty 
deceit.  My  creed  up  to  this  time  had  been  very  simple, 
and  the  child  astonished  me.  Her  mother  kissed  and 
petted  her  continually,  and  there  came  to  my  heart  a 
strange  want. 

Being  a  novice  in  the  art  of  entertainment,  I  took  her 
to  my  nook  in  the  woods,  and  I  certainly  must  have 
amazed  the  poor  child  by  my  eloquent  description. 

"Is  it  your  play-house?"  she  asked.  " Have  you  dollies 
and  dishes  in  it  ?  Why  doesn't  your  aunt  give  you  some 
cake  and  sweetmeats  to  take  there?" 

"  It's  like  a  cathedral,"  I  returned,  though  I  confess  my 
notions  on  the  subject  of  cathedrals  were  exceedingly 
vague.  "  If  I  had  a  doll  I  shouldn't  take  it.  Dolls  can't 
see  nor  think." 

"I'm  afraid,"  she  said,  shivering.  "There  are  ghosts 
and  witches  in  such  dark  places.  I  don't  want  to  go." 

"  It's  so  beautiful ! "  I  returned.  "  And  I  never  saw  a 
ghost.  I  don't  believe  there  are  any." 

We  trudged  on.  I  half  carried  her,  in  spite  of  her  de- 
sire to  return.  At  length  we  reached  the  summit  of  the 
rock,  and  I  waited  for  her  to  be  entranced  with  the  weird 
beauty.  She  stared  around  with  a  look  of  blank  wonder. 


12  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

"I  don't  see  anything  but  rocks  and  trees,"  she  ex- 
claimed, pettishly,  "It's  a  dismal  place,  and  I  want  to  go. 
home." 

Taking  her  in  my  arms,  I  walked  down  with  an  indig- 
nant heart.  It  seemed  sacrilege  to  let  her  feet  so  much  as 
touch  a  dead  leaf.  Ah  !  I  did  not  know  then  that  some 
souls  were  born  deaf  and  blifid,  except  as  to  material 
wants.  And  when,  a  few  days  after,  as  I  was  enjoying 
the  grandeur  of  a  summer  shower,  with  its  vivid  lightning 
and  heavy  tread  of  thunder,  she  buried  her  face  in  her 
mother's  lap,  and  shrieked  with  terror  until  the  shutters 
were  closed,  the  measure  of  my  contempt  for  her  was  full. 

Yet  that  brief  visit  worked  a  great  change  in  my  child- 
ish ideas.  My  mother  was  dead.  I  had  seen  her  grave  in 
the  churchyard  ;  but  I  had  never  heard  my  father  spoken 
of.  I  speculated  a  while,  and  one  day,  as  I  sat  sewing,  I 
said,  suddenly,  — 

"  Aunt  Mildred,  where  is  my  father  ?  " 

She  let  her  work  fall,  and  started  in  surprise ;  but  aunt 
Hester  answered  sternly,  — 

"He  is  dead." 

"Why. is  he  not  buried  with  my  mother?" 

"  He  did  not  die  here,"  aunt  Mildred  said,  recovering 
herself.  Then,  carelessly,  "  Sydnie,  run,  find  Peter,  I 
want  to  see  him  before  he  goes  to  the  village." 

My  errand  did  not  detain  me  a  moment.  Crossing  the 
hall  I  heard  aunt  Hester  say,  in  a  louder  key  than 
usual,  — 

"  I  tell  you  she  shall  be  brought  up  to  despise  her  father 
as  much  as  her  silly,  infatuated  mother  loved  him." 

"  You  forget  that  in  two  years  she  can  have  her  choice 
to  go  or  stay." 

"She  shall  hear  my  story  first,  I  mean  to  keep  this 
girl.  She  is  the  last  of  our  family,  and  who  has  a  better 


TRYING  THE  WORLD,  13 

right  ?  Her  father  and  grandfather  have  caused  us  suffer- 
ing enough." 

When  I  entered  they  subsided  into  their  usual  gravity, 
I  was  afraid  to  ask  any  further  questions ;  but  that  even- 
ing, meeting  Peter  in  the  garden,  I  said,  eagerly,  — 

"  Did  you  ever  see  my  father,  Peter  ?  " 

"  What  do  you  know  about  him  ?  "  the  man  asked,  in 
surprise. 

"  I  know  that  my  mother  loved  him,"  was  my  confident 
reply ;  and  love  was  no  longer  an  idle  term  with  me. 

"  Poor  child,  it  would  have  been  better  for  her  if  she 
had  never  seen  him." 

"  Why  ?  "  was  my  importunate  question,  "  Is  he  really 
dead  ?  and  why  did  he  go  away  when  my  mother  loved 
him?" 

"  It's  no  story  for  little  girls.  Your  aunts  will  tell  you 
about  it  some  day." 

I  had  to  content  myself  thera  Trained  to  habits  of 
implicit  obedience,  I  had  not  the  confidence  to  venture 
upon  any  overt  act,  and  there  really  seemed  nothing  to  do. 
So  I  wondered  what  would  happen  in  two  years.  It  was 
like  a  lifetime.  But  I  went  on  with  the  old  routine* 
Studying  and  sewing  at  stated  hours,  reading  aloud,  ram- 
bling about  the  woods,  taking  occasional  drives  with  my 
aunts,  and  going  to  church  on  Sundays,  were  the  events 
of  my  life,  I  began  to  realize  that  I  was  shut  away  from 
the  world,  as  it  were,  —  the  world  that  I  learned  about  in 
my  books,  —  and  I  longed  for  some  change  with  an  inten- 
sity that  fairly  exhausted  my  strength.  Aunt  Mildred 
grew  tenderer  towards  me  ;  but  I  needed  more  than  pas- 
sive kindness. 

One  incident  alone  broke  the  vague  dreaminess  of  those 
years.  There  was  a  room  adjoining  the  parlor  that  I  bad 
never  seen  open;  but  finding  the  door  ajar  during  the  an.- 


14  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

nual  cleaning,  I  ventured  in  with  great  trepidation.  I 
remember  it  being  a  perfect  May  morning,  with  floods  of 
sunshine  falling  everywhere.  Even  here  it  had  penetrated. 
Of  furniture  or  arrangement  I  took  little  note.  On  the 
wall  hung  a  portrait  of  such  exquisite  beauty  that  I  was 
transfixed.  Some  strange  and  subtile  intuition  thrilled  me 
at  once.  "Edith,  aged  19,"  sleeping  in  her  churchyard 
grave,  became  a  sudden  reality  to  me.  I  clasped  my  hands 
with  a  low  cry,  "  Mother !  mother ! "  Hardly  more  than  a 
whisper,  yet  my  own  voice  frightened  me.  I  stood  there 
until  a  hand  touched  my  shoulder.  Turning,  I  saw  aunt 
Mildred. 

"  It  is  my  mother !  "  I  exclaimed,  almost  angrily. 

"  Yes.  Hush ;  come  away.  Some  time  I  will  tell  you 
about  her,"  and  the  vision  was  shut  out  of  my  longing 
eight. 

"  Tell  me  now,"  I  cried. 

"  Hush.  I  have  promised  that  I  would  not.  When  you 
are  twelve  years  old  you  shall  know  the  story.  Be  patient 
until  then." 

How  was  I  to  be  patient  a  whole  year?  I  cannot  tell 
now  how  I  endured  it,  but  never  was  year  so  long.  I  used 
to  have  a  fancy  that  aunt  Mildred  shunned  me ;  that  as 
the  time  approached  she  grew  colder  and  more  distant. 
What  change  was  impending? 

How  clearly  I  remember  the  day !  With  earliest  dawn 
I  was  awake.  Birds  were  twittering  among  the  trees, 
breezes  odorous  with  the  peculiar  freshness  of  spring  swept 
through  my  room  as  I  opened  the  window.  I  no  longer 
shared  my  aunts'  apartment,  and  here  I  reigned  sole  mis- 
tress. Twelve  years  old!  What  would  happen  to  me 
before  night?  It  fairly  annoyed  me  that  everything 
should  be  unchanged.  The  breakfast  table,  the  same  light 
household  tasks,  the  quiet  orders.  Presently  I  brought 
my  books. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  15 

"  We  will  not  have  any  lessons,  since  it  is  your  birth- 
day," aunt  Hester  began,  graciously.  "  Your  aunt  Mil- 
dred and  I  have  been  preparing  some  gifts  for  you,  and 
after  dinner  we  will  take  a  pleasant  drive.  You  are  grow- 
ing a  large  girl  now,  and  will  become  more  and  more  of  a 
companion  to  us." 

I  was  amazed  and  delighted.  Some  new  dresses,  that 
looked  lovely  to  my  inexperienced  eyes,  a  hat  with  a 
beautiful  wreath  of  flowers,  books,  a  work-box  in  com- 
plete order,  a  drawing-book  with  a  set  of  pencils,  and  a 
small  gold  locket.  I  broke  into  the  wildest  enthusiasm ; 
and  though  I  thought  of  my  mother,  and  the  story  I  was 
to  hear,  it  seemed  like  ingratitude  to  remind  them  of  it 
now.  Indeed  I  was  busy  enough  arranging  my  treasures, 
and  noon  came  before  I  was  aware. 

A  little  while  after  dinner  I  stood  on  the  porch,  dressed 
in  my  new  finery,  waiting  for  aunt  Mildred.  A  man 
came  briskly  up  the  path,  and,  in  answer  to  my  exclama- 
tion, aunt  Hester  turned.  Even  now  I  can  recall  the 
ashen  hue  that  overspread  her  countenance. 

"Miss  Adriance,"  the  stranger  said,  holding  out  his 
hand,  "  I  hope  I  find  you  in  good  health.  Is  this  my 
little  ward  ?  " 

Something  in  his  face  and  voice  attracted  me  wonder- 
fully. The  health,  vigor,  and  cheerfulness,  the  breezy  ring 
in  the  tones,  the  bright  smile,  were  like  letting  the  sun- 
shine into  a  dark  room. 

"You  seem  to  be  in  great  haste,"  aunt  Hester  said, 
sharply. 

He  laughed.  "  I  believe  the  stipulation  was  that  I  should 
come  to-day.  Isn't  it  her  birthday?"  nodding  to  me. 

"Yes,"  I  answered,  with  sudden  boldness. 

Aunt  Mildred  made  her  appearance,  but  started  back  in 
dismay  when  she  observed  the  visitor. 


16  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  If  you  were  going  out,  I  will  not  detain  you  now," 
he  said.  "  We  can  have  our  talk  afterwards." 

"It  makes  no  difference,"  was  the  haughty  reply.  "  Pe- 
ter,"—  as  he  was  driving  around,  —  "we  shall  not  go  this 
afternoon.  —  Will  you  walk  in  ?  " 

We  all  followed  aunt  Hester  to  the  state  parlor.  She 
opened  the  shutters,  and  begged  the  guest  to  be  seated. 
Then  she  would  have  dismissed  me. 

"You  have  told  her  how  she  is  situated,  I  presume,"  he 
said.  "  Have  you  decided  whether  you  will  try  the  Vorld, 
little  girl,  or  stay  here  in  your  cloister?" 

"She  knows  nothing,"  aunt  Hester  interrupted.  "A 
child  like  her  could  not  understand." 

"I  mean  that  she  shall  understand  fully,"  he  said,  deci- 
sively. "  I  certainly  shall  keep  the  promise  I  made  to  her 
dying  mother.  At  the  age  of  twelve,  you  know,  she  was 
to  have  her  choice  —  to  remain  here,  or  to  go  away  to 
school." 

"  Sydnie,"  my  aunt  said,  "  go  to  your  room  and  lay  aside 
your  hat.  You  can  return  presently." 

I  obeyed,  but  remained  up  stairs  thinking  of  what  I 
had  heard.  How  many  times  during  the  last  year  I  had 
felt  cramped  and  fettered  in  this  narrow  life!  And  to 
get  out  of  it  with  a  bound,  to  be  free,  to  see  something 
besides  this  lonely  house  !  The  idea  carried  me  captive. 

Aunt  Hester  broke  in  upon  my  reverie.  The  story  that 
I  had  longed  for  was  given  in  a  bitter,  resentful  manner. 
My  mother,  after  years  of  care  and  kindness,  had  eloped 
with  a  poor,  miserable  wretch,  who  had  married  her  simply 
for  her  money,  and,  failing  to  obtain  possession  of  that, 
had  deserted  her.  She  had  come  back  to  them  broken- 
hearted, and  they  had  received  her,  or  rather  they  had 
gone  to  her  in  her  extremity,  and  at  her  death,  which  had 
occurred  shortly  after,  taken  sole  charge  of  me.  Mr.  An- 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  17 

thon  had  also  been  appointed  my  guardian,  and,  as  he  had 
already  said,  at  the  age  of  twelve  I  should  be  at  liberty  to 
go  to  school  if  I  chose.  She  set  forth  the  hardship  and 
trials  of  school  life,  the  duty  I  owed  them  for  their  years 
of  kindness,  the  impossibility  of  my  leaving  them,  and 
presently  allowed  me  to  go  to  Mr.  Antbon. 

I  was  in  a  whirl  of  confusion,  my  bright  visions  sadly 
dimmed.  I  must  have  betrayed  it  in  my  face,  for  Mr.  An- 
thon  drew  me  near  him  and  soothed  me  with  his  kindly 
voice. 

"  It  will  be  a  hard  fight,  little  girl,"  he  said, "  and  but  for 
one  or  two  reasons  I  should  not  urge  you  to  make  it. 
Your  mother  was  most  anxious  you  should  be  brought  up 
with  companions  of  your  own  age.  She  traced  some  of 
the  misfortunes  of  her  life  to  her  lack  of  knowledge 
and  experience,  and  she  wished  you  to  be  forewarned. 
She  was  left  a  babe,  in  the  charge  of  her  father's  sisters. 
I  believe  he  had  disappointed  them  a  good  deal  in  his 
marriage.  They  loved  her  with  a  jealous,  extravagant 
fondness;  but  a  younger  heart  won  her;  and  when  they 
forbade  her  lover  the  house,  she  listened  to  him  and  eloped. 
It  was  unwisely  done,  poor  child.  The  story  is  too  sad 
for  one  so  young  as  you.  Suffice  it  that  they  are  both 
dead.  It  was  her  wish  that  at  twelve  you  should  go  to 
school,  and  see  more  of  the  world  than  is  possible  in  this 
secluded  corner.  I  think  it  best  also.  Your  great-aunts 
are  past  the  prime  of  life ;  and,  though  it  would  be  pleas- 
ant for  them  to  keep  you,  at  their  death  you  would  be 
altogether  unfitted  for  occupying  the  position  you  might 
take.  They  consult  their  wishes  instead  of  your  good." 

A  child  is  easily  won  perhaps.  I  thought  of  the  last 
two  dreary  years,  and  how  constantly  I  had  wished  for  a 
change.  If  I  only  dared  to  go !  But  what  if  I  should 
not  like  it? 

9, 


18  SYDNIE   ADBIANCB,   OB 

He  laughed  genially. 

"  No  fear  of  that,  I  think ;  and  if  you're  tired  of  it  in 
three  months'  time,  I'll  promise  to  bring  you  back." 

Mr.  Anthon  staid  all  night.  During  the  evening  I 
could  not  help  contrasting  him  with  my  aunts.  How  prim 
and  austere  they  seemed !  How  sharp  aunt  Hester's  tones 
were! 

"  Aunt  Mildred,"  I  said,  the  next  morning, "  what  would 
you  do?" 

A  strange,  pained  look  came  into  her  face. 

"  Child,"  she  answered,  huskily,  "  do  as  you  like." 

"I  should  like  to  go,"  I  said,  slowly. 

She  came  quite  close  to  me,  and  I  observed  how  tremu- 
lous her  tones  were. 

"  It  will  be  hard  to  part  from  you,  but  I  think  you  are 
right.  Aunt  Hester  has  all  the  Adriance  pride.  She 
would  like  you  to  stay  here,  and  carry  on  the  old  place 
after  we  are  dead.  You  couldn't  do  it  —  one  woman 
alone.  You  need  something  different  from  this.  What 
happiness  or  pleasure  would  there  be  in  it  ?  " 

"You  will  not  think  me  ungrateful,"  I  said,  hesitat- 
ingly- 

"No,  no;  unless  the  after  years  prove  you  so.  I  will 
not  advise,  for  it  seems  traitorous  to*  go  against  my  own. 
sister,  but  —  " 

We  looked  at  each  other.  I  understood  what  she 
meant.  We  were  not  in  the  habit  of  giving  confidences, 
nor  was  I  a  demonstrative  child;  but  she  stooped  and 
kissed  me,  and  I  felt  armed  with  her  approval. 

My  wardrobe  was  arranged  with  a  sort  of  sullen  indiffer- 
ence. I  believe  I  was  really  glad  to  go  at  the  last,  though 
grieved  at  parting  with  aunt  Mildred.  But  Mr.  Anthon 
kept  me  in  fine  spirits  during  the  journey;  and  when  we 
reached  my  new  home  I  found  my  courage  equal  to  the 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  19 

emergency.  Two  of  Mr.  Anthon's  nieces  were  there,  rosy, 
laughing  girls,  resembling  him  so  nearly  that  I  soon  felt  at 
ease  with  them ;  and  though  shy  to  a  degree  that  only  a 
child  accustomed  to  a  solitary  life  could  realize,  in  the 
course  of  a  few  weeks  I  began  to  feel  contented  and  satis- 
fied. My  tasks  were  not  hard,  and  music,  being  an  entirely 
new  pleasure,  enraptured  me. 

My  vacation  came  in  October,  and  Mr.  Anthon  took  me 
home.  The  place  chilled  me.  I  wondered  how  these  two 
women  could  go  on  in  such  an  apathetical  round.  Glad 
enough  was  I  to  get  back  to  school.  I  began  to  realize 
how  wide  a  gulf  there  was  between  us,  made  not  only  by 
years,  but  habit,  prejudices,  and  perhaps  blood  ;  for  I 
confess  I  felt  a  little  akin  to  my  father.  Mr.  Anthon  had 
once  said  that  my  mother  never  blamed  him ;  and  that 
was  enough  for  me. 

One  bleak  midwinter  day  I  was  suddenly  summoned  to 
the  drawing-room,  and  found  my  guardian  quite  unlike 
his  usual  cheery  self.  Indeed,  I  had  never  seen  him  look 
so  grave. 

"  I  am  the  bearer  of  bad  news,  little  girl,"  he  said,  slowly. 
"You  must  go  home  immediately.  Your  aunt  Mildred  is 
very  ill,  and  desires  to  see  you." 

My  heart  yearned  towards  her  instantly. 

"  Aunt  Hester  is  well  ?  "  was  half  question,  half  assertion. 

"I  don't  want  to  shock  you;  but  there  have  been  sad 
times  in  the  old  house.  Miss  Hester  was  taken  with 
paralysis  a  fortnight  ago ;  but  she  rallied  very  soon,  and 
was  thought  improving  until  yesterday,  when  she  had 
another  attack,  which  proved  fatal  in  a  few  hours.  Your 
aunt  Mildred,  worn  out  with  nursing  her,  is  now  ill  with 
a  fever.  She  despatched  a  messenger  to  me  early  this 
morning.  It  is  too  late  to  start  to-night,  but  we  will  go 
to-morrow  as  soon  as  you  can  get  ready." 


20  SYDNIE  ADKIANCE,   OB 

Mrs.  Derwent,  the  principal,  was  summoned  to  a  consul- 
tation, and  all  arrangements  made  for  my  journey.  I 
know  now  that  I  must  have  seemed  a  most  peculiar  child 
to  her.  I  was  more  stunned  than  grieved  ;  and  then  even 
the  idea  of  death  was  new  to  me. 

It  was  nearly  dusk  of  the  short  winter  day  when  we 
reached  home.  I  shivered  as  I  walked  slowly  up  the  gar- 
den path.  The  frozen  ground  gave  back  a  sullen  thud  to 
my  tread,  and  the  hoarse  wind  sang  dismally  among  the 
leafless  trees.  No  matter  how  quiet  a  place  may  be  nat- 
urally, the  presence  of  death  renders  it  more  solemn.  I 
felt  the  oppression  in  every  nerve,  for  I  had  become  so  ac- 
customed to  stir  and  tumult,  and  the  glad  voices  of  chil- 
dren. 

A  strange  woman  received  us,  but  I  went  up  to  aunt 
Mildred's  room  as  soon  as  I  took  off  my  wrappings.  I 
was  shocked  by  the  change  in  her.  The  face  was  wan 
and  ashy  pale,  the  soft  eyes  preternaturally  bright  with  the 
fever  that  was  consuming  her.  There  was  some  passion 
in  my  heart,  although  it  had  been  dwarfed  by  the  absence 
of  nourishing  sympathies,  and  now  it  rushed  to  the  surface 
like  a  flood.  I  threw  my  arms  over  the  pillow,  and  kissed 
her  with  remorseful  tenderness,  exclaiming,  in  tones  of 
anguish,  — 

"  O,  aunt  Mildred,  you  must  not  die !  Only  live,  and 
I  will  never,  never  leave  you  again.  I  was  wrong  in  want- 
ing to  go  away." 

"  Child,"  she  said,  "  do  not  distress  yourself.  Remember 
that  I  am  an  old  woman,  and  could  not  expect  much  more 
of  life.  God  is  wiser  than  we,  and  knows  best." 

Something  in  her  tone  awed  me. 

"We  are  the  last  of  our  race,  and  it  is  well,"  she  went 
on,  slowly.  "There  is  a  different  current  running  through 
your  veins.  Mine  was  warmer  in  youth;  and  yet  the 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  21 

bright  hopes  of  life  never  prospered  with  me.  We  were 
both  proud,  too  proud.  One  sees  it  at  the  last.  Has  Mr. 
Anthon  come  ?  I  want  to  talk  with  him." 

"You  are  not  able,"  the  nurse  said. 

"  As  able  as  I  shall  ever  be.  After  supper  I  want  him 
sent  to  inc.  There  is  a  little  business  to  transact." 

I  sat  by  the  bed,  holding  her  hand,  until  called  down 
stairs.  I  saw  no  more  of  her  that  evening ;  but  Mr.  An- 
thon spent  nearly  an  hour  with  me,  trying  to  comfort  and 
advise. 

The  next  day  aunt  Hester  was  buried.  A  lonesome 
funeral,  for  she  had  in  her  lifetime  secluded  herself  from 
friends  and  neighbors.  I  took  one  glance  at  the  rigid 
face,  but  it  looked  so  unlike  my  remembrance  of  her  that 
I  could  hardly  realize  the  fact  of  relationship.  Aunt  Mil- 
dred had  seemed  improving,  though  her  recovery  was 
considered  impossible. 

This  second  evening  set  in  chill  and  rainy.  My  supper 
was  sent  away  untouched,  and  presently  I  was  summoned 
to  the  sick  room. 

Aunt  Mildred  dismissed  her  nurse,  and  drew  me  to  the 
very  edge  of  the  bed.  I  kissed  the  wrinkled  cheek,  and 
took  her  hands  in  mine. 

"  I  have  a  long  story  to  tell  you,"  she  began,  "  and  I 
will  not  defer  it  until  too  late.  When  you  are  older  you 
will  understand  it  better,  but  I  shall  not  be  here  then. 
Try  to  judge  us  both  leniently." 

She  moved  uneasily  upon  the  pillow,  and  I  felt  her 
clasp  tighten. 

"  You  asked  me  once  about  your  mother.  Your  grand- 
father married,  abroad,  a  Spanish  woman  of  wonderful 
beauty.  He  brought  her  home  soon  after  your  mother's 
birth ;  and  he  came  back  only  to  die,  for  his  health  had 
been  delicate  many  years.  He  had  wasted  the  larger  part 


22  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

of  his  fortune,  and  his  wife  and  child  were  left  to  our 
care.  Between  Mrs.  Ad  nance  and  Hester  there  was  a 
strong  antagonism.  She  remained  with  us  simply  because 
she  had  no  other  home ;  but  it  was  only  for  a  few  years. 
She  died  suddenly,  and  her  child  was  ours.  My  sister 
exulted  in  this.  She  watched  the  little  one  with  a  more 
than  mother's  fondness  and  jealous  care.  We  were  com- 
paratively young  then,  and  had  not  so  completely  given 
tip  society.  Your  mother  was  beautiful  and  attractive, 
and  was  barely  seventeen  when  she  announced  her  en- 
gagement with  a  young  man  of  whom  we  knew  nothing. 
Aunt  Hester  was  very  angry.  She  dismissed  him  herself, 
and  bade  your  mother  forget  him.  Being  high-spirited, 
this  led  to  a  bitter  quarrel,  which  was  ended  at  length  by 
your  mother  leaving  her  home  and  becoming  a  wife.  I 
tried  to  intercede  for  her,  but  it  was  useless.  She  wrote 
two  or  three  very  sweet  letters,  but  Hester  remained  im- 
placable, and  declared  her  disowned  forever. 

u  Some  fifteen  months  afterwards  she  wrote  again,  beg- 
ging that  her  small  fortune  might  be  advanced,  as  they 
were  in  pressing  want,  and  her  husband's  health  had  failed. 
Hester  paid  no  attention  to  this ;  but  in  a  few  weeks 
another  letter  was  received,  imploring  us  to  hasten  to  her 
immediately.  I  was  not  well,  so  Hester  went  alone,  and 
shortly  afterwards  returned  with  your  mother  and  your- 
self, then  but  two  months  of  age.  How  changed  from  the 
bright  girl  who  had  once  been  our  delight !  Your  father 
had  gone  to  his  relatives,  and  died  after  a  short  illness, 
though  she  confessed  that  he  had  overtasked  himself  by 
some  exertion  that  had  brought  on  one  attack  of  hemor- 
rhage before  he  left  her.  His  relatives  had  discarded  her 
altogether,  and  she  was  indeed  broken-hearted.  She 
wasted  away  rapidly,  and  soon  added  another  to  the  list 
of  early  deaths.  One  day,  shortly  after  the  burial,  a 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  23 

stranger  visited  us  and  held  a  long  conversation  with 
Hester.  Whatever  the  subject  was  she  kept  to  herself, 
only  when  she  came  in  the  room  afterwards  I  noted  that 
her  face  had  a  strange,  set  look,  and  her  lips  were  nearly 
colorless. 

"'This  child  is  all  ours,'  she  said,  fiercely.  'The  world 
shall  be  shut  out  from  her  as  rigidly  as  if  she  were  in  a 
convent.  She  shall  have  no  chance  for  friendship  or  love 
beyond  us.' 

"I  should  have  told  you  that  your  mother  appointed 
Mr.  Anthon  your  guardian,  and  arranged  that  you  should 
go  to  school  for  two  years  when  you  had  reached  the  age 
of  twelve,  and  after  that  choose  whether  you  would  remain 
with  us,  or  henceforward  battle  with  life  yourself.  Aunt 
Hester  resolved  to  bring  you  up  in  such  seclusion  that  you 
would  be  unhappy  among  strangers,  and  wish  to  return, 
knowing  well  that  Mr.  Anthon  would  not  insist  upon  your 
staying  if  it  rendered  you  really  miserable.  I  made  some 
weak  attempts  to  interfere,  but  she  was  always  the  stronger 
and  overruled  me ;  and,  though  I  loved  you,  I  was  help- 
less. Besides,  you  appeared  cheerful  and  contented,  and  I 
was  afraid  of  rendering  you  dissatisfied,  without  being  able 
to  place  any  better  aliment  in  your  way.  Forgive  us 
both  —  my  weakness  and  her  jealous  coldness.  Old  blood 
does  not  warm  easily.  I  want  you  to  have  a  happier  life 
than  we  ever  knew.  This  place  is  to  be  sold.  Mr.  An- 
thon will  tell  you  the  rest.  Kiss  me,  child,  and  remember 
me  kindly  when  I  am  gone.  Mine  has  been  a  poor,  wasted 
life." 

I  kissed  her  with  a  strange  awe,  and  hardly  understood 
the  full  import  of  what  she  had  said. 

"  Call  the  nurse." 

The  woman  would  have  sent  me  away,  but  I  felt  that 
aunt  Mildred  wanted  me,  for  the  wistful  eyes  watched  me 


24  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OB 

unceasingly.  I  promised  to  be  very  quiet,  and  kept  my 
seat,  still  holding  her  hand.  She  was  very  much  exhausted, 
and  scarcely  seemed  to  breathe. 

That  was  a  weird,  ghostly  night,  and  haunts  me  yet. 
The  red  blaze  of  the  logs  upon  the  hearth,  the  fitful  glare 
of  the  candle,  the  winds  moaning  outside,  dashing  fierce 
gusts  of  rain  against  the  windows,  and  the  awesome  silence 
within.  I  tried  to  think  of  my  mother,  but  all  in  my  brain 
was  chaos.  The  nurse  seated  herself  by  the  fire,  and  pres- 
ently fell  into  a  doze.  I  was  not  a  coward,  yet  a  peculiar 
fear  seemed  to  pervade  every  nerve,  and  I  watched  breath- 
lessly for  something  that  I  could  not  define  or  shape  into 
thought.  The  candle  burned  dimly,  the  blaze  on  the 
hearth  began  to  smoulder,  and  the  room  was  peopled  with 
phantoms. 

There  was  a  stir,  and  a  feeble  voice  murmured,  "  Syd- 
nie  I " 

I  bent  over  aunt  Mildred  until  my  cheek  touched  hers. 
It  was  unlike  anything  I  had  ever  felt. 

"  One  thing  more.  Forgive  her  —  poor,  worn  heart,  dis- 
tracted with  its  own  jealous  longings.  I  know  she  was 
sorry  afterwards;  but  she  destroyed  it  in  a  moment  of 
fierce  passion.  The  picture  —  " 

I  was  too  much  frightened  to  comprehend,  or  utter  any 
cry. 

"Is  it  morning?" 

"  No,"  I  said ;  "  it  must  be  near  midnight." 

"God  help  us  all,  for  we  are  weak,  and  the  way  is 
thorny.  Child,  Sydnie,  let  us  go,  for  the  day  breaks." 

She  clutched  my  hand,  and  partially  raised  herself,  then 
fell  back.  I  understood  the  struggle,  yet  could  not  stir, 
fascinated  by  the  very  terror.  How  many  moments 
I  know  not,  but  the  candle  gave  an  expiring  flash,  and 
went  out.  The  nurse  roused  herself,  and  lighted  another. 


TRYING  TUB  WORLD.  25 

Coming  to  the  bed,  she  glanced  at  the  set  and  stony 
eyes. 

"Why,  miss,  she's  dead  !"  was  her  terrified  exclamation. 

It  was  blindness,  darkness,  nothingness  to  me.  I  knew 
they  took  me  out  of  the  room,  but  for  days  after  that  I 
was  ill  for  the  first  time  in  my  life. 

Mr.  Anthon  staid  until  I  was  sufficiently  recovered  to 
go  back  to  school.  I  was  thankful  to  leave  the  dreary 
place,  and  glad  to  hear  that  it  was  to  be  sold.  My  moth- 
er's portrait  had  been  destroyed  by  a  ruthless  hand,  so 
there  was  nothing  I  cared  to  retain. 

"  There'll  be  a  brighter  life  before  you,"  my  guardian 
said,  kindly.  "  Those  two  old  women  moped  themselves 
to  death,  and  Avere  full  of  whims  and  cranks.  It  was 
enough  to  kill  any  child.  And  I  don't  think  Miss  Hester 
did  the  right  thing  by  you  or  your  mother.  However, 
that's  all  over  now." 

It  was  not  all  over  with  me  for  a  long  while ;  but  I  did 
outgrow  those  impressions  with  the  years.  Three  were 
spent  with  Mrs.  Derwcnt,  then  a  change  was  deemed  ad- 
visable. In  my  quiet,  self-contained  way  I  had  learned 
to  love  Mr.  Anthon  dearly.  Every  vacation  was  made 
delightful  by  some  pleasure  trip,  wearing  away  more  and 
more  the  isolation  produced  by  my  childhood. 

Two  years  ago  he  died,  as  I  have  said.  I  missed  him 
sorely,  and  am  afraid  I  shall  not  take  kindly  to  my  new 
guardians,  Mr.  St.  John  and  his  widowed  sister,  Mrs.  Law- 
rence. She  called,  shortly  after  her  relative's  death  ;  but 
all  I  seem  to  remember  was  a  glitter  of  silk  and  lace,  and 
a  shimmer  of  blonde  curls.  I  am  to  enter  society  under 
her  auspices. 

I  wonder  howl  shall  like  the  great  world !  Most  of 
the  girls  are  eager  to  try  it ;  but  1  dread  leaving  my  clois- 


26  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OB 

ter.  We  have  gossiped  over  it  in  a  thoughtless  fashion, 
as  if  love  and  marriage  were  all. 

It  is  curious  to  stand  on  the  threshold  of  a  new  life,  not 
knowing  whither  one  is  to  go. 

The  silent  night  falls  over  me  as  I  write.  The  rain  has 
ceased,  and  through  the  rifted  clouds  the  stars  are  shining. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  27 


CHAPTER  II. 

11  Do  you  not  know  I  am  a  woman  ?    When  I  think  I  must  sponk." 

KOSALIXD. 

I  AM  at  Laurel  wood. 

Let  me  go  back  to  the  day  on  which  I  commenced  my 
journal.  The  next  morning  I  received  a  note,  stating 
that  Mr.  St.  John  would  call  for  me  at  four,  as  the-  boat 
left  at  five. 

I  believe  Dr.  Johnson  somewhere  says  we  can  never  do 
a  thing  consciously  for  the  last  time  without  a  feeling  of 
sadness.  I  experienced  the  truth  of  this  re-mark.  Though 
the  long  dining-hall  was  nearly  deserted,  there  was  a 
homelike  charm  about  the  place.  Even  the  vase  of  col- 
ored grasses,  grown  tiresome  on  other  days,  held  a  certain 
sense  of  beauty.  The  walks  I  had  paced,  the  room  in 
which  I  had  studied  and  dreamed,  wore  the  look  of  a  fa- 
miliar friend.  "Farewell,"  I  said,  with  a  pang,  for  it  was 
hard  to  dissever  my  thoughts  from  them. 

At  the  appointed  time  I  was  summoned  to  the  recep- 
tion room,  and  introduced  to  Mr.  St.  John.  He  was  not 
at  all  what  I  had  expected,  and  the  difference  made  me 
positively  shy  and  awkward.  A  man  about  thirty,  tall, 
compact,  and  full  without  being  stout,  with  a  chest  and 
limbs  one  gives  to  the  old  athletes.  He  impressed  me  as 
having  a  peculiar  strength,  and  his  face  completed  the 
suggestion.  I  did  not  think  him  handsome  at  first.  I 
watched  him  as  he  talked  to  Miss  Deforrest,  and  found 
an  odd,  piquant  charrn  in  his  face.  A  broad,  full  fore- 
head, and  a  really  magnificent  head,  hair  of  a  nondescript 


28  SYDNIE   ADBIANCE,   OB 

color,  brown  in  one  of  its  variations,  I  suppose,  fine  and 
silky,  the  ends  curling  in  dainty  rings.  I  set  that  down  as 
too  girlish ;  beard  of  a  little  deeper  color,  almost  black  un- 
derneath ;  a  fair,  fresh  complexion,  with  a  smooth,  soft  skin, 
like  a  child's;  eyes  of  a  blue  or  gray,  with  a  curious,  steely 
gleam;  straight,  delicate  brows  above  them;  a  straight 
nose,  Grecian  in  type ;  a  small  mouth,  with  curved,  scarlet 
lips.  But  the  sense  of  power  and  will  grew  upon  you.  In 
some  moods  this  face  could  be  very  tender;  in  others,  bit- 
ter, perplexing,  imperious  and  indifferent. 

JVIiss  Deforrest  was  called  away.  Mr.  St.  John  glanced 
down  to  my  end  of  the  sofa  with  the  good-natured  smile 
one  gives  a  child. 

"  The  rain  interfered  with  my  plans  yesterday,"  he  said, 
and  the  voice  was  like  the  man  —  not  what  one  usually 
meets  with.  "I  expected  to  come  for  you.  I  dare  say 
you  had  the  blues  shockingly." 

"  I  am  not  much  troubled  with  that  malady,"  I  answered, 
curtly. 

"How  odd  !  I  thought  all  school-girls  were  subject  to 
it.  But  of  course  rainy  days  make  you  cross." 

The  assurance  in  the  tone  vexed  me. 

"I  have  no  particular  dislike  to  rainy  days;  on  the  con- 
trary, I  think  some  are  positively  enjoyable,"  I  said,  coldly. 

"I  shall  watch  the  next  stormy  day  with  great  interest ;" 
and  there  was  a  little  gleam  in  his  eye  that  provoked  me/ 
I  would  not  make  any  answer. 

"I  believe  I  shall  have  to  send  you  to  make  your 
adieus,"  he  said,  presently,  glancing  at  his  watch.  "  It  is 
quite  a  ride  to  the  landing." 

I  merely  bowed,  and  left  him.  There  were  a  few  fare- 
wells and  kindly  wishes,  and  then  I  put  on  my  bonnet  and 
mantle,  and  took  one  last  glimpse  of  myself  in  the  little 
mirror.  Was  the  face  I  saw  crude  and  school-girlish  ? 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  29 

Onr  drive  was  a  very  quiet  one.  I  had  an  uncomfortable 
consciousness  that  Mr.  St.  John's  eyes  were  studying  me, 
yet  if  I  turned  mine  to  his  vicinity,  his  expression  was 
grave  and  absent.  Some  of  the  girls  had  been  fond  of 
discussing  faces  and  predicting  character,  a  subject  that 
always  interested  me  deeply.  I  wondered  what  any  other 
person  would  think  of  him  ;  and  because  I  could  not  please 
myself  in  an  analysis,  I  was  fairly  nnnoyed.  Indeed,  he 
seemed  to  make  his  face  express  very  little  just  then  ;  but 
I  had  a  misgiving  that  it  was  only  like  a  crouching  lion, 
the  power  held  in  reserve. 

lie  was  most  kind  and  gentlemanly,  not  with  any  excess 
of  politeness,  but  the  peculiar  case  that  makes  one  feel 
thoroughly  comfortable.  We  found  our  way  through  the 
crowd  at  the  wharf,  and  my  belongings  were  soon  safely 
deposited  in  my  state-room.  The  whole  scene  was  novel 
to  me,  because  my  own  position  in  it  was  so  new. 

After  supper  we  went  on  deck.  The  shores  we  were 
leaving  behind  made  suggestive  pictures  in  their  length- 
ened perspective.  Yellow  fields,  heavy  and  ripe  for  har- 
vest; clumps  of  woods,  dense  and  shadowy;  clustering 
villages;  boats  skimming  the  river,  and  an  occasional  flock 
of  homeward-bound  birds.  The  air  was  fragrant  with  the 
Bpicy  breath  of  summer  and  the  dewiness  of  coming  night. 

Just  as  the  sun  was  setting,  the  moon  rose,  and  the  effect 
of  the  double  light  upon  the  water  was  indescribable.  The 
clouds,  rolling  off  to  the  horizon,  made  long,  low  islands 
of  purple  and  sapphire,  that  seemed  floating  in  a  sea  of 
pearl,  while  now  and  then  a  crimson  arrow  shot  up,  leaving 
in  its  wake  a  long  trail  of  golden  glory.  The  river  was 
calm,  with  slow,  regular  swells,  except  where  the  boat  flung 
upward  a  line  of  foam.  A  light  mist  crept  along  the 
curves  of  the  shore,  like  a  troop  of  fairy  phantoms.  Here 
we  passed  dusky  ravines,  there  a  rock  where  the  water 


30  STDNIE   ADRIAXCE,   OR 

dashed  up  in  playful  passion,  making  its  gray  sides  sparkle 
as  if  set  with  gems.  My  companion  pointed  out  some  spot 
lovelier  than  the  rest,  with  the  eye  of  one  who  had  studied 
nature  closely. 

"How  grave  you  have  grown,"  he  said,  at  length.  "Do 
you  grieve  for  what  you  are  leaving  behind?" 

"Not  quite  that,"  I  made  answer;  "and  yet  one  does 
shrink  a  little  from  an  untried  life,  with  its  stern  realities." 

"Are  you  given  to  conjuring  up  giants  in  the  way?  As 
if  life  was  likely  to  be  anything  but  rose-color  to  a  girl 
•who  holds  as  much  in  her  hands  as  people  usually  do!" 

"It  is  sometimes,"  I  said,  positively. 

"You  have  been  cultivating  imagination  largely." 

"I  may  have  had  some  reality,  although  you  seem  so 
doubtful  about  it,"  I  answered. 

"No  life  is  all  sunshine,  nor  was  it  so  intended.  And 
yet  I  think  God  doesn't  mean  us  to  fear  the  future.  We 
are  to  take  up  daily  events  with  hopeful  hearts,  and  shape 
them  into  a  higher  form  than  crude  fragments." 

"But  how  few  live  in  earnest!"  for  somehow  the  rare 
inflection  of  his  voice  touched  me. 

"What  is  your  idea  of  an  earnest  life?" 

"  Something  better  than  mere  froth  and  foam,  or  selfish 
enjoyments;  an  existence  in  which  one  leaves  enduring 
marks  of  having  labored  to  benefit  his  kind,  to  strengthen 
the  weary,  comfort  those  who  are  tried  and  tempted,  and 
point  out  a  better  path  for  them  to  walk  in." 

"You  have  been  reading  German  metaphysics,  Miss 
Adriance." 

"  Surely  the  strong  angel  of  the  useful  loses  none  of  his 
power  when  joined  to  the  spirit  of  the  beautiful." 

"  Few  care  to  unite  them  thus  upon  the  bridge  of  life. 
The  useful  angel  too  often  goes  about  clad  in  coarse  rai- 
ment, and  people  instinctively  shrink  from  him.  Where 
will  you  begin  with  your  mission  ?  " 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  31 

"I  have  not  decided." 

"  Like  a  woman  !  People  in  the  moon  are  generally 
benefited  most  by  these  visionary  schemes." 

"  I  can  commence  with  myself,"  I  said,  "  since  you  seem 
to  commiserate  the  people  in  that  distant  locality." 

"Ah,  I  thought  you  were  through  with  yourself,  and 
ready  to  undertake  the  salvation  of  others.  You  should 
have  lived  in  the  past  centuries,  when  crusades  were  fash- 
ionable." 

"  I  am  content  to  live  now,  but  I  shall  try  to  live  in 
earnest." 

"  Be  a  sort  of  reformer,  martyred  on  the  cross  of  public 
opinion.  You  will  gain  some  glory  that  way." 

"I  am  not  ambitious  of  such  glory,"  I  said,  indignantly. 

"  Take  up  the  sins  and  follies  of  society.  There  is  a 
wide  field.  But  I  am  afraid  this  wicked  old  world  is  bent 
upon  rushing  to  destruction,  in  spite  of  sages  and  proph- 
ets." 

I  was  ready  to  cry  with  vexation.  He  stood  there  in 
the  moonlight,  looking  really  handsome,  but  cool  and  pro- 
voking; and  I  had  a  dim  suspicion  that  in  his  heart  he  was 
laughing  at  me. 

"  You'll  improve  on  these  romantic  notions  after  a  little," 
he  said,  gravely.  "  Young  men  and  young  women  have  a 
great  fancy  for  fighting  impossible  giants.  It's  a  kind  of 
mental  measles.  But  they  get  over  it,  and  come  to  the 
stage  where  they  are  interested  in  each  other,  when  the 
Lancers  at  night  or  a  bouquet  in  the  morning  is  sufficient 
to  restore  the  balance  of  the  most  vacillating  mind." 

"  I  shall  endeavor  to  reach  something  higher  than  these 
trifles." 

"Miss  Adriance,  I  have  seen  a  good  deal  of  the  world, 
and  have  the  advantage  of  you  by  more  than  a  dozen 
years.  I  know  what  most  women's  lives  are.  A  good  deal 


82  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OR 

of  dressing  and  display,  some  flirting,  harmless,  of  course, 
for  in  society  one  plays  a  sort  of  give  and  take  game,  with 
the  heart  left  out,  and  a  good  marriage  at  the  last.  That 
is  the  great  stake;  and  failing  there,  your  life  will  be  pro- 
nounced unsuccessful." 

The  girls  used  to  talk  of  this  at  school ;  I  can't  tell  why, 
but  it  invariably  annoyed  me.  And  to  have  him  take  it 
up  in  such  a  cool,  tantalizing  manner ! 

"  Marriage  is  not  the  great  aim  and  end  of  all  lives,"  I 
said,  indignantly. 

"  Isn't  it  ?  Miss  Adriance,  I  do  begin  to  believe  you 
were  meant  for  a  reformer.  When  a  young  woman  haa 
sufficient  courage  to  dare  the  terrors  of  going  down  to  pos- 
terity as  Miss  somebody  or  other,  she  must  be  stronger 
than  the  majority  of  her  sex.  Let  me  see  —  what  will  you 
clo?  There's  the  Woman's  Rights  question.  I  have  not 
sufficient  brain  to  take  in  all  its  bearings;  in  fact,  when  I 
go  over  it,  I  invariably  get  muddled ;  but  I  dare  say  you 
have  given  it  a  good  deal  of  attention.  Women,  being 
tired  of  reasonable  employments,  have  a  desire  to  soar  to 
the  unreasonable,  .  They  want  to  manage  the  business 
part,  and  generously  propose  that  the  sterner  sex  shall  stay 
at  home  and  enjoy  themselves." 

"  It  is  you  who  are  unreasonable,"  I  interrupted,  angrily. 
"A  man  always  exaggerates  when  he  undertakes  to  ex- 
press a  woman's  opinions.  Arc  we  blind  and  deaf  to  those 
higher  calls  of  the  soul  ?  When  we  are  held  in  bondage 
to  the  false  and  unsubstantial,  and  see  above  us  the  gleam 
of  truth,  and  purity,  and  loftiness,  do  you  suppose  no  pulse 
is  ever  stirred,  no  desire  awakened  that  leads  us  to  struggle 
after  the  fine  gold,  instead  of  the  base  counterfeits  the 
world  offers  us  ?  If  it  is  right  for  a  man  to  make  his  life 
grand  and  noble,  why  cannot  a  woman  try  at  least  ?  " 

"Is  truth  at  the  bottom  of  these  struggles  ?     I  believe 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  33 

it  is  oftcner  some  paltry  ambition.  It  jars  against  one's 
idea  of  a  woman  to  see  her  so  eager  for  contests  that  must 
render  her  harder,  even  if  she  escape  the  coarseness." 

"You  dou't  understand  me,"  I  said,  trying  to  keep 
calm. 

He  laughed  again ;  such  a  provoking,  cynical,  yet,  withal, 
musical  sound  !•  I  believe  I  almost  hated  him. 

"  You  do  not  make  yourself  at  all  intelligible.  Here  you 
are  with  your  head  full  of  school-girl  nonsense,  ready  to  do 
battle  for  some  great  cause  of  which  you  are  beautifully 
ignorant,  and  — shall  I  make  a  prediction  —  in  six  months 
you  will  be  so  deeply  engrossed  with  pomps  and  vanities 
and  a  lover,  that  you  will  be  quite  willing  to  let  the  world 
jog  on  at  its  old  rate.  It  has  stood  a  good  many  such 
assaults,  Miss  Adriance." 

I  lost  all  my  patience,  never  very  extensive,  perhaps.  I 
was  not  hoping  for  unattainable  good,  not  trying  to  make 
a  martyr  of  myself,  but  willing  to  take  the  world  as  I 
found  it,  having  an  even  chance  with  others  for  happiness. 
I  did  not  mean  to  kneel  at  the  shrine  of  fashionable  follies 
and  make  them  my  highest  good.  There  was  a  better 
aliment  for  human  souls.  The  contention  grew  warmer, 
he  irritating  me  beyond  endurance.  All  this  under  a  sky 
of  soft  splendor,  and  at  our  feet  the  murmurous  waves 
beating  time  to  chants  of  melody,  while  the  very  air 
seemed  blowing  out  waves  of  liquid  light.  The  sense  of 
harmony  all  around  made  me  feel  more  indignant  with 
him.  I  rose  haughtily,  and  bade  him  good  night. 

I  had  taken  a  step  or  two,  when  he  said,  softly, 

"Miss  Adriance!" 

I  stood  irresolute,  and  then  —  I  am  ashamed  to  confess 
it  —  turned  partially.  His  face  had  changed  wonderfully, 
and  I  had  the  feeling  of  being  drawn  into  some  vortex. 

"  Come,  Miss  Adriance,"  he  said,  "  I  am  not  going  to  let 
3 


34  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OB 

you  leave  me  in  such  a  mood.  This  is  the  first  night  of 
our  acquaintance,  and  I  want  you  to  have  pleasant  dreams 
of  me.  Remain  until  you  are  good-humored." 

He  had  taken  my  hand,  but  I  drew  it  away  with  an  im- 
patient gesture,  and  left  him.  He  had  been  barbarously 
unjust,  and  he  would  find  that  I  was  no  child  to  be  coaxed 
into  agreeableness  with  a  word.  If  I  found  his  sister  as 
captious  and  irritating,  my  life  would  not  open  very  de- 
lightfully. I  wished  myself  back  at  school,  or  anywhere, 
in  fact,  where  I  should  not  see  him.  I  had  acted  un- 
wisely in  allowing  him  to  provoke  me,  but  he  might  have 
had  a  little  generosity,  if  our  beliefs  were  dissimilar.  "I 
never  can  like  him,"  I  said  to  myself  as  I  fell  asleep. 

The  sun  rose  gloriously  the  next  morning.  I  watched  it 
through  my  little  window,  longing  for  a  more  extended 
•view,  and  debating  within  myself  upon  the  propriety  of 
seeking  it,  when  a  waiter  stopped  at  my  door  with  Mr.  St. 
John's  card,  on  which  was  written,  in  pencil,  — 

"If  Miss  Adriance  will  come  on  deck,  she  will  be  amply 
repaid  by  the  beautiful  scene." 

Obeying  my  first  impulse  of  resentment,  I  returned  an 
answer,  declining.  It  was  a  pitiful  gratification,  after  all, 
for  I  was  tormented  with  mere  bits  and  fragments  of  glow- 
ing dawn.  I  had  a  passion  for  these  changeful  pictures  of 
sea  and  sky.  The  tremulous  rays  of  gold  and  crimson 
wandered  fitfully  through  my  little  room,  and  the  soft  light 
brought  visions  of  the  greater  glory  beyond. 

The  noise  and  commotion  recalled  me  to  common  life. 
I  felt  awkward  and  nervous  about  meeting  Mr.  St.  John, 
and  wondered  how  he  would  get  over  our  dispute  of  last 
night.  I  might  have  spared  my  speculations  and  the  re- 
solves with  which  I  fortified  my  mind.  He  was  calm  and 
gracious,  totally  ignoring  all  the  disagreeable  incidents  that 
had  passed  between  us.  I  absolutely  became  confused. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  35 

Mrs.  Lawrence  was  awaiting  us  at  a  hotel,  and  we  drove 
thither.  She  was  not  up  yet,  so  we  both  waited  in  her 
little  parlor.  Mr.  St.  John  brought  me  a  book  and  some 
papers,  and  occupied  himself  in  reading.  Well,  the  man 
certainly  was  a  Sphinx ! 

After  a  while  Mrs.  Lawrence  made  her  appearance.  She 
was  thirty-five,  I  afterwards  learned,  three  years  her  broth- 
er's senior,  but  one  would  readily  have  believed  her  ten 
years  younger.  A  remarkably  beautiful  woman,  pure 
blonde  in  type,  barely  medium  size,  and  gracefulness  itself. 
To  watch  her  was  like  listening  to  music.  I  felt  ugly  and 
overgrown  beside  her. 

M  My  dear  Miss  Adriance !  "  and  her  voice  had  something 
of  the  peculiarity  of  her  brother's  —  a  kind  of  liquid  sweet- 
ness, that  attracts  one  involuntarily.  I  could  not  help 
being  won  by  the  charm. 

She  scanned  me  from  head  to  foot,  but  I  did  not  read 
disapproval  in  the  languid,  purple-blue  eyes,  so  I  ventured 
to  breathe  and  to  smile. 

"  How  bright  and  fresh  you  look,"  she  said.  "I  can  be- 
lieve that  you  heeded  my  injunction,  Stuart,"  glancing  at 
her  brother,  "and  did  not  keep  her  up  half  the  night 
watching  the  moon." 

"As  that  seems  to  be  my  pet  employment,  there  was 
some  danger." 

His  voice  was  just  dashed  with  irony,  reminding  me  of 
the  delicate  flavor  of  bitter  almonds.  I  colored  at  the 
remembrance  of  our  evening's  conversation,  but  returned, 
carelessly, — 

"  I  believe  I  do  not  usually  carry  traces  of  such  simple 
dissipation  in  my  face." 

"  It's  folly  to  waste  one's  good  looks  when  it  amounts 
to  nothing;"  and  she  smiled  in  a  charming  fashion.  "Now, 
if  you  please,  we  will  have  some  breakfast,  and  then  Miss 


36  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

Adrinnce  and  I  can  afford  to  dismiss  you,  as  we  are  going 
on  a  shopping  expedition." 

There  was  a  little,  expressive  curl  to  his  lips,  as  his  face 
settled  into  an  indifference  that  made  it  positively  cold. 

She  was  very  gracious  and  entertaining,  and  I  could  not 
help  feeling  at  home  with  her,  indeed,  could  not  help  liking 
her;  but  I  had  a  misgiving  that  there  was  the  least  spice 
of  contempt  in  the  approval  Mr.  St.  John  gave.  When 
we  returned  to  the  parlor,  he  bade  us  "  good  morning,"  and 
sauntered  out. 

"Now  we  will  hold  a  little  consultation,"  Mrs.  Lawrence 
said,  with  a  girlish  interest  and  enthusiasm  that  was  not 
affectation,  although  it  seemed  to  border  upon  it.  "I  am 
going  to  take  you  to  Newport,  and  I  expect  you  to  create 
quite  a  sensation." 

"  Don't  expect  too  much  of  me,"  I  said,  with  a  sudden 
fear. 

"My  dear,  you  don't  know  your  own  power  at  all.  How 
should  you,  indeed?.  With  your  style  and  looks  you 
ought  to  make  a  decided  impression.  Rest  assured  that  I 
shall  give  you  every  advantage." 

"  I  do  not  question  your  generosity,"  I  returned,  "  but 
my  own  —  "  desire,  I  was  about  to  say,  then  changed  it  to 
"  ability." 

"You  will  feel  different  about  that  presently.  Then  you 
are  quite  an  heiress,  another  item  in  your  favor ;  and  when 
you  do  fairly  take  your  place,  and  feel  at  home  in  it,  you 
will  like  the  triumphs.  Only  you  must  not  full  in  love  too 
soon." 

"I  believe  I  am  not  very  susceptible." 

She  smiled  approval.  "The  first  thing  will  be  to  get 
yonr  wardrobe  in  order,"  she  continued.  "I  know  you 
have*  nothing  available,  so  we  will  go  out  and  supply  our- 
selves. Your  dresses  will  be  made  at  home,  under  my  own 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  37 

supervision.  I  have  a  maid  who  is  worth  fifty  modistes. 
Are  you  ready  to  go  now,  or  would  you  rather  rest  for  an 
hour  or  two?" 

I  signified  my  willingness,  and  we  set  out  immediately. 
It  was  my  first  induction  into  the  mysteries  of  fashion- 
able life,  and  I  yielded  to  Mrs.  Lawrence's  suggestions 
the  more  readily  in  order  that  I  might  not  betray  my  own 
ignorance.  But  I  really  wondered  when  and  how  I  should 
find  use  for  half  the  articles  she  purchased,  and  now  and 
then  gave  a  thought  to  my  resolves  of  the  evening  before, 
comprehending  that  it  would  be  more  difficult  to  assimi- 
late the  two  lives  than  I  had  believed.  And  yet  I  could 
not  help  being  interested.  When  a  shopkeeper  places  be- 
fore you  elegant  goods  in  their  most  enticing  light,  how 
can  you  fail  to  admire? 

Mrs.  Lawrence  knew  the  routine  well,  and  before  night 
had  spent  what  seemed  to  me  a  quarter  of  my  fortune  at 
least;  but  the  shopping  was  done.  Thirza,  a  quadroon 
maid,  hardly  less  beautiful  than  her  mistress,  was  busy  all 
the  evening  packing,  and  the  next  morning  we  resumed 
our  journey,  stopping  at  night  to  rest,  for  Mrs.  Lawrence 
had  no  idea  of  unduly  fatiguing  herself. 

Mr.  St.  John  I  hardly  saw  at  all,  but  we  felt  his  care  and 
attention  in  many  ways.  Now  and  then  I  experienced  the 
sensation  of  being  watched  by  the  cool  eyes  that  I  knew 
fathomed  much  more  than  they  chose  to  reveal. 

From  the  station  it  was  a  long  drive  to  the  St.  John 
mansion  —  through  broken  woodlands  where  rugged  old 
trees  were  moss-grown  and  festooned  with  brilliant  wild 
vines,  contrasting  vividly  with  the  silvery  river  flowing  in 
and  out,  here  widening  to  a  lake,  there  a  mere  thread  ; 
the  deeper  green  of  the  forest  bathed  in  a  soft  haze  of 
sunshine,  and  mellowed  by  frequent  breaks  of  light  and 
shade.  The  air  was  fragrant  with  the  spiciness  of  the  dis- 


38  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

tant  pine  woods,  and  occasionally  some  weird  song,  quite 
new  to  me,  broke  from  the  throat  of  an  unseen  warbler. 
It  seemed  like  going  into  au  enchanted  country. 

The  road  became  clearer  presently,  and. at  a  little  distance 
I  espied  a  great  gray  stone  mansion,  ivy  covered,  and  ap- 
parently in  the  midst  of  the  most  picturesque  confusion  — 
turfy  glades,  dreamy,  mysterious  nooks,  clumps  of  shrub- 
bery, fountains  trickling  over  miniature  rocks,  and  flowers 
in  the  wildest  profusion.  The  house  was  an  old,  quaint 
mixture  of  different  styles  of  architecture,  and  had  prob- 
ably been  constructed  at  different  periods.  The  front  was 
broken  by  recesses  and  balconies  and  deep  windows,  and 
at  one  corner  rose  a  turret,  that  added  to  the  general  effect. 
It  was  so  cosy  and  roomy-looking,  so  really  homelike,  for 
all  its  strange  beauty,  that  my  heart  gave  a  quick,  involun- 
tary thrill.  I  leaned  out  of  the  carriage,  eager  to  take  in 
every  aspect  of  loveliness. 

"You  like  it,"  Mr.  St.  John  said,  under  his  breath,  and 
something  in  his  voice  startled  me. 

"  Like  is  a  poor  word ; "  and  I  felt  the  warm  color  rising 
to  my  face. 

"And  in  six  months  you  will  weary  of  it." 

"No,"  I  said,  impulsively  ;  "I  could  never  weary  of  it 
Why,  I  question  if  Paradise  was  more  lovely ! " 

"  And  Eve  was  not  content  without  the  forbidden  fruit. 
There's  something  unattainable  to  every  life." 

I  glanced  furtively  at  his  face;  it  had  gloomed  over 
with  some  unseen  thought,  and  the  eyes  seemed  weary  and 
wistful. 

"  Home ! "  he  said,  as  he  sprang  out  lightly,  and  gave  his 
hand  to  his  sister. 

"  Well,"  he  continued,  assisting  me,  "  are  we  to  be 
friends,  Miss  Adriance  ?  Have  you  forgiven  me  for  ruth- 
lessly demolishing  some  of  your  airy  fabrics  "i " 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  39 

"  I  should  be  generous  to  my  worst  enemy  now,"  I  re- 
plied, softly.  "  Who  could  hold  malice  in  this  world  of 
bewildering  beauty?" 

I  did  not  dare  glance  up  again,  for  some  strange  spell 
seemed  to  shadow  me.  Was  I  really  entering  an  enchant- 
er's realm  ? 


40  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 


"  Our  aspirations,  our  soul's  genuine  life, 
Grow  torpid  iu  the  din  of  worldly  strife." 

FAUST. 

THE  interior  at  Laurelwood  was  not  less  charming  than 
the  scenes  without.  I  was  lost  in  a  maze  of  beauty, 
fairly  bewildered  with  spacious  halls  and  stairs,  niches  out 
of  which  some  graceful  old-world  goddess  smiled,  or  bore 
her  burden  of  fragrant  flowers.  A  kind  of  tropical,  sen- 
suous ease  pervaded  every  spot.  You  heard  the  murmur 
of  tho  fountains,  making  a  dim,  lulling  music,  and  were 
wooed  insensibly  to  repose. 

I  was  shown  to  an  elegant  suit  of  rooms  next  to  those 
of  Mrs.  Lawrence.  The  quaintly  carved  furniture,  the 
light,  delicate  carpets,  and  the  luxurious  couches  and 
chairs,  gave  me  visions  of  delight.  There  was  an  aesthetic 
side  to  my  nature  certainly.  And  then  I  went  back  to 
my  childhood,  with  its  hardness  and  plainness,  its  long, 
solitary  days.  Was  it  really  I  who  had  a  right  to  these 
lovely  rooms;  who  was  to  be  waited  upon,  and  queen  it 
as  royally  as  I  liked?  For  nothing  would  please  Mrs. 
Lawrence  better. 

Thirza  came  in  to  arrange  my  hair  while  her  mistress 
was  resting  from  the  fatigue  of  her  journey.  "How  mag- 
nificent ! "  she  said,  as  she  took  it  down. 

It  was  handsome  —  fine,  soft,  and  abundant,  a  perfect 
midnight  mass. 

"Miss  Adriance  has  a  little  foreign  blood,"  she  con* 
turned. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  41 

Spanish  grand mother;"  and  I  laughed. 

"  It  is  in  your  figure  and  carriage  as  well.  And  your 
eyes  show  it." 

Some  of  the  girls  at  school  had  envied  me  my  eyes  and 
complexion.  They  were  both  dark  and  wild,  I  thought. 

The  deft  fingers  wove  wonderful  braids,  and  compacted 
them  in  strange  devices.  Then  she  broke  off  a  spray  of 
white  jasmine,  and  twined  it  in  and  out.  After  that  she 
took  an  inventory  of  my  dresses,  and  decided  upon  white. 
Perhaps  the  contrast  made  it  so  becoming;  at  all  events  it 
was  my  favorite, 

"But  there's  no  style  to  it,"  she  said,  disdainfully. 

"Up  to  this  time  I  have  been  only  a  school-girl,"  I 
replied  with  a  little  smile.  "There  was  not  much  need 
of  style." 

u  Look  at  yourself  and  see  if  I  have  not  improved  you." 

I  turned  to  the  full-length  mirror.  What  wraith  or 
vision  met  me!  Tall,  rather  inclined  to  slenderness,  but 
not  thin ;  drooping  shoulders,  the  head  proudly  poised,  the 
forehead  low  and  broad,  the  features  regular,  but  too  im- 
mobile, I  thought,  and  a  soft,  roseate  flush  warming  up 
the  clear,  fine  skin.  I  had  not  considered  the  subject 
greatly  before,  but  I  was  glad  to  look  as  well,  especially 
in  a  place  like  this  where  all  the  surroundings  were  ex- 
quisite. 

Some  time  afterwards  Mrs.  Lawrence  entered,  fresh  from 
the  hands  of  her  maid.  There  was  a  strong  contrast 
between  us:  she  was  so  finished,  so  elegant,  a  perfect 
embodiment  of  grace. 

"How  much  you  have  been  improved,"  she  said,  in  a 
pleasant  tone.  "You  need  a  little  more  brilliance  and 
vivacity  to  your  face,  though  under  some  circumstances 
that  air  of  indifference  would  be  superb." 

I  flushed  deeply,  not  with  pride,  but  rather  with  a  sense 


42  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

of  humiliation.  I  fancied  that  I  should  soon  hate  having 
every  slight  change  in  looks  commented  upon. 

"Society  will  soon  give  you  the  tone  you  need.  I  am 
determined  upon  having  you  a  perfect  success." 

"Do  not  count  too  confidently  upon  my  charms,"  I 
said,  slowly.  "All  persons  may  not  judge  me  with  your 
lenient  eyes." 

She  smiled,  and  nodded  sagaciously. 

"I  believe  I  know  the  world  pretty  well.  You  must  not 
spoil  your  triumphs  by  any  girlish  gaucheries.  I  think  I 
shall  enjoy  having  a  protegee  amazingly,  though  at  first  I 
was  quite  unwilling  that  Mr.  Anthon  should  leave  you  to 
our  care.  He  always  talked  of  you  as  a  little  girl,  and  I 
am  not  especially  fond  of  children." 

Frank  at  least.  Dainty,  and  sweet,  and  tender  as  she 
seemed,  I  felt  that  she  had  no  warm,  human  heart. 

"What  if  I  had  been  irredeemably  ugly?"  I  asked. 

"You  were  not,  so  we  will  not  trouble  ourselves  with 
suppositions,"  she  returned,  with  charming  amiability. 
"  Truth  to  tell,  plain  people  always  offend  a  certain  sense 
of  mine." 

"But  one  cannot  help  it  if  one  grows  plain,  or  waa 
born  so." 

"It  is  a  great  misfortune,"  and  she  shrugged  her  fair 
shoulders  with  infinite  grace. 

The  summons  to  dinner  interrupted  the  conversation, 
and  I  was  not  sorry,  for  I  found  myself  warming  with  the 
sort  of  injustice  she  displayed.  Would  I  not  have  needed 
a  home  and  friends  under  any  circumstances  ? 

Afterwards  Mr.  St.  John  asked  me  to  walk  through  the 
grounds,  and  I  was  delighted  to  comply,  for  I  had  only 
taken  tantalizing  glimpses  of  them. 

"Don't  keep  her  out  too  long  in  the  night  air,"  Mrs. 
Lawrence  said,  as  we  went  down  the  broad  steps. 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  43 

A  peculiar  expression  passed  over  his  face  that  tempted 
me  to  smile.  How  unlike  they  were  —  this  sister  and 
brother. 

"  One  always  pays  the  penalty  for  superior  refinements," 
he  said,  in  a  low  tone,  and  with  a,  touch  of  sarcasm. 

"  I  have  not  arrived  at  that  stage  where  it  is  of  moment- 
ous importance  to  me,"  I  returned,  laughingly. 

He  made  no  reply,  but  seemed  lost  in  contemplation  of 
the  gravelled  walk.  Then  we  turned  into  a  winding  path. 
The  lovely  night,  with  its  great  glowing  stars  and  silvery 
moon,  the  air  heavy  with  fragrance,  filled  my  soul  with  a 
sense  of  unutterable  beauty.  Some  tasteful  hand  had  vied 
with  nature  here,  and  produced  marvellous  perfection. 
Dells  that  were  so  thickly  wooded  they  seemed  miniature 
forests,  nooks  with  an  old  gray  rock  shaded  by  a  border 
of  shrubbery  at  the  back,  arid  a  tiny  stream  purling  its 
way  along  or  tumbling  over  some  resistance  and  form- 
ing a  cascade  of  pure  spray,  everywhere  a  variety :  the 
grounds  made  to  look  much  larger  by  this  arrangement, 
and  something  to  attract  the  eye  continually.  One  wan- 
dered on  and  on. 

Presently  Mr.  St.  John  thawed  a  little,  though  Ins 
silence  had  not  been  at  all  uncomfortable.  I  don't  know 
that  I  could  have  talked  at  first,  for  I  was  filled  with  the 
solemn  awe  a  sense  of  affluent  beauty  always  gives  me.  I 
want  to  be  quiet,  and  take  large  draughts  of  measureless 
content.  Once  or  twice  he  had  glanced  at  me,  and  I  felt 
that  my  mood  had  been  perfectly  understood.  It  is  a 
comfort  to  be  with  people  who  do  not  insist  upon  your 
explaining  every  phase  of  feeling. 

lie  spoke  of  the  night  first,  and  then  called  up  some 
foreign  remembrances.  He  had  the  faculty  of  making 
perfect  pictures  in  description ;  every  subject  was  tinted 
and  textured  by  a  mind  not  only  vivid,  but  refined  and 


44  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

discriminating.  I  listened  like  one  under  the  spell  of  a 
charmer. 

I  don't  know  how  it  came  around  at  length,  but  in  some 
manner  Mr.  Anthon's  name  was  mentioned.  I  noticed 
how  the  voice  that  I  had  thought  exquisitely  modulated 
before  softened  to  a  peculiar  pathos.  They  had  been  very 
dear  friends  it  seemed,  and  after  Mr.  Authon's  illness,  com- 
menced, he  had  spent  some  time  at  Laurehvoud,  I  felt 
that  he  had  interested  Mr.  St.  John  some  way  in  my 
behalf.  How  kind  and  thoughtful  he  had  always  been 
for  me! 

I  liked  Mr.  St.  John  much  better  for  this  glimpse  of 
tenderness.  The  man  was  not  all  cynicism  or  sarcasm 
then.  In  fact  I  began  to  reconsider  my  hasty  judgment. 
Was  it  anything  more  than  anger  because  he  had  teased 
me? 

We  staid  out  quite  late,  in  spite  of  Mrs.  Lawrence's 
entreaty,  but  I  think  my  bright  eyes  and  glowing  face 
disarmed  her. 

She  would  have  been  inexpressibly  shocked  had  she 
known  that  after  Thirza  was  gone  I  left  my  bed  and  sat 
for  a  long- while  by  the  open  window.  The  glorious  night 
tempted  me,  but  I  could  not  have  slept.  Everything  was 
too  new  and  unreal.  This  ease  and  luxury,  these  lovely 
sights  and  entrancing  sounds,  swayed  me  powerfully.  I 
was  almost  afraid  that,  like  Abou  Hassan's  palace,  it  might 
vanish  presently,  and  I  find  in  its  stead  some  cold,  gray 
reality. 

The  next  day  I  was  in  constant  demand.  Shawls, 
scarfs,  bonnets,  laces,  and  gloves  were  inspecU'd  and  duly 
tried,  altered  and  arranged  until  they  pleased  Mrs.  Law- 
rence's critical  eye.  Then  the  dresses!  I  confess  I  did 
begin  to  tire  of  the  finery  after  a  while.  It  was  like  being 
fed  upon  sweets  until  one  is  surfeited. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  45 

I  did  try  to  feel  grateful  for  the  pains  she  was  taking, 
and  I  found  a  curious  interest  in  watching  her.  Always 
cool  and  unruffled,  patient  to  the  last  degree ;  quick- 
sightcd  to  discover  the  least  flaw  or  imperfection.  Had 
the  woman  no  soul  beyond  this  ? 

Mr.  St.  John  was  pretty  closely  occupied  with  some 
business,  as  the  estate  was  large,  and  he  gave  it  a  very 
thorough  supervision.  Now  and  then  he  laughingly  in- 
quired after  the  dresses ;  and  one  morning  sauntered  into 
his  sister's  sitting-room,  where  I  had  ensconced  myself  in 
the  deep  rose-embowered  window,  and  was  lazily  reading. 

"  How  cool  and  delightful,*1  he  said.  "  But  are  you  not 
playing  truant?" 

"From  what?"  and  I  glanced  up,  rather  amused. 

"I  supposed  you  would  devote  every  moment  to  the 
work-room.  What  if  your  dresses  are  spoiled?" 

"  They  are  in  better  hands  than  mine,  _and  do  not  al- 
together engross  me." 

"  I  am  afraid  your  education  is  incomplete.  And  essays 
too!"  for  he  had  taken  up  my  book. 

"  One  needs  something  to  preserve  the  mental  equi- 
librium." 

"It  should  be  a  'Mirror  of  Fashion,'  or  'The  Art  of 
making  one's  self  agreeable.'" 

"  Because  you  consider  me  particularly  disagreeable  and 
antiquated  ?  " 

He  colored. 
'    "  I  am  anxious  to  have  you  succeed  as  well  as  possible." 

"What  is  to  be  the  test  of  my  success?" 

"  Scores  of  lovers,  and  a  rich  husband,  I  suppose." 

"I  am  afraid  I  shall  not  meet  your  expectations,"  I  re- 
turned, gravely.  "  If  I  should  come  to  be  considered  an 
incumbrance  at  Laurelwood  —  " 

Somehow  I  could  not  resist  the  temptation  of  saying  it; 


46  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OR 

but  I  saw  that  I  had  angered  him.  One  of  those  subtle 
flashes  came  into  his  eyes,  and  a  white  line  about  his 
mouth.  He  looked  steadily  at  rne  for  an  instant.  • 

"  Pardon  me,"  I  said,  in  some  confusion.  "  But  you  do 
vex  me  when  you  pretend  to  think  that  I  have  no  higher 
aim  in  life  than  mere  frivolity — that  I  can  be  content  with 
fine  dresses  and  admiration,  or  that  I  look  upon  marriage 
as  the  only  termination  to  be  desired." 

"  How  you  run  over  these  things,"  he  returned,  with  a 
curious  inflection,  "  and  you  don't  understand  one  of  them. 
What  girl  ever  did  at  eighteen  ?  " 

"  Am  I  more  ignorant  than  the  generality  of  women  ?  " 
I  asked,  nervously. 

"More  Utopian,  perhaps,  Miss  Adriance;  I  am  rather 
anxious  to  see  you  fairly  launched  in  the  world  of  fashion. 
You  will  find  it  very  different  from  your  fancies.  And 
you  will  do  just  about  as  your  neighbors." 

I  took  up  my  book  again  and  opened  it,  but  my  pulses 
were  racing  along  at  an  angry  speed.  How  was  it  that  he 
managed  to  vex  me  so  easily  ? 

"Miss  Adriance,"  he  said,  presently,  "you  carry  your 
feelings  too  much  in  your  face.  In  time  you  will  learn 
to  wear  a  society  mask,  which  you  will  find  very  con- 
venient." 

"  I  shall  never  wear  a  mask,  or  think  it  necessary  to  hide 
the  truth,  or  any  of  my  beliefs.  I  do  suppose  I  can  find 
people  generous  enough  to  make  allowance  for  youth  and 
inexperience.  Human  nature  is  not  altogether  unjust  and 
faithless,  or  suspicious." 

"Nearly  every  one  sets  out  with  high  hopes,  Miss 
Adriance.  The  voyage  looks  fair  at  the  commencement  — 
the  sky  is  clear,  the  winds  balmy,  the  shores  bright  with 
vivid  pictures,  and  the  siren,  Hope,  lulls  you  on  and  on 
with  glowing  visions.  By  and  by  the  stream  grows  dull 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  47 

and  muddy,  the  overladen  barks  go  lumbering  along  in 
a  dead  wind,  or  get  utterly  becalmed.  Then  comes  the 
trial  of  patience.  One  can  work  better  than  one  can 
stagnate." 

u  I  shall  find  my  life-work  somewhere,"  I  said,  con- 
fidently. 

"But  who  finds  what  he  wants?" 

He  turned  towards  the  opposite  window  with  a  weary 
face  ;  indeed  it  was  almost  moody.  What  had  come  to  his 
life? — for  he  seemed  to  have  all  of  this  world's  good  gifts, 
and  yet  I  could  not  help  feeling  that  he  was  not  as  happy 
as  Mrs.  Lawrence,  though  her  mind  was  continually  occu- 
pied with  trifles.  He  had  missed  something,  and  yet  he 
seemed  to  me  a  strong,  self-ceutred  man,  not  easily 
touched  by  passing  events. 

Shortly  after  this  we  were  surprised  by  a  visitor,  or 
rather  I  was,  for  Mrs.  Lawrence  did  not  mean  to  introduce 
me  to  her  ordinary  callers  until  after  our  return.  But 
Thirza  announced  to  me  that  Mr.  Graham  was  in  the 
drawing-room,  and  would  remain  all  night. 

"  I  am  glad  enough,"  she  said.  "  It  must  be  lonesome 
for  you,  this  being  secluded  like  a  nun." 

I  had  experienced  no  special  want  in  that  direction.  In 
fact  I  had  not  half  examined  the  place  yet. 

Mr.  Graham  was  two  or  three  and  twenty,  with  stray 
remnants  of  boyish  beauty  that  had  not  yet  settled  into 
maturity.  He  had  a  soft,  pleasant  voice,  and  a  certain 
enthusiasm  that  made  him  an  interesting  companion.  He 
was  taking  the  world  in  quite  a  different  manner  from  M* 
St.  John,  though  the  latter  made  an  admirable  host. 

There  is  an  unconscious  affinity  between  the  young.  I 
strayed  through  the  grounds  with  Mr.  Graham,  talking  of 
everything  that  came  in  our  way,  in  that  pleasant,  chatty 
fashion  bordering  upon  friendship.  I  felt  at  home  with  his 


48  STDNIE  ADKTAXCE,   OK 

genial  mood ;  anc  though  the  subjects  might  not  have  been 
wise  or  profound,  we  went  over  them  very  agreeably. 

Later  in  the  evening  he  asked  me  for  some  music.  Mrs. 
Lawrence  had  listened  to  my  playing  and  singing  with  due 
regard  for  what  it  would  do  for  me  in  society.  But  it  was 
a  passion  with  me,  and  when  I  found  that  I  could  kindle 
another  soul,  it  gave  me  a  sudden  inspiration.  I  saw  his 
eyes  dilate  with  pleasure,  and  a  fitful  color  wandered  over 
his  face.  How  strangely  those  pathetic  old  ballads  stir 
one's  heart  I — love,  sweet  for  all  its  pain,  tempting  in 
spite  of  thorny  ways ;  men  and  women  content  at  having 
drained  the  cup  of  Miss,  and  asking  no  more  of  life.  Had 
we  fallen  upon  more  material  days  and  desires? 

I  felt  glad  and  happy  that  night  —  why,  I  could  not  tell. 
When  Mr.  Graham  )cft  us  the  next  morning,  it  seemed  as 
if  some  brightness  had  gone  out  of  the  place. 

I  stood  on  the  balcony,  gathering  up  stray  threads  of 
memory,  when  Mr.  St.  John  approached,  having  been  to 
the  gates  with  his  guest. 

"Yon  deserve  to  be  congratulated,"  he  said;  and 
although  I  understood  the  tone,  I  returned,  simply, — 

"For  what?" 

"  Upon  your  conquest.  But  to  save  a  broken  heart,  I 
will  tell  yon  that  Mr.  Graham  is  engaged  to  his  cousin  —  a 
kind  of  convenient  family  arrangement,  I  believe,  she  being 
an  heiress." 

"  I  do  not  think  that  fact  would  weigh  a  particle  with 
Mr.  Graham,"  I  said  as  earnestly  as  I  felt. 
•  "  O,  yon  have  unlimited  faith." 

"And  yonrwarning  was  altogether  unnecessary,"  I  re- 
torted, scornfully. 

"It  was  merely  pastime  upon  both  sides,  then  !  "Well, 
yon  acquitted  yourself  admirably.  You  will  not  have  much 
to  learn  at  Newport." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  49 

tt  I  believe  I  did  only  what  common  courtesy  required," 
I  said,  haughtily. 

"A  woman's  excuse  for  trifling." 

"  It  is  well  there  are  some  whose  fine  perception  enables 
them  to  distinguish  between  ordinary  politeness  and  the 
gratification  of  a  foolish  vanity.  While  there  are  such 
cool,  clear-eyed  people  in  the  world,  we  need  not  fear  for 
society." 

"Undoubtedly;"  and  his  voice  was  irritatingly  sweet. 
"  Neither  may  we  apprehend  any  Quixotic  reform  when 
the  prophets  of  the  new  faith  are  diverted  by  a  word  or  a 
look  from  some  fanciful  sentimentalist." 

If  I  could  have  annihilated  him  with  a  glance,  I  should 
have  done  so :  and  he  looking  calm  and  handsome,  writh 
that  bafHing  smile  playing  about  his  face. 

"You  ridicule  my  high  aims,  and  if  I  find  any  satis- 
faction in  ordinary  pleasures,  you  sneer.  What  is  your 
ideal?" 

"And  you  are  a  fiery  radical,"  he  said,  ignoring  my 
question.  "  I  wonder  "  —  a  little  lower,  as  if  he  was  think- 
ing to  himself — "if  you  mean  to  play  with  hearts  in  that 
fashion  ?  " 

"  Will  it  do  any  harm  ?  Are  men  so  sensitive  and  deli- 
cate?" 

"  O,  no,"  he  said,  dryly.  "  It  may  go  hard  with  some 
of  them  at  first,  but  they  soon  get  used  to  the  wjyrfare.  It 
does  damage  faith  a  little,  but  those  old-fashiolrcd  virtues 
are  at  a  discount  in  modern  life." 

"  I  think  you  wrong  us  all,"  I  said,  more  hurt  than  I 
cared  to  show.  "  If  we  wound  any  one,  it  is  because  we 
have  first  been  pained  ourselves." 

Mrs.  Lawrence  crossed  the  hall,  and  I  took  shelter  under 
her  kindly  wing.     She  put  her  slender  white  hand  over 
my  shoulder,  and  presently  we  walked  away  together. 
4 


SO  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  "Whnt  was  Stuart  saying?  "  she  asked  ;  but  I  could  see 
it  was  not  from  any  curiosity.  "You  must  not  mind  his 
queer  notions;  he  lias  always  been  odd.  I  think  it  was 
living  here  so  much  alone,  and  the  St.  Johns  are  peculiar 
people.  I  married  very  young,  and  went  away ;  and  have 
only  been  back  since  the  death  of  Mr.  Lawrence,  which 
occurred  a  few  years  ago." 

I  was  silent. 

"My  dear,"  she  continued,  in  her  soft,  musical  tones, 
"you  really  surprised  me  by  your  self-possession.  You 
will  be  a  very  fascinating  woman,  only  you  must  not  ruin 
your  success  by  falling  in  love  immediately." 

"Why?  In  what  manner  would  it  interfere?"  and  I 
smiled. 

"O,  it  breaks  up  the  general  interest.  When  a  girl  be- 
comes engaged,  the  real  strife  for  her  is  over,  and  she  is 
soon  superseded  by  newer  attractions.  You  need  not 
marry  for  a  year  or  so.  I  think  I  can  make  it  very  pleas- 
ant for  you;  and  I  confess  to  liking  you  a  great  deal.  Butt 
came  near  forgetting  my  chief  errand:  Thiiza  wants  you." 

Afterwards  I  went  to  my  own  room.  How  lovely  it 
looked,  and  how  really  delightful  life  was!  Somehow  I 
cannot  help  enjoying  it.  Is  it  worth  while  to  strive  against 
the  current?  Surely  youth  and  pleasure  go  hand  in  hand, 
and  one  may  find  elements  of  truth  and  beauty  in  any 
existence.  Why,  then,  torture  one's  self  with  a  scourging 
sense  of  duty  in  continually  grasping  at  the  unattainable  ? 
Could  I  not  take  the  richness  of  life  without  stooping  to 
its  dross? 

I  think  Mr.  St.  John  must  dislike  me.  He  is  very  kind 
to  his  sister  —  listens  to  her  plans  without  making  one 
objection ;  does  many  things  for  her  pleasure,  and  never 
sneers  or  shows  the  bitter  side  of  his  nature:  for  he  is 
bitter  and  stern,  a  strong,  masterful  man,  and  yet  his  very 
power  attracts. 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  51 

I  wonder  if  I  am  unstable.  Sometimes  I  feel  afraid  of 
myself.  After  all,  how  much  can  one  help  or  hinder!  If 
I  only  had  a  patient,  trusty  friend  that  I  could  go  to  in 
these  weak  moments !  But  I  should  as  soon  think  of 
confiding  in  this  marble  Clytie  as  Mrs.  Lawrence.  Both 
are  sweet,  but  cold. 


52  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 


CHAPTER   IV. 

"  Well,  well, 

But  you  must  cultivate  yourself;  it  will  pay  you. 
Study  a  dimple,  work  hard  at  a  smile; 
The  things  most  delicate  require  most  pains." 

FESTUS. 

WE  were  in  perfect  order  at  last,  and  started  on  our 
campaign.  To  say  that  I  was  not  interested,  would  be 
untrue.  There  was  a  fascination  about  seeing  the  world 
in  this  guise.  Several  of  the  girls  at  school  had  counted 
largely  on  a  season  at  Newport  or  Saratoga,  while  I  held 
my  peace,  knowing  nothing  of  my  future. 

Mr.  St.  John  had  engaged  a  suit  of  rooms,  so  all  we  had 
to  do  was  to  enter  in  and  take  possession.  While  Thirza 
unpacked,  and  Mrs.  Lawrence  indulged  in  a  rest  on  the 
sofa,  I  sat  by  the  window  enjoying  the  changeful  scene 
below,  that  looked  to  my  unpractised  eye  like  irremediable 
confusion,  and  yet  it  attracted  me  wonderfully.  I  was  to 
join  this  gay  throng,  and  take  my  share  of  pleasure. 

We  did  not  go  down  to  the  parlors  until  evening.  Mrs. 
Lawrence  looked  exquisitely  lovely,  and  I  fancied  almost 
as  youthful  as  I.  Thirza  had  not  over-dressed  me,  and  I 
felt  quite  at  home  in  my  new  attire.  But  the  scene  ren- 
dered me  nearly  breathless  with  surprise.  Elegant  wo- 
men, stately  and  well-bred  men,  grouped  together,  talking, 
smiling,  and  posing  themselves  with  the  rare  grace  of 
statuary.  What  a  brilliant  picture  it  made ! 

In  ten  minutes  Mrs.  Lawrence  and  her  brother  were 
surrounded  by  a  throng  of  old  friends,  and  warmly  wel- 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  53 

corned.  I  responded  to  introductions  that  I  felt  sure  I 
should  never  remember,  and  was  rather  confused,  I  am 
afraid.  Mr.  St.  John  was  so  kind  that  I  almost  wanted  to 
express  my  gratitude.  lie  answered  questions  for  me, 
and  warded  off  anything  like  awkwardness,  until  I  began 
to  talk  quite  naturally. 

Presently  the  circle  widened  a  little.  I  was  standing 
by  an  open  window,  when  I  felt  my  arm  clasped,  and  a 
familiar  voice  exclaimed,  scarcely  above  a  whisper, — 

"In  the  name  of  all  that's  remarkable  for  wonders,  how 
did  you  come  here,  Sydnie  Adriance?" 

I  turned  and  found  a  school  friend,  Laura  Hastings. 

"Are  you  speechless?"  she  continued,  laughingly.  "Or 
are  you  out  on  a  masquerade,  where  confessing  one's 
identity  breaks  the  charm,  and  resolves  you  back  into  a 
Cinderella  ?  " 

"  Neither.     Silent  from  surprise  only." 

"Didn't  I  tell  you  that  I  expected  to  make  my  debut  in 
the  world  of  fashion  ?  How  happens  it  that  you  were  not 
equally  communicative?" 

"  Because  I  had  no  idea  what  my  destiny  would  be." 

"Let  us  walk  up  and  down  this  piazza,  for  I  want  to 
catechise  you.  In  the  first  place,  when  did  you  arrive?" 

"  This  morning." 

Laura  Hastings  was  an  odd,  vivacious  girl,  who  always 
seemed  to  carry  everything  her  own  way.  We  had  been 
very  good  friends,  without  the  slightest  spark  of  affection. 
She  occasionally  ridiculed  me,  and  I  retorted  by  pro- 
nouncing her  heartless. 

"Who  brought  vou  here?"  she  went  on. 

O  •/ 

"My  guardian,  Mr.  St.  John,  and  his  sister,  Mrs.  Law- 
rence." 

"  Pretty  well,  so  far.  What  kind  of  a  woman  is  Mrs. 
Lawrence  ?  Young,  rich,  and  handsome  ?  " 


54  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"All  three." 

"  The  gods  are  unjust  to  bestow  so  much  upon  one 
person.  Do  you  aspire  to  belleship,  Miss  Adriance?" 

I  laughed  at  her  piquant  manner,  and  said,  "  I  have  no 
such  ambition." 

"Then  you  are  not  as  sensible  as  I  supposed.  With 
your  face  and  style  I  would  have  half  Newport  in  love 
with  me,  and  the  other  half  dying  with  envy." 

"  That  would  not  be  a  very  high  gratification." 

"Don't  be  saintish  and  nonsensical!  You  should  have 
left  all  that  at  school.  However,  if  you  are  generous,  I 
may  stand  a  better  chance.  I've  been  here  only  a  week, 
and  had  an  offer  already,  besides  strongly  interesting  a 
New  York  millionnaire  —  but  he  is  old  enough  to  be  my 
father." 

"  You  refused  the  offer  ?  " 

"  Of  course.  He  was  a  young  artist,  my  cousin  Carrie's 
bright  particular.  She  put  on  airs,  and  went  to  a  stupid 
little  country  place,  but  he  seemed  to  have  a  fancy  for 
hovering  in  the  flame.  He  was  only  singed  a  little,  and 
will  go  back  to  her  with  more  devotion  than  ever,  so  no 
one  was  hurt.  I  believe  I  rather  tempted  him  to  come 
here." 

"  O,  Laura !  Why,  when  you  did  not  mean  to  many 
him?" 

"  To  tease  Came  a  little.  She  has  an  idea  that  good- 
ness is  all  the  capital  one  needs  in  this  world.  It  is  a 
poor  investment,  to  my  thinking." 

"  But  truth,  and  honor,  and  generosity  ought  to  meet 
with  some  recognition,"  I  said,  warmly. 

"  You  cling  to  your  first  love  pertinaciously,  I  see.  A 
month  at  Newport  will  convert  you  to  the  true  faith. 
Plain  women  may  carry  about  a  list  of  virtues  as  long  as 
their  sober  faces,  but  the  handsome  ones  all  believe  alike. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  55 

And  yon  are  rather  magnificent.  You've  had  some  help, 
for  I  know  you  never  possessed  all  these  ideas  of  your 
own." 

I  flushed  a  little  and  was  silent,  for  we  paused  at  one 
of  the  windows.  She  gave  a  quick  glance  around  and 
eaid, — 

"  Can  you  see  your  Mrs.  Lawrence  ?  I'm  wild  to  know 
what  vsort  of  <i  chaperone  you  have." 

"  She  is  sitting  by  that  table  yonder,  between  two 
ladies,  wears  blue  crape,  and  has  golden  ringlets." 

"  My  dear  Sydnie,  I'm  delighted.  I  can  foresee  a  charm- 
ing family  party.  The  lady  on  her  left,  in  mauve  silk,  is 
my  august  mamma,  and  the  other,  Mrs.  Westervelt,  from 
New  York,  an  intimate  friend.  And  your  beautiful  Mrs. 
Lawrence  —  why,  Sydnie,  you  live  in  Virginia,  don't 
you  ?  " 

I  answered  in  the  affirmative. 

"You  are  the  most  fortunate  girl  alive!  Think  how 
you  used  to  study,  as  if  you  expected  to  teach  fora  living! 
I've  heard  Philip  Westervelt  talk  of  this  Mr.  St.  John. 
They're  immense  friends.  He  is  as  rich  as  a  Jew,  and  lives 
elegantly,  doesn't  he  ?  " 

"  Laurel  wood  is  a  lovely  place,"  I  said. 

"I'm  afraid  you'll  make  me  envy  you,  after  all.  Why, 
you  have  only  to  captivate  your  bachelor  guardian,  to  be- 
come mistress  of  one  of  the  handsomest  estates  in  the 
country." 

I  blushed  to  my  very  finger  ends,  and  for  an  instant 
was  positively  angry  at  her  boldness.  She  saw  it. 

"My  dear,"  she  said,  good-naturedly,  "please  exercise 
your  Christian  forbearance  a  little.  Simplicity  is  very 
charming,  but  it  is  a  woman's  duty  to  make  the  best  mar- 
riage she  can.  We  have  this  advantage  over  Eastern 
women  in  that  we  are  not  absolutely  sold  to  the  highest 


56  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

bidder,    but    make    ourselves    attractive    and    win    him 
gently." 

"Marriage  must  be  something  better  than  that  with 
me,"  I  answered,  curtly. 

"Now  here  is  a  modern  hero  that  I  should  like  to  fas- 
cinate," she  recommenced,  with  animation ;  "  though  I 
have  a  fancy  that  he  could  make  a  good  fight.  There's 
so  much  in  his  face  —  a  sort  of  strength  and  defiance  that 
always  rouses  one ;  and  in  figure  and  carriage  he  is  splen- 
did. He  has  just  spoken  to  Mrs.  Westervelt." 

"  That  is  Mr.  St.  John." 

She  turned  her  eyes  full  upon  me,  and  studied  me  cu- 
riously. 

"You're  in  love  with  him,  of  course?" 
,  "I  am  not  in  love  with  him."     I  tried  to  say  it  calmly, 
but  I  had  a  misgiving  that  my  voice  was  not  quite  steady; 
not  because  her  accusation  was  true,  but  from  its  sudden- 
ness. 

"  Then  you  are  a  greater  dunce  than  I  imagined.  Why, 
he  cannot  be  much  over  thirty  ;  just  a  good  age.  Was  he 
at  home  when  you  went  to  Laurelwood  ?  " 

"  He  came  for  me  at  school.  Mrs.  Lawrence  was  in  New 
York  awaiting  me,"  I  said,  coldly. 

"  You  do  mean  to  marry  him  ?     Honor  bright,  now." 

"  I  have  no  expectations  of  the  kind,  neither  will  I  dis- 
cuss him  in  that  fashion." 

"  Don't  get  vexed.  You  will  not  mind  if  I  flirt  a  little 
with  him?" 

"  As  you  like."  My  tone  was  calm  enough  then,  but  my 
face  burned  with  secret  annoyance. 

"  I  am  dying  for  my  introduction.     Let  us  go  in." 

"  O,  my  dear,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  exclaimed,  in  a  relieved 
tone,  "  I  had  begun  to  wonder  where  you  were  when  I  saw 
Mr.  St.  John  alone.  I  am  glad  you  have  met  a  friend." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  57 

She  looked  Laura  all  over,  and  I  had  begun  to  under- 
stand her  so  well  that  I  knew  her  verdict  was  favorable. 
Mrs.  Hastings  was  a  stylish  and  rather  haughty-looking 
woman ;  Mrs.  Westervelt  very  sweet  and  gracious.  Some- 
Low  I  was  drawn  to  the  latter  at  once. 

Laura  and  Mr.  St.  John  fell  into  a  light  skirmish.  With- 
out being  absolutely  witty,  she  was  quick  and  piquant,  and 
it  appeared  to  me  never  enough  in  earnest  to  be  vexed  if 
any  one  demolished  her  opinions.  He  was  not  severe,  and 
kept  back  the  sarcasm  with  which  he  had  treated  me  on. 
our  first  meeting.  She  certainly  amused  and  interested 
him. 

I  had  never  thought  Laura  handsome  at  school.  She 
was  showy,  vivacious,  and  possessed  the  art  of  adapting 
herself  to  any  person*  She  had  all  sorts  of  beliefs,  fenthu- 
Biasms,  and  graces,  and  was  very  generally  admired.  To- 
night, amid  this  brilliance,  she  did  appear  unusually  at- 
tractive. 

Presently  Mr.  St.  John  took  us  for  a  promenade  and 
ices.  They  had  all  the  conversation,  for  I  only  spoke  when 
either  appealed  to  me ;  but  I  tried  to  decide  what  Laura's 
fascination  for  such  a  man  was,  and  failed.  It  was  alto- 
gether beyond  my  ken. 

After  quite  a  ramble  \ve  found  the  party  discussing  a 
hop  that  was  to  take  place  the  next  evening.  Afterwards 
our  circle  widened,  and  I  found  myself  enjoying  the  gay 
talk,  the  music,  and  the  changing  groups.  The  newness 
interested  me  strongly. 

The  next  morning  we  went  to  ride.  A  friend  of  Mr. 
St.  John's  sent  the  horses,  and  accompanied  us  himself —  a 
very  agreeable  gentleman  withal,  and  a  rather  distinguished- 
looking  cavalier.  The  day  was  delightful.  The  sun  went 
hi  and  out  among  masses  of  dreamy,  floating  cloud ;  the 
fragrant  air  seemed  to  throb  to  the  beating  of  the  ocean 


58  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

waves  beyond.  All  around  was  life  —  blissful,  hopeful  life. 
A  kind  of  auspicious  beginning ;  yet  now  and  then  I 
thought  of  the  solitary  child  who  had  first  learned  to  love 
nature  while  scrambling  over  lonely,  moss-grown  rocks. 
In  those  restricted  visions  how  could  she  dream  what  the 
dawn  of  womanhood  would  be  ? 

It  was  curious  what  a  listless  air  the  hotel  took  on  about 
midday.  Young  men  lounged  in  the  shadiest  corners  of 
the  balconies,  finding  it  too  warm  for  billiards.  Bathing 
was  over,  dowagers  were  taking  an  after-dinner  nap,  young 
ladies  had  disappeared  to  renew  their  beauty  and  freshness 
for  the  evening.  A  droning  sort  of  stillness,  rather  enjoy- 
able after  all  the  crowd  and  confusion. 

Laura  insisted  that  I  should  come  and  look  over  her 
dresses,  and  help  her  choose  one  for  the  hop. 

"  I  suppose  you'll  be  magnificent.  That  comes  of  hav- 
ing a  fortune.  What  a  splendid  mannger  Mrs.  Lawrence 
is!  Your  ride  of  this  morning  was  just  the  thing,  and 
created  a  sensation.  That  salmon-tinted  plume  in  your 
hat  nearly  drove  me  crazy;  and  you  sat  like  a  duchess. 
She  has  given  you  a  royal  entree." 

"  The  ride  wasn't  managed  at  all.  Mr.  Blanchard  pro- 
posed sending  his  horses  over.  "We  simply  accepted  the 
invitation." 

"  Well,  if  you  had  taken  immense  pains,  you  couldn't 
have  played  a  better  card.  I  shall  have  to  look  well  to  my 
laurels,  in  spite  of  your  meek  protestations.  Half  a  dozen 
young  men  are  counting  upon  an  introduction  to-night.  I 
was  quite  in  demand  because  I  happened  to  be  at  school 
with  you." 

"  I  wish  you  would  find  other  things  to  talk  about,"  I 
said,  pettishly. 

"You  can't  make  me  cross  with  you,  my  dear.  I  want 
you  for  a  confidant.  I  must  have  some  one  with  whom 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  59 

I  can  talk  over  my  conquests.  In  return  I  will  allow  you 
to  give  me  high  moral  lectures.  Perhaps  I  may  profit. 
But  if  I  stood  in  your  place,  wouldn't  there  be  one  tre- 
mendous sensation  !  You  don't  half  appreciate  it.  I 
mean  to  make  love  to  Mrs.  Lawrence,  and  get  myself  in- 
vited to  Laurelwood." 

I  smiled  in  spite  of  my  annoyance. 

"  Confession  number  one  will  begin  to-morrow,"  she  said, 
as  I  went  out  of  the  room. 

The  hop  was  enchanting.  Thirza  made  me  supremely 
elegant.  Mrs.  Lawrence  was  in  a  radiant  mood,  and  I  was 
pleased,  delighted,  charmed.  So  many  handsome  and  pol- 
ished men,  and  lovely  women,  such  brilliant  lights  and 
delicious  music  —  low  talk  behind  fans  and  in  corners, 
dancing,  compliments,  and  enjoyment  to  the  very  brim  of 
pleasure's  chalice.  To  know  one  is  capable  of  inspiring 
others  with  admiration,  to  attract  and  satisfy  insensibly,  to 
see  faces  brighten  at  a  word,  does  give  one  a  peculiar  con- 
tentment. It  was  my  first  real  entrance  into  the  world 
of  fashion.  I  used  to  consider  most  of  the  school  recep- 
tions a  bore,  and  perhaps  had  based  my  ideas  of  parties 
upon  those.  That  was  weak  claret  to  this  Moselle. 

Laura  looked,  acted,  and  danced  in  a  most  bewildering 
fashion.  Everybody  thought  her  beautiful,  and  she  is  a 
general  favorite.  Mrs.  Westervelt  pets  her  like  a  daugh- 
ter. Mrs.  Lawrence  admires  her  style  and  spirit  exceed- 
ingly. She  is  considered  frank  and  amiable,  and  gains 
credit  for  hosts  of  virtues  that  she  sneers  at  in  private  in 
her  flippant  way. 

What  avails  it  to  struggle  against  the  continual  tempta- 
tions that  beset  one,  trying  and  failing,  repenting  and 
making  new  resolves,  when  a  little  surf-ice  gilding  carries 
oft'  the  palm?  Do  those  who  exhort  us  to  be  earnest  and 
pure  in  heart,  simple  and  truthful,  really  believe  these 


60  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

homely  virtues  win  a  bright  reward  ?  The  approval  of 
one's  conscience  is  something,  to  be  sure ;  but  are  not  the 
people  who  seem  to  be  utterly  deficient  in  conscience  the 
happiest  ?  At  least  they  take  the  smaller  share  of  suf- 
fering. 

Moralizing  over  a  ball !  Well,  I  was  happy.  The  com- 
pliments and  small  talk  did  not  seem  as  vapid  as  I  ex- 
pected. Mr.  St.  John  appeared  to  enjoy  it,  though  he  did 
not  dance  —  never  does,  his  sister  says.  He  was  very 
attentive,  introducing  people  to  me;  yet  he  was  just  as 
kind  to  Laura. 

"  Such  a  conquest!  "  and  Laura,  fan  in  hand,  threw  her- 
self on  the  sofa  by  the  window.  "Put  away  your  writing 
and  listen  to  me,  if  it  isn't  a  love  letter." 

"I  am  all  attention,"  and  I  shut  my  tiny  desk  with  a 
sharp  click.  "  What  fortress  have  you  laid  in  ruins  now  ?  " 

"First  —  wasn't  it  superb  last  night!  The  handsomest 
woman  in  the  room  was  acknowledged  to  be  Mrs.  Law- 
rence ;  the  two  girls  who  bore  off  the  palm  were  Miss 
Adriance  and  Miss  Hastings:  the  one  with  her  dusky,  ori- 
ental magnificence,  eyes  of  slumberous  fire,  and  vivid 
southern  temperament,  the  other  with  her  cooler  northern 
blood,  that  gives  a  touch  of  frost,  melting  at  the  first  ad- 
vance of  summer.  Shall  I  go  on?" 

"  Spai-e  your  nonsense,"  I  said.  "  If  I  hear  so  much  of 
the  ball  I  shall  be  sick  of  it." 

"There  is  no  use  of  airing  your  humility  before  me. 
You  did  enjoy  it,  1  know.  I  was  glad  to  see  you  be- 
have so  respectably." 

"  I  don't  imagine  a  ball-room  triumph  is  worth  a  great 
deal,"  I  returned,  with  a  doubtful  smile. 

"  Take  the  goods  the  gods  provide,  and  make  a  feast 
over  them  all.  That  is  the  only  true  philosophy.  I  enjoy 
being  considered  handsome,  though  I  do  call  in  the  assist- 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  61 

ance  of  art.  I'm  thankful  to  the  Bloom  of  Youth  for  my 
radiant  complexion,  to  the  hair-dresser  for  making  the  most 
of  my  scanty  locks,  and  the  dress-maker  for  improving  my 
figure.  When  society  praises  you,  take  it  as  your  just 
desert,  and  people  will  pride  themselves  upon  telling  you 
the  truth.  It  is  pleasanter  to  be  overvalued  than  under- 
valued." 

"  But  your  conquest  ?  "  I  said,  impatiently. 

"You  were  so  engrossed  with  your  own  admirers  that 
you  missed  the  fun.  Of  course  you  were  introduced  to 

the  poet,  II ?  The  on  dit  is  that  he  is  engaged  to  Miss 

Conway,  who  really  docs  write  delightful  stories,  and  is  a 
very  fine,  intellectual  woman.  She  was  determined  to 
keep  him  within  her  charmed  circle  of  congenial  minds, 
and  I  threw  out  a  little  bait.  My  sweet  simplicity  capti- 
vated him,  and  he  has  asked  me  to  drive  with  him  this 
afternoon.  I  wonder  how  Miss  Conway  will  take  it! " 

"O,  Laura,  how  could  you  ?" 

"All  is  fair  in  love  and  war,  you  know.  I  have  im- 
proved the  seventeen  years  and  five  months  of  my  life.  I 
think  he  is  desperately  smitten." 

"Suppose  he  should  fall  in  love?" 

"  Then  he  must  fall  out  again." 

"You  will  not  marry  him?" 

"  My  dear  simpleton,  he  is  poor,  and  I  am  looking  for  a 
fortune." 

"  Whether  you  love  or  not?" 

"When  you  come  to  take  the  census  you  will  find  that 
love  matches  do  not  pay.  All  I  ever  knew  turned  out 
miserably.  Love  in  a  cottage  is  charming  to  talk  about, 
and  I  shall  improve  upon  the  theme  this  afternoon  most 
eloquently." 

"  And  you  can  deliberately  resolve  to  throw  away  hap- 
piness for  a  mere  show ! " 


62  SYDN1E  ADRIANCE,   OR 

"Put  it 'substantial,' and  I'll  risk  the  happiness.  You 
are  too  romantic,  Syclnie.  Your  ideals  and  dreams  will 
never  be  realized  in  this  world  of  shams." 

"  There  must  be  some  truth,  some  reality." 

"Nonsense!  Society  is  a  very  fine  humbug,  and  it 
won't  do  to  drag  in  Truth  by  the  hair  of  her  head.  It 
does  not  ask  what  is  under  the  satin,  but  it  does  insist 
rigorously  upon  the  satin.  You  will  find  that  the  chief 
end  of  woman  is  to  make  a  good  marriage.  What  else 
can  she  do?  Old  maids  are  laughed  at,  quizzed,  sent 
about  from  pillar  to  post,  and  made  the  slaves  of  every- 
body, unless  they  happen  to  have  a  fortune.  Not  to  marry 
well  is  a  capital  sin  against  society." 

"  But  no  true  woman  could  degrade  herself  by  marrying 
without  aifection." 

"  Of  course  it  would  be  a  crime  to  confess  it.  Here, 
with  the  mask  off,  we  can  show  honest  faces.  What  does 
a  man  marry  for?  He  wants  an  elegant  mistress  to  his 
establishment,  or  an  income  that  will  help  him  sustain  one. 
In  six  months  he  wouldn't  be  able  to  tell  his  wife  from 
other  women,  if  it  wasn't  that  she  asked  him  for  money 
occasionally.  And  if  she  was  weak  enough  to  pin  her 
faith  on  his  love,  she  can  spend  the  rest  of  her  days  in  the 
shadow  of  a  dead  hope,  grow  old  and  miserable  at  home, 
while  society  adores  him,  and  pities  him  for  being  tied  to 
such  a  log." 

"You  will  admit  that  people  can  love?" 

"  One  feels  in  one's  novel-reading  days  as  if  there  was 
a  tender  place  in  the  head  or  the  heart,  that  love  alone 
could  fill ;  yet  few  of  the  people  who  marry  for  love  are 
happy.  It  has  a  miserable  faculty  of  turning  to  dross.  I 
choose  to  look  at  the  facts.  Here  is  the  world,  pretty  fair 
if  you  are  sharp  enough  to  take  advantage  of  it ;  other- 
wise you  drift  about  to  no  purpose.  When  you  have  a 


TRYING  TIIE   WORLD.  63 

good  position  you  can  dictate  to  your  neighbors,  and  it  is 
much  pleasanter  to  rule  than  to  be  ruled." 

"How  much  nobler  we  should  all  be  if  we  took  as  much 
pains  to  do  right  as  some  do  to  be  false  and  unnatural." 

"  O,  it  would  wear  me  out  in  a  month  to  practise  so 
many  virtues." 

"  And  you  are  willing  to  receive  credit  for  qualities  you 
don't  even  desire  to  possess  ?  " 

"O,  my  dear  girl,  you  go  too  deeply  into  these  matters. 
Life  in  general  is  like  French  flowers.  Brilliancy  and 
beauty  at  the  top  —  underneath,  a  little  cotton  and  painted 
muslin  stuck  together  by  paste.  It  is  not  wise  to  go  into 
details." 

"  I  can  never  be  satisfied  with  such  an  existence,"  I  said, 
warmly. 

"  You  had  better  ask  for  a  missionary  appointment,  and 
go  to  foreign  lands,  for  I  think  the  majority  of  the  people 
here  do  not  desire  to  be  converted  from  the  error  of  their 
ways.  You  are  a  little  too  good  for  this  world ;  yet  I 
don't  quite  despair  of  you,  under  Mrs.  Lawrence's  judicious 
training.  But  I  must  run  away  now.  Wish  me  success." 

How  much  her  views  were  like  Mr.  St.  John's !  Was 
there  no  real  nobleness  and  generosity  in  the  world?  I 
would  not  judge  it  so  harshly,  because  I  felt  in  my  own 
soul  that  I  was  capable  of  higher  joys  than  dressing  and 
flirting.  And  yet,  what  else  was  there  to  do  in  such  a 
life?  One  read  novels  in  a  desultory  fashion,  or  sketched, 
or  crocheted  a  little,  the  rest  of  the  time  being  devoted  to 
pleasure. 

Laura  took  her  drive,  and  made  a  new  engagement. 
She  laughingly  begged  me  to  comfort  Miss  Conway,  and 
fate  threw  us  together.  A  fine,  pure  soul  was  hers,  full  of 

high  aspirations.  I  liked  II also.  I  could  understand 

the  harmony  there  might  be  between  them,  and  it  vexed 
me  that  he  should  neglect  her  for  Laura. 


64  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

How  the  girl  managed  that  her  ninny  flirtations  should 
not  interfere  I  cannot  divine.  Most  of  the  gentlemen 
seemed  to  consider  her  a  charming  and  almost  irresponsible 
child,  and  more  than  one  matron  excused  her  on  the  ground 
that  she  really  did  not  mean  any  harm,  but  was  frank  and 
impulsive,  and  always  ready  to  please.  She  was  not  nn- 
mindful  of  the  main  chance,  however,  and  kept  Mr.  Varick 
within  reach  constantly.  He  was  a  widower,  but  childless ; 
and  for  many  years  a  sister,  now  dead,  had  superintended 
bis  establishment.  Others  besides  her  cast  longing  eyes 
towards  the  possessor  of  such  a  fortune* 

As  a  whole,  I  believe  my  month  at  Newport  was  a  suc- 
cess. Mrs.  Lawrence  approved,  Mr.  St.  John  took  care 
that  I  should  not  lack  for  pleasures.  Riding,  bathing, 
dancing,  and  merriment  of  all  kinds,  that  youth  cannot 
resist.  I  honestly  tried  not  to  flirt,  and  was  thankful  that 
I  had  not  come  husband-hunting. 

Not  that  there  were  no  men  worthy  of  loving.  But  in 
the  glamour  of  such  gayety  who  can  see  soul  to  soul  ?  I 
felt  that  I  would  hardly  risk  a  love  born  under  such  aus- 
pices. One  could  hot  tell  the  tinsel  from  the  pure  gold, 
if  indeed  there  was  any. 

With  all  these  gayeties  there  was  little  time  to  cultivate 
friendships,  yet  I  did  spend  many  pleasant  hours  with  Miss 
Conway  and  Mrs.  Westcrvelt.  The  latter  was  such  a  sweet, 
kind,  motherly  woman.  I  really  wondered  what  attraction 
there  was  in  the  place  for  her,  and  found  that  her  son  had 
made  her  promise  to  join  the  Hastings  party,  as  he  expected 
to  be  away  nearly  all  summer  on  business.  Her  passion 
for  him  was  one  of  the  rare  romances  of  life.  He  was  the 
last  of  quite  a  large  family. 

"  A  good  young  man,"  said  Laura,  with  her  peculiar 
little  laugh.  "Devoted  to  his  mother,  and  all  that.  I 
don't  know  but  I  should  marry  him,  only  I  ain  not  of  the 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  65 

goody  sort,  and  want  a  little  liberty  to  breathe  now  and 
then." 

At  last  we  reached  the  grand  ball  of  the  season  —  a  mas- 
querade. Such  an  endless  discussion  as  to  characters  and 
dresses,  and  guesses  hazarded  about  every  one  !  The  scene 
itself  was  beyond  description.  One  felt  transported  to 
strange  countries.  Cavaliers,  dukes,  kings,  historical  char- 
acters, pages,  and  knights  of  romance  jostled  one  another, 
ami  jested  gayly.  Laura  personated  Byron's  Leila,  look- 
ing the  coquettish  girl  to  perfection,  the  Oriental  dress  and 
fillet  of  pearls  making  her  absolutely  beautiful.  The  poet 
paid  court  to  her  as  the  Giaour.  Mr.  St.  John  chose  the 
costume  of  a  Spanish  woman  for  me ;  and  I  wondered  if 
my  grandmother  ever  stepped  more  stately  in  flowing 
robes  and  lace  mantle.  Somehow  I  felt  wondrously  at 
home,  and  fancied  that  I  acquitted  myself  very  well. 

It  was  nc'iir  d;i\vn  when  the  revellers  began  to  disperse. 
The  night  had  been  one  of  unusual  enjoyment,  but  now 
crape,  illusion,  and  flowers  began  to  droop. 

"  Let  us  go,"  I  said  to  Mrs.  Lawrence ;  "  I  don't  want  to 
remember  the  scene  in  ruins." 

"You  are  right,"  Mr.  St.  John  returned.  "The  last  gala 
night  here.  Are  you  not  sorry?" 

"No,"  I  answered,  a  little  wearily;  "the  whole  month 
has  appeared  like  a  masquerade.  I  shall  be  glad  to  get 
back  to  sober  life." 

"  Laurelwood  will  seem  dull  and  tame." 

"If  it  is  as  bright  as  my  remembrance  of  it,  I  shall  have 
no  fear." 

I  It1  turned  me  suddenly  round,  and  gave  one  long,  search- 
ing glance  into  my  face ;  then,  with  a  hurried  good  night, 
we  parted. 

5 


SYDNIE  ADEIANCE,  OK 


CHAPTER  V. 

*'  Ills  sweet  to  feel  by  what  fine-spuu  threads  our  affections  are  drawn  to- 
gether." STEUXE. 

THE  next  day  was  one  of  farewells.  No  more  rambles 
in  the  tender,  throbbing  moonlight,  with  the  great  swells 
of  the  ocean  rising  and  sinking  with  their  thunderous 
rhythm,  and  foam  phantoms  chasing  one  another  far  up 
the  shore.  No  more  drives  in  softest  twilight,  where  the 
purple  air  was  all  alive  and  quivering  with  the  glory  of 
the  departed  day.  No  more  brilliance  and  flirting  in  the 
long  hall,  thronged  with  porters  bringing  down  hosts  of 
trunks.  The  revel  was  surely  over,  and  the  place  already 
wore  an  air  of  desolation. 

Mrs.  Westervelt  had  insisted,  and  Mrs.  Lawrence  had 
accepted  an  invitation  for  a  few  weeks  in  New  York. 

"Miss  Adriance  will  not  want  to  keep  straight  on  with 
dissipation,  I  think,"  Mr.  St.  John  said.  "  Suppose  we 
take  a  quiet  little  turn  about  the  country  for  a  fortnight." 

"O!"  I  exclaimed,  in  a  delighted  tone;  and  I  know  the 
gratification  in  my  face  finished  the  sentence. 

So  we  said  good  by  to  the  party.  I  should  have  been 
very  lonely  for  the  remainder  of  the  day  if  I  had  not 
heeded  Mrs.  Lawrence's  fervent  injunction,  and  gone  to 
bed.  I  was  really  tired  and  sleepy. 

The  parlors  looked  lonely  enough  in  the  evening.  Two 
or  three  lingerers  sang  at  the  piano,  but  I  fancied  the 
voices  had  a  pathetic  touch. 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  67 

"  Let  us  go  out  for  a  short  walk,"  Mr.  St.  John  said. 
"There  is  no  moon,  but  we  shall  not  lose  our  way." 

"  Well,"  he  began,  after  a  long,  long  while,  just  as  I  fan- 
cied that  he  was  not  going  to  talk  at  all,  "  how  do  you 
like  this  phase  of  life'?  I  think  its  gayeties  have  not 
proved  tiresome." 

"It  seems  a  sort  of  hot-house  existence,"  I  answered; 
"and,  though  it  is  delightful  for  a  while,  I  shouldn't  want 
it  continually." 

lie  laughed  sharply,  with  a  curious  sound  in  his  voice 
that  displeased  me. 

"  You  still  cling  to  the  old  notion.  Your  friend  should 
have  turned  your  thoughts  into  a  more  practical  channel." 

I  knew  he  meant  Laura. 

"I  think  neither  of  us  would  be  likely  to  influence  the 
other.  We  are  as  widely  different  as  one  can  well  im- 
agine." Then,  after  a  pause,  which  lie  seemed  in  no  hurry 
to  break,  I  said,  "Mr.  St.  John,  have  you  tny  faith,  any 
creed,  any  rule  of  conduct?" 

"My  beliefs  are  not  for  a  woman  fair  and  young;"  and 
I  knew  the  expression  of  his  f;ice  must  be  bitter  by  the 
tone  he  used.  "  But  we  will  not  spoil  our  last  night  here 
by  disputing.  We  surely  can  find  some  pleasanter  topic 
of  conversation." 

And,  to  do  him  justice,  he  did.  I  confess  I  do  not  un- 
derstand the  man  at  all.  Every  change  in  him  surprises 
me.  When  lie  seemed  firmly  fixed  as  the  rock  of  Gibral- 
tar, and  hedged  about  with  thorns,  and  while  you  are  con- 
sidering in  what  manner  you  can  best  meet  his  mood,  ho 
suddenly  becomes  as  calm  and  as  fair  as  a  summer  s;-a. 

Our  little  tour  was  very  delightful,  taking  in  Niagara. 
My  pen  almost  stops,  my  very  thoughts  stand  with  uncov- 
ered, reverent  heads.  Sublimity  and  grandeur  arc  mean- 
ing words,  but  they  are  tame  when  applied  to  this  resistless 


68  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

tide,  nature's  magnificent  organ,  whose  tones  seem  akin  to 
the  full  choral  of  that  morning  when  the  stars  all  sang  to- 
gether. Every  dash  of  spray  is  deeply  tinctured  with  a 
sense  of  mysterious  loveliness,  amber,  opal,  and  frost-white 
with  the  warmer  hues  born  of  sunshine.  A  sacred  pil- 
grimage that  ought  to  make  one's  soul  better  and  nobler. 

I  liked  Mr.  St.  John  so  much  while  we  were  there !  He 
seemed  to  throw  off  the  mask  he  wears  continually,  and 
give  one  a  glimpse  of  the  real  man,  royally  sweet,  appre- 
ciative, and  enjoyable. 

I  was  glad  to  see  Mrs.  Wcstervelt  again.  She  welcomed 
us  all  warmly,  with  that  genuine  hospitality  which  is  al- 
ways beyond  question.  Home  is  preeminently  her  place. 
Her  gentleness,  her  affection,  her  comprehensive  charity 
charm  me.  I  wonder  how  it  would  have  been  with  me  if 
I  had  shared  such  a  mother's  love  ! 

Philip,  the  son,  was  still  away  when  we  first  came.  I 
own  that  I  was  positively  anxious  to  see  him,  and  it  was 
delightful  to  have  his  mother  talk  of  him  in  her  fond,  half- 
girlish  manner  —  for  she  is  one  of  the  women  who  will 
never  grow  old.  Mr.  Westervelt,  though  not  much  her 
senior,  seems  quite  aged  beside  her.  He  is  still  hale  and 
hearty,  though,  with  his  mind  completely  engrossed  by 
business. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  had  gone  out  one  afternoon,  and  I  sat  in 
Mrs.  "Westervelt's  room,  reading  to  her.  This  was  a  great 
pleasure  to  me ;  and  coming  occasionally  to  a  passage 
marked,  I  lingered  over  it  with  peculiar  interest.  She 
would  recognize  it  with  a  quick  smile,  and  for  a  few  sec- 
onds lose  herself  in  happy  remembrances.  During  one  of 
these  pauses  I  heard  a  servant's  exclamation  in  the  hall, 
the  quiet  shutting  of  the  door,  and  a  light,  springing  step 
mounted  the  stairs,  two  at  a  bound. 

She  gave  a  little  cry  of  joy,  and  started  from  her  chair, 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  C9 

to  be  clasped  to  a  heart  fond  and  warm  as  lier  own.  I 
had  a  glimpse  of  a  frank,  youthful  face,  blushing  in  sur- 
prise, and  a  head  of  tawny,  chestnut  curls,  and  then  I  ran 
away,  feeling  that  the  scene  was  too  sacred  for  stranger 
eyes.  And  it  saddened  me  to  know  that  in  all  the  wide 
world  there  was  no  such  love  and  no  such  welcome  for  me. 

Presently  I  was  sent  for  to  the  drawing-room,  and  intro- 
duced formally  ;  but  Mr.  Westervelt  laughed  as  he  said, — 

"  My  mother  insists  that  I  shocked  you  half  an  hour  ago, 
Miss  Adriance,  by  my  sudden  appearance.  Not  having 
the  grace  of  an  angel,  I  suppose  I  ought  to  apologize.  I 
expected  to  find  her  alone." 

"Not  a  very  complimentary  apology,  when  yon  saw  how 
I  was  entertained,"  Mrs.  Westervelt  said,  deprecatingly. 

"Mother,  do  you  mean  to  keep  me  from  making  peace 
with  Miss  Adriance?  Did  you  expect  me  to  send  a  tele- 
gram, with  date  of  hour  and  moment,  when  I  came  flying 
upon  the  wings  of  the  wind  myself?  Suppose  we  do  it 
all  over  again  ?  Newport  has  put  some  grand  ideas  in 
your  head.  I  shall  have  to  take  a  turn  there  next  sum- 
mer. Miss  Adriance,  am  I  forgiven  ?  Please  don't  think 
me  a  bear.  I  am  more  like  a  great,  shaggy  Newfoundland 
dog." 

"  There  certainly  was  nothing  to  pardon  ; "  and  I 
smiled. 

"  Mamma  mine,  you  see  she  doesn't  hold  malice.  I'm 
glad,  Miss  Adriance,  for  I  want  to  be  friends  with  you, 
since  you  have  a  claim  on  some  one  very  clear  to  me.  If 
you  had  not  started  quite  so  soon,  I  should  have  dropped 
down  upon  you  at  Laurelwood,  for  I  have  been  rambling 
about  Virginia  the  last  six  weeks.  It  would  have  been 
Tara's  halls  deserted." 

"But  'Beauty's  reign  '  was  not  over." 

"Ah,  you  have  been  conquered  by  its  potent  spell.     Did 


70  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

you  ever  see  so  lovely  a  place,  Miss  Adrinnce?  St.  John 
goes  on  adding  to  it  year  by  year,  and  yet  to  me  it  has 
always  been  perfect." 

Mrs.  Westervelt  rang  for  a  servant  to  light  tip  the  room. 
I  ventured  to  take  my  first  real  glimpse  of  Philip  then. 
Frank  and  manly,  without  being  regulaily  handsome ;  a 
rather  full  figure,  with  remnants  of  boyish  grace,  and  a 
face  good  and  sweet,  rather  than  strong.  Not  that  it  was 
weak ;  but  it  lacked  the  sense  of  maturity  and  power  that 
always  pleased  me  so  in  Mr.  St.  John.  I  don't  know  why 
I  should  compare  other  men  with  him,  as  if  he  were  a 
standard  of  excellence,  and  yet  I  often  find  myself  doing 
it.  There  was  nothing  bitter  nor  satirical  in  this  face ;  and 
I  felt  how  genial  and  warm  his  heart  must  be. 

Mrs.  Westervelt  left  us  to  give  some  orders  about  the 
dinner.  Philip  eyed  me  in  an  odd,  amused  fashion  for  a 
moment,  then  said,  with  his  bright  smile, — 

"  You  must  pardon  me,  but  I  have  had  a  great  curiosity 
to  see  what  Mr.  St.  John's  ward  would  be  like.  Guardian- 
ship seems  a  new  phase  for  him." 

"Pie  did  not  choose  her,"  I  returned;  "she  was  'great- 
ness thrust  upon  him.' " 

"How  does  he  bear  his  honors  —  meekly?" 

"  I  have  a  fancy  that  meekness  is  not  one  of  his  strong 
characteristics." 

"You  are  right.     Well,  do  you  like  him?" 

"  Sometimes."    I  made  a  slight  grimace  for  the  rest. 

He  laughed. 

•  "Don't  think  me  impertinent.  He  is  peculiar,  and  so 
are  you." 

"  Peculiar ! "  I  echoed. 

"Yes ;  you  carry  it  in  your  face  ;  a  kind  of  mystery  that 
perplexes  one." 

"  I  was  not  aware  of  that,"  I  said.  "  I  always  fancied 
my  feelings  came  quite  readily  to  the  surface." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  71 

u  Do  they  ?  Not  those  that  you  care  the  most  about.  Did 
you  ever  think,  Miss  Adriiince,  of  the  different  stories  peo- 
ple carry  in  their  faces?  Some  writer  says,  'We  come  at 
length  in  ourselves  to  express  the  spirit  within  us.  The 
physical  fact  has  its  perfect  moral  respondent.'" 

"  But  that  cannot  apply  to  faces." 

"I  believe  no  general  rule  applies  to  all.  But  some 
faces  do  express  at  a  glance  the  contents  within.  They 
are  never  difficult  natures  to  read.  Others  set  one  wonder- 
ing what  their  possessors  will  do  in  the  great  straits  of  life, 
when  some  emotion,  magnetized  by  its  own  strength, 
sways  and  thrills  them,  and  hurries  them  impetuously 
through  contests.  You  ask  if  they  will  be  bitter  in  anger, 
defiant,  and  uncompromising;  or  if  through  all  the  power 
and  strength  runs  a  fine  stream  of  rarest  love,  like  the 
glowing  veins  in  an  agate,  and  tells  you  what  the  draught 
would  be  if  the  right  hand  held  the  key  to  the  fountain." 

I  was  growing  strangely  interested,  and  asked, — 

"  What  do  you  see  in  my  face?" 

"I'm  not  going  to  tell  you  now;  but  some  time,  when 
the  friendship  warrants  the  frankness,  you  may  ask  me; 
though  I  assure  you  I  do  not  boast  of  my  skill.  You  see 
that  I  count  upon  being  friends;"  and  he  smiled. 

I  held  out  my  hand  with  a  sudden  impulse. 

"Thank  you.  I  have  another  fancy  about  names,  Miss 
Adriance.  If  you  have  been  wrongly  called,  we  shall  have 
a  new  christening.  Now  my  mother,  you  see,  must  have 
had  a  presentiment.  Philip  would  call  up  a  vision  of 
hazel  eyes,  chestnut  curls,  a  laughing,  careless  fellow,  with 
small  regard  for  extreme  conventionalities,  fond  of  gay, 
social  life,  and  home  love.  And  Stuart  is  just  the  name 
for  St.  John  —  proud,  stern,  and  suggestive." 

"  I  will  give  you  three  guesses,"  I  said,  as  his  eyes  ques- 
tioned me. 


72  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"Margaret  or  Eleanor?" 

"No." 

"  You  are  so  tall  and  stately,  and  with  that  wealth  of 
dusky  hair,  that  you  ought  to  have  a  queenly  appellative. 
Softness  and  gentleness  will  not  do  for  you." 

"  Why  shouldn't  I  have  a  gentle  name  ?  Do  you  think  I 
have  nothing  appealing  in  ray  nature  ?  " 

"Think  of  May,  or  Grace,  or  Jessie — " 

"  Or  Ellen.  Yet  I  am  sure  Ellen  Douglas  had  some  spirit 
and  character." 

A  strange  light  wandered  over  his  face,  softening  it  in- 
describably. 

"Your  black  eyes,  with  their  slumberous  fire,  would 
spoil  an  Ellen.  She  should  be  small  and  slender,  with 
loose,  brown  curls,  and  shy,  downcast  eyes  of  heaven's  own. 
blue ;  her  voice  should  be  smooth  and  cool,  like  the  mur- 
mur of  a  midsummer  stream  through  flowery  meads. 
What  strange  dreams  sometimes  get  tangled  with  one's 
life !  But  my  last  chance,"  and  he  roused  himself  with 
an  effort  —  "  Elizabeth  ?  " 

"  It  would  be  cruel  to  torment  you.  My  mother  loved  my 
dead  father  so  well  that  she  gave  me  his  name  —  Sydnie." 

"Excellent.     That  heightens  the  mystery  of  your  face." 

"  You  insist  upon  that  ?  " 

"  It  is  a  cardinal  point  of  faith  with  me.  There's  St. 
John's  voice  in  the  hall,  so  we  will  append  to  our  conver- 
sation a  'to  be  continued  ; '  "  and  he  laughed  lightly  as  he 
went  out  to  meet  his  friend. 

What  a  contrast  the  two  men  were  !  I  could  not  help 
remarking  it  at  the  dinner  table.  How  they  had  ever  be- 
come such  warm  friends  puzzled  me.  And  this  night  Mr. 
St.  John  blossomed  into  a  geniality  and  richness  that  was 
absolutely  fascinating.  How  handsome  he  was,  with  a 
bright  glow  in  his  eyes  and  a  flush  upon  his  cheek !  for 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  73 

although  in  the  enjoyment  of  perfect  health,  he  had  very 
little  color.  We  had  a  really  delightful  evening,  and  the 
picture  remains  in  my  mind  as  one  of  those  perfect  home 
ecenes  that  I,  at  least,  had  rarely  witnessed.  Mrs.  Wester- 
velt's  joy  was  complete ;  the  sweet  face  was  serene  and 
content. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  has  a  wonderful  adaptableness.  She 
seems  at  home  everywhere,  and  enjoys  all  pleasures  in 
the  same  refined  and  delicate  manner.  I  suppose  she  has 
some  choice,  but  none  of  her  feelings  are  ever  roused  into 
active  opposition.  I  wonder  if  she  doesn't  grow  tired,  liv- 
ing the  same  life  over  day  after  day.  I  should  want  some 
great  event  to  happen,  some  incident  that  would  stir  my 
blood  now  and  then. 

After  Philip's  return  we  were  a  good  deal  gayer,  or  at 
least  he  gave  to  all  delights  his  peculiar  zest.  His  love  for 
his  mother  was  like  a  tender  romance,  and  he  treated  her 
with  a  deference  and  devotion  any  wife  might  have  been 
proud  of.  She  appreciated  it  thoroughly ;  but  I  think  she 
was  most  generous  in  that  she  did  not  seem  to  fear  the 
time  when  she  would  be  called  upon  to  share  it  with 
another.  Indeed,  Philip's  wife  was  rather  a  pet  idea  of 
hers.  I  smiled  as  I  thought  how  Laura  had  discarded  him 
from  her  future. 

There  was  a  series  of  small  dinner-parties,  concerts,  and 
several  operas  to  take  up  our  attention  ;  beyond  this,  ram- 
bles with  Philip,  who  haunted  picture  galleries  and  artists' 
studios.  He  was  not  lacking  in  cultivation,  as  well  as  love 
for  all  things  beautiful. 

"It  puzzles  me  how  you  can  have  learned  so  much,"  I 
said,  late  one  afternoon,  as  we  were  sauntering  through  a 
quiet  street. 

"I  believe  nearly  nil  the  good  things  in  my  life  came 
from  Laurehvood,"  he  returned,  seriously. 


74  STDNJE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

"Love  for  art,  for  music,  for  home,  and  nil  refined  en- 
joyments. You  must  have  been  an  apt  scholar,  and  Mr. 
St.  John  a  most  generous  preceptor." 

"When  you  know  him  better  you  will  scarcely  wonder. 
You  have  hardly  seen  his  real  character  yet,  and  perhaps- 
he  might  not  show  his  heart  as  readily  to  a  woman.  I 
think  he  is  a  little  suspicious  of  the  sex ;  but  he  is  noble 
enough  to  honor  goodness  when  he  meets  with  it." 

"I  have  not  been  sufficiently  noble  to  justify  his  appre- 
ciation, then  —  a  rather  mortifying  conclusion." 

"You  don't  believe  that:  I  can  tell  it  by  the  compres- 
sion of  your  lips  and  the  little  shadow  that  comes  in  your 
eyes." 

"  Then  my  face  has  ceased  to  be  mysterious." 

"I  understand  some  of  its  moods.  Shall  I  tell  you  how 
I  came  to  love  St.  John  ?" 

"  Yes,"  I  answered,  diverted  from  the  question  I  meant 
to  ask. 

"Of  course  you  can  imagine  how  I  was  indulged  through 
my  boyhood,  especially  after  I  became  an  only  child.  My 
father  was  very  proud  of  me.  At  college  he  kept  me  lib- 
erally supplied  with  money,  and  I  ran  into  many  tempta- 
tions; youth  is  so  taken  with  the  glitter  of  show  and 
power.  I  liked  to  be  admired,  and  called  a  generous  fel- 
low; and  that  I  did  not  plunge  into  absolute  excesses  was 
owing  to  the  influence  of  my  sweet  mother.  But,  as  you 
see,  there  was  scarcely  any  restraint  upon  me.  When  I 
came  home  my  father  took  me  into  his  counting-house.  It 
was  merely  a  nominal  position,  and  I  might  have  idled  my 
time  shamefully ;  but  I  took  quite  a  fancy  to  business.  I 
squandered  enough  as  it  was,  frequenting  theatres,  billiard 
halls,  club-rooms,  and  champagne  suppers,  and  driving  a 
fast  horse.  You  cannot  realize  the  power  of  such  influ- 
ences, and  how  they  blunt  the  finer  feelings.  One  becomes 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  75 

accustomed  to  hearing  the  names  of  women  he  had  re- 
spected bandied  about  in  toasts  and  idle  jests;  truth,  af- 
fection, and  purity  sneered  at,  and  love  perverted  —  bought 
and  sold  in  market-places,  —  until  one  loses  all  faith  in  the 
holiness  of  human  nature. 

"  After  .1  while  I  was  dangerously  ill  with  a  fever.  I 
had  never  been  sick  before,  and  in  the  long  convalescence 
there  was  plenty  of  time  for  thought.  I  used  to  watch 
mother,  with  her  noiseless  steps,  smoothing  pillows, 
arranging  flowers,  interpreting  the  slightest  glance,  and 
ministering  unto  me  with  unwearied  devotion.  How 
poorly  I  had  requited  her  love  and  my  father's  unbounded 
confidence  !  I  had  wasted  my  energies  in  an  idle,  unprofit- 
able life,  and  a  weight  like  a  mountain  lay  upon  my  heart. 
How  could  I  escape  walking  in  the  old  paths? 

"  St.  John,  happening  to  have  some  business  with  father, 
was  at  the  house  quite  frequently,  and  we  used  to  drive 
together.  I  suppose  I  must  have  moped  and  betrayed  my 
want  of  spirits,  for  he  took  great  pains  to  interest  me.  I 
found  him  so  different  from  the  men  I  had  known,  that  at 
last  I  was  won  into  betraying  my  secret  uneasiness.  A 
grand,  rich  nature,  full  of  power,  intellect,  and  courage, 
living  the  great  truths  he  teaches  to  others,  and  offering 
no  draught,  be  it  ever  so  unwelcome  a  tonic,  that  he  is  not 
willing  to  test  himselK" 

"  He  doesn't  impress  me  in  that  manner,"  I  said.  "  I 
have  seen  him  sneer  and  be  very  bitter  over  some  things." 

"  He  is  intolerant  of  shams.  Having  seen  much  of  the 
world,  he  can  readily  distinguish  between  the  false  and  the 
true.  And,  though  gentle,  there  is  a  rigid  side  to  his 
character.  No  man  is  ever  wholly  developed  until  he 
comes  to  the  grand  passion  of  his  life.  I  want  to  see 
St.  John  fairly  in  love  with  a  woman  worthy  of  the  regard 
such  a  man  can  jnve." 


76  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  But  your  own  story." 

"He  persuaded  mother  to  let  him  take  me  to  Laurel- 
wood.  It  was  my  first  visit,  and  in  the  spring.  The  glory 
of  the  place  touched  me  deeply.  It  seemed  to  me  that 
field  and  wood  were  never  so  beautiful.  Quivering  lights 
and  trooping  shadows ;  a  perfect  splendor  of  life  in  the 
flowers  that  shook  out  clouds  of  incense  as  a  morning 
hymn ;  birds  whose  soaring  crescendo  broke  into  a  thousand 
wild,  sweet  echoes ;  skies  fretted  with  silver  bars  at  mid- 
day, and  glowing  with  purple  and  golden  sunsets  at  night. 
Everything  was  instinct  with  a  sense  of  quick,  vital  fresh- 
ness. Do  you  wonder  that  I  found  my  soul  ?  We  used 
to  have  such  long,  delightful  talks;  and  in  the  tender  twi- 
light he  would  play  on  the  organ  many  of  those  ineffable 
harmonies  of  the  old  masters.  It  was  being  '  born  again.' 
I  came  back  to  my  mother,  her  child." 

"  And  you  discovered  the  true  secret  of  life,"  I  said, 
musingly.  "  Some  souls  have  a  more  difficult  search.  It 
seems  to  me  half  the  things  in  this  world  are  at  war  with 
the  other  half.  How  is  one  to  distinguish  ?" 

"  By  being  true  to  God  and  one's  self.  The  way  is  not 
BO  hard,  after  all;  but  we  are  blind  and  dull  until  some 
shock  rouses  us." 

"It  is  more  trying  for  a  woman,"  I  returned.  "She  is 
expected  to  pay  some  regard  to  the  claims  of  society.  I 
believe  female  reformers  are  at  a  discount." 

"But  patient,  noble,  high-toned  women  never  are." 

We  had  reached  the  house  by  this  time.  The  breezy 
autumn  wind  had  inspirited  me.  I  felt  strong  and  glad  in 
every  pulse,  and  ready  to  begin  anew. 

"  I  never  can  tell  you  all  the  reasons  why  I  love  St. 
John,"  Philip  said,  in  a  softened  tone.  "A  month  ago  I 
was  thankful  for  the  lesson  I  had  learned  in  self-denial 
and  true  manliness.  Life  isn't  always  fair  and  smooth. 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  77 

There  are  thorns  in  nearly  every  path.  Have  I  tired  you 
with  my  confidences?" 

"O,  no."  I  experienced  a  quick,  joyous,  friendly  feeling 
towards  him.  It  was  the  first  rare  emotion  of  my  life. 

Running  up  stairs  eagerly,  —  for  we  were  a  little  late, — 
I  met  Mr.  St.  John  on  the  landing  —  a  cool,  quiet,  polished 
gentleman ;  a  picture  there  in  the  light,  mellowed  through 
the  ground  globe:  Philip  Westervelt's  hero  —  a  Sir  Ga- 
lahad. 

"Truant,"  he  exclaimed,  in  a  tone  that  influenced  me 
curiously,  "where  have  you  been  so  long?" 

"  Walking  with  Mr.  Westervelt,  and  talking.  He  isn't 
bitter,  and  cynical,  and  unjust,  as  you  are." 

Then  I  stood  still,  quite  frightened.  My  thoughts  had 
clothed  themselves  with  words  too  soon. 

"  I  am  glad  you  have  been  well  entertained,"  he  re- 
turned, coldly,  allowing  me  to  pass  without  further  com- 
ment. 

What  a  bright,  glowing  face  I  saw  in  the  glass !  It  was 
beautiful,  and  I  could  not  help  feeling  glad.  I  had  a  pre- 
sentiment that  there  were  people  in  the  world  who  could 
appreciate  me,  be  patient  with  my  faults,  strengthen  my 
earnest  desire  for  what  was  best  and  highest  in  life,  and 
help  me  to  mould  my  character  into  that  symmetry  so 
much  to  be  desired,  where  soul  and  body  should  not  war 
with  one  another,  but  become  a  harmonious  whole. 

I  was  a  little  nervous  as  I  went  down  to  dinner;  but 
Mr.  St.  John's  face  wore  its  usual  serene  expression.  He 
never  betrays  any  feeling  to  me. 


78  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OB 


CHAPTER  VI. 

"  This  is  the  excellent  foppery  of  the  world." 

HAMLET. 

WE  saw  Laura  Hastings  frequently,  and  I  was  surprised 
at  the  readiness  with  which  she  adapted  herself  to  any 
position.  The  girl  was  a  born  actress.  It  was  a  mystery 
to  me  how  she  could  appear  so  completely  at  home  in  any 
kind  of  mental  garb  in  which  she  chose  to  clothe  herself. 

Mrs.  Hastings  smiled  very  complacently  upon  her  child. 
Their  rooms  were  generally  thronged  of  an  evening,  and 
Laura  queened  it  royally.  I  began  to  think  Mrs.  Hastings 
fully  as  good  a  manager  as  Mrs.  Lawrence ;  and,  though 
they  were  not  really  wealthy,  everything  was  carried  on 
with  an  air  of  elegance. 

I  called  one  day  with  Mrs.  "VVestervelt,  when  Laura  in- 
sisted I  should  remain  to  lunch,  and  carried  me  off  to  her 
room. 

"  My  dear,"  she  said,  "  I've  been  wild  to  see  you  all  the 
morning.  I  had  a  most  magnificent  present  last  night, 
which  I  am  sure  you  can  appreciate;"  and  opening  a  cas- 
ket, she  displayed  a  pair  of  emerald  bracelets  of  rare  and 
exquisite  workmanship.  They  seemed  to  make  a  glitter 
of  sunlight  in  the  small  apartment. 

"I  leave  you  to  guess  the  donor." 

"  Mr.  Varick,  I  suppose :  such  gifts  must  be  measured 
by  the  length  of  one's  purse." 

"  Are  they  not  splendid  ?    You  can  have  every  lovely 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  79 

thing  you  want;  but  to  me  they  are  perfect  treasures. 
And  with  them  a  card  for  Mrs.  Thurston's  ball.  She  is 
Lis  only  sister,  and  immensely  aristocratic.  I  fancy  it  was 
a  special  permit." 

"In  what  manner?" 

"  O,  we  plebeians  haven't  the  entree  of  that  golden  circle 
by  right.  Mamma  was  hugely  astonished.  Of  course  you 
know  what  it  means." 

"Not  an  erigairement?" 

O      O 

"The  next  thing  to  it.  We  haven't  progressed  that 
rapidly.  Indeed,  I'm  sorry  it's  coming  quite  so  soon." 

"Do  you  really  mean  to  accept  him?" 

"O,  I  shall  accept,  of  course.  Mamma  would  feel 
tempted  to  sew  me  up  in  a  sack  and  drop  me  in  the  Hud- 
son if  I  didn't.  And  I  must  be  married  by  next  summer." 

"  What's  the  urgent  necessity  ?  You  will  not  be  ancient 
by  that  time-."' 

"  But  I  have  a  handsome  sister  who  is  to  be  introduced. 
We  are  too  nearly  of  an  age  for  comfort." 

"  I  should  think  a  sister  would  be  a  pleasant  compan- 
ion." 

"  Obtuse  mortal :  if  a  sister  is  handsome,  she  will  rival 
you;  if  plain,  she  will  envy  you  and  be  spiteful.  Gertrude 
is  a  brilliant  brunette,  with  great,  lustrous  eyes,  and  rich, 
crimson  cheeks,  dashing,  piquant,  and  glowing — just  the 
kind  of  woman  that  men  go  wild  over.  Mamma  predicts 
wonderful  things  for  her.  So,  you  see,  after  this  winter 
my  reign  will  be  at  an  end.  I  could  comfort  myself  with 
the  pleasure  of  seeing  her  married  first,  and,  perhaps,  pick 
up  some  of  her  old  lovers." 

"  After  she  was  married,  you  could  reassert  your  sway." 
'"And  be  merely  a  side  ornament  in  fashion's  drawing- 
room,  holding  a  candle  that  my  sister  may  see  the  better 
to  put  on  airs  and  patronize  me.     O,  I  know  the  world  to 


80  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

the  last  chapter;   and  no  younger  sister  marries  before 
me." 

"  You  do  not  take  a  very  amiable  view,"  I  said. 

"And  you  cannot  realize  my  situation.  Mamma  will 
expect  me  to  make  my  old  finery  do  next  summer,  and 
spend  everything  upon  Gertrude.  I  shall  look  faded, 
passee,  and,  very  likely,  be  ill-natured.  People  will  won- 
der why  I  didn't  marry,  and  try  to  make  me  out  half  a 
dozen  years  older  than  I  am.  The  world  is  a  good  enough 
slave,  but  a  hard  master." 

"  The  other  would  be  galling  slavery  to  me." 

"  We  are  altogether  different,  my  dear.  A  comfortable 
husband  and  a  luxurious  life  are  my  ambition." 

"  But  he  is  so  much  older,  —  rather  stiff  and  formal,  it 
seems  to  me." 

"I'd  like  to  have  him  younger;  but  it  will  not  do  to  let 
the  chance  go  by.  So  I  shall  accept  him  ;  and,  if  some- 
thing better  offers,  I  shall  do  the  pathetic  in  a  graceful 
fashion." 

"  How  heartless  you  are,  Laura ! "  I  could  not  forbear 
saying. 

She  laughed. 

"  It  doesn't  pay  to  be  sentimental.  I  am  determined  to 
make  a  good  match ;  but  if  anything  better  than  this  offers 
I  shall  surely  take  it." 

"And  circumstances  only  will  keep  you  from  trifling 
with  Mr.  Varick.  I  think  he  has  some  regard  for  you." 

"  Don't  look  so  horrified.  I  shall  manage  it  admirably. 
A  charmingly  frank  confession,  in  which  I  shall  bewail  my 
mistake,  amid  tears  and  blushes,  and  appeal  to  his  mag- 
nanimous heart.  There's  nothing  like  fluttering  men  a 
little ;  they  all  have  a  weak  spot.  The  secret  of  being 
fascinating  is  only  keeping  people  pleased  with  themselves. 
When  you  rub  them  up  the  wrong  way,  it  makes  their  eye- 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  81 

sight  ever  so  much  keener,  and  they  are  able  to  detect 
every  flaw  in  you." 

"  ttut  think  of  the  home  hallowed  by  no  affection!" 

"  It  will  be  rendered  brilliant  by  money,  nevertheless.  I 
should  soon  tire  of  the  humdrum  existence  you  worship. 
Goodness  is  invariably  stupid;  and  love  becomes,  in  time, 
a  bore.  If  I  was  insane  enough  to  marry  some  one  who 
insisted  upon  my  gracing  the  domestic  fireside,  and  thought 
holding  my  hand  and  reading  poetry  sufficient  compensa- 
tion, I  should  elope  with  the  first  dashing  fellow  who  pre- 
sented himself." 

"  And  you  suppose  no  such  temptation  will  occur  to  Mrs, 
Varick?" 

"  My  dear,  I  have  a  great  regard  for  the  proprieties  of 
life.  I  shall  have  an  elegant  house,  an  indulgent  husband, 
and  hosts  of  company,  lean  invite  Gertrude  to  my  par- 
ties, drive  her  out  in  my  carriage,  share  honors  with  her 
next  summer  at  Newport ;  so  I  fancy  my  time  will  be  suf- 
ficiently occupied.  I  may  do  a  little  flirting  on  the  sly, 
but  it  will  be  of  the  most  harmless  kind." 

"And  after  you  have  gone  through  with  the  round  of 
pleasures  ?  " 

"  I'll  go  over  them  again,  of  course." 

"The  life  looks  bald,  and  heartless,  and  uninviting  to 
me,"  I  said. 

"  Sydnie,"  she  began,  suddenly,  "why  don*t  you  take 
Phil?  He  is  one  of  the  good,  fireside  kind." 

I  colored  with  conscious  shame ;  for  somehow  I  could 
not  biing  myself  to  discuss  my  preferences  in  this  flippant 
manner. 

"Confess!"  She  knelt  before  me,  and  looked  steadily 
into  my  face. 

"  There  is  nothing  to  confess.     We  are  simply  friends. 
If  you  need  any  further  assurance,  I  Uke  him  very  much," 
6 


82  SYDNIE  ADB1ANCE,   OS 

« I  absolutely  despair  of  you.  What  do  you  intend  to 
do  with  yourself?  " 

"I  may  find  some  place  and  employment." 

"  I  will  read  your  fortune.  You  are  starting  out  with 
impossible  theories,  which  men  will  tolerate  now  because 
you  are  young,  handsome,  and  rich.  But  when  you  begin 
to  fade,  grow  disappointed  in  the  failure  of  your  fine  ideas, 
and  possibly  a  little  sharp  in  temper,  you'll  marry  like  the 
rest  of  us.  Wouldn't  it  be  grand  to  meet  in  about  ten 
years  and  compare  notes?" 

The  bell  rang  for  lunch,  and  we  went  down  stairs.  A 
friend  of  Mrs.  Hastings  had  come  in,  and  Mrs.  Thurston's 
ball  was  the  great  topic  of  discussion.  Mrs.  Hastings 
talked  of  their  invitation  with  most  aristocratic  non- 
chalance ;  but  she  was  too  well-bred  to  hint  at  Laura's 
prospects,  though  I  could  not  help  but  feel  that  they -were 
both  secretly  elated. 

After  that  we  went  down  Broadway.  When  we  parted 
she  gave  a  dainty  little  nod  of  her  head. 

"  I  shall  be  sure  to  see  you  after  I  have  distracted  every 
one  with  my  emeralds  and  my  rich  lover,"  were  her  part- 
ing words. 

I  walked  slowly  to  Madison  Square,  wondering  what 
changes  ten  years  would  bring  about.  How  strange  it 
seemed,  to  stand  upon  the  threshold  of  life  with  so  many 
pleasant  things  about  one !  I  could  afford  to  wait  to  marry 
for  love  if  I  chose.  But  icould  I  ever  find  the  ideal  affec- 
tion that  lighted  up  the  visions  of  my  brain? 

I  was  expatiating  on  the  richness  and  beauty  of  Laura's 
bracelets  the  next  morning,  as  we  three  ladies  lingered 
over  the  breakfast-table.  Going  to  the  library,  Philip  met 
me  with  a  question  in  his  eyes  that  made  me  smile. 

"Don't  be  vexed,"  he  began,  dcprecatingly ;  "I  heard 
part  of  your  story.  Do  you  know  who  gave  Laura  those 
emeralds  ?  " 


VrtYING   THE   WORLD.  83 

"  Yes,"  I  answered. 

"  Was  it  a  Mr.  Varick?" 

"  Why  do  you  think  so  ?  "  I  was  in  no  hurry  to  betray 
the  secret. 

"  I  saw  him  in  Ball  &  Black's  purchasing  just  such  a  set, 
and  he  left  an  order  for  them  to  be  marked  and  sent  to  his 
residence.  I  heard  he  had  taken  Laura  out  driving  several 
times." 

"  He  was  the  donor.  They  are  to  wear  at  his  sister's 
ball." 

"  A  man  like  Mr.  Varick  doesn't  go  so  far  unless  he  is  in 
earnest,  and  Mrs.  Hastings  is  too  much  a  woman  of  the 
world  to  let  such  an  opportunity  go  by  unimproved.  Poor 
Laura  will  be  relentlessly  sacrificed.  Why  do  you  smile?" 

"  I  was  thinking  that  Laura  might  feel  quite  comforta- 
ble about  it." 

"  She  cannot.  I  have  known  her  from  a  child.  Her 
training  has  not  been  of  the  highest  order,  but  she  is  capa- 
ble of  enjoying  a  better  life  than  that  will  be.  Why,  Mr. 
Varick  must  be  nearly  fifty,  pompous,  and,  I  was  going  to 
say,  soulless.  If  left  to  herself,  she  would  be  immeasurably 
above  such  traffic." 

She  had  succeeded  in  deceiving  Philip  as  to  her  real 
character.  Indeed,  what  was  real  about  her? 

"  I  fancy  she  will  be  comparatively  happy  as  Mrs.  Var- 
ick," I  said. 

"  Happy !  The  word  is  a  mockery  in  that  connection. 
I  could  forgive  a  girl  who  married  for  the  sake  of  saving 
her  family  from  want,  but  even  then  it  would  be  a  miser- 
able farce.  Laura  is  young,  and  has  not  the  shadow  of  an 
excuse.  Yet  I  can  see  how  her  mother  will  persuade,  and 
get  her  entangled  before  she  is  hardly  aware  of  it.  Does 
every  door  turn  only  with  a  golden  key  ?  " 

"  I  hope  not,"  I  said. 


84  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

« I  wonder  what  you  will  do!"  looking  past  me  rather 
than  at  me. 

"Believe  in  all  sorts  of  obsolete  goodness,  and  spend  my 
days  hunting  the  impossible." 

"It  is  not  impossible;  and  for  a  woman  to  lose  her  faith 
in  love  seems  monstrous.  Poor  Laura!  You  are  her 
friend;  why  do  you  not  try  to  incline  her  to  better 
things?" 

"I  am  afraid  I  should  make  a  poor  missionary." 

"They  are  best  who  hold  the  faith  firmly;"  and  he 
smiled. 

I  felt  it  would  be  dishonorable  to  portray  Laura  as  I 
knew  her,  and  was  silent.  She  spoke  the  truth  when  she 
said  it  was  as  well  to  affect  virtues  as  to  possess  them. 
How  few  people  could  penetrate  the  veil,  unless  brought 
into  most  intimate  contact!  And  I  believe,  in  her  way, 
Laura  was  happy. 

She  went  to  the  ball,  and  was  enthusiastic  over  Mrs. 
Thurston's  style  and  elegance.  Shortly  after  we  heard  a 
rumor  of  the  engagement,  which  Mrs.  Westervelt  contra- 
dicted out  of  pure  generosity,  and,  the  next  time  Laura 
called,  asked  her  what-  could  have  given  rise  to  such  an 
absurd  story. 

Laura  looked  up  with  charming  naivete,  and  declared 
the  report  true. 

"My  dear  child  —  to  throw  yourself  away  in  the  very 
bloom  of  youth  !"  and  Mrs.  "Westervelt's  face  expressed  all 
the  astonishment  and  disapproval  of  which  it  was  capable. 

"  I  am  aware  that  I  shall  be  misunderstood ; "  and  Laura 
made  her  voice  soft  and  touching,  while  her  eyes  drooped 
a  little,  a  trick  in  which  she  was  well  versed ;  "  but  Mr. 
Varick  has  proved  himself  a  kind  and  generous  man,  and 
not  incapable  of  winning  a  woman's  regard.  I  liked  him 
at  Newport,  and  since  then,  when  I  have  seen  him  in 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  85 

contrast  with  too  many  of  the  vapid  and  conceited  cox- 
combs that  frequent  society,  I  have  been  led  to  pay  him  a 
higher  respect  than  before.  I  rate  good  sterling  sense  and 
a  mature  mind  higher  than  a  mere  pl.-asing  exterior." 

"If  you  can  be  happy,"  Mrs.  Wcstervelt  said,  doubt- 
fully. 

"  I  think  I  shall,  and  not  only  that,  but  render  him  happy 
also.  That  will  be  my  highest  study; "and  she  blushed 
most  becomingly.  I  confess  I  felt  positively  indignant. 

"Didn't  I  go  through  with  it  capitally  ?"  she  whispered, 
in  the  hall.  "I  like  to  keep  in  Mamma  Westervelt's  good 
graces.  I  depend  upon  you  not  to  repeat  my  idle  gossip." 

"  It  was  shameful  1 "  I  said  ;  "  I  actually  blushed  for 
you." 

"  Your  virtue  is  altogether  too  violent.  You  must 
train  it  to  a  more  high-bred  elegance.  Mtmma  is  up  to 
the  seventh  heaven  of  bliss.  Mr.  Varick  proves  a  wanner 
lover  than  I  supposed,  mid  thinks  a  three-months  engage- 
ment long  enough.  So  I  suppose  I  must  resign  myself  to 
my  fate ;  but  I  mean  to  go  to  Europe  as  a  reward." 

I  brushed  her  kiss  off  of  my  lips  in  a  strange  heat  of 
passion.  It  was  seldom  that  she  offered  such  a  caress, 
and  I  knew  she  must  be  in  a  charmingly  complacent 
mood. 

That  evening  we  were  gathered  around  the  grate  —  for 
the  nights  had  grown  chilly.  There  being  no  visitors, 
Mrs.  Lawrence  had  yielded  to  a  headache,  and  gone  to 
her  own  room.  Mr.  St.  John  had  been  reading  from  a 
new  volume  of  poems,  but  presently  closed  his  book,  and 
we  fell  into  a  desultory  conversation. 

Mrs.  Westervelt  spoke  of  Laura.  My  friendship,  for  all 
it  was  but  a  name,  kept  me  silent.  Mr.  St.  John  made 
some  generous  excuses  for  her  in  her  training  and  home 
influence. 


86  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

"What  a  pity,"  Philip  said,  sadly,  "  that  marriage,  the 
noblest  and  sweetest  boon  to  humanity,  should  be  per- 
verted to  unhallowed  uses  —  degraded  into  mere  barter 
for  station  and  wealth.  It  gives  faith  a  cruel  wound.  How 
can  one  make  advances  in  the  higher  principles  of  life 
when  the  heart  is  fed  upon  husks?" 

"Yet  how  little  of  the  better  aliment  we  find!  Mar- 
riages are  rare  where  hearts  are  united  for  a  lifetime," 
Mr.  St.  John  returned. 

"If  united  at  all,  it  must  be  for  a  lifetime." 

"  I  don't  know ; "  and  his  voice  fell  a  trifle,  while  a  shady 
look  came  into  his  eyes.  "  I  have  seen  love  last  for  years, 
and  then  perish  miserably." 

"  It  was  not  love.  St.  John,  your  faith  is  perfect  every- 
where except  upon  this  point.  I  wish  you  knew.  Love 
comes  with  truth  in  her  heart,  and  constancy  in  every 
pulse,  to  sit  down  an  everlasting  guest  in  the  hearts  of 
those  who  truly  welcome  her.  If  there  are  sorrows  and 
storms,  she  spreads  her  wings  for  an  ark  of  shelter ;  if  toil 
and  care,  she  lightens  it  with  her  blessed  smile.  No  room 
for  regrets  or  jealousies,  for  both  are  true  in  deed  and 
thought ;  no  coldness,  for  she  stands  between  them  and 
the  frosts  of  time.  Year  by  year  they  grow  into  perfect 
accord,  bringing  heaven  nearer  with  every  dawn.  Can 
such  love  ever  fail?" 

"  You  are  right.  This  is  love  in  its  highest  purity.  God 
help  us  all  to  find  it." 

Philip  sighed  softly,  and  we  all  lapsed  into  silence.  In 
the  shade  stealing  over  his  face  there  was  something  that 
made  one  sad  to  see  —  a  hope  missed,  or,  perhaps,  dropped 
out  of  life.  It  startled  me  for  a  moment. 

And  then  I  wondered  if  I  should  ever  find  such  a  star 
to  light  me  on  my  way.  Existence  would  be  bare  and 
bleak  without  it.  I  was  capable  of  loving  with  passionate 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  87 

intensity ;  and  yet,  standing  here  upon  the  shore,  I 
trembled  with  nameless  apprehension.  What  if  I  should 
wreck  this  precious  bark?  There  were  so  many  ingulfing 
tides  and  quicksands.  I  longed  to  dare  its  mystery,  and 
yet  shrank  from  that  fateful  time. 

Our  stay  had  been  prolonged  on  account  of  the  opera, 
which  had  been  unusually  fine.  It  was  mid-October  be- 
fore a  day  for  our  return  was  appointed. 

I  had  grown  warmly  attached  to  the  Westervelts.  Be- 
tween Philip  and  myself  there  existed  a  warm  regard,  too 
generous  for  love,  and  yet  singularly  comprehensive.  I 
had  a  faint  misgiving  that  his  mother  expected  it  to  ripen 
into  the  rare  bloom  of  that  passion ;  and  Mrs.  Lawrence 
smiled  an  unqualified  approval. 

I  had  a  fancy,  too,  that  another  watched.  Was  it  for 
his  sake?  That  thought  annoyed  me.  Did  Mr.  St.  John 
fancy  that  I  should  take  pleasure  in  idly  coquetting  with 
such  a  heart,  or  did  he  believe  me  not  worthy  of  so  high  a 
regard  ? 

I  had  been  lingering  in  the  library  a  long  while  with 
Philip  one  afternoon,  and  fallen  into  a  pleasant  reverie, 
when  a  light  step  brought  me  back  to  reality  ;  or,  rather, 
the  peculiar  presence  which  I  felt  with  a  vivid  presenti- 
ment. I  turned,  and  our  eyes  met.  Mr.  St.  John  crossed 
the  room,  and  stood  beside  me. 

"  Well?"  I  said,  at  length,  wishing  to  break  the  power- 
ful spell. 

"  Would  one  dare  to  be  friends  with  you  ?  "  It  was  ut- 
tered in  a  low  tone,  and  did  impress  me  singularly. 

"Mr.  Westervelt  doesn't  find  it  a  difficult  matter,"  I 
answered,  coldly. 

"  It  is  about  that ;  and  if  I  take  a  friend's  privilege, 
pardon  me.  You  are  young,  and  have  turned  but  few 
pages  in  the  book  of  experience :  I  have  read  it  to  its 


88  SYDNIE   ADRTANCE,   OR 

bitter  end.  Am  I  not  right  in  thinking  you  would  avoid 
giving  pain  to  one  who  is  susceptible  to  deepest  anguish 
as  well  as  dearest  joy  ?" 

His  voice  was  grave,  but  gentle  in  its  inflection,  as  if 
somewhere  in  the  daikness  a  chord  of  music  had  been 
touched,  and  sent  back  a  responsive  thrill. 

I  made  no  answer  with  my  lips,  but  I  think  he  saw  as- 
sent in  my  eyes* 

"  Philip  is  affectionate,  confiding,  essentially  truthful.  Is 
it  quite  right  to  encourage  a  love  that  you  do  not,  cannot 
return  ?  " 

"Why  can  I  not?"  I  said,  almost  defiantly,  yet  scarcely- 
above  a  whisper. 

"Because  your  soul  was  cast  in  a  different  mould." 

"You  do  not  understand.  I  have  given  no  encourage- 
ment of  the  kind  you  mean." 

"  Not  intentionally.  I  acquit  you  of  that.  But  a  ship 
m:iy  be  lost  by  following  a  stray  light  from  some  distant 
hill.  Child,  it  is  saving  you  as  Well.  Tell  me  that  I  may 
trust  you." 

His  hand  touched  mine:  the  strength  and  power  mag- 
netized me  into  a  yielding  mood.  It  was  like  being  borne 
along  by  some  swift  current. 

"  You  may  trust  me." 

I  said  it  almost  without  any  volition  of  my  own.  The 
eyes,  dusky  with  a  luminous  light,  transfixed  mine,  reading 
my  inmost  soul,  an  unwritten  page  as  yet.  Then  our  lips 
met  just  an  instant.  If  he  had  willed,  he  could  have  car- 
ried every  pulse  captive.  What  hidden  cause  restrained 
him  ? 

I  knew  then  that  I  could  not  love  Philip  Westervelt  with 
the  strength  and  passion  of  my  slowly  dawning  nature. 
He  was  manly  to  the  heart's  core,  tender,  susceptible,  and 
the  woman  of  his  choice  would  be  twice  blest  —  when  she 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  89 

gave  and  when  she  received.  But  this  chalice  was  not  for 
me ;  it  would  be  held  to  some  other  lips.  My  draught 
might  be  perilously  sweet,  yet  there  would  be  in  it  a  flavor 
keen  almost  to  bitterness. 

I  sat  there  in  silence  long  after  he  left  me,  trembling 
•\vitli  strange  anticipations.  I  fancied  my  life  was  not  to 
be  as  other  lives,  but  filled  with  extremes,  as  it  had  been 
in  childhood.  I  felt  like  one  who  has  been  long  in  dark- 
ness, and  whose  pulses  flutter  at  the  first  tremulous  ray  of 
light.  I  would  go  whithersoever  it  led. 


90  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  Ott 


CHAPTER  VII. 

"  I  do  believe, 

Though  T  have  found  them  not,  that  there  may  be 
Words  which  are  things,  hopes  which  will  not  deceive.-" 

CHILDE  HAROLD. 

I  AM  delighted  to  be  at  Laurelwood  again. 

In  the  ripened  flushes  of  gold  and  crimson  the  season 
seems  to  gather  up  its  trailing  garments,  and  sweep  impe- 
riously through  fields  of  mellow  sunshine,  groves  of  flow- 
ers, and  clustering  trees,  leaving  the  maple  scarlet  and 
glowing  with  the  warm  embrace,  and  lighting  the  whole 
landscape  with  tawny  flames.  I  thrill  at  the  splendor,  and 
long  to  hold  the  days  in  some  giant  clasp,  that  they  fly 
not  too  rapidly.  Long,  inspiriting  rides  bring  a  flush  to 
my  cheek,  and  sometimes  I  can  almost  feel  the  fire  that  I 
know  must  flash  from  my  eyes. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  left  me  alone  with  nature  while  she  pre- 
pared the  house  for  a  ball,  that  I  might  not  lack  in-door 
entertainment.  I  thought  there  was  nothing  to  improve, 
but  she  did  find  some  alterations  to  make.  She  has  a  re- 
markable eye,  certainly.  I  don't  wonder  that  Mr.  St.  John 
admires  her:  she  is  so  quiet  and  elegant  in  all  she  docs. 
I  believe  she  could  have  everything  taken  out  of  the 
drawing-room  and  replaced,  without  a  person  suspecting 
it  from  any  noise  or  bustle. 

The  house  was  a  marvel  on  the  night  of  the  ball.  The 
spacious  hall,  with  its  marble  floor  polished  anew,  every 
niche  surprising  you  with  a  tall  vase  of  flowers,  or  some 
dainty  statue  gracefully  posed  ;  the  wide  stairs,  with  their 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  91 

soft  carpet,  a  mass  of  delicate  climbing  vines,  and  moss 
that  seemed  to  have  been  just  gathered  from  rank,  sliaily 
woods,  yet  dripping  with  moisture.  The  lights  were  soft- 
ened, in  order  to  give  it  a  dreamy,  suggestive  look,  rather 
than  a  brilliant  glare. 

If  possible,  the  drawing-room  was  still  more  magnificent. 
At  any  time  it  was  a  storehouse  of  rare  treasures,  so  ex- 
quisitely arranged  that  it  never  seemed  crowded,  and  yet 
lured  you  on  and  on  with  a  sense  of  undiscovered  beauty. 
On  the  opposite  side  of  the  hall  the  library  displayed  its 
choice  stores,  and  the  gilded  organ  pipes  made  bright  one 
shadowy  corner.  A  large  reception  room  for  ordinary  pur- 
poses had  been  turned  into  a  cosy  nook  by  bringing  out 
some  curious  little  stands,  exquisitely  carved  or  inlaid, 
until  they  looked  like  pure  mother-of-pearl.  A  vase  of 
flow-el's,  a  book  of  engravings,  or  some  odd  foreign  toy 
won  you  to  look,  and  then  a  luxurious  chair  wooed  you 
to  stay. 

Mr.  St.  John  asked  me  to  go  through  the  rooms  before 
the  revel  began,  never  checking  my  enthusiasm  in  its 
wildest  flights.  I  think  he  has  been  more  friendly  of  late; 
some  of  his  moods  absolutely  startle  me,  for  I  feel  as  if  I 
were  drifting  down  pome  weird,  entrancing  shore,  and 
long  to  reach  out  my  hand  to  cling  to  solid  rock  or  tree. 
I  am  afraid  of  him,  and  yet  I  never  appear  to  have  the 
power  to  rescue  myself.  I  am  not  sure  but  I  like  that 
bright,  generous  gei.iulity  best ;  it  has  less  power  in  it,  and 
does  not  give  one  the  sense  of  hurrying  on  breathlessly  — 
whither? 

All  the  neighboring  gentry  had  been  invited,  and  some 
guests  from  a  distance.  By  dusk  there  was  a  trooping 
through  the  halls,  and  a  low,  pleasant  confusion  of  voices. 
I  obeyed  Mrs.  Lawrence's  injunctions,  and  kept  to  my 
room.  Thirza,  it  seemed,  would  never  have  done  with  me. 


92  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

I  had  grown  quite  used  to  her  pleasant  service;  but  now 
she  dallied  unconscionably. 

A  servant  came  up  from  Mr.  St.  John.  He  had  sent  me 
a  few  Cromatilla  rose-buds  and  lemon-blossoms  to  wear, 
and  I  thanked  him  from  the  depth  of  my  heart  for  his 
interest. 

At  last  I  was  dressed.  Mrs.  Lawrence  pronounced  me 
perfect.  I  hardly  knew  myself,  I  was  such  a  marvel  of 
tulle  and  wraith-like  blond  lace,  that  must  have  been  woven 
in  Arachne's  loom,  and  still  seemed  glittering  with  dew- 
drops. 

"  This  outshines  Newport,"  I  said,  with  a  gay  laugh. 

The  rooms  were  filling  rapidly  when  Mr.  St.  John  es- 
corted me  down.  Two  or  three  familiar  voices  restored 
my  mental  equilibrium,  but  it  seemed  to  me  a  perfect 
chaos  of  silk  and  satin  and  jewels,  with  waves  of  lace, 
and  shimmer  of  curls  like  sunshine.  The  band  was  sta- 
tioned in  the  hall,  and  was  giving  some  low,  suggestive 
airs,  that  made  the  scene  appear  more  than  ever  like  en- 
chantment. 

Mr.  Graham  came  to  claim  me  for  the  first  quadrille.  I 
felt  quite  at  home  with  him,  and  he  was  delighted  with  the 
favor. 

"  What  has  happened  to  you  ?  "  he  asked,  in  the  earliest 
pause.  "You  have  blossomed  like  some  magnificent  trop- 
ical plant.  I  could  hardly  have  believed  my  sight  at  the 
first  glance." 

I  had  grown  accustomed  to  admiration,  and  only  smiled. 

"  What  a  day  that  was  in  the  summer !  I  wonder  if  you 
remember  it?" 

"  I  have  a  pretty  good  memory,"  I  said. 

"  I  thought  of  you  at  Newport,  and  was  tempted  to 
make  a  flying  visit.  Only  it  wouldn't  have  been  half  the 
pleasure  to  you  that  it  would  have  proved  to  me." 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  93 

It  was  our  turn  now,  and  I  was  glad.  But  if  his  lips 
•were  silent,  his  eyes  still  spoke.  I  couldn't  help  thinking 
nbout  his  engagement  with  a  sort  of  dim  misgiving.  Had 
I  been  unwise  that  summer  day?  Mr.  St.  John  had  lec- 
tured me  about  it  crossly  enough,  bait  then  my  conscience 
had  acquitted  me. 

"  I  will  be  very  careful,"  I  said  to  myself,  as  a  crash  of 
music  announced  the  quadrille  ended. 

"Have  you  been  introduced  to  father?"  Mr.  Graham 
asked,  instead  of  seating  me.  "  They  were  quite  late  in 
coming  down.  I  believe  mother  thought  she  must  make 
herself  especially  grand  in  order  to  do  honor  to  Miss  Adri- 
ance." 

"  Then  I  must  reward  her,"  I  said,  smilingly,  and  we 
took  our  way  through  the  crowd. 

General  Graham,  stout,  rosy,  and  undeniably  Scotch 
without  his  strong  accent,  pleased  me  at  once.  Mrs. 
Graham,  fair,  round,  and  motherly,  with  a  sweet  face  and 
silvery  voice,  and  beside  them  a  petite  fairy,  with  soft 
brown  curls,  and  eyes  like  the  starry  flax  flower. 

"My  cousin  —  Miss  Keith,"  Hugh  Graham  said. 

I  ventured  another  look.  It  seemed  to  me  as  if  I  must 
have  seen  her  somewhere  before  —  one  of  those  dim  im- 
pressions that  affect  the  brain  so  singularly. 

Mr.  St.  John  came  in  sight.  u  I  believe  there  is  an  in- 
quiry for  you  in  the  hall,"  he  remarked. 

"  I'm  to  have  another  quadrille,"  Mr.  Graham  said,  in  a 
whisper. 

Miss  Keith  was  dancing  opposite  this  time.  What  a 
tender,  loving  little  face!  what  entreating  eyes!  I  won- 
dered if  she  was  fond  of  her  cousin.  Somehow,  it  wasn't 
a  marriage  at  all  to  my  fancy.  Were  people  continually 
misplaced  ? 

There  was  not  much  time  for  speculation,  however.    The 


94  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

gay  scene  was  delightful,  and  appealed  to  every  sense.  I 
danced,  chatted,  and  promenaded  the  rooms  and  hall,  lis- 
tened to  flatteries  that  were  delicate,  and  some  that  were 
distasteful ;  and  as  a  ball,  I  fancy  it  was  a  brilliant  success. 
People  strayed  away  in  little  groups,  and  lingered  in  shady 
corners,  laughed  and  talked,  looked  at  the  pictures,  and 
examined  the  curious  articles  of  foreign  virtu  in  that  in- 
formal manner,  as  if  they  felt  entirely  at  ease.  The  supper 
passed  off  delightfully.  I  had  never  seen  anything  so 
beautiful  as  the  table.  The  china,  brilliant  and  thin, 
glasses  ground  and  cut  until  they  caught  the  light  at 
every  point,  an  epergne  of  frosted  silver,  in  which  flowers 
and  fruit  were  one  tangled  mass  of  color  and  beauty,  and 
two  vases  of  malachite,  festooned  around  the  edges  with 
hanging  clusters  of  luscious  purple  grapes,  forming  a  glows 
ing  contrast.  I  absolutely  wondered  how  any  one  could 
eat  in  that  dazzle  of  loveliness. 

It  had  not  palled  upon  me  when  it  ended.  Indeed,  I 
had  been  in  unusual  spirits  all  the  evening.  The  gayety 
seemed  less  frivolous  here,  where  there  was  no  gossip  of 
lovers  and  good  marriages.  At  least,  if  there  was  I  did 
not  hear  it. 

The  Grahams  were  among  those  who  remained  all  night; 
and  we  had  a  cosy  breakfast  late  the  next  morning,  with 
the  dining-room  quite  in  its  usual  trim,  and  no  faded  frag- 
ments of  our  night's  dissipation  visible.  I  found  Miss 
Keith  very  shy,  but  with  an  odd  charm,  I  might  say  quaint- 
ness,  that  gave  me  a  desire  to  know  more  about  her. 

General  Graham  gave  us  a  most  cordial  invitation  to 
visit  Mont  Argyle,  his  residence,  some  distance  from 
Laurel  wood.  A  kind,  courtly  old  gentleman,  that  I  confess 
I  admired  exceedingly.  Hugh  seconded  his  father,  with 
an  entreating  glance. 

"  I  wish  you  would  come  real  soon,  Miss  Adriance,"  Miss 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  95 

Keith  saul,  shyly  raising  her  eyes  from  the  glimmer  of  their 
long  lashes.  "We  are  quiet  people,  and  cannot  promise 
you  so  much  magnificence,  but  out  of  doors  the  country 
around  us  is  grand.  There  are  some  splendid  rides." 

"And  of  course  you  ride,  Miss  Adriance,"  Hugh  ex- 
claimed. "  It  is  one  of  my  passions.  We  have  some  mag- 
nificent horses,  at  any  rate;"  and  he  laughed. 

Miss  Keith  evidently  was  not  given  to  jealousy.  I  ex- 
perienced a  strong  inclination  to  take  her  in  my  arms  and 
kiss  the  sweet  face;  but  I  was  a  little  afraid  of  Mr.  St. 
John's  distant  eyes,  and  so  behaved  discreetly. 

After  that  episode,  or  rather  plunge,  into  society,  I 
floated  upon  the  topmost  wave.  I  am  ashamed  to  chron- 
icle the  little  progress  I  made  in  more  solid  matters.  I 
found  no  time  for  study,  very  little  for  reading,  and  the 
jm'ivst  point  for  reflection,  though  so  much  gayety  does 
not  tend  to  sharpen  one's  faculties,  unless  it  may  be  in  the 
matter  of  dress.  The  lazy  languor  of  mornings  abed, 
•when  the  brain  still  lingers  in  cloudy  dreamland,  even- 
ings filled  with  music,  conversation,  and  the  pleasant  noth- 
ings that  pass  between  well-brad  and  genial  people.  One 
thing  gave  me  a  secret  little  pain  ;  I  am  almost  ashamed 
to  confess  it;  but  Mr.  St.  John  and  I  drifted  apart;  I 
seemed  to  lose  the  little  hold  I  had  once  gained.  We  did 
not  quarrel ;  indeed,  he  was  considerate  and  polite,  solicit- 
ous for  my  enjoyments,  and  left  me  at  the  fullest  liberty ; 
as  if  he  did  not  seem  to  care,  or  thought  my  pleasures 
quite  too  frivolous  for  him. 

I  believe  Mrs.  Lawrence  took  unbounded  satisfaction  in 
my  dawning  career.  The  house  was  thronged  with  vis- 
itors, and  we  were  besieged  by  invitations.  I  did  try  to 
hold  myself  aloof  from  more  meaning  attentions,  for  the 
triumph  in  such  cases  would  not  pay  me  for  the  pain,  I 
well  knew. 


96  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

We  met  Hugh  Graham  frequently,  sometimes  with  his 
cousin,  oftener  without.  I  had  a  consciousness  that  he 
took  especial  pleasure  in  these  encounters.  To  dance 
with  me,  take  me  to  supper,  or  any  attention  where  he 
could  clasp  my  fingers  for  a  moment,  was  a  delight  which 
he  did  not  care  to  conceal.  It  made  me  nervous,  for  I 
knew  he  had  no  right  thus  to  display  fondness  for  another 
woman,  and  I  feared  it  was  but  working  unhappiness  for 
himself.  He  could  never  awaken  within  me  the  friendship 
that  had  been  given  to  Philip  so  spontaneously,  and  no 
warmer  sentiment  would  ever  have  been  possible.  There 
were  many  pleasant  traits  in  his  character,  but  it  possessed 
no  vital  attraction  for  me.  I  was  learning  to  make  some 
fine  distinctions. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  saw  no  danger.  Perhaps  she  had  too 
much  faith  in  her  own  creed  to  believe  heresy  possible. 
One  morning  when  we  were  alone,  I  said,  — 

"  When  does  Mr.  Graham  expect  to  marry  his  cousin  ?" 

"  O,  I  suppose  there's  no  hurry.  Although  she  is  past 
twenty-one,  she  still  looks  a  very  child,  and  he  seems  fond 
of  his  liberty.  As  they  have  always  known  each  other, 
there  is  no  extravagant  romance  about  the  engagement." 

"I  wonder  if  they  love  each  other!" 

"As  much  as  is  necessary,  I  suppose;  "and  the  placid 
eyes  just  lifted  themselves  from  a  dainty  bit  of  crochet- 
ing. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  Lawrence,  how  much  is  necessary  ?  "  I 
said,  with  some  impatience. 

"  Not  as  much  as  you  think.  They  are  very  well  matched 
indeed,  and  having  been  brought  up  together,  their  re- 
gard is  a  matter  of  gradual  growth.  She  will  make  a  quiet 
little  wife,  and  never  annoy  him  by  any  foolish  officious- 
oess.  He  will  keep  up  his  house  in  the  style  of  his  father, 
and  lead  a  happy,  easy,  social  life." 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  97 

"  But  there  seems  no  heart  in  it,"  I  said,  warmly.  "  I 
should  like  him  better  if  he  evinced  a  decided  preference 
for  her.  She  is  a  pretty,  dainty  little  thing,  and  a  man 
might  well  be  proud  of  her." 

"  It  is  questionable  taste  to  display  much  fondness  in 
society." 

"  He  need  not  be  silly  about  it.  But  I  have  seen  hia 
eyes  light  up  and  his  whole  face  in  a  glow  at  some  other 
woman's  coming,"  and  then  I  paused,  half  frightened,  for  I 
seemed  upon  the  verge  of  an  unwise  confession. 

"  Most  young  men  are  somewhat  given  to  flirting,"  she 
said,  with  superb  indifference.  "  In  a  case  like  this  it 
does  no  harm,  for  their  engagement  is  settled,  and  I  think 
Mr.  Graham  has  too  much  sense  to  give  up  his  cousin  and 
her  fortune  for  any  foolish  passion.  A  man  is  expected  to 
make  himself  agreeable  in  society,  before  he  is  married,  at 
least." 

"  It  would  never  do  for  me,"  I  said,  with  a  rising  flush. 
"  If  a  man  loved  me  at  all,  I  should  want  his  entire  regard. 
I  shouldn't  like  to  see  him  radiant  for  another,  and  coldly 
polite  to  me." 

"  That  spirit  is  wonderfully  becoming  to  your  style,"  she 
returned,  glancing  at  me,  for  she  could  stop  anywhere  to 
announce  some  grace,  or  special  defect  that  she'wanted 
remedied,  just  as  Siebenka's  wife  could  count  the  striking 
of  the  clock  between  her  husband's  kisses.  "  Only  I  should 
advise  you  not  to  try  it  too  often  with  a  husband.  Women 
rarely  gain  a  point  by  making  a  desperate  assault,  while  a 
little  skilful  managing  works  wonders." 

"  I  detest  managing,"  I  exclaimed.  "  I  should  be  per- 
fectly satisfied  to  take  the  truth  from  any  one  else,  and  I 
must  tell  it." 

"  Experience  will  teach  you  many  things,"  she  said, "  and 
soften  your  asperities." 
7 


98  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

Those  remarks  always  vexed  me.  Did  every  one  inva- 
riably reach  the  same  commonplace  level  in  feeling?  So 
I  took  refuge  in  silence,  lest  I  should  prove  unamiable. 

Among  the  Christmas  invitations  was  one  to  Mont  Ar- 
gyle.  It  was  made  doubly  tempting  to  Mrs.  Lawrence 
from  the  fact  that  some  distinguished  guests  had  been 
asked  to  meet  her,  and,  as  it  were,  placed  it  out  of  her 
power  to  refuse.  Hugh  rode  over  with  the  note,  and  was 
to  spend  the  night. 

"  I  wish  we  were  not  going,"  I  said  to  Mr.  St.  John. 

MSo  your  enthusiastic  penchant  for  Miss  Keith  has 
ended?  About  the  duration  of  a  woman's  fancy,"  and  he 
gave  that  light,  irritating  laugh. 

"  I  like  and  admire  Miss  Keith  exceedingly." 

"  But  the  whim  has  taken  you !  I  doubt  if  my  sister 
will  consent  to  your  staying  home  alone." 

I  wonder,  if  I  had  said  my  say,  woman  fashion,  whether 
it  would  have  made  any  difference  !  My  delicacy  did  shrink 
from  parading  this  man's  regard  before  other  eyes.  It 
seemed  like  an  insult  to  offer  such  attentions  to  me. 

And  yet  that  evening  I  found  Hugh  very  gentlemanly 
and  deferential.  Had  I  misjudged  him? 

As  we  were  to  remain  several  days,  Thirza  had  to  look 
over  the  finery,  and  pack  a  trunk  full.  Just  before  wo 
started,  a  letter  came  from  Laura  Hastings,  enclosing  wed- 
ding cards.  The  missive  was  eminently  characteristic. 

"  You  sec,"  she  wrote,  "that,  in  spite  of  your  sage  coun- 
sel and  advice,  I  am  about  to  take  the  fatal  step.  The 
brown-stone  mansion  on  Fifth  Avenue,  and  the  prospect 
of  queening  it  royally,  have  proved  too  much  for  me.  I 
am  about  to  commit  the  unpardonable  sin  of  marrying  a 
man  old  enough  to  be  my  father,  and  trust  to  my  wisdom 
to  make  a  most  amiable  husband  of  him.  He  adores  me 
(my  dear,  old  men  are  always  foolish),  and  I  have  per- 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  99 

euaded  him  to  take  me  to  Europe.  He  is  indulgent  'and 
not  given  to  jealousy^  and  I  fancy  we  shall  be  as  happy 
as  most  people.  Think  of  me  in  diamonds  and  point  lace, 
and  confess  your  love  in  a  cottage  looks  shabby  by  com- 
parison." 

Laura's  destiny  was  settled,  then.  Mrs.  Lawrence  con- 
sidered her  prospects  very  brilliant.  "Was  the  whole  world 
given  to  the  worship  of  Mammon  ? 

There  had  been  a  heavy  fall  of  snow,  and  our  journey 
to  Mont  Argyle  was  very  delightful  to  me ;  perhaps  the 
more  so  because  Mr.  St.  John  was  so  bright  and  compan- 
ionable. When  we  came  in  sight  of  the  place  it  looked 
picturesque  in  the  extreme.  Doubtless  great  offences  had 
been  committed  against  the  rules  of  architecture,  but  with 
all  the  points  and  angles  hooded  in  snow  it  was  a  verita- 
ble fairy  palace.  Great  evergreens  were  draped  in  ermine, 
clustering  vines  made  sparkling  snow  wreaths,  tipped  with 
whitest  blossoms.  It  was  quite  a  luxury,  and  the  country 
people  were  making  the  most  of  it. 

As  to  interior,  Mont  Argyle  looked  most  inviting.  Cosy 
rooms,  warm  and  light,  deep  windows,  little  nooks  and  cor- 
ners, and  a  fragrant  perfume  from  the  Christmas  decora- 
tions, the  spicy  odor  brought  out  by  contact  with  the  heat, 
clusters  of  bright  berries  interspersed,  and  vases  of  cut 
flowers,  giving  a  kind  of  summery  suggestion. 

I  felt  quite  well  acquainted  with  Miss  Keith,  from  our 
frequent  meetings,  and  yet  I  hesitated  a  little  in  making 
advances. 

"lam  so  glad  to  have  you  here,"  she  said,  as  I  came 
down  stairs.  I  always  made  my  toilet  operations  brief 
when  left  to  myself;  and  I  w;:s  anxious  to  gain  a  few  mo- 
ments before  dinner. 

"Arc  you,  really?"  and  I  glanced  at  her  pure,  sweet 
face. 


100  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

"Yes;  I  have  been  counting  upon  a  visit  for  so  long  — 
since  that  night  of  the  ball.  What  a  lovely  time  it  was ! 
And  Laurehvood  is  so  perfect  in  itself!  I  don't  blame  you 
for  wanting  to  stay  there.  And  then  such  hosts  of  en- 
gagements as  you  must  have!" 

"  I  do  live  in  a  whirl,"  I  said,  laughingly. 

"  But  it  must  be  very  charming  to  have  people  like  you 
so  well ;  though  I  don't  know  how  one  could  help  paying 
you  homage." 

"  So  you  think  the  royal  road  to  my  heart  is  flattery?" 

"  No ;  and  that  isn't  flattery,  either.  But  if  I  could  find 
the  royal  road  —  " 

"  Well,  what  would  you  do  ?  " 

"  Besiege  the  castle." 

Her  frank  eyes  touched  me  with  their  pleading  light. 

"  It  capitulates ; "  and  I  stooped  to  give  her  the  kiss  I 
had  held  in  my  heart  for  her  a  long  while. 

Hugh  sauntered  up  to  us,  and  began  to  talk  to  me.  I 
watched  them  both  narrowly.  They  certainly  were  not  in 
love  with  each  other.  If  there  had  ever  been  any  flame 
of  passion,  it  had  burned  itself  out. 

Dinner  was  announced,  and  from  that  till  bed-time  I 
hardly  said  ten  words  to  Miss  Keith  ;  for  at  the  table  the 
conversation  was  general,  and  led  by  General  Graham,  who 
proved  an  admirable  host.  Afterwards  I  sang  a  little,  and 
woke  an  admiring  chord  in  the  general's  heart.  He  had 
volumes  of  old  ballads,  and  kept  making  selections  so 
continually,  that  his  niece  interfered. 

"  I  am  afraid  we  shall  tire  Miss  Adrian ce,"  she  said, 
gently. 

"  O,  no,"  I  replied  ;  "  music  is  one  of  my  luxuries,  and  I 
like  to  make  it  afford  pleasure  to  others." 

"Your  singing  is  a  part  of  yourself,"  Hugh  whispered  ; 
"  it  is  connected  with  my  first  sweet  memories  of  you." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  101 

I  would  not  even  raise  ray  eyes  to  his,  but  an  uncom- 
fortable flush  crept  over  my  face. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  and  Mrs.  Graham  settled  to  a  harmless, 
high-bred  gossip  about  laces,  and  jewels,  and  silks.  Mr. 
St.  John  looked  over  a  book  of  Italian  engravings  with 
Miss  Keith  —  Ellen  her  name  was.  Their  conversation 
had  a  look  of  animation,  for  her  eyes  brightened,  and  a 
faint  peach-blossom  tint  fluttered  over  her  face.  Now  and 
then  a  murmur  of  his  voice  floated  to  me  in  soft  delicious- 
ness  that  stirred  me  strangely.  He  did  admire  her. 

Hugh  Graham  and  his  father  were  stationed  one  upon 
each  side  of  me,  and  I  studiously  averted  the  glances  that 
annoyed  me.  Would  no  one  see  ?  Were  they  all  blind  ? 
Or  was  this  harmless  flirting? 

"  There,"  General  Graham  said,  at  length,  "  you  have 
given  me  a  rare  treat,  and  I  will  not  be  unreasonable.  Few 
young  ladies  would  entertain  an  old  man  so  pleasantly. 
Ellen  often  sings  to  me ;  but  she  is  our  own." 

He  uttered  the  last  two  words  with  a  lingering  fond- 
ness. 

"  You  are  to  come  to  me  for  music  while  I  stay,  since 
you  can  compliment  so  prettily,"  I  returned,  with  a  smile ; 
and  then  I  ensconced  myself  beside  Mrs.  Lawrence,  keep- 
ing Hugh  at  bay.  We  retired  quite  early,  in  view  of  the 
next  night's  dissipation. 

The  Christmas  dinner  at  Mont  Argyle  was  different  from 
most  of  the  festivities  I  had  shared  ;  a  select  but  really 
delightful  party,  with  some  old  Scotch  traits  and  prefer- 
ences; an  evening  of  dancing  and  other  entertainments, 
and  a  veritable  mistletoe  bough,  under  which  there  was  no 
little  amusement. 

I  had  been  waltzing  with  Hugh  —  perhaps  a  not  very 
prudent  movement,  when  I  had  been  rather  curt  and  cold 
all  day  ;  but  it  was  one  of  those  events  which  seemed 


102  SYDNIE  ADBIANCE,   OR 

quite  out  of  my  power  to  prevent.  Being  warm  and  tired, 
I  declared  that  I  should  dance  no  more,  and  drew  my  hand 
away,  with  a  petulant  gesture. 

A  moment  before  I  had  seen  Ellen  enter  the  conserva- 
tory, and,  as  some  one  called  Hugh,  I  followed  thither. 

She  was  not  there ;  but  I  sat  down  on  a  low  bench  and 
glanced  out  of  the  window  at  the  moonlight  —  frosty,  it 
appeared,  as  the  snow.  How  strangely  cold  and  still  all 
that  great  world  looked  in  its  garb  of  ermine. 

There  was  a  step  beside  me,  and  a  form  bent  over,  clasp- 
ing me  with  unmistakable  fervor. 

"My  darling!  my  darling  !  "  was  breathed  through  pas- 
sionate lips. 

I  tried  to  raise  myself,  but  the  branches  caught  my 
dress. 

"  You  must  hear  me  now.  All  day  you  have  shunned 
me  and  treated  me  coldly,  because  you  knew  —  " 

"Hush,  Mr.  Graham,"  I  said,  at  last,  confronting  him  in 
the  shady  light  made  by  the  branches;  "  you  have  no  right 
to  say  such  words  to  me." 

"  I  have  the  right  of  a  man  who  has  just  learned  what 
love  is;  who  snaps  the  green  withes  that  bound  him,  and 
dares  to  think  for  himself.  And  I  believe  you  do  care.  I 
have  seen  the  color  come  and  go  in  your  face.  You  have 
kept  outwardly  tranquil  because  you  were  proud  and  hon- 
orable ;  but  that  is  no  longer  necessary.  I  shall  not  hes- 
itate to  acknowledge  my  mistake  —  mistake  indeed!  I 
never  knew  what  love  was  until  I  met  you  last  summer  j 
and  Heaven  can  bear  me  witness  that  I  have  been  true  to 
that  one  thought." 

All  this  had  been  uttered  in  a  rapid  breath  —  a  resistless 
torrent  that  I  could  not  check. 

"Mr.  Graham,"  I  said,  coldly,  "your  truth  and  honor  a» 
due  to  another  woman." 


TRYING  THE  WOULD.  103 

*She  shall  no  longer  stand  between.  I  will  tell  her  this 
very  hour.  If  I  have  been  weak  in  waiting  — " 

"You  were  weakest  when  you  loved  me.  Listen  while 
I  say  that  I  do  not,  cannot  love  you." 

"  Because  you  think  of  my  cousin,  and  the  bond  between, 
I  did  not  know,  when  I  drifted  into  that  compact,  that 
the  world  held  such  a  glorious  woman  ;  that  I  should  see 
lier,  hear  her  speak,  clasp  her  soft  fingers  in  such  a  tender 
touch." 

"  This  is  a  wild,  unreasoning  passion.  It  humbles  me 
to  be  made  the  recipient  of  it.  Let  me  go,  Mr.  Graham ! " 

"No;  you  shall  not  leave  me  until  you  have  said  one 
little  word  —  that  I  am  dear  to  you.  I  can  wait  for  love, 
1  can  earn  forgiveness  by  devotion.'* 

If  I  had  loved  him,  I  must  have  yielded  to  that  im- 
ploring face.  But  instead  of  a  simple  liking,  I  began  to 
experience  an  aversion. 

"Shall  I  call  for  assistance?  A  guest  in  your  own 
bouse ! " 

My  tones  were  haughty,  and  I  believe  my  eyes  literally 
flashed  fire. 

"  My  dnrling,  you  are  cruel ; "  and  he  stood  apart,  with 
folded  arms. 

I  passed  out,  meeting  Ellen  in  the  hall. 

"  What  is  the  matter?  "  she  asked.  "  Your  face  is  in  a 
glow,  and  your  hands  are  like  ice.  Where  have  you 
been?" 

Before  I  could  answer,  some  one  joined  us.  I  was  glad 
to  see  a  movement  among  the  guests  fbr  departure.  We 
returned  to  the  drawing-room,  where  General  Graham  was 
wishing  a  party  good  night.  Mr.  St.  John  stood  by  the 
mantel,  an  impassible  statue.  There  could  be  no  going  to 
him  for  counsel. 

I  saw  no  more  of  Hugh  that  night,  but  I  took  Ellen  up 
to  my  room. 


104  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OK        . 

"What  a  curious  mood  you  are  in,"  she  said,  presently  ; 
"or  do  you  always  grow  handsome  at  midnight,  when 
other  people  begin  to  fade  ?  For  you  are  so  brilliant,  you 
look  quite  uncanny." 

"Ellen,"  I  began,  "are  you  satisfied  with  having  me 
here ?  "Would  you  not  be  happier  if  we  had  never  met?" 

She  looked  wonderingly  at  me  an  instant,  then  the  soft 
eyes  drooped. 

"No,"  she  said;  "do  not  think  of  that.  If  you  will 
only  let  me  love  you.  But  you  have  such  a  strange,  weird 
charm  that  I  sometimes  feel  almost  afraid." 

"How  much  do  you  love  your  cousin?" 

After  I  had  asked  the  abrupt  question,  I  felt  abashed. 

"  O,"  she  said,  with  a  little  cry,  "  don't  think  of  me.  I 
guessed  it  all  long  ago.  Our  engagement  was  a  childish 
affair — better  broken  than  kept.  And  if  you  can  make 
him  happier  —  " 

"  He  has  been  mistaken,"  I  returned,  with  a  rising  flush. 
"  You  may  feel  that  I  have  led  him  on  but  to  mock  him  at 
the  last ;  yet  it  is  not  so.  J  have  tried  to  make  him  un- 
derstand that  his  attentions  were  not  only  wrong,  but  dis- 
tasteful to  me.  I  have  endeavored  to  lead  him  to  think 
of  you  —  " 

"There  is  no  reason,  now,"  she  said,  almost  joyfully. 
"  Do  not  think  I  shall  be  heart-broken." 

"  My  dear  Ellen,  if  you  can  comprehend,"  I  exclaimed, 
impatiently,  "  I  do  not  love  your  cousin." 

She  looked  blankly  at  me.  I  believe  she  suffered  deeply 
for  his  disappointment. 

"Don't  hate  me,"  was  my  imploring  petition.  "If  you 
could  know  how  honorable  I  have  tried  to  be,  even  if  these 
black  facts  do  stare  me  in  the  face.  And  I  have  not  one 
friend  to  pity  or  comfort." 

She  kissed  me  tenderly.     I  fancied  there  were  some 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  105 

tears  upon  her  face.  Yet  she  was  not  throbbing  nor  trem- 
bling, as  I  did,  in  every  pulse. 

"  Dear,"  she  said,  "  it  is  late,  and  you  are  over  excited. 
Rest  assured  that  I  do  not  blame  you.  I  had  only  hoped — " 
and  her  pale  lips  quivered. 

"  And  you  did  not  love  him?    Tell  me  that  again." 

"  I  did  not  love  him,  though  I  should  have  spent  my  life 
in  trying  to  make  him  happy." 

There  was  no  mistaking  that  calm  tone. 

"Ellen,  do  you  know  what  love  is?" 

I  enclosed  the  little  face  suddenly  with  my  hands,  and 
turned  it  towards  the  light.  It  was  a  vivid  crimson. 
Ashamed  of  having  thus  rudely  wrested  her  secret  from 
her,  I  let  her  go.  We  kissed  again  in  silence,  and  parted. 
I  hugged  to  my  heart  the  consciousness  that  there  was 
some  real  love  in  the  world.  But  did  it  ever  meet  with 
a  just  reward? 


106  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

"  We  twain  have  met,  like  ships  upon  the  sea, 
To  hold  an  hour's  converse,  so  short,  so  sweet. 
One  little  hour !    And  then  away  they  speed 
On  lonely  paths,  through  mist,  and  cloud,  and  foam, 
Perchance  to  meet  no  more."  ALEX.  SMITH. 

I  SLEPT  very  little  that  night,  and  kept  revolving  the 
problem  of  destiny  in  my  mind.  How  oddly  we  all  get 
linked  together  and  confused  by  a  tangle  of  circumstances ! 
Could  I  have  done  differently,  and  would  it  have  been 
best?  Would  Ellen  have  been  happy  in  marrying  her 
cousin  ? 

I  was  still  in  bed  when  Thirza  came,  although  the  sun 
was  shining  in  at  every  window.  I  felt  languid  and  ap- 
prehensive, and  wished  I  could  be  transported  back  to 
Laurelwood.  Instead,  I  must  go  through  not  only  this 
day,  but  one  or  two  more,  keeping  my  serenity  undisturbed, 
outwardly,  at  least. 

I  found  Ellen  waiting  for  me  in  the  hall,  and  appreciated 
the  act  of  delicacy  on  her  part.  We  were  the  last  to  enter 
the  breakfast-room.  Hugh's  color  deepened  as  I  gave  him 
a  furtive  glance,  but,  the  conversation  being  general,  all 
awkwardness  soon  passed  away.  Our  host  was  planning  a 
drive  for  the  morning's  enjoyment,  though  Mrs.  Graham 
insisted  we  had  much  better  stay  at  home  and  rest.  When 
I  found  the  general  had  decided  to  take  me  in  his  party  I 
•was  ready  to  go ;  for  at  present  I  did  not  desire  to  risk 
another  interview  with  Hugh.  But  this  gave  me  no 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  107 

opportunity  to  see  Ellen;  for  after  lunch  there  Was  music, 
and  a  few  calls,  which  occupied  the  time  until  dinner' 
However,  we  all  dispersed  early  in  the  evening.  I  caught 
a  glimpse  of  the  wistful  eyes  following  me,  and  said,  in  a 
low  tone, — 

"Will  you  come  to  my  room,  Ellen?" 

"  With  pleasure,"  was  the  response. 

So,  after  Thirza  had  brushed  out  my  hair,  I  dismissed 
her.  A  moment  after,  I  answered  the  low  tap  at  my  door. 

Ellen  seated  herself  on  the  hassock,  and  leaned  her  arms 
upon  my  knee.  What  a  simple,  lovely  child  she  seemed. 

"  I  have  had  a  long  talk  with  Hugh  to-day,"  she  began. 
"  We  are  both  better  satisfied  to  give  up  the  engagement. 
It  will  disappoint  uncle  sadly ;  but  I  do  think  it  will  be 
wiser  for  Hugh.  I  should  never  have  been  strong  enough 
to  rouse  his  ambition  or  pride.  It  "Would  have  proved 
another  wasted  life,  idled  away  in  ease  and  indolence. 
The  right  chord  has  been  touched,  although  —  "and  as 
she  paused,  I  saw  a  tear  glittering  on  her  long  lashes. 

"I  am  afraid  I  have  made  a  good  deal  of  trouble  for 
you  all,"  I  returned.  "I  cannot  tell  you  how  much  I  re- 
gret it." 

"Is  there  no  hope  for  Hugh  ?  Miss  Adrianee,  you  don't 
know  what  he  is  capable  of.  And  if  there  was  some  high 
aim  to  lead  him  on,  I  know  he  could  and  would  strive  to 
render  himself  worthy  of  such  a  woman." 

"  My  darling,  you  rate  me  too  highly.  I  cannot  even 
solve  the  difficulties  in  my  own  path ;  and  I  should  be  a 
poor  guide  for  any  other  human  soul.  Love  might  inspire 
a  woman;  but  I  have  not  even  that.  We  could  never  be 
anything  beyond  the  most  ordinary  friends." 

"  Then  it  is  useless  to  try?" 

"Is  not  the  richest  love  spontaneous?  Why  have  you 
failed  in  learning  to  love  him  ?  " 


108  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OR 

The  fair  face  flushed,  and  the  eyes  were  downcast. 

"  I  want  to  be  honest  with  yon,"  she  said,  presently. 
«'  I  f-mcied  in  the  earlier  years  that  I  did  love  him.  My 
nature  is  quiet,  and  to  a  certain  extent  passive;  lie  was 
stronger,  and  swayed  me  by  the  force  of  his  impressions; 
but  he  was  young,  and  there  was  no  occasion  for  hurrying 
our  marriage.  So  it  has  gone  on.  Last  summer  we  were 
staying  at  Sulphur  Springs,  uncle's  favorite  resort.  I  met 
a  stranger,  and  formed  one  of  those  transient  acquaintances 
that  generally  leave  behind  only  a  pleasant  memory.  But 
this  man  had  a  soul  that  spoke  to  mine,  moved  it  as  noth- 
ing else  ever  had,  I  did  not  dream  of  clanger.  On  the  last 
evening  of  his  stay  we  walked  together  for  an  hour  or  two, 
and  drifted  out  on  the  swift  current  of  love.  It  was  told 
in  looks  and  a  clasp  of  the  hand,  for  he  knew  I  was  engaged 
to  my  cousin,  and  he  waited  for  a  sign  from  me.  I  was 
brave  enough  then  to  put  by  the  tempting  cup  not  meant 
for  my  lips.  Heaven  knew  what  it  cost  me,  but  I  did  it. 
And  if  Hugh  had  loved  me,  I  should  have  striven  hard  to 
banish  that  remembrance." 

"  Would  it  have  been  right?" 

"Yes.  I  cannot  argue,  I  can  only  understand  that 
strength  and  courage  are  meant  for  just  these  emergencies. 
It  is  when  one  wants  to  do  a  wrong  thing  that  one  must 
pray  to  be  kept  from  temptation.  My  duty  was  here." 

"And  yet  Hugh  had  failed  you  before  that!" 

"  I  did  not  know  it.  He  talked  of  you  ;  still  it  is  only 
recently  that  I  felt  the  bond  was  irksome  to  him." 

"  If  you  had  been  aware  last  summer  — " 

"  Don't,"  she  said,  with  a  sudden  quiver  through  her 
frame.  "I  acted  up  to  the  light  I  had.  I  wanted  above 
all  things  to  do  right,  and  I  was  bound  by  ties  of  affection. 
to  uncle  and  aunt." 

"  But  you  see  Hugh  didn't  stop  to  think  of  what  was 


TRYING  THE  WORLD,  109 

right,  or  whether  he  would  give  you  pain.  What  if  you 
had  loved  him?" 

"Dear,  is  it  wise  to  suffer  over  things  that  can  never 
happen  ?  There  is  enough  pain  in  our  daily  lives." 

"  I  think  a  man  should  be  just  as  honorable,  and  true,  and 
brave  as  a  woman,"  I  said,  warmly. 

u  I  am  glad  to  have  known  one  man  who  dared  to  thrust 
self  behind  him,  who  chose  to  suffer  in  silence,  rather  than 
pain  the  woman  he  loved  by  useless  persuasions,  and  who 
was  grand  enough  not  to  tempt  her  to  break  her  word." 

"Very  few  men  are  such  heroes,"  I  said,  feeling  the 
bitter  truth. 

"  But  now  and  then  one  stands  like  a  Saul  above  his 
fellows.  It  keeps  our  faith  in  human  nature  from  dying 
utterly." 

"And  now  are  your  souls  to  remain  forever  apart ?"  I 
asked,  eagerly, 

*'  As  God  wills.  If  he  means  that  I  shall  attain  to  so 
high  a  bliss  he  will  bring  it  to  me."" 

"I  could  never  be  so  patient.  What  if  Hugh  should 
return  to  his  allegiance?" 

"  He  never  will.     It  is  like  opening  the  eyes  of  the  blind." 

"  What  strange  lives  we  women  lead,"  I  said,  impulsively, 
*'  We  are  flattered  into  thinking  ourselves  nearly  omnipo- 
tent, and  if  we  cry  for  the  moon,  are  told  that  all  these 
things  are  above  our  comprehension.  Men  can  find  a 
proud  existence  in  action ;  they  can  rear  a  grand  future. 
Science,  and  art,  and  employment  open  to  them  golden 
doors,  while  women  sit  at  home  dawdling  over  idle  dreams, 
their  hungry  lips  stopped  with  a  few  trifling,  flavorless 
kisses,  and  then  they  are  expected  to  be  high-minded, 
lofty  of  soul,  and  clear  of  brain.  We  are  fed  upon  stones 
or  chaff." 

**  I  think  all  lives  may  hold  in  them  something  good  and 


110  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

• 

useful.  "We  too  often  disdain  the  common  round  of  duties 
in  longing  for  some  great  thing." 

"  And  you  mean  to  take  up  the  '  common  round '  ?  " 
I  said,  with  a  half  smile.  "  You  have  gone  nearly  through 
the  octave  for  women.  I  can't  make  it  seem  right  that 
one  should  suffer  a  good  deal  and  enjoy  a  very  little.  I 
shall  not  be  content  to  die  until  I  have  one  long,  delicious 
draught  of  joy." 

"  No  fear  but  that  it  will  be  yours.  I  think  you  can 
win  every  good  gift  fate  has  to  bestow." 

"  And  you  ?    Is  there  nothing  but  neutral  tints  left  ?  " 

"Don't  pity  me  with  your  great,  sorrowful  eyes,  but 
help  me  to  be  strong.  I  did  not  mean  any  one  should 
ever  see  that  grave.  Whether  there  will  be  a  resurrection 
morning  for  the  buried  hope,  I  cannot  tell,  but  I  have  no 
right  to  brood  over  it.  And  now,  dearest  friend,  you 
know  all." 

There  was  a  great  fire  of  logs  blazing  in  the  wide  chim- 
ney, and  she  sat  between  me  and  it.  The  impression  that 
I  had  seen  her  somewhere  before  came  over  me  strongly 
again.  Small,  dainty  as  a  sprite,  yet  exquisitely  human, 
loose  curls  of  palest  brown,  two  or  three  removes  from 
flaxen,  and  those  soft,  heavenly  blue  eyes.  What  a  strange, 
dim  remembrance  it  was!  Ah  —  and  I  gave  a  sudden 
start,  then  laughed  as  I  said, — 

"  Did  I  alarm  you  ?  "  It  was  suddenly  coming  to  a  pause 
in  a  train  of  thought. 

"No,"  she  replied,  "but  you  are  nervous  and  tired,  and 
must  go  to  bed." 

"  Make  a  compact  of  friendship  with  me  for  all  time," 
I  exclaimed,  as  she  rose.  "  I  may  try  you,  for  I'm  impul- 
sive, impatient,  and  unlike  most  people,  I  fancy.  But  I 
want  the  assurance  that  some  one  loves  me." 

"  I  do,  indeed."  Then  our  lips  met  in  the  quivering  radi- 
ance of  the  fire  glow,  and  she  stole  softly  away. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  Ill 

I  was  content  to  let  her  go.  I  hardly  dared  believe  that 
first  hasty  thought  right,  and  yet  she  was  the  impersona- 
tion of  Philip  Westervelt's  "  Ellen."  I  seemed  to  under- 
stand the  key  to  all  his  moods  that  had  impressed  me 
vaguely  at  the  time.  He  had  spent  part  of  his  summer  in 
Virginia,  and  it  was  not  at  all  improbable  that  they  had 
met.  I  could  satisfy  myself  easily,  and  then  —  why  not 
bring  these  two  souls  together  without  a  long  and  weary 
probation  ? 

I  was  convinced  the  next  morning,  when  I  happened  to 
mention  him.  It  was  in  a  conversation  with  Mrs.  Graham, 
and  I  dared  to  expatiate  upon  the  delights  of  the  pleasant 
home  that  I  had  shared  for  a  brief  while.  The  fair  face 
flushed  suddenly,  and  she  listened  with  eager,  secret  atten- 
tion, but  made  no  mention  of  it  afterwards.  I  believe  I 
liked  her  the  better  for  this  womanly  pride  and  reserve. 

How  could  I  resist  a  little  castle-building  with  such 
tempting  materials? 

My  own  trials  were  not  yet  over.  Hugh  sought  me,  and 
insisted  that  I  should  listen  once  more  to  the  tale  he  had. 
to  tell.  I  felt  that  it  would  be  better  to  end  the  matter 
positively,  and  yet  I  own  his  devotion  did  touch  me  to  the 
heart's  core.  He  was  willing  to  wait,  anxious  to  undertake 
any  task  that  would  render  him  more  worthy  or  raise  him 
in  my  estimation.  Any  hope,  however  distant. 

I  could  not  make  him  understand  how  absolutely  hope- 
less the  case  was.  If  I  refused  him  love,  he  begged  for 
friendship  —  a  doubly  dangerous  boon.  Exhorting  him  to 
a  more  stirring  and  manly  life  roused  anew  his  passion.  I 
could  have  cried  from  very  despair. 

"  Hugh,"  I  said  at  length,  "  you  will  make  me  hate  the 
day  on  which  I  first  saw  you.  It  is  black  enough  now." 

"  A  day  of  days  to  me,"  he  answered,  sorrowfully. 

Ellen  promised  me  a  speedy  visit,  and  the  rest  were 


112  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

warm  in  their  demonstrations  of  regard.  But  I  was  glad 
when  we  were  leaving  Mont  Argyle  behind  in  the  dis- 
tance. 

I  was  afraid  Mr.  St.  John  suspected  that  matters  were 
not  in  the  most  tranquil  state.  He  was  a  little  sharp  and 
cynical  for  several  days,  but  we  settled  to  our  olden  life, 
and  I  was  beginning  to  breathe  comfortably,  when  one 
morning  we  were  surprised  by  a  call  from  General  Graham. 
He  had  brought  Ellen,  but  that  was  not  his  real  errand,  for 
he  was  in  the  library  a  long  while  with  Mr.  St.  John. 
Ellen  purposed  remaining  a  week,  so  I  carried  her  off  in 
triumph,  although  I  trembled  for  my  plans.  I  intended 
that  Philip  should  be  here  when  she  came. 

Mr.  St.  John  sent  for  me  after  General  Graham  had 
gone.  Something  in  his  eyes  warned  me  of  danger. 

"  I  have  a  proposal  of  marriage  for  you,"  he  announced, 
in  a  biting  tone,  veiling  his  displeasure  with  a  peculiar 
suavity  of  manner. 

I  colored  violently,  and  felt  that  I  hated  Hugh  for  his 
pertinacity. 

"  As  your  guardian  it  is  my  duty  to  lay  it  before  you," 
he  said,  with  lofty  courtesy. 

"  It  was  made  and  answered  a  fortnight  ago,"  I  re- 
turned, angrily. 

"  May  I  ask  if  you  accepted  ?  " 

He  must  have  known,  but  his  face  was  imperturbably 
calm. 

"  I  did  not." 

"  Ah.  It  seems  that  Mr.  Hugh  Graham,  lured  from  his 
allegiance  to  his  cousin  by  a  more  powerful  attraction,  has 
broken  his  engagement  on  the  strength  of  some  en- 
couragement." 

"It  is  untrue!"  I  exclaimed,  indignantly.  "I  never 
gave  him  the  slightest  hope." 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  113 

"  A  man  should  be  wise  enough  to  distinguish,  but  since 
women  think  it  no  sin  to  display  false  lights  as  it  suits  a 
whim  or  pleasure,  we  must  have  a  little  pity  for  the 
unwary." 

There  was  a  fine  irony  in  his  tones  that  exasperated  me. 

"  You  are  unjust,  Mr.  St.  John,"  I  said  ;  "  I  may  have  been 
unwise  last  summer  because  I  was  ignorant,  but  since  then, 
I  have  been  most  guarded  towards  Mr.  Graham.  I  can 
only  say  that  I  am  sorry  he  should  have  considered  it 
necessary  to  make  any  application  to  you.  And  if  he 
were  to  ask  me  every  day,  my  answer  would  remain  •  the 
same." 

"  Then  you  decline  the  honor  ?  "  He  uttered  this  with 
the  most  profound  indifference. 

"Should  you  advise  me  to  accept?  Will  a  man  who 
fails  in  his  first  faith  be  one  of  the  prizes  in  life's  lottery?" 

There  was  a  little  quiver  of  the  eyelids,  and  the  faintest 
color  rising  in  his  cheeks. 

"Remember  the  temptation,"  he  said,  ignoring  my 
question. 

"  Since  men  are  so  weak,  perhaps  strict  seclusion  would 
be  better  for  women.  They  do  not  like  to  be  held  answer- 
able for  the  faults  of  others." 

"Miss  Adriance,  what  woman  would  be  willing  to  thus 
martyr  herself?"  and  he  gave  a  scornful  little  laugh. 

"Well,"  1  returned,  roused  to  resistance,  "if  they  choose 
to  dare  the  flame,  let  them  pay  the  penalty.  My  con- 
science acquits  me." 

"A  fashionable  woman's  conscience  is  a  convenient 
article." 

If  one  could  only  sting  him,  give  him  back  pain  for  pain  ! 
but  I  believe  the  man  is  invulnerable. 

u  If  you  will  please  inform  Mr.  Graham  that  a  marriage 
between  us  is  quite  impossible,  and  that  I  wish  to  hear 
8 


114  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

nothing  further  on  the  subject,  I  shall  be  obliged,"  I  said, 
sweeping  loftily  from  the  room. 

From  Ellen  I  learned  the  state  of  affairs  at  Mont  Ar- 
gyle.  Hugh  had  taken  upon  himself  the  whole  blame,  and 
confessed  that  his  love  for  me  would  henceforth  be  the 
ruling  passion  of  his  life.  He  had  begged  his  father  to 
intercede  for  him,  thinking  Mr.  St.  John  might  have  some 
Bovver  over  me.  If  he  had,  he  was  certainly  chary  of  using 
it.  She  pleaded  with  her  eyes  and  her  low,  faltering  voice, 
but  uttered  no  entreaty. 

Before  I  retired  that  night  I  wrote  a  little  note  to  Philip, 
telling  him  that  I  was  unhappy,  and  desired  to  see  him, 
which  was  true,  for  I  did  not  wish  to  wound  the  delicacy 
of  either.  It  was  a  mere  chance  whether  he  would  get  it 
and  be  able  to  come  in  time,  but  I  resolved  to  risk  it. 

Then  we  had  some  quiet,  pleasant  days,  in  spite  of  a 
few  small  annoyances.  Mr.  St.  John  was  a  delightful  at- 
tendant when  we  were  together,  but  if  I  chanced  upon 
him  alone,  he  made  me  feel  there  was  a  gulf  between  us 
that  had  not  been  satisfactorily  bridged  over;  as  if  in 
some  way  I  had  mortally  offended  him.  Did  he  think  I 
ought  to  have  told  him  before  ?  He  surely  was  not  a  man 
to  invite  confidence. 

Perhaps  I  wrong  him  there.  Ellen  thinks  him  the  in- 
carnation of  manly  goodness  and  nobility.  She  never 
wearies  of  talking  about  him.  Once  I  said,  "Is  he  at 
all  like  your  hero?"  and  she  answered, — 

"  He  seems  different  from  all  other  men.  I  believe  a 
woman  would  be  afraid  to  love  him.  My  hero,  as  YOU  call 
him,  is  more  intensely  human." 

Would  a  woman  be  afraid  ?     I  once  fancied  — 

No  matter.     I  know  now  that  it  was  a  mistake. 

I  waited  in  nervous  anticipation  for  Philip.  One  even- 
ing he  dropped  in  upon  us,  to  the  surprise  of  Mr.  St.  John. 


TEYING   THE   WORLD.  115 

I  had  asked  him  to  keep  my  secret,  and  he  did  it  excel- 
lently. There  was  a  momentary  confusion  in  welcoming 
him,  and  then  Miss  Keith  was  introduced.  She  was  pale 
as  a  lily,  and  kept  in  the  shade  of  Mrs.  Lawrence's  flowing 
robes,  but  the  hand  she  extended  trembled  visibly  to  watch- 
ful eyes. 

"  This  is  an  unexpected  pleasure,"  Philip  exclaimed. 
"Miss  Keith  and  I  are  old  friends." 

"I  did  not  know  that,"  —  and  St.  John  looked  puzzled. 

"We  met  last  summer  at  Sulphur  Springs."  Then  he 
paused  and  turned  away,  as  if  moved  by  a  sudden  con- 
sciousness. She  was  silent,  too,  and  presently  went  to  the 
table  and  took  up  a  book  she  had  been  reading. 

I  did  not  design  to  have  him  remain  long  in  doubt ; 
but  nothing  ever  happens  as  one  plans  it.  Mr.  St.  John 
kept  him  engrossed  the  whole  evening.  I  couLl  absolutely 
have  cried  with  vexation. 

But  I  came  down  early  the  next  morning,  and  found 
him  in  the  library.  The  happy  face  was  grave  and  clouded, 
but  he  smiled  at  my  entrance.  A  few  commonplaces  passed 
between  us. 

"You  don't  look  as  if  you  had  been  very  deeply  trou- 
bled," he  began.  "If  it  would  not  sound  like  flattery,  I 
should  feel  tempted  to  tell  you  wh:it  I  think." 

I  held  up  my  hands  dcprecatingly,  and  said, — 

"I  have  found  beauty  a  rather  perilous  dower." 

"So  soon?" 

"  Don't  laugh  at  me.  Be  kind  and  tender  and  impar- 
tial, and  help  me  to  decide  whether  I  have  committed  a 
great  crime  or  not;  for  I  do  need  a  friend." 

"My  best  is  at  your  service,  as  you  well  know." 

I  told  him  the  story  of  Hugh  Graham's  ill-fated  passion, 
and  could  hardly  repress  my  delight  at  the  interest  he 
displayed,  all  the  deeper  for  another  woman's  sake;  yet  I 


116  8YDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

had  no  selfish  feeling  about  it.  And  then  I  spoke  of  Mr. 
St.  John's  comments. 

"I  do  not  see  where  you  were  to  blame,"  he  said,  with 
sweet  seriousness.  "  But  I  am  sorry  you  and  St.  John 
disagree.  Since  you  cannot  help  being  beautiful,  I  sup- 
pose we  must  pity  your  misfortunes.  And  it  has  been 
productive  of  some  good,  for  it  will  save  two  people  from, 
an  ill-assorted,  loveless  marriage,  and  give  to  another  — 
Sydnie,  I  must  tell  you.  I  met  Ellen  Keith,  and  loved  her 
unwittingly.  If  I  had  known  all  then,  I  might  have 
spoken ;  but  I  believed  I  had  no  right.  To  hear  that  she 
is  free  —  free,"  and  he  lingered  softly  over  the  word.  "  Yet 
how  cold  and  shy  she  was  last  night." 

"  She  would  not  flaunt  her  love  in  any  man's  face,"  I 
said,  warmly. 

"  No.  She  is  purity  and  delicacy  itself;  and  heroic, 
too.  Last  summer  she  put  away  the  tempting  cup  with 
firm  hand.  God  only  could  know  the  anguish  of  her  soul. 
It  shall  be  repaid  a  thousand  fold.  So  you  see  I  cannot 
blame  you." 

The  others  were  in  the  hall,  and  we  went  to  breakfast. 
Ellen  was  pale,  as  if  she  had  scarcely  slept.  Mr.  St.  John 
remarked  it. 

"  You  are  losing  your  roses,"  he  said,  with  kindly  so- 
licitude. "As  the  morning  promises  to  be  fine,  I  think 
we  must  have  a  brisk  canter  over  the  hills.  You  will  not 
mind  the  cold." 

Her  eyes  brightened  at  that. 

"  It  will  be  different  from  the  lazy  rides  we  used  to  have 
when  you  were  in  Now  York,"  Philip  said  to  me.  "  I  sec- 
ond the  proposal  with  all  my  heart." 

We  waited  until  the  sun  was  making  rapid  strides  in 
the  blue  arch  overhead.  It  was  a  really  delightful  winter 
day,  with  a  crisp  but  not  unpleasant  air.  Mr.  St.  John 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  117 

tacitly  gave  Philip  his  choice  of  a  companion,  and  I  fell  to 
his  share. 

We  had  some  odd,  sharp  skirmishing.  I  was  in  a 
splendid  humor,  too  happy  to  be  irritated  by  anything  he 
could  say.  And  somewhere  on  the  road  Ellen  found  her 
roses. 

I  fancied  that  Mr.  St.  John  suspected  Philip's  penchant. 
They  were  left  a  good  deal  to  themselves  the  remainder 
of  the  day  and  evening.  Ellen  ran  into  my  room  the 
last  thing  at  night,  blushing  and  happy,  yet  timid  as  a 
fawn. 

"And  so  the  prince  won  the  princess?"!  exclaimed, 
laughingly. 

"O,  Syclnie!  did  you  guess?"  and  the  sweet  face  was 
pressed  against  mine. 

"  At  Christmas,  darling.  Philip  had  unwittingly  betrayed 
his  part  of  the  secret  before.  And,  since  I  had  made  one 
miserable,  I  longed  to  bring  the  other  to  happiness.  Don't 
blush  so  pitifully,  little  white  daisy,  and  keep  my  secret 
from  Philip  until  your  wedding  day." 

" I  wonder  if  it  is  wrong  to  be  so  happy?" 

"  Wrong,  child  ?  What  are  you  dreaming  of?  When 
God  brings  the  love  of  a  brave,  sweet,  generous  heart  to 
you,  would  it  not  be  ungrateful  to  mope  and  sadden  over 
it?  I  love  Philip  so  well  that  I  shall  be  jealous  if  you 
don't  give  him  every  atom  of  your  soul." 

"  Poor  Hugh ! "  She  uttered  the  words  with  a  soft 
sigh. 

"  Hugh  isn't  to  be  compared  to  Philip.  I'm  glad  some 
one  has  come  out  right,  for  I  began  to  fancy  the  world  was 
in  quite  a  jumble,  every  man  and  woman  going  the  wrong 
way.  What  shall  I  wish  for  you,  sweet  ?  " 

"  You  have  given  me  everything.  Do  you  know  I  never 
blamed  Hugh  for  loving  you  ?  I  could  not  help  it  myself; 
and  Philip  says  —  " 


118  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OB 

"  No  treason  from  Philip.  I'm  glad  you  are  not  jealous, 
and  love  to  hear  his  praises.  Mamma  Westervelt  dotes 
on  him.  Now  to  bed,  lest  your  castle  disappears." 

She  kissed  me,  and  went  away.  Hitherto  I  had  lived 
much  within  myself;  but  now  that  I  had  admitted  guests, 
and  given  a  feast,  my  sympathies  widened,  and  joy  became 
a  tangible  thing. 

How  very  happy  they  would  be!  She  would  suit  Philip 
so  perfectly;  and  his  great,  manful  soul  would  give  her  a 
•worship  that  but  few  women  ever  gain.  I  thought  of 
Laura  and  her  golden  fetters,  a  mockery  on  marriage. 
Henceforward  I  should  have  some  faith. 

Ellen  had  arranged  to  return  to  Mont  Argyle  on  the  fol- 
lowing morning.  Mr.  St.  John  was  to  accompany  her,  and 
he  extended  an  invitation  to  Philip,  who  was  to  go  on  to 
Washington  afterwards. 

"I've  hardly  been  civil  to  you,"  he  said,  as  we  stood  wait- 
ing in  the  reception  room  for  Ellen  to  comedown.  "I 
have  left  a  host  of  things  yet  unsaid.  Are  you  working 
out  your  own  life  problem  satisfactorily?" 

"  Pray,  do  not  demand  too  much  of  me,"  I  said,  gayly ; 
"  I  have  been  studying  ball-room  philosophy." 

"  You  have  a  brain  for  better  things." 

"  Does  it  matter  much  ?  One  day  follows  another  in 
purposeless  confusion,  and  thus  they  go." 

"Pursuing  shadows.  Will  you  recognize  the  great 
truths  of  life  when  you  come  to  them  ?  For  if  you  passed 
them  by  and  took  the  shadows,  you  would  make  an  irre- 
mediable wreck." 

"  Do  you  see  that  in  my  face  ?  Are  we  not  sufficiently 
friends  for  you  to  redeem  your  promise?" 

He  thought  a  moment,  giving  me  a  peculiar,  scrutinizing 
glance. 

"  Yes,"  he  rejoined  ;  «  and  if  I  vex,  you  must  be  merciful 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  119 

and  forgive.  You  have  a  strong,  sweet,  but  haughty  na- 
ture, intolerant  of  restraint,  impatient,  singularly  reserved 
at  times.  Many  people  go  through  life  scarcely  taking  a 
•lasting  impression,  because  all  feelings  are  so  easily  effaced. 
It  will  not  be  so  with  you.  You  have  an  ardent  tempera- 
ment, tropical  fire  and  passion  in  your  veins;  but  you  are 
proud  to  the  last  degree,  and  would  endure  what  might 
kill  another  woman.  With  your  affluent  nature  and  mani- 
fold charms,  there  will  be  much  temptation  to  use  your 
power;  but  O,  be  careful.  When  you  love  — " 

"  What  then  ?  "  for  he  made  a  long  pause. 

"  I  could  almost  pity  the  man  you  will  love.  You  haven't 
much  faith;  you  will  try  him  sorely  at  times.  Heaven 
grant  that  he  may  not  be  too  weak  for  his  destiny." 

"Not  very  flattering,  I  must  confess." 

"  But  I  do  give  you  credit  for  power  beyond  what  most 
women  possess.  You  absorb  all  impressions  rapidly,  and 
therein  lies  the  greater  danger.  You  will  the  sooner  ex- 
haust pleasures  and  enjoyments,  and  then  must  cornc  con- 
tinual restlessness  or  discontented  stagnation.  It  is  a 
strange,  daring,  yet  delightful  nature  to  rule.  If  I  could 
place  you  in  the  hands  of  a  strong,  patient,  generous 
friend  —  " 

"  I  think  I  shall  prove  sufficient  for  myself.  I  suppose  I 
shall  presently  come  to  the  level  of  other  women." 

"  Heaven  forbid  !  "  he  said,  earnestly. 

"  Peculiar  people  are  always  a  trial,"  I  returned,  with 
gome  feeling. 

"  You  must  learn  not  to  be  a  trial.  My  dear  friend,  the 
grace  of  a  patient  spirit  is  worth  striving  for." 

"I  am  not  patient;  I  never  could  be." 

"  On  the  contrary,  you  can  be.  There,  I  have  sermon- 
ized you  and  teased  you,  but  I  want  you  to  know  that  no 


120  SYDNIE  ADPJANCE,  OR 

brother  would  ever  be  more  ready  to  defend  you  than  I. 
It  is  because  I  see  great  possibilities  that  I  tremble." 

There  were  steps  in  the  hall,  and  tender  fore  wells.  Mr. 
St.  John  glanced  back  once,  questioning  me  with  his  eyes, 
all  aglow  with  bewildering  lights. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  121 


CHAPTER  IX. 

"  The  good  want  power,  but  to  weep  barren  tears , 
The  powerful  goodness  want,  worse  need  for  them ; 
The  wise  want  love,  and  those  who  love  want  wisdom, 
And  all  best  things  are  thus  confused  to  ill."  SHELLET. 

AFTER  Philip  and  Ellen  had  gone,  we  settled  into  com- 
parative quiet.  Holiday  festivities  were  over,  and  we  had 
been  so  gay  that  it  was  good  to  have  a  little  rest.  At 
least  it  seemed  rest  not  to  have  more  than  one  or  two 
balls  or  dinner-parties  where  we  had  counted  them  by 
dozens.  Mrs.  Lawrence  was  lovely  and  placid  as  ever; 
Mr.  St.  John  changeable  and  puzzling,  I  knew  he  was  glad 
to  have  his  friend  happy,  and  yet  he  appeared  to  hold  a 
curious  grudge  against  me  on  Hugh  Graham's  account.  I 
could  not  seem  to  learn  what  course  would  have  met  with 
his  approbation.  I  confess  I  did  sometimes  enjoy  ruffling 
his  lordly  plumes.  If  other  people  found  me  entertaining 
and  thought  me  handsome,  why  should  I  not  bask  in  the 
golden  sunshine  of  youth  and  pleasure  ? 

Ellen  wrote  to  me  that  their  aflairs  had  been  brought  to 
a  satisfactory  conclusion.  Hugh  was  going  to  Scotland  to 
visit  some  relatives,  and  her  engagement  was  approved  of 
by  her  aunt  and  uncle.  The  only  trouble  now  would  be 
leaving  them.  Philip  was  anxious  for  a  speedy  marriage, 
but  she  meant  to  wait  until  another  fall,  at  least.  They 
had  been  acquainted  but  such  a  little  while;  and,  some- 
how, she  dreaded  to  make  so  important  a  change.  I  be- 
lieve she  would  actually  have  given  up  her  happiness,  even 


122  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

then ;  and  I  was  glad  that  Philip  possessed  jnst  the  kind 
of  frank,  resolute  nature  to  sway  hers.  He  h:\d  such  a 
cheerful  fashion  of  finding  his  way  through  difficulties. 
Doubting  Castle  would  not  long  be  an  abode  for  him. 

And  so  the  spring  came  to  us:  —  long,  lovely  days, 
touched  with  faint  fragrance,  murmurous  winds  chanting 
ballads  from  orient  shores,  and  that  tender  suggestiveness 
the  world  always  presents  when  waking  from  its  long 
sleep ;  hardy  blossoms,  nodding  .in  early  beauty,  budding 
trees,  and  birds  twittering  softly,  or  cleaving  the  air  with 
their  swift,  glittering  wings. 

One  day  I  received  au  e-pistle  from  the  only  schoolmate 
I  had  really  loved,  though  we  had  not  been  very  fervent 
correspondents.  She  reminded  me  of  a  promised  visit, 
and  begged  its  fulfilment  now,  as  she  was  about  to  be  mar- 
ried. If  I  would  only  be  her  bridesmaid  !  There  were 
several  reasons  why  she  wished  this;  and  in  any  event, 
she  must  have  the  visit.  Did  I  remember  our  long  talks 
at  school,  which  had  been  the  wonder  of  the  other  girls? 
She  had  never  found  just  such  a  friend,  and  longed  for 
me  more  than  she  could  express. 

Something  in  the  letter  roused  my  curiosity.  No  tender 
mention  of  her  betrothed,  no  girlish  hopes  nor  fears,  not 
even  hesitation.  I  cannot  tell  why,  but  I  had  always  fan- 
cied Anne  Sutherland  one  of  the  girls  who  wrould  never 
marry.  Not  that  she  was  unattractive  or  in  any  degree 
morbid,  and  she  certainly  was  worthy  of  a  happy  destiny. 
Had  she  gained  the  prize? 

I  went  to  consult  Mrs.  Lawrence.  The  fact  of  the  Suth- 
erlands  living  in  an  aristocratic  part  of  the  city  won  an 
amiable  hearing  for  Anne,  yet  I  believe  she  would  rather 
it  had  not  happened. 

"  Really,"  she  said,  with  her  sweet,  half-indifferent  smile, 
"  you  seem  to  be  the  centre  of  romance.  Promise  that  you 
will  not  commit  any  folly  yourself." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  123 

"The  girls  at  school  used  to  call  Anne  and  myself  *  old 
maids,'"  I  returned,  laughingly.  "I  think  I  am  in  no 
great  danger." 

"  O,  I  expect  you  to  marry  some  time.  Only  it  is  well 
to  exercise  a  little  judgment." 

"  Which  means,  that  I  am  not  to  fall  in  love  with  a  poor 
man ! " 

"  You  still  seem  to  consider  the  love  a  necessity;"  and 
her  tones  were  as  cold  and  as  near  to  sarcasm  as  hers  ever 
came. 

"  It  is  to  me.  I  could  never  content  myself  with  gilded 
shams ;  feast  my  material  senses  while  my  soul  starved.  I 
must  have  something  real." 

"  My  dear  Sydnie,  your  feelings  are  too  strong.  Many 
of  the  so-called  love-marriages  are  extremely  unsatisfac- 
tory. Do  not  wreck  your  all  on  this  fluttering  phantom. 
It  is  as  likely  to  be  a  sham  as  some  of  those  things  you 
protest  against  so  vehemently." 

"  At  least,  Philip  and  Ellen  found  it,"  I  said  triumph- 
antly. 

"  Yet,  you  see,  they  were  not  governed  simply  by  fancy." 

"Do  you  suppose,"  I  said,  warmly,  "that  Philip  consid- 
ered whether  Ellen  was  rich  or  poor?  She  might  have 
been  altogether  dependent  upon  her  uncle,  for  aught  he 
knew ;  or  he  might  have  had  nothing  besides  his  health 
and  energy." 

"  Society  is  a  kind  of  protection  and  voucher  for  these 
things.  If  one  pays  heed  to  its  wise  restrictions,  one  will 
never  go  very  for  astray"." 

Her  dignified  tone  and  air  of  superior  wisdom  amused 
me. 

"Mrs.  Lawrence,  did  you  never  experience  any  tempta- 
tion to  love  ?  "  I  nsked. 

"My  mother  committed  that  folly.     She  chose  to  be 


124  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

disinherited  for  the  sake  of  the  man  she  married.  My 
grandfather  overlooked  it  far  enough  to  adopt  Stuart.  The 
other  children,  except  myself,  died  young.  I  do  not  think 
my  home  was  particularly  happy;  and  when  Mr.  Law- 
rence, a  wealthy  West  India  merchant,  made  me  a  propo- 
sal of  marriage,  I  accepted  it,  with  no  regret,  though  he 
was  forty  and  I  but  sixteen.  He  was  proud  of  my  beauty, 
kind  and  indulgent ;  and  we  lived  together  most  comfort- 
ably." 

Certainly  she  was  neither  faded  nor  worn.  No  trials 
or  cares  had  dimmed  the  fair  face.  But  could  I  endure 
such  a  life  ?  The  volcano  at  the  bottom  of  my  soul  would 
find  vent  and  scatter  widespread  desolation. 

I  took  her  pleasant  cautions  and  advice  in  good  part, 
and  decided  to  go  at  the  earliest  date  Anne  mentioned, 
which  would  give  me  a  fortnight  still  at  Laurelwood. 

Mr.  St.  John  was  very  unreasonable  and  captious  about 
it.  Our  winter  calm  was  breaking  up  into  a  March  tor- 
rent. He  sneered  at  love  as  a  school-girl's  folly,  and 
seemed  to  delight  in  vexing  me  when  no  one  was  by. 

"  You'll  come  back  with  your  head  so  full  of  romance 
that  we  shall  seem  dismally  tame  and  prosaic  people  to 
you,"  he  said. 

"  I  haven't  complained  of  the  tameness  yet.  On  the 
contrary,  Laurelwood  has  been  very  gay,  to  my  thinking; 
more  so  than  it  will  be  with  the  Sutherlands.  Judging 
from  my  friend,  they  are  a  quiet  household." 

"  I  have  not  been  quite  correct  in  my  selection  of  a  word, 
perhaps.  It  was  not  exactly  amusement  that  I  meant. 
You  and  your  friend  will  be  up  in  the  seventh  heaven  of 
rhapsody  when  you  come  to  renew  the  vows  made  in  your 
moonlight  walks.  I  wonder  she  has  not  occupied  more 
of  your  attention,  Miss  Adriancc." 

"  We  never  made  vows,"  I  retorted,  angrily.  "  You 
draw  too  largely  upon  your  imagination." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  125 

"  Could  any  school-girl  pass  through  such  an  ordeal  un- 
fettered ?  You  surprise  me  more  and  more." 

He  lifted  his  level  eyebrows  with  an  incredulous  expres- 
sion that  roused  me  to  a  white  heat. 

"  If  you  had  been  a  woman,  you  would  not  misjudge  us 
so  abominably.  Since  you  are  incapable  of  forming  a  true 
estimate  of  women's  regard  for  each  other  — " 

"  It  is  a  pity,"  he  interrupted,  with  his  mocking  smile. 
"I  should  have  made  you  so  much  more  desirable  a  com- 
panion, as  I  could  then  have  understood  all  these  little 
feminine  virtues  we  men  are  so  apt  to  consider  absurdities." 

."Doubtless  the  sex  would  receive  a  charming  addition. 
Personally  I  am  not  in  want  of  companions." 

There  was  a  pause,  and  I  began  to  congratulate  myself 
inwardly.  He  turned  as  if  to  leave  me,  then  said,  in  that 
imperturbable  manner,  and  a  low,  cutting  tone,  — 

"  I  am  fully  aware  that  friendship  can  do  nothing  for 
Miss  Ad  nance." 

"  Not  unless  it  brought  those  within  my  range  who  could 
be  kind  and  courteous  without  considering  it  derogatory 
to  their  manhood,"  I  retorted,  bitterly. 

"  You  have  been  most  unfortunate,  we  will  admit.  Youth 
is  not  always  the  wisest  season  of  life." 

"  It  is  owing  to  circumstances,  not  choice."  I  was  angry 
enough  to  say  anything. 

"  Allow  me  to  congratulate  you  that  events  are  likely  to 
place  you  among  more  congenial  companions.  You  have 
my  best  wishes;"  and,  with  a  haughty  bow,  he  sauntered 
through  the  hall. 

I  believe  he  takes  delight  in  annoying  me,  making 
me  the  target  for  his  satirical  shafts.  If  I  did  not  know 
that  he  could  be  gracious  and  tender.  I  could  the  more 
easily  forgive  him.  And  then  why  does  he  sometimes  take 
such  pains  to  please  me  ?  He  is  a  mystery,  a  book  wherein 


126  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OB 

the  reader  no  sooner  fancies  he  understands  one  page  be- 
fore the  leaf  flies  over  and  leaves  him  astonished  at  the 
change  :  the  attractive  and  the  renellent  forces  are  so 

O  * 

great  in  him,  and  he  affects  those  with  whom  he  comes  in 
contact  so  differently.  There  are  times  when  I  positively 
hate  him;  then  again  I  am  drawn  to  him  by  a  power  that 
I  cannot  resist,  and  find  him  all  gentleness.  If  he  would 
always  be  thus ! 

The  morning  of  my  departure  he  met  me  coming  down 
the  stairs,  and  paused  in  the  hall. 

"  You  will  return  in  a  radiant  mood,  doubtless.  Believe 
that  I  shall  take  great  interest  in  watching  for  the  day." 

"I  am  not  given  to  sudden  or  wonderful  changes  of  tem- 
perament," I  said,  curtly. 

"  Only  of  temper? 

"As  you  like." 

I  would  have  passed  him  then,  but  he  turned  and  crossed 
the  hall  with  me. 

"  I've  proved  your  stability,  I  think.  At  all  events,  come 
back  good-humored.  I  have  almost  forgotten  how  you 
look  when  you  smile." 

"  It  can  be  of  little  consequence,  then." 

I  kept  my  eyes  on  the  marble  tiles,  and  would  not 
glance  up. 

"  One  likes  to  live  in  peace  and  chanty  with  all  men  and 
some  women." 

That  soft,  peculiar  sound  in  his  voice  !  It  sped  through 
my  nerves,  but  I  would  not  allow  it  to  move  me  out- 
wardly. 

"How  cruel  you  are!  At  least,  let  us  part  friends;" 
and  he  held  out  his  hand.  The  deep  eyes  radiated  crys- 
tals of  light  —  for  now  I  could  not  keep  them  from  meeting 
mine. 

It  was  my  turn,  however;    and,  coolly  ignoring  the 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  127 

power  that  I  was  aware  I  could  contest  only  for  a  moment 
or  two,  I  said,  — 

"  I  did  not  know  we  were  enemies.  I  have  not  been 
considering  the  subject." 

His  face  gloomed  over  with  a  strange  expression.  I 
could  not  understand  whether  he  was  pained  or  angry,  and 
must  have  yielded  in  another  instant,  but  Mrs.  Lawrence 
came  fluttering  down,  heralded  by  the  scent  of  some  rare 
perfume.  She  was  to  accompany  me  to  the  station, 

"  Good  by,"  Mr.  St.  John  said,  with  gay  carelessness.  "  I 
dare  say  you  will  be  a  •convert  to  matrimony  when  you 
return." 

I  glanced  back  once  after  we  were  in  the  carriage.  He 
was  leaning  against  one  of  the  fluted  columns,  twining  a 
slender  creeper  over  a  trellis.  There  was  a  look  of  pride- 
ful  longing  and  melancholy  in  the  face,  that  haunted  me 
for  hours  afterwards. 

My  journey  was  both  rapid  and  comfortable;  though* 
having  no  companion,  I  found  plenty  of  time  to  speculate 
upon  my  friend.  We  had  been  room  mates,  and  drawn 
together  by  similar  tastes  and  feeling.  The  clique  headed 
by  Laura  Hastings  never  had  possessed  any  attractions 
for  her;  indeed,  she  was  a  thoughtful,  studious  girl,  with 
that  rare  self-reliance  that  kept  her  from  exacting  much 
from  those  with  whom  she  was  brought  in  contact.  Neat, 
orderly,  and  quiet,  I  found  her  really  delightful  for  con- 
stant company. 

Her  mother  had  been  an  invalid  many  years.  And 
Anne's  ambition,  it  appeared  to  me,  was  to  render  herself 
capable  of  supplying  her  mother's  place  as  far  as  possible. 
She  had  talked  of  the  children  and  their  domestic  menage 
until  I  seemed  to  know  them  all,  and  experienced  none 
of  the  awkwardness  of  going  among  strangers.  But  why 
she  should  have  decided  to  marry  so  suddenly,  and  why 


128  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

she  had  made  no  mention  of  a  lover  in  her  previous  let- 
ters, puzzled  me  not  a  little. 

It  was  late  at  night  when  I  arrived  at  Baltimore.  Anne 
and  her  father  came  for  me.  Mr.  Sutherland  was  one  of 
those  tall,  quiet,  aristocratic-looking  men  that  carry  gener- 
ations of  refinement  in  their  faces.  He  gave  me  a  cordial, 
high-bred  welcome,  and  proved  himself  no  less  a  gentle- 
man than  Mr.  St.  John,  except  that  he  was  more  formal. 
Anne  resembled  him  in  many  respects.  She,  too,  was 
tall,  slender,  and  fair.  Animation  always  rendered  her 
pretty ;  but  ordinarily  she  was  too  grave.  It  seemed  to 
me  that  daily  duties  and  events  only  touched  the  outer 
surface  of  her  soul,  and  that  the  fire  deep  within  had  never 
been  kindled. 

I  knew  by  her  bright  smile  how  glad  she  was  to  see 
me.  She  questioned  me  a  little  about  my  life,  and  how  I 
had  enjoyed  it  since  our  parting  at  school ;  spoke  of  Laura, 
and  two  or  three  others. 

"  It  seems  a  century  since  then,"  she  remarked,  slowly. 

I  longed  to  ask  about  herself,  but  delicacy  withheld  me. 
There  would  be  time  enough  for  all  explanations. 

"Mamma  and  the  children  have  retired,"  she  said,  half 
in  apology, "so  you  will  not  be  able  to  make  their  acquaint- 
ance until  to-morrow ;  and  I  know  you  must  be  weary, 
so  you  shall  have  a  cup  of  tea  and  then  go  to  your  room. 
Mamma  left  strict  injunctions  that  you  should  not  be  kept 
up  a  moment  longer  than  was  necessary." 

Her  voice  was  soft  and  cheerful ;  and  I  could  guess  noth- 
ing from  the  calm  face.  Patience,  I  said  to  myself;  but 
as  I  gave  her  a  good-night  kiss,  I  held  her  in  a  tender  and 
reassuring  clasp. 

"You  have  forgotten  nothing,"  she  exclaimed,  with  a 
sudden  impulse.  "  I  was  almost  afraid  I  should  find  my 
friend  changed." 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  129 

tt  Not  to  you,"  I  responded. 

I  soon  fell  asleep,  and  it  was  late  when  I  rose  the  next 
morning.  I  gave  a  thought  to  Laurelwood  and  its  in- 
mates, and  missed  Thirza's  swift  fingers.  Anne  soon 
made  her  appearance,  charmingly  neat  in  a  morning  dress 
of  French  cambric.  The  house  was  astir  with  children's 
flying  footsteps  and  pleasant  voices  —  rather  new  sounds 
to  me, 

Mrs.  Sutherland  awaited  us  in  the  breakfast-room ;  she, 
too,  was  very  lair,  but  small  and  fragile  looking.  A  sweet, 
patient  face,  bearing  traces  of  much  suffering,  but  not 
peevish  or  melancholy.  Walter,  four  years  younger  than 
Anne,  inherited  this  slender  constitution,  blond,  blue-veined 
complexion,  drooping  eyes,  nervous,  susceptible  tempera- 
ment, and  was  subject  to  a  spinal  malady  that  would  inca- 
pacitate him  for  the  severe  struggles  of  life  :  four  younger 
o«es,  healthy,  frolicsome  children,  to  whom  Anne  was  a 
second  mother.  She  appeared  to  comprehend  their  wants 
at  a  glance,  and  her  quiet  ministry  subdued  and  harmo- 
nized them  completely.  It  was  indeed  a  happy  group. 

When  the  children  were  despatched  to  school,  and 
Anne's  household  tasks  completed,  we  found  ourselves  at 
last  together  in  the  cosy  sitting-room.  Mr.  Sutherland 
went  to  his  business  early  in  the  morning,  and  did  not 
return  until  the  late  dinner  hour.  We  were  not  likely  to 
be  interrupted  for  some  time. 

"  Anne,"  I  began,  "  I  an\  all  impatience  to  hear  about 
the  lover  whose  fascinations  have  proved  sufficiently  potent 
to  win  you  from  this  home.  Take  a  little  pity  upon  me." 

"  There  is  no  romance  about  it,"  she  returned,  slowly. 
"  It  is  to  be  jxist  a  plain,  unpretending,  matter-of-fact  mar- 
riage." 

"  And  the  love  ?     I  must  confess  to  you  that  I  have  de- 
veloped an  insatiable  thirst  for  love  matters." 
9 


130  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

She  turned  her  eyes  away  absently.  "  He  has  loved  me 
for  years,"  she  said,  "  and  is  content  to  take  me,  trusting 
to  the  future." 

"  Then  you  don't  love  him  ?  "  There  was  a  good  deal 
of  disappointment  in  my  tone. 

"  Yes,"  she  replied ;  "  I  think  I  do  love  him ;  only  it  isn't 
the  passion  that  girls  talk  about.  He  is  noble,  generous, 
thoroughly  good  and  trustworthy,  but  a  quiet  man,  like 
papa.  Some  people  may  feel  deeply,  yet  never  put  it  into 
words." 

"  I  like  the  outward  sign  as  well,"  I  said,  with  a  smile. 
"  But  how  reticent  you  were  at  school !  I  don't  seem  to 
understand  you  at  all,  and  I  used  to  fancy  that  I  did.  I 
am  sure  you  left  this  marriage  quite  out  of  your  plans." 

She  flushed  warmly  as  she  answered, — 

"  We  have  been  engaged  since  Christmas,  only.  Before 
that  I  never  dreamed  —  Will  it  tire  you  if  I  tell  you  the 
Btory?" 

"  Tire  me !  I  am  wild  to  hear  it ;  and  I  suspect  there 
is  considerable  romance  about  it  after  all." 

It  was  a  moment  or  two  before  she  began,  but  her  voice 
was  clear  and  smooth,  and  she  evinced  no  agitation. 

"Papa  and  Mr.  Otis  have  been  friends  a  long  while. 
Two  years  ago  last  summer,  just  before  I  went  to  Madame 

W 's  and  met  you  at  school,  he  used  to  be  here  a 

good  deal,  though  I  was  shy  and  took  very  little  notice 
of  him.  Papa  was  making  ^ome  new  business  arrange- 
ments, into  which  Mr.  Otis  put  considerable  money.  He 
was  going  to  Europe,  and,  having  a  large  fortune,  needed 
to  use  but  a  small  part  of  it.  For  a  while  papa  was 
very  successful.  Last  fall  he  met  with  some  heavy  losses. 
Business  was  exceedingly  dull,  and  as  it  went  on  into  win- 
ter he  grew  alarmed.  At  this  juncture  Mr.  Otis  returned. 

"  Papa  had  said  nothing  until  then,  for  he  did  not  want 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  131 

to  distress  poor  mamma.  Indeed,  he  told  me  first.  He 
bad  barely  enough  to  meet  all  his  liabilities  if  he  gave 
.up  then;  but  it  was  sacrificing  everything  —  this  house, 
to  which  mamma  had  come  as  a  bride,  all  our  little  luxu- 
ries, our  servants,  our  hopes  of  the  future  —  for  papa  had 
contemplated  giving  Walter  an  art  education,  as  he  evinces 
a  great  genius  for  it.  I  felt  stunned  at  the  prospect.  For 
myself,  I  could  have  borne  poverty  and  toil ;  but  when  I 
thought  of  the  rest,  my  heart  grew  heavy  within  me.  I 
knew  papa  had  a  fine,  honorable  pride,  that  could  not  en- 
dure a  suspicion  of  wrong  dealing,  and  that,  hard  as  it 
was,  he  would  rather  give  up  all  than  go  on  involving  him- 
self. So  he  announced  his  misfortunes  to  mamma.  We 
had  a  sad,  sad  time,  I  assure  you.  I  tried  to  comfort  them 
both,  and  planned  for  the  new  life,  how  I  could  take  charge 
of  the  house  and  the  education  of  the  younger  children. 
I  was  really  glad  to  devCte  my  life  to  them. 

"  One  day  papa  came  home  looking  so  bright  and  re- 
lieved that  I  uttered  an  involuntary  cry  of  joy,  and  begged 
him  to  tell  me  what  had  occurred.  One  of  those  marvel- 
lous incidents  that  happen  to  some  people,  and  sound 
like  a  fairy  tale.  He  had  gone  to  Air.  Otis  and  laid  a 
plain  statement  of  the  case  before  him,  explaining  what 
he  purposed  to  do ;  and,  upon  looking  into  the  business, 
Mr.  Otis  concluded  to  advance  the  necessary  capital  to 
place  everything  in  good  working  order,  and  become  a 
partner.  He  would  not  even  listen  to  papa's  idea  of 
mortgaging  the  house.  And  so  we  had  but  a  fortnight 
of  sorrow  after  all,  and  no  change  would  be  necessary. 
Then  Mr.  Otis  came  to  visit  us.  Walter  took  an  extrav- 
agant fancy  to  him ;  he  had  brought  such  hosts  of  curi- 
osities home  with  him,  and  seen  nearly  everything  of  note. 
His  rooms  were  a  perfect  study :  Walter  used  to  spend- 
all  his  leisure  time  there ;  and  Mr.  Otis  insisted  that  it  was 


132  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

time  for  him  to  begin  his  true  education  —  for  he  means 
to  be  an  artist ;  but  with  his  health  it  will  be  slow  work." 

She  made  quite  a  pause. 

"Well,"  I  said,  "and  then  he  fell  in  love.  Anne,  I 
am  quite  interested  in  your  hero.  And  you  fancied  that 
you  must  marry  him." 

"  I  like  to  hear  him  talk:  his  pleasant  voice  sounds  like 
a  stream  flowing  through  grassy  meadows.  Do  you  re- 
member how  the  girls  at  school  used  to  discuss  spiritual 
influences,  positives  and  negatives,  natures  that  attracted 
and  swayed,  and  others  that  were  impressed  and  yielded  ? 
Here  was  a  mysterious  agency  for  me.  Mr.  Otis  seldom 
conversed  with  me,  yet  I  felt  that  he  always  wanted  me  to 
be  present.  I  could  tell  when  his  eyes  were  following  me. 
I  had  an  intuitive  perception  of  the  kind  of  music  he  liked, 
the  flowers  and  books  he  was  fond  of;  in  short,  I  could 
not  rid  myself  of  an  impression  that  some  irresistible 
power  was  linking  us  together.  And  when  papa  told  me 
he  had  proposed  for  me,  I  scarcely  felt  surprised." 

"  You  should  have  summoned  all  your  strength  to  resist," 
I  said,  suddenly. 

"I  don't  know  that  I  wanted  to.  I  felt  that  papa  was 
pleased,  and  expected  me  to  marry  him.  Mamma  thought 
him  tender,  generous,  and  loyal  hearted  ;  and  when  he  told 
me  that  since  he  first  knew  rne  I  had  hardly  been  out  of 
his  mind,  and  that  on  his  return,  if  he  had  found  me  gay, 
and  drinking  eagerly  of  pleasure's  cup,  he  should  never 
have  had  the  courage  to  speak,  my  heart  went  out  to  him. 
strangely.  His  had  been  a  lonely  life,  with  no  near  rela- 
tives ;  and  he  is  not  the  kind  of  man  to  make  friends  readily. 
I  understood  that  this  would  be  the  one  love  of  his 
soul,  and,  somehow,  I  couldn't  blight  it.  But  I  told  him 
that  I  did  not  believe  I  was  really  in  love.  He  turned  to 
me  quickly,  his  face  pale,  his  eyes  filled  with  apprehension, 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  133 

and  asked  me  if  there  was  any  one  I  fancied  or  liked  bet- 
ter.    Though  he  meant  to  devote  his  life  to  making  me 

O  *-' 

happy,  he  would  not  have  me  sacrifice  ^ven  a  thought." 

I  looked  at  her  steadily.  A  faint  color  wandered  over 
her  face,  but  the  brightness  and  hope  that  should  have 
been  its  glory  were  not  there. 

"  Well  ?  "  I  questioned. 

"  There  was  no  one  in  whom  I  had  as  much  confidence, 
no  one  for  whom  I  cared  specially.  Of  course  we  always 
have  friends,  but  friends  are  not  lovers." 

She  turned  away,  though  her  tones  were  very  distinct 
and  untrembling. 

"  I  don't  like  it,"  I  exclaimed,  impulsively.  "  It  is  almost 
as  if  Mr.  Otis  bought  you."  ' 

"No,  Sydnie;  don't  say  that.  I  was  quite  free.  Ho 
made  me  understand  that  in  a  most  delicate  fashion." 

"Are  you  f/lad  to  marry  him?" 

"I  never  thought  of  marrying  any  one.  I  used  to  plan 
to  stay  here  with  mamma,  and  watch  the  others  growing 
up.  The  idea  was  so  new  to  me  that  I  hesitated  a  little." 

I  remembered  Ellen,  and  her  sweet,  delicious  hopes. 
This  was  but  a  paltvy  imitation. 

"  Anne,"  I  said,  "  you  are  cheating  your  own  soul.  When 
it  is  too  late  you  will  awake  to  the  truth.  You  don't  love 
Mr.  Otis  at  all.  Gratitude  and  pity  have  swayed  you." 

"And  yet  I  like  to  think  of  depending  upon  him.  He 
gives  me  such  a  sense  of  rest  and  security.  I  fancy  that 
I  must  be  different  from  other  women.  Those  wonderful, 
extravagant  loves  frighten  me:  I  seem  to  shrink  from 
them.  Something  quiet  and  grave  suits  me  best.  And 
then  — "  taking  up  the  thread  of  her  story  as  if  we  had 
not  made  this  digression  —  "  we  glided  into  an  engagement. 
It  did  not  appear  a  bit  strange  to  me.  Papa,  mamma,  and 
Walter  were  delighted.  Mr.  Otis  bought  a  house  only  a 


134  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

little  distance  from  this,  and  we  are  to  go  to  housekeeping 
immediately.  The  engagement  has  been  short,  but  I  think 
it  quite  as  well.  I  .am  nervous,  and  want  it  all  over.  I 
fancied  it  would  be  so  pleasant  to  have  you  to  help  me 
select  furniture,  dresses,  and  all  that,  for  mamma  can  go 
out  so  little." 

"  I  wish  you  had  not  made  this  engagement.  Suppose, 
instead,  I  help  you  to  break  it?" 

"  No."  She  turned  suddenly  pale.  "  I  believe  I  am 
right.  I  mean  to  go  on."  Then,  in  a  changed  tone,  "You 
see  now,  dear,  why  I  have  not  written  about  it.  I  could 
not  have  explained  all." 

"  I  don't  wonder,  surely.  When  can  I  see  Mr.  Otis  ?  I 
shall  make  up  my  mind  then  whether  it  is  best  to  forbid 
the  banns  or  not." 

"  He  is  in  every  day  or  evening.  I  think  he  is  rather 
nervous  and  shy  before  strangers ;  but  it  soon  wears  off. 
I  want  you  to  like  him.  And,  Sydnie,  please  don't  talk 
this  way  before  mamma;  she  believes  that  I  am  going  to 
be  very  happy." 

"  And  I  know  you  are  not :  is  that  it  ?  " 

"  No,  you  don't ;  you  can't  know  what  is  alone  in  God's 
keeping." 

She  uttered  this  with  a  curious,  latent  energy.  Just  then 
we  were  called  to  lunch. 

.  I  sat  at  the  table,  revolving  Anne's  story  in  my  mind. 
It  was  so  odd  that  she,  of  all  other  girls,  should  tell  it. 
Looking  in  some  women's  faces  you  seem  to  read  that 
they  were  born  for  a  happy,  contented  love,  to  be  the 
centre  of  a  cheerful  home,  and  have  children  growing  up 
around  them.  She,  with  her  pretty,  motherly  ways,  her 
delicate  tastes,  fine,  sensitive  feelings,  but  not  high  or  wide 
range  of  intellect,  appeared  just  the  one  for  such  a  life. 
Would  not  coldness  freeze  her  into  a  stiff  formalism,  crush 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  135 

her  tender,  yearning  soul,  that  needed  bluest  skies  for  its 
blossoming? 

The  children  came  home  presently :  they  were  just  the 
kind  of  little  ones  to  make  friends  with.  I  was  electrify- 
ing them  with  some  rather  noisy  selections  from  Trovatore, 
when  Anne  summoned  me  to  the  drawing-room.  Mr.  Otis 
had  come,  and  wished  her  to  go  with  him  and  select  some 
paper  for  the  new  house,  if  she  and  her  friend  were  not 
too  tired.  So  I  went  in  for  a  brief  introduction.  Such 
things  are  invariably  awkward,  and  I  forgave  him  for  being 
stiff.  He  certainly  looked  old  for  his  years,  as  he  was  but 
little  beyond  thirty.  Not  prepossessing;  merely  a  plain, 
quiet  gentleman,  the  kind  of  person  one  might  suppose 
would  make  a  good,  trusty  friend,  but  not  an  enthusiastic 
lover. 

His  taste  was  certainly  fine,  and  he  paid  little  regard  to 
expense.  He  was  so  desirous  of  pleasing  Anne,  that  he 
would  have  purchased  half  the  warehouse,  and  had  his 
walls  adorned  every  week  in  a  different  style.  She  hesi- 
tated ;  in  fact,  I  suspected  she  took  no  great  interest  in 
the  matter.  She  was  not  happy. 

What  a  strange  world  it  is !  so  very  few  coming  to  the 
highest  enjoyment.  Some  lives  full  of  straining  effort  and 
self-denial,  and  yet  never  attaining  the  peace  that  crowns 
unconscious  love,  that  should  come  as  a  birthright  to  all 
earnest  souls. 


136  BYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OB 


CHAPTER  X. 

"  I  never 
Could  tread  a  single  pleasure  under  foot." 

KOUKKT  BROWNING. 

ANNE  was  really  bright  and  gny  at  the  dinner-table.  A 
sense  of  relief  seemed  to  pervade  her.  There  was  a  little 
talk  about  the  new  house,  and  her  face  flushed  to  a  pretty 
and  becoming  color.  I  half  fancied  her  happy,  after  all. 

I  was  playing  for  Walter  in  the  drawing-room,  when  we 
were  both  staitled  by  the  entrance  of  a  visitor.  Walter 
did  the  honors  of  the  introduction  —  a  Mr.  Charming,  who 
attracted  me  at  the  very  first  glance  —  a  handsome  man 
of  five  and  twenty,  who  recalled  to  one  the  statue  of  Anti- 
nous.  He  reminded  me  curiously  enough  of  Mrs.  Lawrence. 
The  same  slender,  subtile  grace ;  the  light,  airy  motion ; 
the  silken,  soft,  glittering  hair,  and  summery  blue  eyes, 
large  lidded  and  languid.  His  features  were  exquisitely 
cut ;  a  straight,  Grecian  nose,  a  beautifully-rounded  chin, 
and  mouth  as  perfect  as  an  infant's.  The  full,  scarlet  lips 
were  curved  and  smiling,  and  if  there  was  any  defect  in 
his  face,  it  was  that  the  upper  lip  looked  too  short  and  too 
Weak  for  a  man ;  but  this  one  would  hardly  cavil  at. 

He  glanced  at  me  after  the  introduction,  and  I  could  not 
help  experiencing  a  peculiar  thrill  of  power;  as  if  he  were 
paying  unconscious  homage,  and  so  delicately  done  withal, 
that  one  could  not  be  offended. 

Anne  entered.  He  rose  and  shook  hands  with  her, 
calling  a  bright  flush  to  her  cheek. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  137 

"I  am  positively  disappointed,"  she  said.  "I  wanted 
the  pleasure  of  presenting  you  to  Miss  Adriance." 

"Well,  suppose  we  have  it  over  again,"  and  he  laughed. 
A  string  of  tiny  bells  put  in  motion  could  not  have  been 
more  musical. 

"  And  we  have  been  so  much  engaged  to-day  that  I  have 
not  told  her  a  word  about  you." 

"Then  I  must  be  judged  upon  my  own  merits.  Miss 
Adriance,  please  be  merciful." 

44  O!"  Anne  said,  with  a  little  impatient  gesture.  "But 
a  few  evenings  ago  I  learned  that  Mr.  Channing  and  Mr. 
St.  John  —  " 

She  paused,  for  there  flitted  across  Mr.  Channing's  face 
such  a  comical,  half-deprecating  expression. 

"  Were  connections.  I'll  finish  the  sentence,  Miss  Suth- 
erland, and  Miss  Adriance  must  judge  who  is  to  be 
commiserated." 

This  air  of  gay  audacity  sat  wonderfully  well  upon  him. 

"  I  confess  you  brought  Mrs.  Lawrence  to  my  mind,"  I 
said,  feeling  pleased  and  interested. 

44  Thank  you.  I  don't  aspire  to  the  gloomily  grand,  as 
does  my  magnificent  cousin  Stuart.  Isabelle  is  a  charming 
woman,  but  she  displayed  a  good  deal  of  courage  when  she 
undertook  to  humanize  her  brother.  Miss  Anne  said  he 
was  your  guardian." 

"Isn't  it  odd?"  Anne  exclaimed.  "I  was  quite  startled 
wThen  I  made  the  discovery,  for  I  have  been  acquainted 
with  Mr.  Channing  a  long  while,  and  known  you  so  in- 
timately, too."  Then  she  colored  afresh,  and  looked 
strangely  conscious. 

"  And  you  are  really  relatives?"  I  said,  recovering  from 
my  surprise. 

"  Honestly  and  truly,  on  our  mother's  side.  Though  I 
suspect  St.  John  long  ago  disowned  all  relationship  with 


138  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

such  a  gay  fellow;  he's  so  miserably  grave  and  severe. 
Doesn't  he  sometimes  threaten  to  shut  you  up  in  a  dark 
closet?" 

"No,"  I  answered,  laughingly.  "I  have  found  Laurel- 
wood  a  very  enjoyable  place." 

"  Perhaps  he  comes  down  from  his  pedestal  occasionally. 
I  made  them  a  visit  when  Isabelle  first  went  there,  and  I 
assure  you  I  was  glad  to  escape.  I  cannot  endure  those 
morose  and  bitter  people  who  shroud  themselves  con- 
tinually in  sackcloth,  and  will  not  be  content  unless  they 
see  their  neighbors  sitting  in  ashes.  Life  is  such  a  delight- 
ful thing  to  me!  If  there  is  a  stray  gleam  of  sunshine  T 
want  to  be  in  it.  I  enjoy  summer  bloom  and  beauty, 
without  bewailing  the  fact  that  it  must  fade  when  winter 
comes." 

His  voice  was  so  purely  musical,  and  his  face  summer  in 
itself.  One  listened  as  to  chords  played  perfectly. 

I  had  found  Mr.  St.  John  bitter,  but  I  was  half  ashamed 
to  confess  it;  so  I  said, — 

"  We  have  been  rather  gay  and  dissipated  all  winter." 

"  Then  a  change  has  certainly  come  over  Giant  Despair. 
Miss  Adriance,  you  amaze  me!  Doesn't  St.  John  preach 
you  homilies  upon  the  waste  of  time  spent  in  such  frivol- 
ities?" 

"  I  haven't  been  sermonized  v«ry  seriously  as  yet." 

"  Wonders  will  never  cease.  And  though  I  wouldn't 
shadow  your  bright  visions,  I  am  afraid  I  have  little  faith 
in  his  conversion." 

Presently  we  rambled  on  to  something  else.  He  never 
wore  out  a  theme,  or  allowed  his  listeners  to  weary  of  it. 
He  was  at  home  everywhere.  Any  trivial  subject  blossomed 
in  grace  and  beauty  at  his  touch.  Choice  bits  of  sentiment 
floated  out  on  the  wave  of  conversation,  sparkling  like  the 
changeful  sea  in  a  midday  sunshine.  Poetry,  music,  art, 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  139 

nothing  came  amiss  to  him.  One  could  not  pause  to  ana- 
lyze, but  enjoyed  without  cavilling,  as  one  does  the  richness 
of  tropical  scenery.  It  gave  me  a  curious  sensation,  as  if  I 
had  remained  too  long  in  an  over-fragrant  conservatory. 

Before  he  went  away  he  made  an  engagement  to  take 
us  to  visit  a  gallery  of  paintings  then  on  exhibition.  All 
the  evening  Anne  had  been  bright  and  winsome,  treating 
him  with  the  familiarity  of  a  brother. 

After  he  had  gone,  I  lingered  by  the  piano  while  she 
collected  stray  sheets  of  music. 

"You  like  him,"  she  began,  in  a  confident  tone. 

"  How  could  any  one  help  it?"  I  said,  honestly. 

"  I'm  so  glad.     lie  is  to  stand  with  you." 

"What  an  odd  circumstance!  He  ought  to  stand  in 
another  capacity,  Anne.  You  have  been  a  different  being 
this  evening." 

"  There's  something  inspiriting  about  him,  like  wine. 
Perhaps  I  am  too  easily  impressed." 

I  took  her  face  between  my  hands.  "  Confess,  Anne,"  I 
said,  "that  you  could  have  loved  this  man." 

She  struggled  to  free  herself.  "If  I  had  met  him  now 
for  the  first  time,  I  don't  know  what  effect  he  might  have 
upon  me;  but  I  have  known  him  from  childhood." 

"And  how  have  you  escaped  loving  him?" 

"  I  do  not  think  he  ever  loved  me."  She  said  it  very 
simply  and  honestly. 

"  But  women  do  not  always  wait  for  that." 

"  I  don't  know  that  I  quite  understand  it  myself,  only  I 
can  fed  that  we  should  never  do  for  each  other." 

"Why?"  I  asked  in  astonishment. 

"  It  seems  as  if  he  would  need  a  strong  and  powerful 
charm  to  hold  him.  He  would  want  something  rare  and 
startling,  a  bud  one  day,  a  blossom  the  next,  and  ever  after 
a  different  kind  of  fruit.  I  am  grave  by  nature,  and  have 


140  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

but  little  variety.  I  should  give  all  at  first,  and  though  it 
might  grow  more  precious  to  some,  I  can  fancy  others 
tiring  of  it." 

"  What  an  odd  girl !     Do  you  think  him  fickle  ?" 

"  He  has  not  proved  fickle  in  friendship."  Her  eyes 
wandered  from  mine  as  she  uttered  this. 

"  There's  some  mystery  about  you  two  people.  I  can't 
imagine  how  you  could  consent  to  marry  that  unattractive 
Mr.  Otis  when  you  contrasted  him  with  Mr.  Channing." 

"  I  didn't  contrast  them.  Mr.  Channing  has  been  away 
nearly  all  winter.  I  cannot  make  you  understand  just  the 
kind  of  friends  we  have  been.  He  is  distantly  connected 
with  some  cousins  of  mine,  whom  I  used  to  visit  frequently. 
I  think  from  the  very  first  we  accepted  the  fact  that  we 
were  to  be  nothing  but  friends." 

"  And  how  did  he  take  your  engagement?" 

"  Calmly  enough.  Don't  fill  your  head  with  foolish  fan- 
cies, Sydnie.  It  is  a  matter  of  indifference  to  Mr.  Channing 
whom  I  marry." 

I  thought  there  was  a  dash  of  bitterness  in  this.  "  It  is 
of  more  importance  to  me,"  I  said,  warmly.  "  I  cannot 
endure  the  thought  that  you  are  going  to  make  yourself 
miserable.  It  would  be  better  even  now  to  break  this  en- 
gagement. There  is  nothing  but  a  paltry  feeling  of  grati- 
tude concerned  in  it.  Love  is  shamed  by  such  a  mockery." 

"  Hush,  you  wound  me.  Let  me  go  my  own  way  —  it  is 
best  for  me.  Come,  we  are  staying  up  unconscionably," 
and  shutting  the  piano  almost  violently,  she  drew  me  into 
the  hall. 

I  went  to  bed  with  a  head  full  of  vague  ideas.  It  seemed 
to  me  that  Anne  ought  not  to  be  allowed  to  take  such  a 
desperate  step.  Were  her  parents  blind  ? 

I  watched  her  and  Mr.  Channing  narrowly  the  next  day, 
and  confess  to  a  secret  mortification  in  finding  him  polite 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  141 

and  devoted  in  the  most  gentlemanly  manner,  but  not  in 
the  slightest  degree  lover-like.  Indeed  he  paid  me  the  more 
exclusive  attention.  Anne  was  by  far  too  generous  to  be 
suspected  of  anything  like  jealousy. 

It  was  singular,  but  in  a  week's  time  I  accepted  the 
fact,  even  if  I  could  not  be  quite  satisfied  with  it.  I  found, 
too,  that  Mr.  Channing  was  no  great  favorite  with  Mr. 
Sutherland,  while  he  did  admire  Mr.  Otis  warmly.  Some- 
times the  latter  thawed  a  little  when  we  were  alone  with 
him,  but  Mr.  Channing's  presence  made  him  awkward  and 
reserved.  I  was  forced  to  admit  that  Mr.  Otis  possessed 
many  fine  characteristics,  and  a  delicacy  that  one  would 
hardly  have  expected. 

We  were  kept  pretty  busy.  Shopping,  ordering  furni- 
ture for  the  new  house,  being  subject  to  the  nod  of  the 
dressmaker,  and  entertaining  callers,  occupied  us  inces- 
santly. Anne  seemed  to  enjoy  the  excitement,  and  I  no 
longer  attempted  to  dissuade  her,  or  discourage  her  in  any 
manner.  But  I  had  a  fancy  that  if  Mr.  Otis  had  given  less 
lavishly,  and  demanded  more  in  return,  claimed  Anne  as  a 
right,  and  not  taken  little  crumbs  and  odd  moments  of 
leisure,  it  would  have  been  better  for  both.  She  was  so 
rarely  alone  with  him.  Indeed  she  seemed  to  shrink  from 
intimate  personal  contact,  while  she  really  had  no  aversion 
to  him. 

Mr.  Channing  pleased  me  wonderfully.  His  beauty  did 
not  pall  as  one  became  accustomed  to  it.  Every  emotion 
brought  a  change  to  his  features,  a  new  light  in  his  soft, 
deep  eyes.  His  was  a  remarkably  expressive  face.  Another 
charm  was  his  reading.  With  his  exquisite  intonation  this 
was  drowsy,  lulling  music,  that  lingered  in  one's  brain  long 
after  the  sound  had  ceased. 

I  wrote  to  Mrs.  Lawrence  about  meeting  him ;  indeed 
he  begged  to  send  a  message.  What  was  my  surprise  to 


142  SYDNIE   ADBIANCE,   OR 

find  a  note  from  Mr.  St.  John  enclosed  in  hers,  a  few 
words  that  angered  me  in  an  instant.  Its  contents  were 
these  :  — 

"  Miss  ADRIANCE  :  I  regret  extremely  that  you  should 
have  met  Mr.  Channing  under  such  peculiar  circumstances. 
"While  he  is  agreeable  to  the  verge  of  fascination,  he  is  not 
a  man  I  should  select  for  intimate  companionship.  Be 
careful  in  your  acquaintance  with  him.  ST.  JOHN." 

It  was  mean  and  cowardly  thus  to  attempt  to  bias  my 
opinion  of  Mr.  Channing  —  his  own  relative  too! — as  if  I 
were  a  child  that  had  to  be  warned  at  every  step,  and  he  a 
person  dangerous  to  any  woman's  peace.  I  smiled  scorn- 
fully over  the  advice,  resolving  that  it  should  not  interfere 
with  my  enjoyment  of  his  pleasant  society  in  the  slightest 
degree.  Mr.  Channing  was  not  lacking  in  moral  principles, 
or  addicted  to  any  small  vices.  Refined  to  the  verge  of 
fastidiousness,  elegant  in  all  his  tastes  without  being  fop- 
pish or  sentimental,  what  was  there  to  annoy  or  distress 
one?  St.  John  was  manifestly  unjust  and  unreasonable. 

If  he  did  not  admire  Mr.  Changing,  I  must  confess  there 
was  but  little  love  lost  between  them.  The  latter  was  not 
bitter  nor  satirical,  and  yet  he  had  a  keen  appreciation  of 
the  ridiculous,  and  a  trick  of  drawing  exaggerated  pictures 
that  was  most  amusing.  One  day  he  was  enlarging  upon 
Mr.  St.  John's  habits  of  seclusion  and  distaste  for  society. 

"No  one  is  quite  good  enough  for  his  magnificence,"  he 
said.  "  I  should  think  you  two  women  would  be  a  daily 
trial  to  him.  Perhaps  he  takes  you  upon  the  Romish  prin- 
ciple of  penance.  I  don't  see  how  he  can  resist  the  oppor- 
tunity of  calling  you  up  every  night,  and  reading  you  a 
solemn  lecture." 

There  was  a  touch  of  reality  in  this  that  disturbed  me. 

"  Perhaps  you  have  converted  him,"  Mr.  Channing  went 
on,  in  a  peculiar  tone,  seeing  that  I  did  not  reply. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  143 

"  O,  no ;  I  have  not  the  courage  for  such  an  under- 
taking;" and  I  unwittingly  told  the  truth. 

"lie  prides  himself  immensely  upon  his  apathy  and  im- 
penetrability; as  if  marble  could  possibly  experience  a  sen- 
sation! Do  you  know  what  I  should  be  tempted  to  do  it  I 
were  a  handsome  woman,  Miss  Adriance?" 

«  What  ?  " 

"  Besiege  the  citadel,  and  when  it  capitulated,  march  off 
with  the  utmost  indifference  ;  for  you  women  do  occasion- 
ally play  with  hearts,  and  this  would  be  only  a  petrified 
semblance.  Wouldn't  he  chafe  and  fret  ?  Fancy  a  tiger 
with  the  toothache !  Ah,  your  eyes  sajfcthat  is  wicked,  but 
I  would  like  to  see  him  conquered." 

"  You  are  cruel." 

"  O,  Miss  Adriance,  he  seems  such  a  great,  useless,  mis- 
anthropical fellow,  full  of  quips  and  quirks,  and  sneers  and 
bitterness.  Does  he  make  any  one  happy?  Commend  me 
to  the  sweet  humanity  that  is  not  too  proud  to  smile,  or 
weep,  or  love." 

"Yet  he  has  some  friends  who  admire  him  extrava- 
gantly," I  said,  thinking  of  Philip  Westervelt. 

"  What  taste  they  must  have!"  and  he  made  a  grimaco 
at  which  I  could  not  forbear  smiling. 

How  differently  he  had  affected  the  two  men  !  Philip 
loved  and  revered  him,  while  he  and  Aylmer  Channing 
could  not  meet  on  the  plane  of  ordinary  friendship.  The 
latter  had  a  ready  sympathy,  quick  understanding,  was 
most  generous  of  his  powers,  lavishing  his  gems  on  every 
side,  indifferent  as  to  their  ultimate  fate.  He  had  lost  his 
mother  when  a  mere  child,  and  a  gay  young  step-mother 
had  been  the  companion  of  his  dawning  manhood.  He 
would  not  have  resembled  Philip  under  any  training,  and 
yet  in  his  way  he  was  equally  charming.  We  do  not  hew 
a  Hercules  out  of  every  block  of  marble. 


144  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

Mrs.  Lawrence  sent  a  very  cordial  invitation  for  Mr. 
Channing  to  accompany  me  home.  I  confess  I  rather  re- 
gretted arraying  myself  in  such  decided  opposition  to  Mr. 
St.  John's  advice.  But  there  was  no  help.  I  gave  it  as 
requested. 

It  was  only  a  few  days  before  the  wedding.  We  two 
•were  alone  in  the  drawing-room. 

Mr.  Channing  glanced  up,  his  face  in  a  radiant  glow. 
"  How  exceedingly  kind  of  her,"  he  said ;  then  colored  a 
little,  and  added,  timidly,  "Shall  you  like  it?  Will  it  be 
pleasant  for  you  ?  " 

I  was  sorry  to  bjave  him  make  it  a  personal  matter,  and 
answered,  rather  confusedly,  "  that  it  would  be  very 
agreeable." 

"  I'm  glad  not  to  have  to  part  with  you  so  soon  ; "  and 
the  low  key  into  which  his  voice  dropped  gave  me  a  most 
uncomfortable  feeling.  "  Laurelvvood  is  so  lovely  that  I 
shall  enjoy  it  beyond  everything  with  you.  And  May  is 
the  most  beautiful  month  of  the  year.  How  any  one  can 
exist,  and  not  thrill  with  delight  at  the  sweet  voices  of 
Nature,  but  go  groping  along,  dumb  and  blind,  seeing  no 
stars  overhead,  no  greenness  on  the  earth,  is  a  mystery  to 
me.  These  great  throbs  of  fragrant,  awakening  life,  kindle 
in  me  a  fervent  enthusiasm." 

He  looked  so  charming  as  he  littered  this,  his  fine  eyes 
aglow  with  dreamy  passion,  and  wondering  smiles  curving 
his  scarlet  lips,  that  I  forgot  my  momentary  uneasiness,  and 
answered  him  warmly. 

"  St.  John  and  I  never  agree  on  these  subjects,"  he  con- 
tinued. "  He  has  a  horror  of  romance,  and  thinks  sentiment 
of  all  kinds  only  fit  for  a  parcel  of  school-girls.  With  him 
the  wortU  is  false  and  illusive,  men  are  shams,  women  dolls, 
who  can  understand  nothing  higher  than  dressing  and 
dancing ;  you  are  wrong  from  the  beginning,  and,  do  your 


TKYING  THE  WORLD.  145 

best,  you  can  never  get  right;  yet  in  some  incomprehensi- 
ble manner,  you  are  to  work  out  an  excellent  destiny  from 
these  incongruous  elements.  Has  he  never  treated  you  to 
his  sublime  theories  ?  " 

I  could  not  help  smiling.  I  had  hardly  been  able  to 
make  more  than  this  out  of  my  guardian's  disquisitions. 
Yet  after  a  moment  I  felt  condemned,  and  said,  — 

"  I  think  you  do  Mr.  St.  John  some  injustice.  I  have 
Been  him  appreciate  the  noble  and  grand  in  Nature,  and  he 
has  proved  a  kind  friend  to  several  who  have  come  in  his 
way.  I  believe  he  is  not  a  man  that-one  would  understand 
readily ; "  then  I  paused,  for  I  felt  my  color  rising  under 
these  strangely  soft  and  luminous  eyes. 

"He  has  a  lenient  judge  in  you.  But  confess,  Miss 
Adriance,  hasn't  he  a  way  of  making  one  feel  weak,  aim- 
less, and  inferior,  while  he  goes  up  to  his  Titan  heights, 
looking  coldly  down,  and  offering  no  one  a  helping  hand  ? 
He  isn't  a  broad,  genial,  generous  man." 

It  was  true. 

"  However,  we  will  not  allow  it  to  spoil  our  delight.  I 
count  on  having  such  an  enjoyable  time.  And  yet  you 
alone  give  me  courage  to  enter  those  Dantean  portals." 

These  personal  allusions  made  me  nervous.  Perhaps  it 
was  merely  his  complimentary  way  as  a  man  of  the  world, 

Anne  kept  wonderfully  calm,  sustained  by  the  inward 
strength  that  she  called  her  duty.  Once  I  ventured  to  ask 
if  she  were  happy,  for,  somehow,  in  this  time  of  confusion, 
we  had  diifted  apart. 

"  Do  I  act  as  if  I  were  miserable  ?  "  and  she  gave  a  trem- 
ulous little  laugh. 

"  I  don't  feel  at  all  satisfied  about  you.  I  find  myself 
constantly  wishing  that  some  one  else  stood  in  Mr.  Otis's 
place." 

"  Hush !    That  is  a  forbidden  subject,  you  know." 
10 


146  BTDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

"Are  you  afraid  to  hear  Mr.  Channing  mentioned  fn 
such  a  connection  ?  " 

"Are  you  not  convinced  by  this  time  that  I  possess  no 
strong  attraction  for  him?  Do  I  shun  him  any  way  as  if  I 
were  pained  or  wounded?" 

I  confessed  that  she  did  not. 

"I  have  chosen  Mr.  Otis;  I  shall  endeavor  to  make  him 
happy:  and  in  ministering  to  another,  one  cannot  fail  to 
reap  some  reward.  Dear  Sydnie,  never  feel  distressed 
about  me." 

She  smiled  away  some  tears. 

Then  we  went  on  with  the  wedding  preparations.  Tho 
children  were  wild  over  Anne's  beautiful  dresses ;  friends 
came  with  bridal  gifts;  and,  amid  all  that  was  pleasant 
and  sweet,  the  marriage  day  dawned,  one  of  those  marvel- 
lous April  mornings  bordering  so  closely  upon  the  es- 
pousal of  May  that  two  voices  seemed  blending  in  every 
waft  of  fragrant  air.  Tiny,  detached  drifts  of  frost-white 
clouds  sailed  through  a  sky  of  peerless  blue,  and  the  broad 
sheets  of  sunshine  were  radiant  with  beauty.  I  felt  in- 
spirited. 

Mr.  Channing  was  like  the  most  devoted  of  brothers ; 
he  kept  the  bridegroom  from  being  unnecessarily  awkward, 
put  everybody  in  the  right  place,  laughed,  jested,  and  made 
it  as  gay  as  possible.  We  went  to  church,  and  walked  up 
the  aisle,  with  curious  eyes  staling  at  us  from  both  sides ; 
the  ceremony  began,  responses  were  given  in  a  low  tone, 
and  the  hand  I  ungloved  was  cold  and  trembling,  but  the 

o  o* 

eyes  were  turned  steadily  forward,  as  if  looking  at  the 
new  path.  What  strange  courage  we  women  sometimes 
display!  Then  they  knelt  down  to  receive  the  benedic- 
tion that  was  to  crown  their  lives. 

It  was  all  done,  past  recall.  Another  had  been  added 
to  the  list  of  happy  or  miserable  lives. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  147 

The  reception,  tiresome  as  it  was,  interested  me  greatly. 
The  bride  was  pale  and  quiet,  but  looked  lovely  in  her 
soft  white  silk  and  flowing  veil.  Mr.  Otis  acquitted  him- 
self very  creditably;  Mr.  Channing  was  charming  beyond 
description ;  and  when  we  had  laughed  and  talked,  shaken 
hands,  eaten  bride-cake,  and  smiled  over  our  wineglasses 
for  the  appointed  time,  Anne  and  I  made  our  exit.  I 
helped  her  change  her  dress  for  a  travelling  costume, 
kissed  her  tenderly,  and  wished  her  a  happiness  I  feared 
would  never  come ;  and  then  she  went  to  her  mother  for  a 
few  last  words. 

She  had  preferred  a  remarkable  composure,  I  thought ; 
but  it  gave  way  then.  The  other  farewells  were  brief,  and 
they  drove  away  on  the  pilgrimage  that  had  fallen  to  their 
lot.  For  how  many  of  these  things  come  from  absolute 
and  unbiassed  election  ? 

We  had  a  gay  time  after  they  were  gone.  Quite  a  party 
remained,  and  the  evening  ended  with  a  little  dancing. 
Mr.  Channing  lingered  until  the  very  last,  and  left  with  a 
promise  of  seeing  me  early  the  next  day.  He  had  added 
a  great  charm  to  the  visit  for  me.  Not  but  what  I  could 
have  enjoyed  myself  very  well  with  so  pleasant  a  family 
under  other  circumstances;  indeed,  the  children  made  a 
great  outcry  when  they  found  my  departure  so  near  at 
hand.  Walter  endeavored  to  persuade  me  to  remain  until 
Anne's  return.  It  was  odd,  I  thought,  that  they  should 
seem  to  count  upon  her  being  just  as  much  to  them  as 
before. 

"  I  don't  know  that  I  could  have  parted  with  her  if  she 
were  not  going  to  live  so  near,"  Mrs.  Sutherland  said. 

How  would  Mr.  Otis  like  these  constant  claims?  Per- 
haps his  boundless  generosity  took  in  the  whole  family. 

The  wreck  and  ruins  of  the  wedding  feast  seemed  every- 
where visible ;  aud  the  house  wore  a  listless,  disconsolate 


148  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

look  the  next  day.  Anne  was  missed  in  every  trifling 
event.  Her  sweet  and  yielding  nature  must  have  pos- 
sessed some  strong  points  thus  to  make  her  influence  felt 
and  needed. 

With  my  good  by  I  gave  a  promise  of  repeating  the 
visit.  Then  I  turned  my  face  homeward,  speculating  not 
a  little  on  my  reception.  Mr.  Channing  proved  a  delight- 
ful escort ;  I  liked  him  exceedingly,  yet  Mr.  St.  John  was 
hardly  out  of  my  mind  a  moment.  Would  he  deem  him- 
self aggrieved  by  the  presence  of  his  cousin,  and  the  fact 
that  I  had  not  heeded  his  suggestion  ?  I  did  not  well  see 
how  I  could  have  helped  it. 

What  a  strange  tangle  most  lives  are!  I  wonder  if  we 
choose  anything.  Rather  it  appears  to  me  that  we  take 
the  events  as  they  com'e  along,  and  use  them  as  the  present 
moment  dictates,  and  afterwards  bewail  mistakes,  helpless 
to  relieve  them. 

Two  of  my  companions  had  decided  their  destinies.  I 
was  not  much  better  satisfied  with  Anne's  marriage  than 
with  Laura's,  and  half  convinced  that  the  latter  would 
enjoy  more  real  happiness.  She  would  not  try  to  make 
pure  and  high  motives  harmonize  with  the  position  in  which 
she  would  be  placed,  and  know  none  of  the  wearying 
struggles  of  fruitless  endeavor. 

I  thanked  God  for  the  bright  promise  of  Ellen's  love. 
Yet  how  narrowly  that  had  escaped  going  down  into  dark- 
ness. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  149 


CHAPTER  XI. 

"  The  heart 

Oft  grows  inconstant  in  its  own  despite, 
And  most  in  love;  because  of  cruel  gods, 
Who  envy  man's  obtaining  that,  the  which 
They  deem  their  own."  SIR  WALTEB  RALEIGH. 

"  Still,  when  we  purpose  to  enjoy  ourselves, 
To  try  our  valor  fortune  semis  a  foe  ; 
To  try  our  equanimity,  a  friend."  GOETHE'S  TASSO. 

THE  fragrant  breath  of  a  glorious  May  morning  greeted 
me  as  I  opened  my  eyes  after  a  night's  sleep  at  Laurel- 
wood.  There  had  been  a  shower  in  the  night,  and  the 
distant  fields  were  a  glittering  sheet  of  emeralds  and  dia- 
monds ;  every  tree  was  a  haze  of  sunshine ;  spring  gusts 
went  wandering  through  the  pines,  sweet  with  the  prom- 
ised luxuriance  of  coming  summer. 

A  warm  glow  quivered  through  my  frame.  I  pushed 
the  heavy  hair  back  from  my  forehead,  and  drew  long 
breaths  of  this  bewildering  air.  I  thought  of  the  time 
when  I  had  first  come  here,  and  a  quick  rush  of  feeling 
overpowered  me  for  an  instant. 

But  I  was  forced  to  return  to  common  daily  life.  Our 
welcome  of  the  night  before  had  been  warm  and  cordial 
from  Mrs.  Lawrence,  and  very  courteous  from  Mr.  St.  John. 
I  was  anxious  to  know  how  it  would  prove  by  daylight. 
Perhaps,  after  all,  there  was  no  real  antagonism  on  Mr.  St. 
John's  part.  Natures  like  his,  strongly  marked  by  positive 
qualities,  generally  prove  severe  in  their  requirements,  and 


150  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

impatient  with  what  they  consider  mental  inferiority.  But 
are  they  any  happier  or  capable  of  higher  enjoyments  than 
the  others  ? 

Tbirza  came  to  assist  me.  Mrs.  Lawrence  had  already 
gone  down ;  so  I  begged  her  to  be  expeditious,  and  soon 
joined  the  family.  They  were  all  in  the  breakfast  room, 
the  two  gentlemen  talking  amicably  ;  so  there  had  been  no 
instant  declaration  of  war.  In  fact,  I  thought  Mr.  St.  John 
unusually  gay  and  brilliant.  He  inquired  about  the  jour- 
ney, the  visit,  and  hoped  our  newly-married  friends  had 
behaved  quite  to  our  satisfaction,  and  were  as  happy  as  it 
was  possible  to  be.  Mr.  Channing  made  most  of  the  re- 
plies. Whatever  had  appeared  incongruous  in  the  union 
he  very  delicately  kept  in  the  background.  Indeed,  lis- 
tening to  him,  I  began  to  fancy  that  Anne  had  been  a  rather 
fortunate  girl,  and  stood  a  fair  chance  for  a  pleasant  life. 

I  could  not  help  contrasting  the  two  men.  Aylmer 
Channing  bore  out  the  resemblance  to  Mrs.  Lawrence  in 
many  particulars,  and  especially  in  that  peculiar  appear- 
ance of  youth  and  gracefulness.  He  had  the  beauty  of 
some  old  god  ;  you  could  hardly  disconnect  him  from 
Grecian  groves  and  festivals  that  legends  have  brought 
down  to  us.  The  comparison  made  St.  John  appear  really 
plainer  —  gave  him  a  force  and  ruggedness:  the  massive 
brow  and  head  were  indicative  of  power  and  sternness, 
where  the  other's  displayed  an  elegant  ease  and  languor; 
his  face  was  sharply  cut,  cold,  indrawn,  while  Mr.  Chan- 
ning carried  in  his  a  continual  glow  of  enjoyment. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  was  really  delighted  to  have  me  back 
again,  and  I  yielded  to  the  charm  of  her  welcome. 

"  So  you  like  cousin  Aylmer,"  she  said,  when  we  were 
alone.  "I  wonder  that  I  didn't  think  of  inviting  him  in 
the  winter,  though  I  don't  believe  you  suffeied  for  lack 
of  society." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  151 

"Indeed,  we  had  our  hands  full,"  I  rejoined,  with  a 
smile. 

"  Aylraer  is  one  of  the  most  finished  gentlemen  I  have 
ever  met.  The  Channing  estate  is  large,  too,  and  there 
are  no  children  by  this  second  marriage.  I  wonder  that 
your  friend  did  not  choose  him  instead  of  looking  farther* 
He  tells  me  they  have  been  acquainted  for  years." 

"  Her  husband  was  an  old  friend,  also,"  I  said,  rather 
coldly. 

"  What  a  picture  you  two  people  must  have  made ! "  she 
went  on,  presently,  in  the  tones  whose  melody  wa^s  sweet 
to  fascination,  even  if  the  theme  was  deficient  in  charm. 
There  was  something  in  her  manner  that  gave  me  an  un- 
comfortable feeling.  Why  must  people  look  at  every 
ordinary  acquaintance  or  friendship  with  a  view  to  matri- 
mony? It  vexes  me. 

For  several  days  all  went  on  smoothly  enough.  Mr.  St. 
John  took  very  little  notice  of  my  return,  and  made  no 
reference  whatever  to  his  unlucky  note.  No  one  would 
have  supposed  he  entertained  the  slightest  objection  to  his 
cousin.  Not  that  he  acted  hypocritically:  he  made  no 
show  of  affection  for  Aylmer,  but  treated  him  with  the 
nicest  courtesy.  The  circle  of  neighbors  around  Laurel- 
wood  greeted  my  return  with  a  most  cordial  warmth,  and 
we  were  in  continual  demand.  I  had  observed  before  this 
the  peculiar  reserve  with  which  most  people  treated  Mr. 
St.  John,  or  rather  which  he  demanded  of  them.  He  was 
not  a  man  one  would  be  likely  to  take  liberties  with.  Mrs. 
Lawrence  they  drew  into  their  gayeties  as  if  quite  by  right, 
and  in  this  pleasant  social  atmosphere  Mr.  Channing  was 
instantly  included.  Invitations  poured  in  upon  us  as  thick 
as  at  Christmas  tide.  It  was  such  lovely  weather  for  rides 
and  drives  and  little  parties! 

"You  have  worked  a  wonderful  change  in  my  august 


152  SYDNIE   ADEIANCE,   OB 

cousin,"  Mr.  Charming  said  to  me.  "  Why,  he  is  quite  a 
civilized  being." 

"  You  overrate  my  influence,"  I  returned.  "I  have  found 
no  change  in  him  since  my  arrival." 

"Ah,  you  didn't  know  him  before.  And  Isabelle  told 
me  a  day  or  two  ago  that  he  had  gone  into  much  more 
society  since  Miss  Adriance  came." 

I  colored  a  little  at  this. 

"  He  would  be  stock  or  stone  if  he  did  not  pay  some 
tribute  to  your  charms,"  was  the  rejoinder,  to  which  I  made 
no  repl  v,. 

But  that  evening  Mr.  St.  John  departed  from  his  usual 
serene  mood.  We  had  been  talking  of  a  book  which  had 
interested  us  all  a  good  deal,  when  he  demolished  our  fa- 
vorite characters  with  some  of  his  sweeping  assertions, 
very  unjust,  I  thought,  and  the  two  had  a  rather  sharp 
skirmish. 

Aylmer  went  to  the  window,  presently,  complaining  of 
the  heat,  when  Mr.  St.  John  remarked,  in  a  sarcastic  tone, 
that  he  did  not  perceive  any  change  in  the  temperature. 

I  was  near  by,  and  could  not  resist  the  temptation  of 
saying,  purposely  for  his  ear,  — 

"Marble  generally  is  impervious  to  heat  or  cold." 

"  Thanks,"  he  returned,  with  a  scornful  little  smile. 
"  Perhaps  it  would  be  well  to  congratulate  you  on  the  same 
principle."  • 

"  I  haven't  been  in  this  atmosphere  long  enough  to  be- 
come petrified  ;  but  it  probably  would  occur  if  I  had  no 
alternative  beyond  remaining,"  I  answered,  sharply. 

"  How  fortunate  that  a  summer  sea  awaits  you  !  Of 
course  there  are  no  such  evils  as  tempests  under  your 
bland  sky." 

Aylmer  called  me  to  watch  the  curious  effect  of  some 
distant  light.  What  a  hard,  haughty  face  I  encountered 
as  I  passed ! 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  153 

I  begin  to  understand  what  Aylmer  meant  when  ho 
said  they  did  not  agree.  The  war  between  them  has 
been  fairly  inaugurated.  There  are  bitter  retorts  passing 
to  and  fro,  veiled  by  politeness  to  be  sure,  but  sheathed  in 
sarcasm.  Mr.  St.  John  acts  as  if  he  thought  his  cousin's 
fine  qualities  put  on  for  effect.  Aylmer  has  a  quick  eye 
.for  beauty,  and  glowing  descriptive  powers  that  in  some 
men  would  savor  of  affectation,  but  with  him  are  per* 
fectly  natural.  St.  John  points  these  with  irony  or  ridi- 
cule ;  and  if  Aylmer's  temper  were  not  the  sweetest  in  the 
world,  he  would  certainly  be  vexed. 

I  stood  on  the  balcony  in  my  riding  habit  one  morning^ 
waiting  for  the  horses,  Mr.  St.  John  rose  up  out  of  the 
vines. 

"  I  suppose  you  are  going  to  discover  another  smile  or 
dimple  in  the  face  of  your  beautiful  nature,"  he  said,  with 
an  irritating  curl  of  the  lip.  "  You  have  a  rare  interpre- 
ter in  your  attendant." 

"He  certainly  is,"  I  returned,  roused  to  warmth;  ua 
worshipper  whom  not  the  slightest  touch  of  grace  es- 
capes." 

"  Whether  it  be  in  a  pretty  woman  or  a  pretty  land- 
scape, a  well-shaped  hand,  or  an  harmoniously  colored 
tulip." 

His  comparisons  vexed  me  as  much  as  his  tone.  "  At 
least  he  is  your  cousin,"  I  said,  pointedly,  turning  my  eyes 
full  upon  him. 

"  I  am  at  a  loss  to  know  whether  that  is  intended  as  a 
compliment  for  him  or  myself." 

"It  was  not  meant  for  a  compliment  at  all,  merely  a 
reminder." 

"That  I  should  take  a  few  lessons  of  my  charming 
cousin?  become  a  regular  Jemmy  Jessamy,  flatter  and 
flirt,  carry  fans  and  perfumed  handkerchiefs  ?  " 


154  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

"  I  fancy  lie  possesses  some  virtues  not  quite  above  your 
comprehension." 

"Indeed,  I  thought  I  enumerated  the  prominent  traits." 

"You  are  determined  to  see  nothing  that  is  good ;  to 
pervert  and  ridicule  what  others  admire." 

"I  have  been  aware  for  some  time  of  the  direction  your 
approval  has  taken,  and  that  you  would  hardly  admit  calm 
reason  to  make  a  statement." 

"  Make  as  many  statements  as  you  like,"  I  said,  angrily, 
my  face  in  a  blaze  at  his  imputation. 

"At  least,  Miss  Adriance,  you  will  allow  that  the  ac- 
quaintance of  a  lifetime  is  better  worth  judging  from  than 
that  of  a  few  weeks.  Not  that  I  expect  to  have  the 
slightest  influence  over  you.  I  am  aware  that  one  hour  in 
Mr.  Channing's  fascinating  society  _would  eradicate  any 
other  impression." 

"  Women  are  more  easily  impressed  by  gentleness  and 
generosity,"  I  said,  turning  coldly  aside. 

"  Women  are  impressed  by  any  idle,  conceited  cox- 
comb, who  chooses  to  appeal  to  their  vanity,  pay  them, 
homage,  and  dangle  after  them  continually.  Tell  them 
the  truth,  and  they  will  hate  you  —  it  is  like  them  the 
world  over.  A  little  glitter  and  show  is  all  they  ask." 

"Your  experience  in  women  must  have  been  rather 
unfortunate,"  I  said,  in  a  sweet,  irritating  tone,  that  I  knew 
would  exasperate  him. 

He  flushed  and  frowned,  and  some  lightning  rays  of 
passion  shot  out  of  his  eyes.  His  lips  quivered,  but  made 
no  sound,  for  just  then  the  horses  were  led  around,  headed 
by  Aylmer,  who  had  been  superintending  some  changes 
in  the  equipment  of  mine. 

I  ran  down  the  steps  in  triumph,  flinging  back  a  dis- 
dainful smile. 

"Don't  you  envy  us,  Stuart?"  Aylmer  asked,  gayly. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  155 

"  Nature  is  in  holiday  apparel ;  her  heavens  are  blue, 
touched  with  floating  drifts  of  silver;  her  earth  an  en- 
chanter's realm,  and  the  air  is  rosemary  and  thyme." 

Mr.  St.  John  vouchsafed  no  reply.  We  mounted,  and 
rode  quickly  down  the  long  avenue.  Presently  Aylmer 
said, — 

"  So  Memnon  has  gone  back  to  his  voiceless  marble ! 
What  have  you  been  doing,  enchantress?" 

"Nothing  to  make  him  so  rude." 

"  How  majestically  sullen  he  was !  Do  you  know  I  half 
suspect  he  did  envy  me?" 

"  Not  on  my  account,"  I  said,  shortly. 

"  I  am  not  so  sure  of  that.  He  cannot  be  so  widely 
different  from  all  created  beings.  I  half  expected  to  hear 
him  order  you  to  your  room,  and  dismiss  me  on  the  spot. 
Every  morning  when  I  rise  I  look  on  my  dressing-table  to 
find  a  paper  duly  attested,  wherein  he  disowns  all  relation- 
ship to  one  Aylmer  Channing,  late  his  loving  cousin,  and 
requests  that  he  shall  be  no  more  troubled  with  such  de- 
lectable society." 

"  Not  quite  so  bad  as  that ; "  and  I  laughed.  I  liked 
this  ridiculous  exaggeration  much  better  than  sentiment, 
and  therefore  used  every  effort  to  keep  him  gay. 

I  confess  he  does  have  a  singular  effect  upon  me.  Every 
one  admires  him;  and  I  can  see  that  Mrs.  Lawrence  puta 
us  in  each  other's  way  continually.  Mr.  St.  John  does 
this  also.  It  piques  me  to  be  given  to  him  in  this  posi- 
tive manner,  as  if  I  had  no  other  resource.  Mr.  St.  John 
seems  to  shun  me.  We  might  as  well  be  at  the  antipodes 
for  any  real  interest  or  pleasure  we  are  to  each  other.  He 
is  hard,  icy,  and  impenetrable. 

I  believe  I  am  coming  to  a  serious  part  of  my  life.  The 
open  sea  seems  to  divide ;  and,  looking  down  one  stream, 
I  see  a  clear,  sunny,  rippling  tide,  whose  music  lulls  one 


156  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

to  a  restful  calm.  No  promise  of  storms  or  tempest,  no 
matter  how  distant.  The  other  is  full  of  frowning  rocks, 
disturbed  and  unquiet  shores,  where  it  would  require  all 
one's  strength  and  wisdom  to  guide  the  helm,  to  shun 
the  dangerous  ledges,  and  keep  the  bark  in  a  safe  channel. 

I  wonder  why  it  is,  but  I  have  a  misgiving  that  this 
sweetness  would  pall  upon  me  at  length — grow  utterly 
wearisome.  And  yet  it  is  what  most  women  like.  It  is 
in  my  path,  and  I  have  only  to  reach  out  my  hand  and 
accept;  for  Mr.  Channing  has  shown  his  love  in  many 
ways,  and  has  evinced  such  a  tender  consideration  for 
my  happiness.  He  has  youth,  rare  personal  endowments, 
wealth,  and  a  certain  winsomeness  that  attracts  friends  on 
every  side.  Few  would  fail  of  being  perfectly  happy  with 
him.  Why  does  it  nut  satisfy  me? 

Ah,  why  ?  Heart,  what  have  you  done  ?  Why  this 
wandering  in  gloomy  places  for  a  glance  from  perverse 
eyes  that  freeze  me  with  their  coldness?  Why  sip  this 
draught  of  bitter  rue  while  the  goblet  of  life's  sweetest 
wine  stands  untasted?  Weak  and  unwomanly  as  it  may 
be,  I  can  confess  here  to  myself,  with  no  other  eyes  to 
witness  my  humiliation,  that  I  do  care  for  one  to  whom  I 
am  as  nothing. 

He  has  attracted  me  strongly  from  the  very  sense  of 
invincible  power  that  is  generous  only  as  a  conqueror ; 
and  if  he  had  striven  to  subdue,  I  think  I  must  have 
yielded  eventually,  even  if  I  had  resisted  at  first.  Once 
or  twice  he  has  carried  me  along  the  current  of  his  im- 
petuous desires,  and  I  have  learned  how  sweet  it  was  to 
yield  to  so  superior  a  force.  But  does  he  care?  He  has 
been  unjust,  impatient,  cruel;  and  that  a  man  can  never 
be  to  the  woman  he  loves.  Ah,  dream  too  sweet  for  me ; 
the  thought  tortures  my  very  being! 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  157 

I  can  never  decide  with  any  certainty  upon  Mr.  St. 
John.  A  short  time  ago  he  threw  me  constantly  in  Ayl- 
mer  Channing's  society,  never  accompanied  us  anywhere, 
pleaded  urgent  business,  letters  to  write,  or  persons  to  see ; 
and  now  lie  lias  changed  inexplicably.  I  have  a  con- 
sciousness that  he  follows  me  everywhere.  I  catch  a 
glimpse  of  fierce,  restless  eyes  when  I  least  expect ;  and 
now  and  then  he  confronts  rne  in  a  manner  so  peculiar  that 
it  startles  me. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  has  had  the  house  full  of  company, 
though  I  believe  he  first  proposed  inviting  some  guests. 
We  have  had  outdoor  amusements;  and  within,  music, 
charades,  tableaux,  and  the  like.  It  has  been  quite  a  gala 
time ;  and  Aylmer  lias  proved  a  strong  attraction.  Mrs. 
Lawrence  admires  him  exceedingly. 

I  think  he  remarked  this  curious  surveillance,  for  one 
morning,  as  we  were  rambling  in  the  grounds,  he  spq.ke  of 
it.  I  laughed  at  first. 

"He  means  to  frighten  away  any  possible  lover  by 
those  portentous  looks,  and  keep  you  here  in  his  castle 
until  you  consent  to  become  humble  Esther  to  his  mag- 
nificence." 

"A  remarkably  distant  event,"  I  replied,  rather  curtly. 

"I  should  hope  so.  I  cannot  imagine  a  woman  loving 
him.  His  haughty  pride,  imperious  will,  and  cold,  dis- 
dainful nature,  his  lack  of  tenderness,  and  his  utter  ina- 
bility to  enjoy  the  highest  and  keenest  happiness,  would 
repel  any  true  woman." 

"Are  you  quite  just?"  I  ventured  to  say,  under  a  pas- 
sionate heart  throb. 

"Just?  Haven't  you  used  your  own  eyes?  Ah,  Miss 
Adiiance,  you  cannot  lead  me  very  far  astray  in  regard  to 
yourself.  He  is  barbarous  to  you  sometimes,  and  you 
suffer  from  it  as  any  high-toned,  sensitive  nature  would. 


158  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

I  know  him  so  well  that  his  sharp-pointed  shafts  never 
wound  me.  I  forgive  for  relation's  sake." 

Was  it  really  his  dainty,  generous  philosophy  ?  I  did 
not  want  to  misjudge  one  so  amiable,  and  yet  I  wondered 
how  deeply  he  could  be  wounded.  His  bright,  exuberant 
nature  seemed  akin  to  a  summer  day  with  its  great  waves 
of  sunshine,  singing  birds,  and  wafts  of  fragrance.  How 
would  it  be  in  winter  —  in  trouble  or  sorrow  ? 

"  Of  all  things  wonderful !  My  amiable  cousin  coming 
to  meet  us  I  He  has  certainly  developed  a  phase  of  jeal- 
ousy ; "  and  Aylmer  gave  a  light,  rippling  laugh. 

I  turned  suddenly  in  a  half  incredulous  mood.  Mr.  St. 
John  had  caught  the  sound.  O,  that  bitter  gesture  of 
contempt,  as  if  he  could  have  struck  some  one  to  the 
earth ;  those  scornful  eyes  dilated  and  sparkling !  What 
unseen  fire  fed  them  — jealousy  or  hate  ? 

Aylmer  opened  the  conversation  in  a  most  courteous 
manner.  I  debated  how  I  could  escape  from  them  both, 
for  I  knew  this  covert  peace  would  prove  of  short  dura- 
tion. But  when  I  would  have  left  them,  Mr.  St.  John 
Baid,  pointedly, — 

"Pardon  my  intrusion,  Miss  Adriance,  and  remain.  I 
am  the  unlucky  third." 

"  My  dear  cousin,  allow  me  to  appease  your  tender  con- 
science. Our  ramble  was  most  unimportant,  and  you  were 
no  interruption  whatever." 

I  fancy  he  did  not  like  the  tone,  for  Aylmer  gave  it  a 
peculiar  sound,  and  his  reply  was  sharp.  He  must  have 
been  strangely  out  of  humor.  I  was  really  glad  when  a 
turn  in  the  walk  brought  us  in  sight  of  the  house. 

Most  of  the  guests  had  left  us,  and  he  showed  a  dis- 
position to  retire  into  his  former  impassibility,  but  Aylmer 
was  really  tormenting  with  his  light  ridicule.  St.  John's 
ready  wit  seemed  to  have  deserted  him,  for,  though  he 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  159 

was  bitter,  his  adversary  gained  all  the  triumphs.  It  was 
excessively  wicked ;  but  I  really  enjoyed  seeing  him 
vanquished.  What  was  in  those  deep,  mysterious  eyes  ? 
Great  waves  of  something,  that  kept  coming  and  going 
with  phosphorescent  light,  showing  depths  and  heights, 
but  giving  no  clew  to  the  translation  thereof. 

Quite  late  in  the  evening  I  remember  I  was  lingering 
over  the  piano,  when  Aylmer  asked  him  a  question  about 
some  musical  composer.  He  had  been  making  a  pretence 
of  reading,  but  did  not  progress  very  rapidly,  if  one 
might  judge  from  the  slowness  with  which  the  leaves 
were  turned.  He  sat  now  quite  unconscious,  his  face 
compressed  with  some  strange,  strong  purpose. 

"  Stuart,  are  you  in  love  ? "  and  Aylmer's  dainty  lips 
gave  out  their  musical  ripple. 

He  started  up  nervously,  and  shot  a  rapid  glance 
around. 

"What  foolish  trifles  amuse  you,"  he  said,  haughtily. 

"  I  have  asked  one  question  half  a  dozen  times  at  least. 
I  know  of  nothing  else  that  can  render  a  man  so  oblivi- 
ous —  do  you,  Miss  Adriance  ?  " 

"I  am  not  experienced  in  such  matters,"  I  returned, 
confusedly. 

"  You  are,  at  least.  A  man  who  has  a  new  love  every 
month,  must  be  a  competent  judge ! "  and  St.  John  glanced 
at  him  scathingly. 

"  What  says  your  poet  ?  "  replied  the  other. 

«' '  "Tis  better  to  have  loved  and  lost, 
Than  never  to  have  loved  at  all ; ' 

and  then  it^doesn't  affect  one  so  powerfully  as  to  take 

away  one's  senses." 

"  Some  people  never  would  suffer  in  that  respect." 

"  Stuart,  you  have  been  in  a  most  unamiable  mood  all 


SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OK 

day.  Something  must  certainly  be  weighing  upon  your 
mind." 

"What  weak,  womanish  nonsense!"  "St.  John  declared, 
loftily.  "Since  love  and  its  accessories  suit  you  so  ad- 
mirably, keep  to  your  own  sphere.  You  will  find  suffi- 
cient attraction  in  it." 

The  look,  as  he  strode  out  of  the  room,  was  for  me. 
Scorn,  anger,  and  derisive  pity,  quite  as  if  he  despised  me. 
My  heart  was  under  my  feet  in  a  moment,  and  I  know  I 
repaid  him  glance  for  glance. 

"The  tiger  lias  been  caught  in  the  toils.  Bravo,  Miss 
Adriance ! "  Aylmer  said,  gayly;  but  I  turned  away, 
humiliated  and  pained  to  my  inmost  soul. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  161 


CHAPTER   XII. 

"  Ere  such  a  heart  regains  its  peaceful  state, 
How  often  must  it  love,  how  often  hate; 
How  often  hope,  despair,  resent,  regret, 
Conceal,  disdain  —  do  all  things  but  forget." 

POPE. 

MR.  ST.  JOHN  subsided  again  into  his  lofty  reserve.  He 
began  to -treat  me  with  a  studied  indifference,  as  if  I  was 
altogether  beneath  any  friendly  concern.  And  yet  it  was 
singular  how  attentive  he  was  in  any  point  of  duty.  Much 
as  he  and  Ayhner  bickered,  he  never  for  an  instant  forgot 
his  position  as  host,  or  made  his  guest  feel  that  he  was  an 
unwelcome  visitor. 

I  wished  that  Aylmer  had  not  been  quite  so  ready  to 
tease.  Mrs.  Lawrence  looked  upon  the  warfare  between 
them  as  a  matter  of  mere  amusement,  and  oftener  hastened 
to  the  rescue  of  her  cousin  than  that  of  her  brother,  though 
their  bitterest  encounters  had  generally  occurred  in  my 
presence.  But  one  morning,  at  the  breakfast  table,  when 
he  appeared  unusually  distraught,  Aylmer  said,  gayly,  — 

"  Cousin  Isabelle,  I  made  a  discovery  a  few  evenings 
ago." 

"  What  was  it,  pray  ?  "  and  she  smiled. 

"  That  Stuart  is  in  love.  He  has  grown  most  melancholy 
of  late." 

"  Like  other  diseases,  I  suppose,  the  older  one  is,  the 
more  severe  the  malady.  You  are  not  past  hope,"  and  she 
glanced  at  him  with  a  glimmer  of  amusement. 

"  As  if  there  was  nothing  to  a  man's  life  but  this  insane 
11 


162  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

folly !"  he  retorted,  in  a  sharp,  bitter  tone.  "  I  believe  the 
world  runs  mad  on  the  subject.  When  you  find  me  com- 
mitting such  a  stupendous  blunder  it  will  be  time  to  laugh ; 
at  present  I  have  no  such  intentions." 

There  was  an  awkward  silence  for  a  moment,  but  Mrs- 
Lawrence  covered  it  with  her  usual  ready  tact. 

I  sat  still,  chilled  in  some  inexplicable  way.  I  knew  she 
had  never  considered  him  a  marrying  man,  or  likely  to  be 
attracted  by  any  woman.  O,  what  wild,  fatal  dreams  I 
had  been  indulging  in! — dashed  to  a  pitiless  ruin  at  a 
word.  How  was  I  to  recover,  to  retrieve  my  pride,  to  cast 
off  this  influence  that  had  begun  to  envelop  me  so  closely? 
I  rose  slowly,  every  pulse  filled  with  keenest  anguish.  As 
I  passed  him,  he  turned  his  cold  eyes  full  upon  me.  Not  a 
ray  of  light  or  tenderness  —  I  must  find  my  way  alone  out 
of  this  labyrinth,  endure  my  tortures  without  a  moan. 

Well,  I  would  conquer.  No  one  should  ever  penetrate 
the  depths  of  my  soul  for  this  secret.  I  would  uproot  it  to 
the  uttermost  fibre.  More  than  all,  I  would  make  myself 
happy.  I  plunged  into  a  brilliant  mood,  and  for  the  re- 
mainder of  the  day  was  extravagantly  gay,  but  this  did  not 
escape  his  bitter  comments.  They  touched  me  to  the  very 
soul,  an  1  as  lie  sauntered  majestically  away,  tears  of  pas- 
sionate pain  sprang  to  my  eyes. 

"  My  darling,  what  has  my  barbarous  cousin  been  snying 
to  you?"  and  the  soft,  sweet  voice  fell  on  my  strained  and' 
tortured  nerves  like  fragrant  balm,  softer  and  sweeter  than 
ever  before.  "Sydnie,  I  must  say  it  now  —  I  love  you 
with  the  tenderest  affection  of  a  man's  heart.  Day  after 
day  I  have  lingered  in  the  hope  of  finding  some  moment 
when  you  would  listen.  You  must  have  fancied  —  " 

My  breath  came  in  gasps. 

"Hush!"  I  said.  "Your  pity  has  been  stirred  —  your 
sympathy  aroused  —  " 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  163 

"But  I  loved  from  the  first  moment  that  I  saw  you. 
Nay,  I  shall  take  no  refusal,  my  darling.  I  will  wait,  but  I 
feel  that  you  must  be  mine  at  last.  In  my  love  you  shall 
be  shielded  from  the  slightest  cloud  or  shadow  ;  not  a  harsh 
word  or  a  frown  shall  ever  invade  the  sacred  precincts  of 
our  affection.  I  have  longed  to  say  this  so  often,  so  often  ! 
I  have  dared  to  dream,  to  hope.  Must  it  go  for  nothing? 
I  have  treasured  looks  and  tones,  and  believed  that  you  of 
all  others  could  not  be  insincere;  could  not  betray  with  so 
dear  a  smile." 

I  felt  the  rain  of  kisses  on  hair  and  brow,  and  experienced 
a  thrill  of  delight  at  the  thought  of  being  so  precious  to 
one  fond  heart ;  and  like  a  flash  all  my  wants  and  desires 
were  unveiled  to  my  own  soul.  I  seemed  to  look  at  my- 
self in  this  extremity  with  sad,  powerless  eyes  and  nerve- 
less hands.  Why  not  drift  with  the  current?  Would  the 
salvation  be  worth  the  struggle? 

Once  in  a  hundred  times  perhaps  a  woman  might  attain 
to  Pisgah  heights  through  the  influence  of  a  soul  strung 
enough  to  master  hers  and  take  it  into  guidance.  This 
could  never  be  my  happy  lot.  I  had  missi-d  the  destiny 
that  might  have  moulded  me  into  the  completeness  I  knew 
J  was  capable  of  attaining.  So  what  matter? 

I  knew  there  was  one  side  of  my  nature  that  Aylmer 
Channing's  grace,  and  beauty,  and  tender  winsomeucss 
could  never  touch.  In  some  moods  I  should  be  forever 
alone.  I  could  neMor  rise  to  any  great  heights ;  but  was 
that  absolutely  necessary  for  a  woman  ?  This  continual 
straining  alter  unknown  good  produced  dissatisfaction,  im- 
patience, weariness.  Why  not  enjoy  the  bright  portion  of 
life,  and  let  these  puzzling  speculations  become  food  for 
essayists  and  reformers?  I  did  like  him;  might  it  not 
reach  the  heaven  of  love  at  last? 

"  Be  patient  with  me,"  I  said  at  length.  "  I  cannot 
answer  you  now." 


164  SYDNIB   ADRIANCE,   OB 

"  My  darling,  if  you  rcould  only  find  rest  in  my  heart. 
Every  pulse  of  it  beats  for  you  alone.  I  will  wait ;  but  I 
must  hope.  Do  not  forbid  that." 

The  lustrous  eyes,  suffused  with  tenderest  passion,  won 
me  against  myself.  The  smooth  flowery  stream  was  des- 
tined to  be  mine. 

I  slept  but  little  that  night,  so  engrossed  was  I  with  the 
events  that  seemed  to  press  upon  me  with  their  momen- 
tous importance.  If  I  could  only  shift  the  responsibility, 
if  I  dared  ask  counsel  of  one  in  whom  I  had  a  curious, 
absolute  faith,  in  spite  of  our  utter  lack  of  agreement. 
That  was  quite  impossible,  however. 

After  all,  how  quietly  the  greatest  difficulties  settle  them- 
selves !  Before  noon  of  the  next  day  Aylmer  had  made 
Mrs.  Lawrence  his  confidant,  and  she  came  to  congratu- 
late me. 

"  I  am  not  actually  engaged,"  I  said. 

She  was  persistently  sweet  and  persuasive.  Aylmer's 
graces  lost  nothing  at  her  hands,  and  his  love  was  set  forth 
with  an  eloquence  of  which  I  had  hardly  deemed  her  capa- 
ble. She  made  it  appear  the  very  thing  I  had  desired,  the 
great  good  and  blessing  of  my  future  life.  Listening  to 
her,  my  scruples  grew  weaker,  my  wearied  brain  and  heart 
lapsed  into  peace,  thankful  for  a  resting-place  at  last;  and 
when  I  found  how  deeply  Aylmer's  heart  was  engrossed,  I 
had  not  the  courage  to  array  an  army  of  paltry  objections. 

A  strange,  sweet  atmosphere  surrounded  me  for  a  day 
or  two,  then  the  tempest  broke  forth.  I  was  alone  in  the 
library  when  Mr.  St.  John  entered,  his  face  pale,  but  his 
eyes  glittering  with  half-suppressed  passion. 

I  glanced  up  from  my  book  with  the  presentiment  of 
a  crisis. 

"May  I  command  your  attention  fora  few  moments?" 
he  asked,  rather  loftily. 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  165 

"Command/"  The  word  stnng  me.  My  lip  curled  with 
resentment  as  I  replied,  coldly,  "I  await  your  pleasure." 

"Am  I  to  understand  that  Mr.  Channing  is  authorized 
by  you  to  ask  my  consent  to  an  engagement  between  you 
and  himself?  " 

"  lie  is,"  I  said,  haughtily;  and  I  felt  my  eyes  kindling. 

"  If  not  too  impertinent  a  question,  I  should  like  to  know 
how  long  he  has  been  your  favorite  lover  ?  " 

There  was  a  little  sneer  in  this  that  roused  me,  but  T 
kept  my  temper. 

"  We  have  been  engaged  a  few  days,  if  that  is  what  you 
mean,"  I  said ;  and  then  I  glanced  out  of  the  window,  with 
an  indifferent  air. 

"  I  preferred  hearing  this  from  you,  that  I  might  know 
in  what  light  to  consider  it." 

"  Had  you  any  doubt  ?  "  I  asked,  scornfully. 

"  I  did  not  know  how  far  an  undue  susceptibility  and  a 
large  share  of  vanity  might  lead  a  young  man  who  makes 
fascination  a  study." 

"  You  had  no  right  to  question  it.  It  is  like  your  usual 
generosity." 

He  made  an  angry  gesture,  and  frowned  in  a  sharp,  im- 
perious manner. 

"And  this  absurd  child's  play  was  with  your  consent?" 

"If  you  mean  by  that,"  I  returned,  burning  with  indig- 
nation, "  that  children  only  can  understand  and  appreciate 
the  best  gifts  of  life,  love,  and  tenderness,  I  hope  we  shall 
never  attain  to  your  cold,  narrow,  selfish  ideal." 

"Children!  Love!  Miss  Adriance,  it  takes  a  man's 
heart  to  receive  the  impression  of  this  indelible  tenderness 
and  ardent  affection,  akin  to  the  infinite ;  and  it  requires 
the  purely  developed  soul  of  a  woman  to  appreciate  and 
return  such  love." 

"  Indeed.     Have  you  been  studying  the  subject? " 


166  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"I  am  aware  that  with  many,  a  man  is  simply  a  fashion- 
able butterfly,  who  dances  elegantly,  has  his  mind  well 
stored  with  small  talk,  vapid  us  his  own  brain,  and  makes 
his  body  a  walking  advertisement  of  the  latest  fashions. 
I  cannot  comprehend  the  purpose  of  such  men's  lives,  unless 
it  be  to  flatter  foolish  women  and  flirt." 

"  Your  knowledge  of  the  world  is  varied  as  well  as  ex- 
tensive." 

"  Of  late  I  have  seen  some  interesting  subjects  for 
study." 

"I  hope  they  have  repaid  your  profound  attention." 

There  was  a  pause,  in  which  we  both  took  breath. 
Every  moment  I  seemed  to  hate  him  more  bitterly,  and 
yet  how  magnificent  he  looked,  his  arms  folded  upon  his 
broad  chest,  his  brow  white  with  passion,  and  his  e'yes 
fairly  blazing.  How  he  could  temper  and  control  himself! 
He  fairly  extorted  my  admiration. 

"Am  I  to  believe  you  sufficiently  infatuated  to  think 
Aylmer  honestly  desires  this  engagement?" 

"  Call  it  infatuation,  or  any  name  you  choose,  it  cannot 
make  the' love  less  a  fact." 

"His  love  a  fact !     I  gave  you  credit  for  better  sense !  " 

O,  the  withering  contempt  in  the  tone !  It  roused  me 
to  white  heat. 

"Because  I  am  not  misanthropic  enough  to  doubt,  be- 
cause I  know  the  reality  of  this  feeling  in  hearts  still 
human,  and  accept  the  offering,  you  taunt  me  with  a  lack 
of  sense.  "What  have  you  to  say  against  his  love  ?  What 
can  you  say  ?  " 

"  What  can  I  say?  One  important  truth.  He  has  flirted 
from  heart  to  heart,  loved  dozens  with  the  same  passionate 
admiration  that  he  offers  you,  bowed  at  every  shrine  that 
came  in  his  way.  In  six  months  he  will  weary  of  you." 

"It  is  false!"    I  said,  passionately.     "You  are  unjust, 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  167 

suspicions,  and  prejudiced.  Because  your  cousin  is  not 
cast  in  your  narrow  mould,  you  are  resolved  to  see  no 
virtue  in  him.  All  we  ask  of  you  is  a  simple  assent." 

"  Suppose  I  refuse  for  the  present?" 

"  We  can  wait.  I  Lave  no  fear,  although  you  are  so 
doubtful." 

"Very  well,"  he  said,  coolly.  "The  matter  may  remain 
in  abeyance  for  some  time.  Perhaps  your  eyes  will  grow 
clearer." 

I  sprang  up,  roused  in  every  pulse.  Did  he  dare  to  dis- 
play his  fancied  power  over  me  in  that  fashion  ? 

"  I  ought  to  be  flattered  by  this  solicitude,  seeing  what  ex- 
cellent reasons  you  can  give  for  your  unmanly  vigilance." 

"Miss  Adriance,  be  calm,  I  beg  of  you.  Just  now  you 
have  been  caught  by  a  little  glitter  and  show,  and  you  have 
not  had  sufficient  experience  to  distinguish  between  the 
false  and  the  true.  In  three  months  you  will  weary  of  the 
bond  yourself.  You  really  do  not  know  what  love  is." 

The  cool  contempt  stung  me.  His  piercing  eyes  were 
turned  full  upon  me,  and  I  felt  mine  shrink  from  the  glance. 
Could  he  read  my  heart,  see  how  I  had  wavered  .between 
love  and  pride  and  resentment?  Even  now  I  felt  myself 
in  his  power,  and  longed  to  free  my  soul  from  the  unworthy 
bondage  —  for  it  icas  unworthy.  What  did  he  care  whether 
I  was  happy  or  miserable  ?  He  would  not  so  much  as  raise 
his  finger  to  add  to  my  comfort;  but  instead,  torture  me 
by  cruel  words  and  unjust  suspicions.  I  tried  to  steady 
my  voice,  which  I  hardly  dared  trust,  and  said,  with  cold 
calmness, — 

"Very  well,  we  will  wait." 

A  strange  expression  flitted  over  his  face.  It  seemed  to 
me  that  he  was  almost  disappointed  at  my  resolve. 

I  took  up  my  book  again,  and  presently  he  left  the  room. 
Not  too  soon,  indeed,  for  my  eyes  were  full  of  bitter,  pas- 


168  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OR 

sionnte  tears.  The  life  I  wanted  to  mnke  so  happy  and 
complete,  so  worthy  of  true  existence,  stretched  out  before 
me  a  miserable  failure.  Not  the  conclusion  that  I  most 
desired ;  and  yet  I  must  take  it  up  and  make  it  my  sole 
earthly  good. 

When  I  recovered  my  self-possession,  I  went  to  Mrs. 
Lawrence's  room  to  learn  the  meaning  of  Mr.  St.  John's 
resolve.  I  found  her  flushed  and  nervous  also. 

"My  dear  Sydnie,"  she  began,  with  a  forced  smile,  "this 
has  been  a  rather  awkward  and  unfortunate  explanation. 
Aylmer  feels  dreadfully  about  it.  The  truth  is,  Stuart  in- 
dulges in  some  strange  notions  about  his  right  of  guardian- 
ship; and  when  he  takes  a  freak  in  his  head  he  is  queer 
and  unreasonable.  As  if  a  girl  of  nineteen  did  not  know 
her  own  mind !  I  am  absolutely  vexed.  And  his  objec- 
tions to  Aylmer  are  so  trifling  —  so  unjust.  He  never  was 
a  great  favorite  with  my  brother." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  haughtily,  "  we  can  wait.  Time  will 
prove  who  is  right." 

"  Aylmer  has  been  quite  gay,  to  be  sure,"  she  went  on, 
rather  deprecatingly ;  "  and  young  men  with  his  attractions 
can  hardly  help  flirting  a  little.  I  have  no  doubt  about  his 
regard  for  you,  and  he  will  convince  Stuart  of  its  truth. 
This  is  carrying  animosity  too  far." 

"  He  expresses  some  solicitude  for  me,  also,"  I  returned, 
scornfully. 

"My  dear,  don't  let  this  distress  you;"  and  there  was 
a  tenderness  in  her  tone  that  sounded  like  real  affection. 
"Above  all  things,  do  not  distrust  Aylmer.  You  possess 
so  many  charms  that  you  appeal  to  both  sense  and  soul. 
I  have  been  talking  with  him,  and  he  certainly  is  a  most 
enraptured  lover,  quite  up  to  your  ideal,"  and  she  smiled. 

"I  shall  not  doubt  him,  unless  he  gives  me  just  cause," 
I  answered,  gravely,  with  a  consciousness  that  he  was  not 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  169 

exactly  my  ideal,  and  a  certain  forlorn  sense  of  being 
astray  in  the  path  where  it  was  of  the  highest  impor- 
tance to  be  right. 

"  Stuart  was  brought  up  in  such  an  odd,  hermit  fashion, 
that  he  hardly  understands  the  real  world.  His  opinions 
of  love  and  marriage  are  crude  and  unreasonable  ;  indeed, 
he  hasn't  much  faith  in  any  one's  regard.  He  can  be  very 
good  and  generous,  but  the  softer  graces  of  life  never  seem 
to  cling  to  him.  We  agree  very  well,  because  we  go  our 
separate  ways,  and  never  seek  to  convert  the  other  to  any 
particular  opinion.  But  in  this  matter  I  found  him  un- 
usually perverse.  He  has  not  a  particle  of  sympathy 
with  lovers.  I  wish  he  had  married  like  any  ordinary 
mortal." 

"  You  do  not  think  he  will  ?  " 

I  uttered  this  with  a  kind  of  breathless  pang,  and  waited 
for  her  answer,  as  though  it  might  be  of  momentous  im- 
port. 

"  O,  no,  my  dear.  He  is  looking  for  impossibilities  in  a 
woman.  He  will  never  find  the  right  union  of  strength 
and  pliancy,  self-dependence  and  tender,  yielding  grace, 
wisdom,  intelligence,  beauty,  —  in  short,  perfection.  Then 
he  thinks  all  women  more  or  less  mercenary,  and  actuated 
by  selfish  motives.  As  if  it  was  not  proper  to  do  the  best 
one  could  with  one's  life !  Men  always  consider  this 
point." 

"  But  men  do  often  love  disinterestedly,"  I  said,  slowly. 
"And  if  we  made  ourselves  better  companions  for  them, 
were  not  so  continually  filled  with  trifles  and  excitements, 
and  convinced  them  that  we  were  capable  of  reaching  a 
high  point  of  excellence  —  " 

"  I  thought  you  had  outgrown  this  foolish  romance ; " 
and  she  laughed  lightly.  "  You  will  generally  find  that 
these  studious,  speculative  men  worship  a  high  ideal  in 


170  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

their  brain,  and  end  by  marrying  some  silly  doll  who  has 
hardly  the  taste  to  dress  well.  I  am  glad  you  have  chosen 
so  wisely;  for  I  used  to  have  a  little  fear  about  you.  I 
know  you  cannot  fail  of  being  happy  with  so  charming  and 
genial  a  nature." 

"  I  still  think  that  I  do  not  desire  to  trifle  away  my  whole 
life.  Holidays  are  well  enough,  but  one  docs  not  want 
them  forever.  We  are  censured  for  being  vapid  and  super- 
ficial, and  accomplishing  no  real  good  in  the  world." 

"  Men  must  ridicule  something,  and  sneer  a  little,  or  they 
would  hardly  be  men.  But  they  all  like  laces  better  than 
Latin  in  a  lady's  boudoir,  and  enjoy  flounces  more  than 
philosophy.  It  is  best  to  leave  these  grave  matters  to 
clergymen  and  essayists.  The  world  must  have  something 
to  talk  about." 

She  always  treated  serious  endeavors  in  this  light,  in- 
different fashion.  In  one  sense  her  life  had  been  a  perfect 
success :  she  had  hosts  of  warm  friends,  a  splendid  posi- 
tion, was  admired,  and  could  have  won  lovers  by  the  score 
had  she  so  chosen.  Men  of  intellect  and  genius  always 
paid  her  marked  attention — I  had  noticed  that.  She 
could  converse  well  and  gracefully,  but  hers  was  not  a  high 
order  of  mind.  And  then  I  thought  of  Laura's  triumphs. 
Was  there  any  veal  discrimination  in  the  world  ? 

She  was  summoned  to  the  drawing-room  by  the  advent 
of  some  visitors.  Passing  me,  she  kissed  my  forehead, 
and  begged  me  not  to  be  unhappy. 

"  Stuart  will  soon  be  aware  of  his  folly  and  unreasona- 
bleness." 

That  did  not  comfort  me.  I  was  in  a  state  of  dissatis- 
faction and  tumult.  My  anger  against  Mr.  St.  John  seemed 
to  be  dying  out.  What  if  he  should  be  right? 

O,  what  was  I  doing  ?  Since  I  had  allowed  myself  to 
drift  into  this  engagement,  pride,  at  least,  demanded  that 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  171 

I  should  be  true.  I  said  decisively  that  I  would  learn  to 
love;  my  heart  should  yield  its  sweet  meed  to  the  one 
who  deserved  the  treasure. 

Mr.  St.  John  insisted  that  there  should  be  no  announce- 
ment of  the  engagement  before  autumn,  and  that  we  should 
both  consider  ourselves  perfectly  free.  I  acquiesced  with 
a  haughty  silence ;  Ayliner  was  very  indignant,  and  Mrs. 
Lawrence  annoyed. 

I  believe  I  did  enjoy  Aylmer's  devotion  for  the  next 
few  days.  He  claimed  his  right  of  possessorship  with  a 
certain  hesitancy  that  I  did  not  like  as  well  as  a  more 
masterful  resolution.  Is  there  an  instinctive  desire  in  most 
women  to  have  the  power  taken  out  of  their  hands,  to 
plejise  themselves  by  chafing  against  a  chain  that  in  their 
inmost  hearts  they  acknowledge  to  be  a  precious  bond  ? 

I  had  no  sense  of  this  :  I  was  free,  too  free.  Generosity 
and  principle  mtist  sway  me  henceforth. 

Two  months  ago  I  had  met  Aylmer  Channing,  little 
dreaming  then  how  intimately  he  was  to  be  concerned  in 
my  destiny.  We  parted  tenderly  —  fondly;  and  when  he 
was  gone  I  felt  lost  and  solitary  in  the  extreme. 

I  had  heard  from  my  friend  Anne  :  her  short  tour  ended, 
they  had  returned  and  taken  possession  of  their  new  home, 
and  everything  was  most  pleasant.  Mr.  Otis  had  decided 
to  assume  the  charge  of  Walter's  education,  which  was 
exceedingly  generous.  Mamma  would  be  relieved  of  much 
care :  the  old  home  ties  were  evidently  the  strongest.  I 
fancied  she  was  making  an  effort  to  be  happy  —  playing 
with  shadows;  but  I  could  no  longer  blame. 

We  went  back  to  the  old  routine,  and  began  to  make 
plans  for  the  summer.  I  was  not  anxious  for  Newport, 
and,  as  there  was  no  husband  to  win,  Mrs.  Lawrence  pro- 
posed short  journeys  to  several  points  of  interest,  which 
appeared  very  pleasant  to  me.  I  began  to  experience  a 


172  SYDNIE  ADRTANCE,   OB 

strange  craving  for  excitement.  Sulphur  Springs,  Old 
Point  Comfort,  and  Cape  May  were  laid  down  in  our 
route. 

In  September  Philip  was  to  be  married.  I  cannot  con- 
ceive of  a  lovelier  picture  than  Ellen  in  her  radiant  con- 
tentment. I  was  forced  to  confess  that  there  was  something 
I  lacked,  and  it  gave  me  a  pang  of  anguish.  Would  I  ever 
learn  my  lesson  ? 

Mr.  St.  John  treated  me  to  a  sort  of  satirical  patronage. 
I  had  been  wild  indeed  to  fancy  his  regnrd  anything  be- 
yond the  considerate  care  he  believed  he  owed  me.  And 
yet  there  had  been  moments  of  madness  when  flushing 
cheek  and  kindling  eye  stirred  every  pulse  of  my  being: 
some  words  that  I  could  never  forget;  had  they  any 
meaning?  Cold  as  marble  he  seemed  now,  superbly  in- 
different to  any  pain  or  joy  that  I  could  give. 

There  was  one  day  on  which  these  remembrances  thronged 
about  me  with  a  peculiar  force.  Just  one  year  before  I 
had  come  to  Laurelwood.  Mr.  St.  John  went  away  in  the 
morning ;  Mrs.  Lawrence  was  busy  selecting  her  dresses, 
and  pointing  out  alterations  to  be  made;  and  I,  having 
nothing  to  do,  roamed  through  the  shady  walks  and  lin- 
gered by  the  sparkling  fountains.  A  soft,  droning  mur- 
mur filled  the  air,  and  steeped  one  in  delicious  languor. 
How  heavenly  beautiful  the  place  was !  I  recalled  so  dis- 
tinctly my  first  sensations,  and  the  pleasure  they  had  af- 
forded Mr.  St.  John.  We  had  not  harmonized,  and  he 
would  be  glad  to  have  me  go,  doubtless.  But  how  could 
I  leave  this  Paradise?  Ah,  he  would  never  guess  the 
pang. 

I  felt  ashamed  of  myself  for  the  weakness.  It  had  been 
my  misfortune  to  meet  a  man  whom,  if  fate  had  been 
kinder,  I  could  have  loved  with  my  whole  soul.  I  told 
my  heart  the  truth  this  day.  But  a  gulf  divided  us.  In 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  173 

the  Babel-like  confusion  that  had  intervened,  our  languages 
had  changed,  and  \ve  were  never  to  understand  one  another 
again.  The  tower  that  might  have  gone  skyward  with 
sweetest  hopes  and  anticipations,  lay  a  mass  of  ruins  at  my 
feet.  From  the  fragments  I  must  construct  a  new  temple, 
alas !  of  the  earth,  earthy.  The  dim  aspirations  that  had 
whispered  to  my  soul  of  its  better  portion  were  to  be 
hushed  —  thrust  out  as  phantoms  of  the  past.  A  long, 
wearisome  march  lay  before  me  :  if  I  could  brighten  it 
with  love,  well;  if  not,  then  Heaven  help  me! 

I  clasped  my  hands  in  a  cry  of  supplication  —  longing 
to  do,  yet  vexed  and  hindered  by  all  about  me.  This  was 
the  record  of  a  year. 

All  along  my  future  life,  at  intervals,  there  would  rise  a 
white  stone,  a  monument  for  a  lost  hope.  The  glad  joy 
of  the  old  days  stood  apart.  I  was  walking  lonesomely 
along  between  doubt  and  fear,  the  solemn  music  of  the 
deep  sea  rolling  between,  the  shores  widening. 


174  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 


CHAPTER  XIH. 

"  The  eyes  will  not  see  when  the  heart  wishes  them  to  be  blind.    Desire  con- 
ceals truth  as  darkness  does  the  earth."  SENECA. 

WE  had  a  very  pleasant  summer.  The  Grahams  were 
at  the  Springs,  their  usual  resort.  It  was  so  different  from 
Newport.  A  quaint,  old-fashioned  courtesy  was  noticeable 
in  most  of  the  gentlemen,  the  majority  of  them  middle- 
aged  and  heads  of  families ;  in  the  younger  ones  a  certain 
chivalrous  spirit,  not  formalized  to  the  rigorous  require- 
ments of  fashion. 

Then  the  jaunting  around  strange  places  interested  me: 
dreamy  sails  on  the  beautiful  bay,  winding  around  low, 
velvety  shores,  or  sand  barrens  that  sparkled  in  the  sum- 
mer sunlight;  foliage,  rich  and  deep,  vivid  in  color,  and 
varied  by  a  thousand  blooms;  and  the  broad  ocean,  that 
one  never  wearies  of;  the  same,  and  yet  ever  changing. 

At  Cape  May  we  found  quite  a  host  of  notabilities.  I 
•was  more  than  ever  struck  with  Mrs.  Lawrence's  tact  and 
power  to  please.  She  reminds  me  of  old  tales  of  those 
wonderful  French  queens  of  society,  who  ruled  with  a 
smile  and  a  nod.  And  yet  it  seems  singular  that  a  woman 
should  care  so  little  for  love.  I  cannot  understand  it.  I 
wonder  if  I  am  weak  to  long  for  it  so  intensely!  Life 
would  become  an  utter  failure  to  me  without  some  satisfy- 
ing happiness. 

Ayhner  was  a  constant  correspondent.  His  letters  were 
glowing  with  love  and  expectation,  and  I  felt  myself  in- 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  175 

sensibly  drawn  towards  him.  The  Channings  had  gone 
north,  and  made  a  brief  sojourn  at  Newport :  while  there 
Aylmer  had  met  Miss  Gertrude  Hastings,  who  was  turning 
•every  one's  head  with  her  loveliness.  Mrs.  Varick  was  still 
abroad. 

Mr.  St.  John  had  been  kind  and  companionable,  but  I 
had  shunned  him  considerably;  I  cannot  tell  exactly  why, 
only  that  he  seemed  always  studying  me,  and  I  came  to 
have  a  nervous,  apprehensive  feeling  regarding  him.  His 
eyes  go  down  to  the  depths  of  one's  nature  in  those  swift, 
lightning  glances,  and  I  hardly  felt  sure  enough  of  myself 
to  thus  tolerate  another's  inspection. 

We  had  barely  reached  Laurehvood  and  resumed  our 
accustomed  state,  when  Mrs.  Westervelt  and  Philip  pre- 
sented themselves.  What  a  rush  of  old  memories  flooded 
my  heart  at  the  sight  of  that  sweet  face !  She  was  so  happy 
in  her  son's  joy,  so  fond,  so  thoroughly  comfortable,  that  I 
half  envied  Ellen  the  mother  she  was  to  find. 

At  Mont  Argyle  they  had  become  quite  reconciled  to 
Ellen's  departure.  Some  news  greeted  me  on  my  first  visit 
there  that  gave  me  a  sudden  start  of  astonishment.  Hugh 
had  comforted  himself  with  a  bonnie  Scotch  lassie,  and 
would  bring  home  his  wife  by  Christmas  tide.  Ellen  re- 
joiced in  this,  and  I  was  unfeignedly  glad.  Yet  a  peculiar 
feeling  blended  with  the  satisfaction.  In  this  brief  while 
he  had  forgotten  his  love  for  me  —  that  he  thought  of  the 
unchangeable  —  and  his  ambition.  lie  had  been  found 
worthy,  of  some  other  woman's  affection,  and  there  his 
quest  ended. 

It  was  right,  of  course.  I  had  not  held  out  the  slightest 
hope,  and  the  old  dreams  of  me  could  be  fraught  with 
pain  only.  Was  love  anything  beyond  a  present  satisfac- 
tion ?  Out  of  story-books  did  it  last,  remaining  more 
faithful  to  a  dead  hope  than  a  living  pleasure  ?  I  felt  like 


176  SYDNIE   ADRIAXCE,   OK 

asking,  with  Wallenstein,  "What  pang  is  permanent  with 
man  ?  " 

It  is  well  that  we  can  deck  the  old  grave  with  new  roses. 
Are  we  not  all  creatures  of  transient  emotions  ?  So  I  gave 
Hugh  a  sister's  benediction. 

They  were  decidedly  gay  at  Mont  Argyle.  Troops  of 
young  people,  three  bridesmaids  elect  and  their  attendants, 
for  Mrs.  Graham  desired  that  everything  should  be  done 
in  a  manner  befitting  their  position.  Ellen  was  grave, 
but  sweet.  Mrs.  Westervelt  thought  her  charming.  I 
compared  this  with  my  one  experience,  and  felt  that  here 
was  promise  of  happiness  indeed. 

There  was  a  good  deal  of  going  backwards  and  for- 
wards. Philip  was  my  attendant,  generally.  We  took  up 
our  old  social  intimacy,  and  I  found  very  much  to  enjoy. 
Even  Mr.  St.  John  thawed  in  this  rich  and  genial  atmos- 
phere. 

Philip  and  I  were  riding  one  afternoon  —  his  last  day 
of  grace,  I  called  it,  for  on  the  morrow  he  was  to  go  to 
Mont  Argyle,  and  emerge  from  thence  a  Benedict.  lie 
had  been  unusually  silent  for  some  time,  watching  me 
closely.  I  confess  my  spirits  were  rather  riotous. 

"What  is  there  so  peculiar  about  me?"  I  asked,  at 
length. 

He  suffered  his  rein  to  fall  loosely  over  his  horse's  neck, 
and  glanced  up,  with  a  sorrowful  light  in  his  clear,  hazel  eyes. 

"  There  is  always  something  peculiar  about  you  —  dif- 
ferent from  other  women." 

"I  hate  those  compliments,"  I  said,  shortly.  "I  have- 
not  the  vanity  to  consider  myself  better,  so  the  comparison 
is  equivocal." 

"  I  fancied  once  that  I  held  the  clew  to  your  nature. 
Some  maze  has  been  too  tortuous  for  me.  St.  John  said 
something  this  morning  that  astonished  me  greatly." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  177 

I  felt  my  face  crimson.  What  right  had  Mr.  St.  John 
to  discuss  me  Avith  his  friend  ? 

"  Don't  be  vexed,"  he  returned,  as  if  he  understood  the 
feeling  which  actuated  me.  "  I  half  guessed,  and  made 
him  speak  against  his  will.  About  this  fancy  —  " 

"  You  must  have  been  vastly  amused  by  the  description 
of  a  young  woman's  love  affairs,"  I  interrupted,  with  a  bit- 
ter smile.  "Mr.  St.  John  has  displayed  a  fine  sense  of 
honor ! " 

"  I  will  not  have  you  blame  him.  The  fault  was  as 
much  mine.  And  we  discussed  nothing.  He  spoke  of  this 
fancy  —  " 

"  Since  it  hurts  his  tender  conscience,  I  will  call  it  by 
its  right  name.  Early  last  summer  I  became  engaged  to 
lu's  cousin,  Mr.  Channing;  but  as  he  did  not  approve  suf- 
ficiently, we  are  waiting  with  the  utmost  patience," 

"Ami  you  love  this  Mr.  Channing?" 

"  I  will  not  submit  to  be  questioned  or  dictated  to,"  I 
returned,  angrily.  "  Whatever  choice  I  make  is  for  myself 
alone." 

"  Sydnie ! " 

"  Am  I  incapable  of  judging  what  is  proper  for  myself? 
Do  I  understand  my  own  feelings  at  all  ?  " 

"  Do  you  ? "  The  grave,  tender  face  was  turned  to- 
wards me,  with  an  appealing  expression  that  smote  me 
bitterly, 

"  You  may  have  judged  from  false  premises,"  he  went 
on,  in  a  softer  tone.  "  We  all  make  mistakes  sometimes." 

"I  believe  Mr.  Channing  is  a  gentleman.  Mrs.  Law- 
rence approves  rny  choice." 

"  And  you  confess  that  Mr.  St.  John  does  not?  " 

"  He  is  unreasonable,  and  blinded  by  foolish  prejudices." 

"I  met  Mr.  Channint'  in  August.     I  will  concede  that 

o  o 

he  is  a  most  elegant  and  accomplished  gentleman,  a  per- 
12 


178  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OK 

feet  man  of  fashion,  and  admitted  to  be  fascinating.  His 
attention  appeared  to  be  equally  divided  between  the  two 
belles  of  the  day,  —  Miss  Hastings,  who,  by  the  way,  is 
wonderfully  beautiful,  and  a  Miss  Ray  nor.5* 

"  Well,"  I  said,  with  a  provoking  smile,  "  I  am  not  at  all 
jealous.  Mr.  St.  John  stipulated  that  we  should  consider 
ourselves  entirely  free.  I  am  afraid  if  you  bring  him  to 
the  strict  letter  of  the  law,  I  must  plead  guilty  also  to  in- 
dulging in  sundry  flirtations  at  Cape  May." 

"  O,  Sydnie,  it  pains  me  to  see  you  so  hard  and  cold. 
Have  you  not  enough  confidence  in  your  friends  to  be- 
lieve that  they  desire  your  happiness  above  all  other  con- 
siderations ?  " 

"  When  I  seek  it  in  their  fashion,  perhaps ;  but  I  dare 
to  believe  that  I  can  judge  the  most  wisely  for  myself." 

"My  dear  friend,  you  are  standing  on  the  threshold  of 
that  sweetest  of  all  lives  —  a  woman's.  With-  your  pecu- 
liar organization,  your  capability  for  intense  emotions,  you 
have  great  power  for  joy  or  sorrow.  There  is  such  a 
heavenly  influence  in  a  true,  earnest  life.  How  will  you 
answer  to  your  own  soul  if  you  pervert  your  good  gifts 
to  inferior  uses  ?  " 

"I  fancied  you,  of  all  others,  thought  love  a  woman's 
highest  glory,  her  purest  spiritual  development." 

"When  it  ia  love;"  and  he  gave  me  a  sad,  furtive 
glance.  "  Are  you  satisfied  to  accept  the  gay  world  a* 
your  poi'tion  ?  " 

"  I  find  it  pleasant  while  one  is  young.  When  I  tire  of 
it,  I  can  take  up  the  graver  matters  of  life,"  I  said,  care- 
lessly. 

"It .maybe  too  late  for  happiness.  I  cannot  bear  to 
have  you  trifle  with  these  most  sacred  things.  I  want  to 
see  the  sweetness  of  your  heart  expand  and  ripen  in 
choicest  fruitage.  It  is  worthy  of  better  sustenance  than 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  179 

these  poor  mockeries  you  thrust  upon  it.  When  I  see 
you  yielding  your  life  wholly  to  pleasure,  bearing  restraint 
and  truth  so  impatiently,  I  tremble  for  you." 

"  I  do  not  feel  it  an  imperative  duty  to  fulfil  every  one's 
extravagant  desires  concerning  me,"  I  said,  coldly. 

"How  you  have  changed!  Forgive  my  preaching.  I 
know  it  has  annoyed  you ;  but  I  feel  for  you  a  most  pro- 
found and  sacred  friendship.  O,  if  you  could  realize  what 
true  and  fervent  hearts  are  interested  in  your  welfare,  you 
would  pause  and  hesitate  ere  you  took  any  irremediable 
step !  for  with  you  a  wreck  would  be  terrible." 

My  blood  seemed  to  falter  slowly  through  my  veins.  I 
was  more  deeply  moved  than  I  cared  to  show.  Indeed 
there  was  but  one  step  to  take  to  convince  these  two  men 
that  I  was  not  rushing  madly  to  destruction.  There  was  a 
time  when  Mr.  St.  John  might  have  saved  me ;  but  he  had 
not  cared.  Even  now  his  face  rose  before  me  in  all  ita 
mocking  pride  and  masterly  strength.  Confess  to  him 
that  I  had  been  in  the  wrong !  Take  his  censures  meekly  I 
No ;  I  could  not  swallow  so  bitter  a  draught. 

"I  suspect  I  am  merely  a  commonplace  woman  after 
all,  since  ordinary  people  and  events  have  the  power  to 
satisfy  me.  I  am  quite  content  to  take  life  as  it  comes. 
1  began  with  some  Utopian  ideas,  but  I  have  found  them 
of  little  account,  and  grown  wiser." 

"Quite  satisfied  —  you  can  say  that?" 

We  had  been  ambling  slowly  along,  and  now  he  laid  his 
hand  on  the  mane  of  my  horse,  looking  steadily  into  my 
eyes,  his  own  torturing  in  the  infinite  depth  of  their 
pathos. 

"  Satisfied ; "  and  I  gave  a  gay  nod. 

"You  have  disappointed  me  bitterly,  bitterly ;  and  not 
only  me  —  " 

I  could  bear  no  more,  and,  touching  Selim,  bounded 


180  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 


away.  Why  did  they  nil  conspire  to  drive  me  wild,  to 
make  me  do  all  manner  of  reckless  deeds?  I  longed  to 
plunge  into  the  cool,  green  forest,  and  shut  them  out  of 
my  sight.  Why  had  I  ever  come  here  to  be  tormented 
with  visions  of  bliss,  and  know  they  could  never  be  mine, 
to  stretch  forth  my  hand  for  the  goMen  fruit,  and  receive 
only  an  empty  husk?  Whose  fault  was  it?  The  tide  of 
circumstances  had  proved  too  strong  for  me. 

As  if  to  make  amends,  Philip  was  most  gracious  and 
gentle  that  evening.  Every  look,  every  act,  told  me  that 
bis  friendship  would  remain  mine  until  the  latest  mo- 
ment. If  another  had  been  thus  kind  in  some  of  my 
desperate  needs! 

The  marriage  was  perfect,  the  party  delightful.  Philip 
and  Ellen  started  on  their  life  journey  amid  showers  of 
congratulations  and  good  wishes.  The  rest  had  a  gala 
time,  the  country  element  giving  it  a  peculiar  zest. 
What  dances  and  merriment !  General  Graham  was  the 
most  charming  of  hosts.  It  was  with  no  little  pride  that 
he  announced  his  expectations  of  doing  this  over  again  for 
his  son  in  a  few  months.  I  was  pleased  to  be  as  great  a 
favorite  as  ever,  to  find  that  in  the  general  joy  no  one 
recurred  to  my  unfortunate  episode. 

We  were  in  quite  a  reasonable  state  of  existence  when 
Aylmer  made  his  appearance.  I  had  been  looking  for- 
ward to  this  with  an  inexplicable  dread,  but  it  vanished 
speedily.  Did  I  really  love  him  more  than  I  knew  ? 

"I  have  counted  the  days  of  my  banishment,"  he  said, 
with  his  rapturous  fervor.  "Each  one  Drought  me  nearer 
to  you,  my  darling.  How  wearisome  they  have  been  to 
me,  tilled  up  with  trifles,  the  one  great  joy  always  missed, 
you  can  never  know.  But  I  have' you  again,  my  own,  my 
own  ! " 

Was  there  anything  to  doubt  here  ?    The  kindling  eye, 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  181 

the  glowing  check,  and  tender  voice  gave  no  room  for  dis- 
trust. And  then,  I  never  could  make  myself  mistrustful 
of  him,  no  matter  what  others  said.  Was  it  the  result  of 
overwhelming  faith,  or  lack  of  that  intense  love  which  is 
so  easily  tortured  and  depressed  ? 

The  season  was  at  the  height  of  its  glory.  I  believe 
the  sights  and  sounds  of  nature  touched  me  more  keenly 
than  any  link  connecting  me  with  humanity.  Laurel  wood 
was  like  a  brilliant  picture.  Knolls  of  richest  shrubbery, 
burnished  by  the  umber-softened  sunshine  of  autumn;  the 
emerald  tint  of  the  lawns,  broken  by  clusters  of  bright, 
nodding  blossoms;  the  drowsy  babble  of  stream  and 
fountain,  and  over  all  skies  of  such  royal  loveliness!  I 
just  wanted  to  ride  and  ramble  continually,  to  live  in  the 
present,  and  take  no  thought  of  the  future. 

"My  darling,  I  have  the  most  delightful  tidings  for  you," 
Aylmer  said,  one  morning,  drawing  me  out  on  the  balcony, 
bis  own  face  suffused  with  joy  and  hope.  "St.  John  has 
consented  to  a  marriage  at  any  time  we  may  appoint." 

I  hid  my  face  on  his  shoulder,  rejecting  the  kisses  so 
freely  proffered.  A  bolt  of  destiny  seemed  to -strike  and 
transfix  me.  The  sunshine  fell  at  my  feet  with  a  cold 
glitter;  the  very  loveliness  of  the  earth  mocked  me, 
chilled  me. 

"The  barrier  between  us  and  complete  happiness  no 
longer  exists.  We  are  blest  beyond  compare.  Why  do 
you  not  rejoice  with  me,  dearest  ?"  And  he  strove  to  read 
the  secret  I  was  thrusting  into  a  nameless  grave. 

"It  is  so  sudden,"  I  murmured.  • 

"O,  my  love,  forgive  my  abruptness.  One  can  hardly 
come  from  such  waiting  to  bliss  at  a  bound." 

"No,"  I  said  ;  "I  cannot  make  it  real." 

"It  has  been  cruel  in  St.  John  to  subject  you  to  such  a 
trial.  He  is  convinced  at  last  of  the  truth  of  our  regard." 


182  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  Yes."    It  was  a  knell  of  hope  to  me. 

"  But  you  haven't  told  me  how  happy  it  renders  you." 

"Do  you  need  words?"  I  asked,  slowly. 

"No,  I  can  believe.  I  am  not  one  of  those  miserable, 
suspicious  people  who  have  no  faith.  You  will  find  me 
generous  there,  my  darling." 

Too  generous.  If  he  had  demanded  a  fuller  confession, 
if  he  had  made  me  feel  the  sacredness  of  the  trust  I  was 
accepting,  it  would  have  been  much  better  for  me.  Was 
it  because  the  love  was  so  tender,  or  the  heart  so  easily 
satisfied  ? 

"  Let  us  take  a  turn  in  the  grounds,"  I  said,  for  I  felt  if 
I  stood  another  instant  in  his  careless  embrace,  I  must 
break  away  from  it,  or  utter  some  wild  cry  —  motion, 
change,  anything! 

"  You  don't  feel  this  as  I  do,"  he  went  on.  "  Why,  I  am 
all  in  a  quiver  of  joyous  excitement.  The  very  trees  seem 
to  dance  before  my  vision,  and  the  birds  never  sang  such 
marvellous  songs." 

"  I  suppose  I  take  matters  more  quietly.  I  wonder  if 
we  are  really  suited  to  each  other  ?  "  I  said,  with  an  effort. 

"I  shall  not  allow  you  to  think  treason;"  and  he  gave 
me  a  bright,  winsome  smile. 

"Ife  is  well  to  consider — " 

"I  will  not  have  you  growing  grave  when  I  have  reached 
the  summit  of  earthly  hope.  St.  John  has  sulked,  and 
been  morose  as  a  bear,  considering;  so  we  really  have  no 
hard  work  to  do.  I  am  glad  he  at  last  consents  to  be 
decently  gracious;  and  now,  my  darling,  you  have  only  to 
name  the  day.  I  am  most  anxious  to  take  you  into  my 
keeping." 

Unconsciously  I  had  been  making  this  very  consent  a 
sort  of  test.  I  asked  myself,  as  I  had  many  times  before, 
if  it  was  at  all  probable  that  I  should  meet  with  the  very 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  183 

destiny  that  I  desired  above  all  others  ?  I  would  marry 
some  time,  the  most  of  women  did ;  and  since  this  had 
come  to  me,  since  I  could  render  Aylmer  supremely  happy 
and  have  a  charming  life  myself,  why  go  on  waiting  for 
impossible  events? 

"  It  takes  you  a  long  while  to  think  of  the  day,"  he  said, 
playfully. 

"  There  is  no  need  of  haste,"  I  returned,  almost  coldly. 

"But  listen,  love.  It  was  May  when  we  were  first  en- 
gaged, now  it  is  September.  Surely  you  do  not  need  to 
test  my  affection  after  this  probation  !  I  do  not  see  any 
necessity  for  delay." 

"We  will  not  attempt  too  much  in  one  day,"  I  said, 
with  a  poor  effort  at  gayety.  "  I  must  have  a  talk  with 
Mrs.  Lawrence." 

"  And  she  is  my  strongest  ally.  I  shrewdly  suspect  she 
converted  St.  John  to  our  mode  of  thinking." 

We  rambled  through  the  walks,  he  so  engrossed  with 
his  own  feelings  that  he  never  sought  to  fathom  mine.  I 

o  o 

could  illy  have  borne  the  scrutiny;  and  yet,  so  unreason- 
able are  we,  the  very  leniency  annoyed  me. 

"  I  cannot  spare  you  a  moment,"  he  said,  as  I  made  a 
motion  to  go  indoors.  "  If  you  knew  how  much  I  longed 
for  you,  you  would  make  the  delay  brief  as  possible.  Be 
merciful ! " 

My  heart  smote  me  for  my  waywardness  .and  want  of 
faith.  I  made  a  new  resolve  that  I  would  give  him  the 
love  I  owed,  the  duty  our  promise  demanded. 

"So  it  is  all  settled,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  exclaimed,  as  I 
entered  her  room.  "My  dear,  I  congratulate  you.  Such 
a  brilliant  marriage,  too !  I  expended  my  utmost  elo- 
quence upon  Stuart  last  night,  and  convinced  him  that  he 
was  seriously  interfering  with  your  happiness ;  and  this 
morning  I  was  delighted  to  find  him  in  a  more  amiable 


184  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

frame  of  mind.  Why  he  should  ever  have  acted  so  fool- 
ishly I  cannot  divine." 

Was  there  ,'iny  cause  underlying  his  solicitude  for  me? 

"  Aylmer  is  wild  with  delight.  I  don't  believe  I  could 
have  found  a  happier  destiny  for  you.  And  it  will  make 
no  rupture  in  our  friendship.  I  have  really  grown  attached 
to  you,  and  feel  perfectly  satisfied  with  your  prospects." 

When  the  bell  rang  for  lunch,  I  found  Aylmer  waiting 
in  the  hall.  His  manner  had  acquired  something  quite 
new,  a  certain  air  of  possession  that  gave  him  the  posi- 
tion he  had  lacked  before  as  a  lover.  I  was  not  sure  but 
the  majority  would  consider  him  more  attractive  than  Mr. 
St.  John  in  all  his  gloomy  dignity. 

I  felt  a  little  awkward  and  confused,  but  Mrs,  Lawrence's 
fine  tact  covered  this  admirably.  Aylmer  showed  no  dis- 
position to  triumph,  and  in  my  heart  I  thanked  him  for  the 
generosity. 

Mr.  St.  John  took  no  notice  of  me  until  evening,  then 
he  did  dci^n  to  congratulate  me  in  a  formal  manner,  and 
assure  me  of  his  interest  in  my  welfare.  I  could  see  that 
it  was  a  mere  matter  of  duty. 

The  next  day  we  fell  into  some  dispute,  trifling  enough 
at  first,  but  he  .soon  exasperated  me  by  his  cool,  satirical 
sentences.  Pie  talked  at  me  rather  than  to  me  —  some- 
thing of  high  aims  forsaken,  noble  purposes  perverted,  the 
great  trust  of  life  betrayed.  He  made  such  bitter,  sweep- 
ing assertions,  he  was  so  manifestly  unjust,  that  I  abso- 
lutely shrunk  from  the  hard,  narrow  soul,  whose  glamour 
had  once  so  nearly  conquered  mine.  Where  had  I  found 
anything  lovable  in  him?  What  tenderness  or  generosity 
could  a  woman  expect  who  ventured  to  disagree  with  him 
in  never  so  slight  a  particular?  Aylmer  was  right  —  no 
cne  could  be  happy  with  such  a  tyrant. 

I  believe  I  should  have  been  well  satisfied  but  for  the 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  185 

talk  of  marriage.  Ayliner's  plan  caught  Mrs.  Lawrence's 
attention  at  once —  that  immediately  after  our  wedding  we 
were  to  go  to  Washington.  The  winter  promised  to  be 
unusually  gay.  In  that  case  Mrs.  Lawrence  would  spend 
a  mouth  or  two  there  also. 

"A  most  auspicious  debut,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  declared. 
"  The  fates  seem  to  place  everything  desirable  in  your 
way.  Next  summer  you  can  go  abroad  and  win  tri- 
umphs." 

As  if  I  was  to  consider  only  the  attention  I  excited ! 
Did  this  homage  ever  satisfy  a  woman's  heart? 

"  I  believe  you  like  cross,  sullen,  and  uncomfortable  peo- 
ple," Aylmer  said  one  day,  "  or  you  would  be  glad  to  many 
and  go  away,  just  to  escape  the  glowering  looks  of  St. 
John.  He  cannot  endure  the  sight  of  happiness." 

Did  ever  a  woman  like  taunts  better  than  love? 

Every  day  the  net  seemed  drawing  more  closely  around 
me.  What  was  I  waiting  for  —  hope  of  escape? 

Now  and  then  I  examined  my  heart.  I  did  desire  to 
love  Aylmer  Channing,  and  I  felt  comparatively  satisfied. 
Why  should  a  stray  glance  of  Mr.  St.  John's  have  power 
to  disturb  me  ? 

"Stuart,"  Aylmer  said,  at  length,  "I  want  you  to  assure 
Miss  Adriance  that  you  feel  perfectly  satisfied  to  yield 
your  claim  as  her  guardian  in  my  behalf.  She  cannot  re- 
solve to  decide  upon  the  exact  period  when  I  may  take  her 
into  my  keeping." 

"  You  are  mistaken  when  you  suppose  that  anything  I 
could  say  would  influence  Miss  Adriance,"  Mr.  St.  John 
replied,  with  a  little  hauteur. 

"  You  will  say  it,  at  least  ?  " 

*  Ayliner's  voice  was  boyishly  pleading,  and  his  lustrous 
eyes  glanced  up  with  infinite  entreaty. 

"  Miss  Adriance  knows  that  if  I  had  not  been  entirely 


186  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OK 

convinced  of  the  fact  that  her  happiness  depended  upon 
tlii.s  marriage,  I  should  not  liave  consented." 

"  There,  you  hear,  Sydnie !  When  everything  and  every- 
body conspire  to  make  you  happy,  why  will  you  resist  ?  " 
and  he  turned  in  triumph. 

"  You  are  all  in  such  urgent  haste ; "  and  I  tried  to 
laugh. 

"  I've  settled  upon  Christmas,  Stuart." 

"  I  don't  sec  what  objection  Miss  Adriance  can  make  to 
the  time,  if  she  means  to  marry  at  all." 

Mr.  St  John's  face  was  calm  as  he  spoke,  but  his  eyes 
shrouded  in  impenetrable  reticence.  Yet  something  warned 
me  that  I  was  at  the  very  verge  of  a  volcano. 

"  Have  it  as  you  like,"  I  said,  carelessly. 

"  O,  thank  you  a  thousand  times  !  Lsabelle,  I  have  won  ! " 
and  Aylmer's  voice  trembled  with  the  deep  excitement  of 
satisfaction. 

I  took  half  a  dozen  steps  towards  him,  and  laid  my  hand 
in  his,  saying,  in  a  tone  of  emotion, — 

"God  willing,  I  consent  to  become  your  wife  that  day." 

Awful  words,  that  bound  me  irrevocably !  I  fancied 
that  I  had  made  the  last  struggle  then,  and  was  at  peace. 

Aylmer  snatched  my  hand  and  pressed  it  to  his  lips  rap- 
turously. But  another  revelation  greeted  my  astonished 
vision  :  St.  John's  hands  met  in  a  passionate,  nervous  clasp, 
and  his  intense  eyes  settled  upon  Aylmer  as  if  he  could 
have  hurled  him  to  the  uttermost  part  of  the  earth,  —  so 
fierce  and  terrible  that  I  stood  positively  magnetized,  my 
very  breath  chilled.  And  then  glance  encountered  glance. 
Was  it  love,  or  hate,  or  disdain,  or  revenge,  that  we  read 
in  each  other's  eyes? 

"Heaven  help  us  both,"  I  felt  tempted  to  cry. 

lie  walked  carelessly  out  of  the  room. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  187 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

"  What  mirncle 

Can  work  me  into  hope  ?    Heaven  here  is  bankrupt  — 
The  wondering  gods  blush  at  their  want  of  power,' 
And,  quite  abashed,  confess  they  cannot  help  me." 

NAT  LEE. 

"Mr  dear  Sydnie,  you  have  come  to  your  senses  at 
last,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  commenced,  with  a  smile.  "  I  am 
thoroughly  glad.  But  there  are  only  three  months  in 
which  to  prepare;  so  we  must  be  expeditious." 

"  Three  months  !  Why,  one  could  be  married  a  hundred 
times  in  that  period." 

"I  suppose  so,  if  the  ceremony  were  all.  The  engage- 
ment had  better  be  announced  immediately." 

"Announced  !  "  I  exclaimed,  aghast. 

"A  very  short  lime,  I  assure  you.  You  will  be  busy 
shopping  and  having  sewing  done,  and  go  very  little  into 
society." 

"  I  don't  expect  to  begin  wedding  dresses  until  Decem- 
ber at  least,"  I  said,  positively  ;  "and  I  do  hate  to  be  gos- 
siped about.  Three  weeks  will  be  the  utmost  limit  of  my 
endurance." 

"  What  are  you  thinking  of?"  And  her  soft  eyes  opened 
in  unbounded  astonishment. 

"Thinking  that  no  announcement  or  wedding  dresses 
will  be  made  lor  the  next  two  months.  Aylmer  goes 
home  to-morrow,  and  we  shall  return  to  our  usual  life." 

"This  is  most  unreasonable." 

"  Most  reasonable,  it  appears  to  me.    Twenty  things  may 


188  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

occur  —  death,  disagreement,  changes.  I  don't  want  to 
hear  one  word  of  the  matter  outside  of  Laurelwood.  I 
mean  to  take  all  the  comfort  and  pleasure  that  belong  to 
Miss  Adriance  proper;  and  the  first  of  December  I  promise 
to  deliver  myself  into  your  hands,  and  become  the  most 
pliable  young  woman  you  ever  saw." 

"  What  a  singular  girl !  " 

"Yes,  I  am  singular.  It  is  the  last  gasp  of  expiring 
liberty." 

"One  would  think  you  did  not  wish  to  be  married." 

"  I  believe  I  don't :  but  it's  a  woman's  destiny ;  and  what 
matters  a  few  years,  sooner  or  later?" 

"  You  do  love  Aylmer?" 

"  As  well,  perhaps,  as  I  am  capable  of  loving  any  one. 
I've  almost  become  a  convert  to  your  faith.  He  will  make 
a  charming  husband,  fond,  indulgent,  and  all  that,  and  I 
shall,  no  doubt,  settle  into  a  sensible  wife.  The  old  belief 
was  all  a  farce  —  the  chimera  of  a  school-girl's  brain." 

She  glanced  at  me  in  silence. 

"  Dear  Mrs.  Lawrence,"  and  my  tone  softened,  "  be  pa- 
tient with  me  this  brief  while.  Only,  I  don't  want  the 
talk  and  the  congratulations  until  the  latest  moment." 

"We  shall  have  to  do  something,  though.  We  couldn't 
more  than  make  the  dresses  in  three  weeks." 

"  Do  all  that  can  be  done  quietly,  then.  Save  the  fuss 
and  the  tumult  to  the  very  last." 

With  this  we  compromised. 

Aylmer  and  I  parted  tenderly,  after  the  fashion  of  lov- 
ers. Was  I  hypocritical  and  insincere  ?  Heaven  knows 
that  I  was  honest  in  my  resolve  —  that  I  meant  to  use  my 
utmost  endeavors  to  make  this  man  happy,  when  he  laid 
"  his  sleeping  life  within  my  hands."  But  this  restless  mood 
tortured  me  into  strange  phantasies. 

Mr.  St.  John  was  polite,  interested  in  all  that  demanded 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  189 

his  concern  ;  but  cold  and  withdrawn  into  self — abstracted. 
He  might  have  experienced  a,  momentary  twinge  of  jeal- 
ousy concerning  Aylmer,  but  he  had  not  been  moved 
thereto  by  any  love  for  me.  Every  day  I  realized  this 
more  and  more.  No  betrayal,  no  weak  moment  of  tender- 
ness, no  longing.  A  great  gulf  was  between. 

And  yet  I  lived  through  the  two  months  very  comfort- 
ably. The  old  gayetics  seemed  to  have  a  fresh  zest  for 
me.  I  was  brilliant,  attractive,  and  glittering,  like  an  ice- 
peak  in  the  sun  of  a  mid-winter  noon.  Nothing  seemed 
to  warm  me  —  to  touch  me  with  that  enkindling  spark 
of  humanity  which  brings  all  souls  to  a  level.  So  the  days 
sped  along. 

With  the  first  of  December  came  Aylmer; 

"  My  darling,"  he  said,  "  how  wonderfully  beautiful  you 
have  grown !  but  there's  a  look  about  it  that  almost  fright- 
ens one." 

"  Do  you  fancy  that  I  shall  melt  into  a  shadow  —  ethe- 
rialize  ?  " 

"No,  not  that:  the  Scotch  have  a  good  word  for  it  — 
uncanny." 

I  laughed. 

"  You'll  set  all  Washington  to  raving  about  you  this 
winter." 

"  Well,  if  I  soar  too  high,  you  can  clip  my  wings,  you 
know." 

"  I  shall  never  want  to  do  that,  my  darling.  Believe  that 
I  shall  be  proud  of  all  the  admiration  you  win." 

So  generous,  so  delighted  in  the  success  of  another. 
I  tried  to  make  him  feel  that  I  appreciated  his  tenderness. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  was  in  her  element.  I  verily  believe  she 
and  Aylmer  were  much  more  concerned  about  the  respec- 
tive elegance  of  silks,  laces,  and  jewels  than  I.  The  whole 
thing  seemed  incongruous  to  me.  That  one  should  care 


190  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

so  much  for  the  adornment  of  the  body,  so  little  for  the 
aliment  of  the  soul !  After  the  excitement  was  over,  what 
then?  After  one  wearied  of  dresses  and  revels  and  idle 
compliments,  what  could  appease  this  restless,  gnawing 
hunger? 

Matters  went  on  to  everybody's  satisfaction,  except  that 
it  rained  continually  and  kept  us  indoors. 

"  Do  you  realize  the  date,  and  how  fast  the  month  is 
going  ?  "  Mrs.  Lawrence  asked,  one  morning. 

"Why?  Are  you  counting  on  the  moon  to  make  a 
change  in  the  weather?"  and  Aylmer  yawned.  "I  verily 
believe  the  sun  has  forgotten  how  to  shine?" 

O 

"  It  is  the  tenth,  and  not  an  invitation  directed." 

"There's  plenty  of  time,"  I  said,  quickly. 
."None  to  spare,  at  least." 

"  I  wish  people  could  get  married  without  all  this  foolish 
fuss  and  talk,"  I  exclaimed,  petulantly. 

Aylmer  glanced  up.  "  I  believe  this  vile  weather  affects 
you,  too.  The  first  respectable  morning  we  will  take  a  good 
long  gallop,  and  bring  ourselves  back  to  serenity." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  with  an  effort,  "  let  us  amuse  ourselves 
counting  up  our  dear  five  hundred  friends." 

With  that  we  adjourned  to  the  library.  Aylmer  was 
quite  out  of  spirits,  more  so  than  I  had  ever  seen  him. 
There  might  be  many  rainy  days  to  life  —  what  then? 

Moralizing  over  one's  wedding  cards  was  not  quite  the 
thing. 

Presently  we  all  became  interested.  The  lists  were  gone 
over  by  each  one,  all  the  additions  made,  and  St.  John  of- 
fered to  direct  them.  Aylrner  amused  himself  writing  a 
few,  then  sauntered  up  and  down  the  room.  A  sky  of 
hopeless  gray,  drooping  so  low  that  it  seemed  to  envelop 
the  tree  tops;  a  drizzling,  uncomfortable  rain,  and  a  melan- 
choly wail  through  the  distant  pines.  More  than  once  the 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  191 

vision  of  Annt  Mildred's  death  crossed  ray  mind.    How 
strangp  that  I  should  think  of  it  now ! 

We  lingered  over  our  lunch,  we  strolled  throngh  draw- 
ing-room and  conservatory,  counted  the  flowers  we  might 
expect  to  blossom  in  time,  went  to  dinner  without  any 
appetites,  dawdled  through  the  dessert,  and  at  last  lights 
were  brought  in. 

"  What  a  musty  old  hermit  St.  John  is!"  Ayhncr  said, 
pettishly.  "  If  he  had  not  gone  off  to  his  den,  we  might 
have  had  a  game  of  whist." 

"I  will  send  for  him,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  rejoined. 

"No,  don't;  his  high  mightiness  would  only  feel  bored. 
Commend  me  to  a  city  in  rainy  weather,  say  I.  Sydnie, 
suppose  you  sing." 

I  went  to  the  piano,  mistrusting  my  voice,  but  I  deter- 
mined to  make  the  effort.  It  was  a  failure,  and  he  ner- 
vously critical  on  this  evening. 

"  You  are  dreadfully  out  of  tune,"  he  commented,  pres- 
ently. 

I  rose  angrily :  my  first  impulse  was  to  leave  the  room  ; 
then  I  reconsidered,  and  crossed  over  to  the  sofa.  What  a 
handsome  face  this  was,  thrown  into  clear  relief  by  the 
crimson  pillow!  An  exterior  merely :  the  soul  was  narrow, 
dark,  ill-governed,  with  no  resources  in  itself.  Could  I 
minister  to  it,  could  I  endure  it  for  years  and  years? 

"  How  dull  you  are  to  night." 

This  time  I  was  wounded.  I  stood  irresolute,  every  pulse 
within  me  mutinous,  and  rising  to  a  white  heat. 

"My  darling,"  he  said,  with  sudden  softness,  and  drew 
me  to  a  seat  beside  him.  "When  we  get  to  Washington 
we  shall  be  as  gay  as  larks.  I  only  wish  Christmas  came 
sooner." 

The  fondness  had  lost  its  flavor.  Kisses  were  weak  and 
insipid.  There  were  no  true  and  fervent  depths  in  him  to 


192  'SYDNIE   ADEIANCE,   OR 

be  roused  by  love.  All  that  I  had  been  trying  to  make 
myself  believe  vanished  in  an  instant  and  left  a  hideous 
blank.  Already  we  had  come  to  the  dregs.  In  time, 
when  utterly  weaned  with  his  vapidness  and  trifles,  I 
might  even  hate  him.  I  shivered  at  the  thought. 

"  You're  not  well,"  he  said.  "  This  miserable  weather 
has  given  you  a  cold.  Isabelle,  I  can't  have  her  looking 
like  a  fright  on  her  wedding  day." 

"  Never  fear,"  I  answered,  bravely,  and  with  a  touch  of 
scorn. 

"  I  think  it  would  be  as  sensible  to  retire  as  sitting  up 
here  playing  stupid,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  remarked ;  and  we 
accordingly  dispersed. 

I  went  to  my  own  room,  and  in  a  burst  of  passionate 
emotion  buried  my  face  in  the  pillow  of  the  lounge.  The 
wild  wind  blew  tempestuous  gusts  of  rain  against  the  win- 
dows, and  then  moaned  off  down  to  the  hollows  with  a 
desolate  wail.  I  pressed  my  hands  to  my  burning,  throb- 
bing temples.  Not  a  tear  came,  but  a  long,  hysteric  sob 
tore  its  way  up  from  my  very  soul. 

Circumstances  had  betrayed  me  into  this  engagement, 
but  must  I  go  on  and  consummate  my  misery?  Was  there 
no  strong  hand  to  snatch  me  from  this  fateful  destiny? 
Did  I  dare  pray  to  God? 

O,  I  had  trifled  so  with  life,  with  myself!  I  had  per- 
verted the  holiest  desires  of  my  woman's  heart,  stooped  to 
gather  shining  sand  that  the  next  wave  might  wasli  away. 
With  great  capacities  for  happiness  I  had  wrought  evil 
only,  and  now  I  was  whirled  helplessly  along  the  great 
stream  of  life,  no  one  caring  for  the  wreck.  The  time 
foretold  by  my  one  best  fiiend  had  come  upon  me,  and  I 
was  overwhelmed. 

Something  rose  above  the  storm  without  and  within. 
My  tense  nerves  caught  the  sound  —  a  low,  sweet  strain, 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  193 

Buch  as  a  summer  wind  sings  in  the  lap  of  greenest  mead- 
ows ;  flower  wreaths  shaking  out  faintest  perfumes,  mur- 
murous leaves  touched  by  a  soft  south  wind.  Then  it 
grew  stronger,  firmer,  as  if  animated  by  a  living  soul  —  a 
child  in  careless  play,  rambling  over  mountain  wilds,  prodi- 
gal of  youth  and  all  that  youth  holds  dear;  gay,  joyous, 
soaring  on  the  wings  of  fancy,  quivering  with  every  breath, 
easily  moved  alike  to  joy  or  tears. 

I  forgot  the  storm  and  my  own  misery.  I  raised  my 
face  and  listened  with  absorbing  interest. 

Girded  with  the  fearlessness  of  youth  that  has  courage 
for  all  things,  it  went  gayly  onward.  By-ways  enticed  it, 
mountain  tops  glittering  with  brightness  hurried  it,  beguil- 
ing voices  of  sirens  sang  their  tender  songs,  and  then  the 
real  struggle  began.  The  storm,  the  strange  melody,  the 
war  in  my  own  heart  —  how  it  thrilled  me  with  contend- 
ing emotions ! 

There  was  a  lull  in  the  tempest  of  passion.  I  heard  the 
calm,  sweet  voice  of  the  earlier  days  imploring,  then  the 
din  and  wrangle  of  bitter  strife  —  a  strange,  awesome  wail 
as  of  a  soul  in  peril.  Who  would  gain  in -tins  mighty 
battle  ? 

The  gentle  voice  returned.  It  was  Peace  crowned  as  a 
victor.  The  storm  of  passion  died  away,  and  in  its  place 
lingered  a  sweet,  ineffable  calm. 

Was  that  solemn  chant  of  life  prophetic?  I  was  kneel- 
ing in  the  brooding  silence  with  clasped  hands  and  tearful 
eyes.  Could  I  yet  be  saved  ? 


There  was  a  sky  of  azure  and  a  golden  sun  the  next 
morning.     I  felt  faint,  as  one  who  has   kept  too  long  a 
vigil,  and  yet  I  lay  in  a  hush  of  dreamy  contentment,  as 
13 


194  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

if  the  crisis  of  ray  life  had  passed,  and  my  heart,  like  the 
dove  of  old,  had  found  rest.  Had  I  the  courage  to  put  my 
latent  resolve  into  execution  ? 

I  dressed  slowly,  and  went  down  stairs.  The  letters 
detained  by  the  storm  of  the  preceding  day  had  just 
arrived. 

"  I  intended  to  see  you  before  you  went,"  Mrs.  Law- 
rence was  saying  to  the  servant.  "  There  is  a  great  pack- 
age of  mail  matter  that  must  be  sent  immediately." 

While  she  was  speaking,  Aylmer  started  towards  me, 
nodding  gayly,  his  face  wreathed  in  sweetest  smiles.  My 
heart  wavered  so  that  its  beating  became  audible.  Could 
I  give  him  a  traitorous  glance,  promising  hope  ? 

He  paused  and  took  up  a  letter,  breaking  the  seal  hasti- 
ly. A  quick  cry  passed  his  lips. 

"What?"  Mrs.  Lawrence  was  startled  by  the  ashen 
brow. 

"My  father!     Dead!    Merciful  heavens!" 

Mr.  St.  John  joined  the  group.  There  was  no  mistaking 
his  solicitude. 

"Dead!"  Mrs.  Lawrence  repeated,  raising  her  eyes  in 
consternation. 

He  handed  the  note  to  St.  John  —  a  hasty  telegram  that 
made  known  only  the  merest  facts. 

"I  must  go  immediately,  you  see;"  and  Aylmer's  voice 
had  a  strange  wandering  sound.  "  The  first  train."  Then 
he  came  around  to  me. 

"These  festivities  must  be  delayed,"  I  said,  in  a  low 
tone. 

"  A  bad  omen ; "  and  he  smiled  faintly. 

"  No  matter  now." 

u  It  is  best.  No  one  would  want  a  wedding  at  such  a 
gloomy  time.  And  then,  everything  will  have  to  be 
changed." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  195 

"Yes." 

"  My  darling,  this  is  most  unfortunate." 

"I  am  inexpressibly  shocked,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  said. 
"You  have  our  warmest  sympathies,  Aylmer;"  and  she 
clasped  his  hand. 

"  I  will  write  soon  and  let  you  know  —  " 

"  We  had  better  give  up  our  present  arrangements,"  I 
remarked,  decisively.  "You  can  tell  nothing  surely  as 
yet." 

Mr.  St.  John's  eyes  met  mine  with  a  glance  that  thrilled 
and  terrified. 

"  You  have  been  saved,"  it  said  plainly,  and  I  am  sure 
mine  answered,  even  at  the  risk  of  betraying  all  that  was 
in  my  soul. 

It  was  a  melancholy  breakfast,  and  the  parting  was  sad 
enough.  Something  in  Aylmer's  clinging  love  touched 
me  inexpressibly.  Had  I  misjudged  him  the  night  before? 

"Could  anything  have  been  more  unfortunate?"  be- 
wailed Mrs.  Lawrence,  as  she  ordered  the  elegant  dresses 
to  be  folded  away.  "I  think  with  Aylmer,  that  it  is  an 
unlucky  omen ;  but  I  hope  it  will  end  rightly." 

"  It  will ;  rest  assured  of  that,"  I  said,  confidently. 

I  was  glad  to  get  every  reminder  out  of  my  sight. 
There  was  the  wraith-like  veil  and  orange  blossoms  — 
would  they  ever  be  needed? 

Aylmer  wrote  as  soon  as  he  reached  home.  His  father 
had  been  ill  only  a  few  days,  not  considered  at  all  danger- 
ous until  within  an  hour  or  two  of  his  death.  He  found 
his  step-mother  plunged  into  the  deepest  grief.  Her  sis- 
ter, Miss  Raynor,  was  with  her  at  the  lime.  I  remembered 
her  as  one  of  the  Newport  belles  mentioned  by  Philip. 

The  Christmas  that  was  to  have  been  my  wedding  day 
we  spent  very  quietly.  Another  change  had  come  over 
Mr.  St.  John.  Instead  of  shunning  me,  he  seemed  to  seek 


196  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

my  society,  escort  me  out,  evinced  iriiieli  interest  in  my 
comfort,  and  was  uniformly  gentle. 

How  many  events  had  crowded  themselves  into  the 
brief  space  of  a  year!  I  hardly  appeared  to  myself  the 
same  person.  And  now  the  sense  of  coming  freedom  gave 
me  a  singular  buoyancy.  How  it  was  to  be  brought  about 
I  hardly  knew,  but  it  was  a  sure  hope  to  my  hitherto  bur- 
dened heart. 

In  the  evening,  Mr.  St.  John  seated  himself  at  the  organ 
and  played  Milton's  grand  old  Hymn  of  the  Nativity. 

"Will  you  try  it?"  he  asked,  presently ;  and  I  sang, 
blending  my  voice  with  his  full,  deep  tones.  There  was  a 
light  directly  in  front  of  the  organ,  but  the  far  corners  of 
the  r(Jom  were  in  a  dim,  twilight  shade.  The  grand,  swell- 
ing melody  roused  all  the  worship  of  my  nature.  I  felt  as 
if  I  could  have  listened  and  sung  forever. 

"  How  the  music  stirs  you,"  he  said,  in  a  soft,  pleased 
voice. 

I  thought  of  another  night,  and  a  most  peculiar  ex- 
perience. 

"This  appeals  to  me  in  a  powerful  manner,"  I  an- 
swered. 

The  eyes,  charged  with  luminous  light,  were  turned  full 
upon  me. 

"  You  played  one  night  some  time  ago  —  "  and  I  paused. 

"Yes.    You  liked  it?" 

"  I  cannot  tell  you  how  it  moved  me.  It  seemed  the 
struggle  of  a  human  soul." 

"  It  was.     A  soul  in  bondage  freeing  itself." 

He  uttered  the  words  slowly.  All  the  fascination  he 
had  ever  possessed  for  me  returned  with  renewed  force. 
Something  within  me  confessed  the  man  my  master. 

He  rose  and  faced  me  as  if  he  would  have  spoken,  then 
took  two  or  three  turns  across  the  room. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  197 

"I  wonder  if  any  human  soul  is  strong  enough  to  force 
its  way  out  to  the  light?"  he  asked,  abruptly. 

"  I  think  it  is,"  I  made  answer. 

From  that  night  I  date  a  new  life,  as  it  were.  I  began 
to  see  my  mistakes  more  clearly.  Pride  and  self-love  had 
led  me  far  astray,  and  I  had  many  tortuous  paths  to  re- 
trace. How  little  advancement  I  had  made  in  any  path 
of  usefulness ! 

I  experienced  many  misgivings  concerning  Aylmer. 
For  a  few  weeks  his  letters  were  frequent  and  extrava- 
gantly fond.  I  answered  them  in  a  spirit  of  tenderest 
sympathy,  because  just  then  coldness  would  have  seemed 
cruel,  but  I  purposely  refrained  from  positive  declarations 
of  affection.  I  confess  to  a  little  pang  when  I  found  they 
passed  unremarked.  No  woman  likes  to  own  herself  so 
poor  in  power  over  a  lover's  heart  that  the  withdrawal  of 
tenderness  is  no  longer  capable  of  giving  pain.  He  ap- 
peared to  be  much  engrossed  with  his  step-mother  and 
the  business,  which  was  rather  complicated.  He  even 
ceased  to  make  excuses  about  the  visit,  and  no  longer 
referred  to  the  marriage. 

I  lacked  the  courage  for  an  overt  act.  It  was  so  diffi- 
cult to  make  issue  with  him.  I  fancied  that  when  we  met 
it  could  be  more  easily  done.  Perhaps,  too,  I  was  afraid 
that  Ayluicr  would  prefer  an  appeal  to  his  cousins,  and 
drag  me  into  a  painful  explanation,  so  I  waited  in  wretched 
indecision,  resolved  upon  one  thing  only  —  that  I  would 
not  become  Aylmer  Channing's  wife. 

\Ve  were  less  gay  than  usual,  as  Mrs.  Lawrence  was 
indisposed  for  several  weeks,  yet  the  time  passed  very 
pleasantly,  and  ere  I  was  hardly  aware  spring  dawned 
upon  us. 

One  day  I  was  startled  by  a  letter  from  Mrs.  Otis,  so 
different  was  it  from  her  usual  epistles.  I  thought  they 


198  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

all  had  a  strained  and  wearied  air,  as  if  she  was  striving 
for  peace  continually,  and  yet  failed  to  attain  that  high 
satisfaction.  But  this  was  bright,  sunny,  and  hopeful. 
She  asked  me  to  come  and  help  her  keep  a  new  and  better 
wedding-day  on  the  anniversary  of  the  old.  The  whole 
current  of  her  life  had  changed. 

Another  sentence  held  me  in  a  strange,  cold  grasp.  It 
was  this  :  "  Is  it  selfish,  dear,  to  rejoice  that  your  engage- 
ment is  broken  ?  I  seem  to  understand  a  woman's  needs 
so  much  better  than  I  did  a  year  ago,  that  I  feel  now,  bril- 
liant and  fascinating  as  Aylmer  Channing  is,  he  could  never 
render  any  true,  loving,  and  loyal  woman  permanently 
happy.  To  come  to  the  dregs  when  one  has  expected  a 
draught  of  clear,  rich  wine,  would  be  terrible." 

I  had  announced  to  her  that  the  marringe  was  delayed ; 
since  then  neither  of  us  had  mentioned  it.  She  must  have 
learned  this  from  some  other  source,  and  in  a  moment  I 
was  all  anxiety  to  know  the  truth.  So  I  proposed  a  brief 
visit,  in  which  Mrs.  Lawrence  acquiesced,  but  Mr.  St.  John 
was  instantly  annoyed. 

"  How  easily  you  tire  of  Laurel  wood,"  he  said,  captiously. 
"  Women  can  never  be  satisfied  unless  they  are  in  the 
midst  of  excitement." 

"  We  shall  be  quiet  enough,"  I  returned.  "  I  shall  see 
less  society  than  I  do  here." 

"But  more  dangerous!  For  conscience'  sake,  Miss 
Adriance,  don't  bring  home  another  lover." 

That  was  bitter.  "  I  assure  you  I  am  not  likely  to,"  I 
returned,  haughtily. 

"  There  is  some  sensible  advice  in  the  old  couplet,  — 

'  It's  good  to  be  off  with  the  old  love, 
Before  you  are  on  with  the  new.'  " 

I  felt  the  sarcasm  in  his  voice,  but  I  would  not  allow  it 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  199 

to  ruffle  me.  O,  if  we  could  but  be  friends,  patient,  true, 
and  tender!  For  a  moment  I  was  tempted  to  confess  my 
difficulties  to  him,  to  admit  my  wants  and  weakness. 
His  faithless  smile  deterred  me.  There  was  no  safe  middle 
ground  for  us. 

I  found  Anne  wonderfully  improved.  At  first  I  could 
hardly  credit  my  senses.  Bright,  winsome,  and  girlish,  in 
a  phase  that  she  had  never  exhibited  before.  Even  at 
school  she  had  always  been  grave. 

"  You  must  be  supremely  happy,"  I  said,  with  a  pang  at 
my  own  confessed  lack  of  such  inspiration. 

"  Not  quite  that,  but  reasonably  so,"  she  answered,  with, 
a  smile. 

"  And  you  have  reversed  the  order  of  things  —  fallen  in 
love  with  your  own  husband." 

She  flushed  daintily. 

"  I  believe  I  begin  to  understand  some  of  the  great 
truths  of  life.  And  I  think  —  "  with  a  little  falter,  "that  I 
always  cared  more  for  him  than  I  really  knew.  It  has 
been  a  thorny,  confused  path,  and  sometimes  I  nearly  lost 
the  way;  but  what  matter,  since  the  end  is  clear  and 
bright." 

"  You  really  love  him  —  you  are  perfectly  satisfied  ?"  I 
asked  the  question  with  sudden  curiosity.  I  was  eager  to 
know  how  complete  one's  belief  might  become. 

"  I  can  answer  your  question  truthfully ; "  and  the  sweet 
eyes  drooped  with  love's  own  shyness. 

"  I  must  hear  the  story,  Anne," 

We  were  in  her  sitting-room,  a  cosy  little  place,  bright 
with  sunshine,  and  in  each  window  a  hanging  basket  filled 
with  trailing  vines  and  some  gny  tropical  blossoms.  The 
home-like  air  impressed  me.  No  stiff  formality  of  arrange- 
ment, no  lack  of  cheerful  ease. 

"  It  isn't  much  of  a  story.    Who  was  it  that  said  some 


200  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

people  wrote  idyls,  others  Jived  them?  I  fancy  I  must  ex- 
press all  truths  by  living  them." 

"  The  only  right  way ; "  and  I  sighed  a  little. 

"You  are  not  unhappy?"  She  knelt  beside  me,  and 
clasped  my  hand  in  hers,  looking  up  with  fond,  question- 
ing eyes. 

"I  am  not  happy,  or  even  comfortable.  Like  you,  I  have 
gone  astray  in  thorny  paths,  though  I  had  not  your  ex- 
cuse. I  suspect  I  must  lay  the  blame  upon  my  own  way- 
wardness." 

She  made  no  reply;  and  after  a  moment,  I  added, 
"  Why  did  you  fancy  my  engagement  was  broken,  Anne  ?  " 

" Is  it  not?"    Her  bright  cheek  paled  suddenly. 

"  Not  a  word  of  the  kind  has  been  spoken  on  either 
side." 

"  Sydnie  !  "  Then  her  look  of  surprise  gave  way  to  one 
of  grief.  "  Forgive  me,"  she  said,  slowly.  "  I  have  wound- 
ed you  most  unconsciously.  Let  us  forget  it ;  only  believe 
that  I  am  sincerely  sorry." 

"  What  do  you  know  ?  " 

I  held  the  sweet  face  within  my  hands,  and  fathomed 
the  pure  eyes.  Some  secret  that  she  could  not  entirely 
conceal  lay  within  their  depths. 

"  I  must  know.  It  is  of  vital  importance  to  me,"  and 
the  strength  of  my  nature  overpowered  hers. 

"I  will  tell  you  the  truth,"  and  she  made  an  effort  to 
steady  her  trembling  voice :  "  Mrs.  Channing  has  a  young 
and  beautiful  sister,  whose  fascinations,  it  was  said,  exer- 
cised a  powerful  influence  over  Aylmer  last  summer  at 
Newport.  Since  Mr.  Channing's  death  she  has  been  Mrs. 
Channing's  constant  companion.  Aylmer  has  been  at  home 
all  the  time,  and  the  rumor  is  that  as  soon  as  propriety  will 
admit,  a  marriage  is  to  take  place.  And,  my  darling,  I  do 
not  think  it  mere  careless,  gossip.  It  came  well  authenti- 
cated to  ine." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  201 

*  And  do  you  believe  it  true  ofhim?n  I  asked. 

"Must  I  be  cruel,  dear?  My  eyes  have  been  opened, 
Sydnie,  though  I  know  women  do  not  generally  show  their 
wounds  to  one  another.  He  gave  me  a  cruel  thrust  early 
in  the  battle  of  life,  and  yet  it  is  only  this  winter  past  that 
I  have  realized  the  depth,  the  pain  that  might  have  been 
mine,  and,  thank  God,  was  not.  Don't  fancy  me  actuated 
by  any  old  soreness.  To-day  I  should  be  glad  to  see  you 
happy  with  him,  but  this  I  do  not  believe  any  woman  can 
ever  be.  He  lacks  the  grand  element  that  hallows  all 
love  — constancy." 

"And  yet  he  was  once  your  ideal,"  I  said,  almost  re- 
proachfully. 

"  Yes,  he  was.  I  will  admit  that,  and  more.  There  was 
a  time  when  one  word  more  would  have  won  me  irrev- 
ocably. Circumstances  alone  prevented  it.  He  used  all 
the  arts  so  natural  with  him,  and  if  1  had  not  been  re- 
strained by  a  sense  of  my  inability  to  hold  anything  so 
brilliant  and  supply  its  needs,  I  must  have  yieldedi  When 
we  met  again  the  charm  was  gone.  He  had  satisfied  him- 
self, perhaps,  and  no  longer  cared  for  my  feeble  incense. 
By  some  strange  process  we  became  friends.  He  still  be- 
wildered me  with  his  beauty  and  dangerous  sweetness; 
but  since  I  had  no  expectations,  I  lingered  in  the  glare,  with 
a  peculiar  sense  of  security.  Then  came  my  engagement 
with  Mr.  Otis,  I  accepted  him  partly  to  please  papa,  partly 
because  I  did  feel  very  grateful,  and  a  good  deal  from  the 
firm  belief  that  he  loved  me,  and  would  be  much  better 
satisfied  with  a  quiet  regard  than  none  at  all.  I  hate  my- 
self for  it  all  now;"  and  she  made  a  sudden  gesture  of 
abhorrence.  "  I  had  not  seen  Mr.  Channing  for  some 
months,  but  an  accidental  current  drifted  him  to  my  vi- 
cinity. He  had  heard  of  my  engagement,  and  congratu- 
lated me  warmly.  It  is  his  misfortune  that  he  should 


202  -     SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OK 

always  seem  so  earnest,  so  interested,  for  it  misleads  others. 
During  the  summer  before,  there  had  been  some  playful 
badinage  at  my  cousin's  about  standing  at  our  marriages, 
he  gayly  promising  to  perform  the  kind  office  when  needed. 
She  accepted  him  at  once,  as  her  bridal  was  at  hand.  He 
referred  to  this  jestingly,  and  a  sudden  resolve  came  into 
my  mind.  I  would  ask  you,  and  judge  in  what  estimate 
dispassionate  eyes  held  him.  Remember  that  then  I 
admired  him  to  the  utmost,  and  had  never  felt  inclined  to 
blame  him  for  not  loving  me.  I  understood  all  our  differ- 
ences too  plainly.  I  could  never  satisfy  a  nature  that 
demanded  such  incessant  variety. 

"If  I  had  possessed  sufficient  courage,  I  should  have 
confessed  the  truth  to  Mr.  Otis.  It  was  not  that  I  really 
loved  any  one  else,  but  that  I  did  not  love  him.  I  was 
so  afraid  of  giving  him  pain.  And  then  the  explanations 
loomed  up  like  a  huge  mountain,  and  terrified  me.  I  could 
never  undertake  them.  Unconsciously  you  touched  upon 
the  secret,  sensitive  chords  of  my  nature  in  on%of  our  many 
talks,  and  then  I  felt  I  must  go  on  at  all  hazard." 

"  My  poor  Anne,"  I  interrupted.  "  How  could  you  con- 
ceal all  this  misery  under  such  a  cheerful  demeanor?" 

"  It  did  not  seem  to  require  any  effort  then ;  besides,  I 
was  only  negatively  wretched.  I  had  no  sharp,  positive 
pangs'such  as  reveal  the  soul.  It  was  harder  afterwards ; " 
and  her  voice  faltered. 

"  "Well,"  I  said,  "  after  you  were  married  ?  —  " 

"  Mr.  Otis  was  very  kind  and  considerate.  He  provided 
every  luxury,  every  pleasure,  made  me  feel  that  I  was  per- 
fectly free  to  spend  as  much  time  at  home  as  I  wished ;  in 
short,  demanded  nothing  of  me.  Instead  of  drawing  nearer 
together,  the  insensible  breach  between  us  widened,  until 
it  could  be  distinctly  perceived.  It  gave  me  a  thrill  of 
nameless  terror.  What  could  I  do  ?  I  felt  so  helpless,  so 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  203 

lost,  as  if  I  were  floating  in  a  great  unknown  sea,  without 
chart  or  compass. 

^"  And  then  a  very  simple  incident  occurred.  Mr.  Otis 
was  compelled  to  go  east  on  some  business.  The  weather 
being  unfavorable,  I  did  not  accompany  him.  Ten  days 
only,  and  yet  it  seemed  interminable.  I  missed  the  tender- 
ness, the  watchful  care,  the  sure  support  that  I  needed  more 
and  more  every  day.  While  I  was  in  this  mood,  one  of 
those  fearful  railroad  accidents  happened  that  shock  every- 
body. I  hardly  thought  of  it  as  concerning  myself,  until  I 
received  a  telegram  from  Mr.  Otis.  He  had  escaped  un- 
hurt, by  a  miracle,  he  said. 

"  A  sudden  burst  of  remorseful  tenderness  rushed  over 
me.  Are  there  such  things  in  love  as  instant  conversions  ? 
If  he  had  been  brought  home  dead,  I  hardly  think  it  would 
have  moved  me  as  deeply.  I  experienced  a  most  intense 
and  agonizing  desire  to  see  him,  to  tell  him  that  my  soul 
had  been  kindled  with  some  deep  inward  fire,  and  longed 
to  answer  the  needs  of  his.  I  could  see  the  loneliness  of 
the  spiritual  life  to  which  I  had  condemned  him  by  my 
coldness  and  reserve.  I  felt  then  that  I  did  love  him  truly, 
and  I  was  wild  to  show  it  by  words  as  well  as  works.  Ah, 
I  cannot  tell  you  how  I  waited.  I  even  sent  the  children 
home.  For  the  first  time  in  my  life  I  wished  to  be  alone 
with  him,  so  that  no  indifferent  eye  should  look  upon  the 
sacredness  of  our  meeting.  It  seemed  as  if  he  would  never 
come.  The  train  had  been  detained,  and  it  was  quite  late 
in  the  evening  when  he  arrived.  The  servant  admitted 
him  in  the  hall,  and  then  he  came  straight  to  the  sitting- 
room.  I  sprang  up,  and  was  folded  to  his  heart,  but  I  could 
not  speak  for  sobs  that  well  nigh  strangled  me. 

" '  My  precious  wife,'  he  exclaimed,  '  are  these  tears  for 
me  ? '  And  there  was  a  depth  in  his  tone  that  I  had  never 
heard  before.  It  fairly  trembled,  and  the  strong  arms  shook 
as  if  with  an  ague. 


204  SYDNIE  ADEIANCE,   OR 

"  Ab,  well,  one  can  never  remember  just  what  one  does 
in  tbese  great  straits  of  life.  Perbaps  it  is  as  well ; "  and 
tbe  crimson  flushes  deepened  from  brow  to  throat.  "An^d 
all  the  while,  Sydnie,  he  feared  that  I  bad  loved  Aylmer 
hopelessly.  At  least  be  began  to  mistrust  just  before  our 
marriage." 

"Yet  be  dared  to  risk  the  chances?" 

"He  loved  me  so,  dear.  I  can  never  be  sufficiently 
grateful  for  all  tbe  patient  kindness.  And  it  seems  as  if  I 
had  not  understood  Aylmer  until  lately.  He  makes  a 
changeful  holiday  feast  of  love,  forgetting  that  it  must  be 
a  woman's  daily  bread,  too  often  rendered  black  and  bitter 
by  man's  selfishness.  My  dear  friend,  have  I  pained  you 
beyond  forgiveness?" 

"  It  was  right  for  me  to  know  this.  And  now  I  will  be 
equally  honest,  even  if  the  confession  is  humiliating.  I 
have  not  really  loved  him.  Two  weeks  before  our  ap- 
pointed marriage  day  1  resolved  to  break  the  engngement. 
I  don't  know  whether  I  should  have  had  the  courage,  but 
he  was  called  away  by  his  father's  sudden  death.  Since 
then  I  have  been  temporizing." 

"  O,  my  darling,  I  am  so  thankful;"  and  she  raised  her 
eyes,  bright  with  tears  that  were  not  all  sorrow.  "You 
are  worthy  of  a  higher  happiness." 

"I  don't  know  that  I  am  worthy  of  any,"  I  exclaimed, 
vehemently.  "  I  have  been  wilfully  blind,  impatient,  wise 
in  my  own  sight,  .and  now  I  reap  the  whirlwind  that  I  have 
sown  —  the  loss  of  esteem,  the  mortification  of  this  position. 
I  hate  myself!" 

"  And  I  have  been  the  cause  !  "  she  said,  with  poignant 
self-reproach. 

"No,  you  shall  not  blame  yourself.  Mr.  St.  John  warned 
me,  and  even  withheld  his  consent  for  a  time.  He  thought 
his  cousin  fickle,  fond  of  change  and  excitement.  I  shall 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  205 

bring  my  unlucky  engagement  to  an  end  immediately, 
thankful  that  there  has  been  so  little  said  about  it." 

How  much  truth  wns  there  in  a  man's  regard  ?  Hugh 
Graham  was  happy  at  Mont  Argyle  with  his  sweet  young 
wife.  He  had  met  me  with  a  good  de:;l  of  complacence, 
and,  after  our  first  greeting,  betrayed  no  embarrassment. 
Yet  I  confess  that  in  my  heart  I  honored  him ;  but  the 
treachery  and  faithlessness  of  Ayjmer  Channing  were  be- 
yond forgiveness.  I  had  allowed  myself  to  be  beguiled  by 
this  adoration,  offered  at  many  a  shrine  before,  and  perhaps 
to  be  laid  upon  others.  The  remembrance  of  every  kiss 
stuns;  me.  The  tenderness  I  had  allowed  to  be  paraded 

O  1 

before  Mr.  St.  John  rushed  over  me  with  a  bitter  sense  of 
humiliation.  He,  knowing  what  it  was  worth,  had  smiled 
over  it.  How  could  I  endure  his  triumph? 

I  soon  made  Anne  understand  that  no  deep  regard  was 
concerned  in  the  promise ;  and  then  she  urged  me  not  to 
delay  the  step  so  imperatively  necessary.  And  as  I  glanced 
at  her  beaming  face,  I  gave  thanks  that  she  had  so  soon 
found  the  grand  secret  of  life,  and  was  walking  in  pleasant 
ways. 


206  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 


CHAPTER  XV. 

"  Meantime  I  seek  no  sympathies,  nor  need ; 

The  thorns  which  I  have  reaped  are  of  the  tree 

I  planted ;  —  they  have  torn  me  and  I  bleed ; 
I  should  have  known  what  fruit  would  spring  from  such  a  seed." 

CHILDE  HAROLD. 

LOVE  had  certainly  improved  Mr.  Otis.  I  do  not  mean 
that  he  had  grown  handsome  or  graceful ;  but  there  was 
an  ease  and  manliness  about  him  that  was  exceedingly  at- 
tractive. Through  much  pain  and  many  doubts,  he  and 
Anne  had  reached  the  true  level  of  their  lives.  It  might 
not  be  a  safe  precedent  to  follow,  but  in  this  case  it  had 
brought  about  admirable  results.  That  they  were  really 
happy  one  coulcl  not  for  a  moment  doubt. 

Now  that  Aylmer  Channing's  beguiling  glamour  no 
longer  served  for  contrast,  I  found  him  entertaining  and 
agreeable.  He  warmed  curiously  when  Anne  was  present. 
Her  love  seemed  to  enfranchise  him  from  any  lingering 
awkwardness  or  over-sensitive  feeling.  Neither  was  he 
deficient  in  fine  tastes  or  cultivation ;  and  I  soon  found 
that  many  a  woman  might  be  satisfied  with  such  a  des- 
tiny. 

Walter  Sutherland  was  still  delicate,  though  slowly  im- 
proving. His  passionate  thirst  for  art,  and  his  ambition 
to  be  able  to  distinguish  himself,  were  dangerous  aliments 
for  such  a  highly-wrought  organization.  I  smiled  over  the 
many  efforts  Mr.  Otis  made  to  turn  his  attention  into  other 
channels,  and  give  the  physique  a  chance  with  the  restless 
brain,  wondering  how  he  could  understand  and  minister  so 
well. 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  207 

After  a  few  clays'  consideration  I  wrote  to  Aylmer.  I 
did  not  make  the  slightest  allusion  to  the  story  I  had 
heard,  but  confessed  my  own  dissatisfaction  with  the  en- 
gagement, and  proposed  that  it  should  be  relinquished,  as 
I  was  quite  confident  that  I  should  not  find  my  highest 
happiness  in  its  consummation ;  —  a  cool,  dispassionate 
letter,  that  betrayed  not  the  slightest  haste  or  anger,  for 
beyond  my  irritation  at  his  faithlessness  and  duplicity,  I 
was  not  at  all  wounded  —  perhaps  only  too  glad  to  have 
the  crisis  come  in  this  manner. 

Still  I  waited  in  a  peculiar  state  of  mind,  wondering  a 
little  in  what  mood  he  would  answer. 

Was  the  man  radically  false,  or  was  it  only  the  result  of 
a  facile  temperament,  and  utter  want  of  conscience  ?  For 
I  believe,  in  his  long  and  closely  written  epistle,  he  ac- 
tually persuaded  himself  tluit  he  loved  me,  that  he  would 
suffer  acutely  in  giving  me  up;  but,  since  it  was  my  desire, 
he  could  not  insist  upon  anything  that  was  likely  to  render 
me  unhappy.  He  spoke  of  the  delightful  past  with  touch- 
ing pathos  —  the  walks,  the  tender  conversations,  the  hopes 
we  had  cherished,  and  the  void  that  would  remain  to  him. 
Yet  he  did  not  implore  me  to  change  my  mind,  or  threaten 
any  deed  of  desperate*  daring.  Instead,  he  breathed  a 
hope  that,  though  love  between  us  might  be  dead,  friend- 
ship would  still  remain. 

Alas,  when  confidence  had  ended  with  me,  all  was  over. 
I  could  meet  Hugh  Graham  with  a  true  and  tender  regard ; 
but  if  this  handsome  face  ever  crossed  my  path,  I  should 
feel  tempted  to  spurn  it  with  unutterable  loathing. 

But  even  this  incident  did  not  detract  from  the  pleas- 
ure of  my  visit.  I  felt  that  in  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Otis  I  had 
friends  for  life,  friends  that  I  could  count  upon  in  any 
emergency. 

On  my  return  to  Laurelwood,  I  gathered  together  Ayl- 


208  SYDXIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

mcr's  gifts,  elegant  and  fanciful,  like  himself — jewels  with 
quaint  devices,  books  superb  in  their  binding  —  and  was 
making  a  package,  when  Mi's.  Lawrence  tapped  lightly  at 
the  door,  and  then  entered.  My  face  was  dyed  the  deepest 
scai  k-t. 

"Excuse  me;"  and  she  drew  back,  hesitatingly. 

"I  must  tell  you,"  I  began,  with  desperate  courage. 
"The  engagement  between  Mr.  Channing  and  myself  has 
ended." 

"  Sydnie ! "  She  stood  pale  and  trembling  with  aston- 
ishment. 

"  We  have  decided  that  it  would  not  be  for  our  highest 
happiness.  I  believe  he  understands  it  as  well  as  I ;"  and 
there  was  a  touch  of  scorn  in  my  voice. 

"And  you  allowed  this  nonsense  to  ruin  such  brilliant 
prospects  ?  Are  you  crazy  ?  " 

"The  brilliant  prospects  did  not  tempt  me  at  all." 

"They  would  have  tempted  any  other  woman.  What 
else  could  you  ask?  And  I  thought  you  had  satisfied 
yourself  about  the  love." 

"  I  believe  it  was  only  a  passing  fancy  with  him :  I  find 
that  I  was  quite  mistaken  concerning  my  own  regard." 

"  He  might  be  a  little  wavering,  but  you,  of  all  other 
women,  could  have  held  him  true.  Your  beauty  that  never 
palls,  your  voice,  your  spirit  and  vaiicty  would  have  kept 
him  captive  forever,  if  you  had  so  willed.  Of  all  folly  this 
is  the  wildest." 

I  had  never  seen  her  so  thoroughly  roused. 

"I  should  not  want  a  husband  whose  affections  it  was 
necessary  to  retain  by  continuous  effort,"  I  said,  haughtily. 

"  With  all  your  endowments  I  can  foresee  that  your  life 
will  prove  an  utter  failure,  and  all  on  account  of  these  ro- 
mantic follies.  Was  ever  a  woman  so  short-sighted?" 

u  The  fault  is  not  entirely  mine,"  I  returned,  warmly. 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  209 

"Last  summer  I  heard  that  Mr.  Channing  had  been 
strongly  attracted  by  Miss  Ray  nor,  his  step-mother's  sister. 
He  needed  only  to  be  brought  within  trhe  circle  of  her  in- 
fluence again  to  have  the  charm  completed.  Knowing 
this,  I  preferred  to  resign  him  while  my  claim  was  yet 
undisputed." 

"  A  false,  foolish  story !  Miss  Raynor  has  nothing  but 
her  beauty,  and  that  is  not  to  be  compared  to  yours.  You 
have  been  most  hasty  and  unwise.  Is  it  too  late  to  repair 
the  mischief?  " 

"  Too  late.  Even  if  I  could  yet  believe  him  true,  which 
I  do  not,  I  should  still  refuse  to  marry  him.  I  learned, 
before  he  left  us  in  December,  that  he  was  not  all  that  I  had 
fancied  him,  or  even  what  I  desired." 

"  You  will  never  find  what  you  desire." 

"  Perhaps  not." 

"And  these  Raynors  are  poor,  miserable  schemers. 
What  girl  of  eighteen  would  marry  a  man  three  times 
her  age  except  for  his  money?  More  than  once  this  wily 
step-mother  has  tried  to  entangle  Aylmer.  And  if  you 
had  made  the  slightest  effort  —  " 

"I  did  not  consider  his  salvation  worth  any  effort  on  my 
part;"  and  I  smiled  disdainfully. 

"  So  I  perceive.     Poor  Aylmer ! " 

"  I  don't  think  that  I  could  have  helped  his  liking  Miss 
Raynor,"  I  said,  rather  indignantly,  "and  I  was  not  anxious 
to  be  jilted  —  for  it  would  have  come  to  that.  I  consider 
that  I  have  had  a  very  fortunate  escape  in  any  event." 

"  What  step  do  you  propose  next  ?  "  and  there  was  some 
irony  in  her  tone. 

"  I  have  not  decided  ; "  and  I  smiled,  in  spite  of  my  irri- 
tation. 

"  Do  you  remember  your  age  ?  " 

"Almost  twenty :  quite  ancient,  I  must  confess." 
14 


210  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

"Yon  will  not  be  likely  to  find  any  better  chances  for 
marriage  than  those  you  have  passed  by.  I  think  you 
have  had  everything  offered  you.  It  stamps  a  woman's 
success  to  marry  whi'e  she  is  still  admired  and  sought  after. 
If  she  waits,  the  world  throws  up  its  hands,  and  says,  in  a 
tone  of  relief,  '  Well,  she's  married  at  last?  as  if  one  had 
tried  all  one's  life  to  bring  about  the  event." 

"  I  don't  trouble  myself  about  the  world,  and  certainly 
shall  not  marry  for  the  sake  of  any  favorable  verdict  it  may 
give." 

"  It  is  not  a  pleasant  thing  to  be  thrust  aside  where  you 
have  once  reigned;  to  find  yourself  superseded  by  younger 
and  fairer  women.  I  wish  you  could  have  been  married 
without  any  of  this  nonsense." 

I  thought  of  that  December  night  with  a  shiver. 

UI  ought  never  to  have  made  the  engagement,"  I  said, 
with  sonic  remorse.  "  Aylmcr  attracted  me  wonderfully 
at  first,  but  I  never  loved  him." 

"  How  pertinaciously  you  keep  to  that  theme  !  You  will 
never  love,  then;  for  he  was  acknowledged  to  be  irresisti- 
ble. And  it  is  rather  mortifying,  when  I  took  such  pains 
to  convince  Stuart  that  you  did  love  him.  You  know  he 
insisted  that  you  did  not  understand  your  own  desires  on 
the  subject.  We  can  hardly  blame  him  for  enjoying  his 
triumph." 

That  stung  me.  The  mocking,  satirical  smile  flashed 
across  my  vision  —  the  face  that  could  torture  one  with  a 
look,  the  voice  whose  tones  could  cut  like  a  keen  sword. 
Well,  there  was  no  escape. 

"  I  really  hope  you  will  come  to  your  senses  some  time," 
she  said,  sweeping  out  of  the  room. 

I  felt  that  I  had  seriously  offended  her.  She  had  been 
very  kind,  indeed,  and  taken  an  infinite  deal  of  trouble 
with  my  belongings.  If  I  had  married  well,  she  would 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  211 

have  been  amply  satisfied ;  but  what  if  I  never  married 
at  all  ? 

I  resolved,  if  there  should  be  any  further  discomfort, 
that  I  would  propose  a  change  of  abode.  Then  my  heart 
gave  a  great  gasp.  To  leave  Laurel  wood,  bid  it  farewell 
for  all  lime  —  could  I  do  it  ? 

Mr.  St.  John  appeared  to  take  the  knowledge  of  the 
present  state  of  affairs  very  coolly  indeed.  I  despatched 
my  package,  cleared  away  the  mental  debris,  and  then  pro- 
ceeded to  take  a  survey  of  my  situation.  Were  all  the  years 
to  go  on  like  these  two,  appreciating  no  claims  but  those 
of  society — dressing,  visiting,  dancing,  and  flirting?  I  really 
longed  to  try  the  world  in  some  other  guise.  "What  could 
women  do  ?  Nothing  but  many,  it  seemed,  unless  they 
possessed  a  remarkable  genius,  or  were  compelled  to  toil 
for  a  livelihood.  Neither  of  these  reached  my  case.  "Weari- 
ness and  ennui  staring  me  in  the  face,  I  actually  envied 
those  to  whom  fate  had  apportioned  useful  lives. 

I  took  up  my  books  with  a  spasmodic  effort.  I  practised 
music,  read  French  and  German,  and  indulged  i;i  long 
rambles.  If  Mr.  St.  John  found  me  thus  employed,  a  pe- 
culiar smile  would  wander  across  his  face.  We  had  both 
observed  a  long  truce,  and  I  had  a  misgiving  that  the 
battle  would  open  soon. 

"  How  very  industrious  you  have  grown,"  he  said,  find- 
ing me  on  the  balcony  one  afternoon.  "  What  is  the  new 
aim?" 

"  I  am  not  sure  that  I  have  any  aim,"  I  answered,  list- 
lessly. 

"  You  are  despondent.  Miss  Adriance,  it  will  never  do 
to  take  a  lover's  defection  so  seriously.  It  is  one  of  the 
chances  of  the  service,  you  know." 

The  hot  blood  rushed  to  my  face.  "I  am  not  in  the 
slightest  degree  lovelorn,"  I  answered,  shortly. 


212  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OB 

"A  female  Alexander,  grieved  that  there  are  no  more 
empires  to  conquer.  You  have  grown  discouraged  early 
in  the  fray." 

"  I  have  no  desire  for  such  paltry  triumphs,"  I  returned, 
haughtily. 

"  Paltry !  A  man's  heart  thus  to  be  contemned !  You 
are  pitiless." 

"  I  have  won  no  heart  that  could  suffer  in  being  cast 
aside." 

"  You  do  not  hold  your  lovers  in  very  high  esteem.  It 
is  like  a  woman." 

That  roused  me.  "  When  one  true  lover  sues  to  me,  I 
shall  respect  him  at  least,  if  I  cannot  return  his  regard." 

"  And  all  the  rest  is  most  convenient  pastime  —  flirting." 

"  I  have  not  flirted,"  I  rejoined,  angrily. 

"  What  do  you  call  the  episode  with  Mr.  Channing  ?  " 

"  Not  that,  at  least." 

"  Then  you  did  love  him  ?" 

There  was  a  fierce  gleam  in  his  hard  eyes,  and  a  sudden 
sharp  frown  settled  about  his  brow. 

"  I  did  not  love  him.  I  was  strongly  attracted,  and  per- 
haps overpcrsuaded  by  the  apparent  tenderness  of  his 
regard  for  me.  I  honestly  tried  to  do  my  duty,  and  when 
I  became  convinced  that  I  could  not,  asked  to  be  released 
from  my  promise." 

"  And  this  is  a  woman's  boasted  constancy !  So  infatu- 
ated that  she  can  listen  to  no  reason,  ready  to  throw  her 
whole  life  away,  and  in  six  months'  time  so  weary  of  her 
bond  that  she  sues  for  release." 

"  It  is  possible  that  one  can  be  mistaken  in  a  person.  I 
do  not  pride  myself  upon  my  penetration  or  infallible  judg- 
ment." 

"Alas,  if  love  is  held  subject  to  idle  caprices!  And  your 
mistake  in  Aylraer  was  one  of  wilful  blindness.  You  were 
warned  repeatedly." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  213 

"  How  was  I  warned  ?  "  I  exclaimed,  afljish  with  indig- 
nation. "You  refused  to  do  him  even  common  justice. 
You  were  unreasonable,  severe,  and  caustic.  One  is  apt  to 
espouse  the  cause  of  the  wronged." 

"You  are  extremely  generous,  Miss  Adriance!  Mr. 
Channing  requited  your  chivalrous  affection  very  poorly 
indeed.  I  think  I  did  him  full  justice  in  warning  you  at 
all.  If  I  had  not  considered  him  likely  to  win  a  woman's 
favor,  I  should  have  held  my  peace,  and  thereby  saved  an 
immense  reputation  for  cruelty." 

"A  regard  that  is  generous  and  tender  always  appeals 
powerfully,"  I  said.  "  One  can  hardly  be  sufficiently  sus- 
picious to  question  it  in  the  beginning." 

"And  these  are  the  men  who  succeed!"  he  said,  bitter- 
ly, curling  his  haughty  lip.  "  They  can  fawn  and  flatter, 
and  please  a  woman's  fancy,  while  truth  stands  aloof,  too 
proud  to  degrade  itself." 

"No,"  I  returned;  "what  we  most  desire  is  apprecia- 
tion. Occasionally  we  are  betrayed  by  a  semblance  of  it." 

"If  half  the  time  and  talent  spent  in  rendering  women 
artificial  and  heartless  was  devoted  to  a  better  purpose, 
there  would  be  something  to  appreciate,"  he  said,  savagely. 

"  Why  do  not  men  offer  a  premium  on  the  virtues,  then  ? 
The  women  who  succeed  the  most  brilliantly  in  life  are 
not  the  high-toned,  truthful,  and  pure  in  soul.  Half  a 
dozen  really  noble,  natural  girls,  who  have  not  made  dress 
and  attractiveness  their  highest  study,  will  be  eclipsed  in  a 
room  by  one  handsome,  elegantly  attired  woman,  who  has 
learned  to  make  the  most  of  herself  in  the  manner  society 
approves.  Educated  and  accomplished  men  single  her 
out,  and  pay  her  marked  attention.  Patient  wives  are  not 
infrequently  neglected  for  her,  and  hearts  that  have  been 
musing  over  happy  dreams,  in  all  the  sweetness  of  a  first 
unshaken  trust,  find  themselves  rudely  pierced  by  careless- 


214  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

ness  on  the  part  of  the  man  from  whom  they  have  a  right 
to  expect  better  tilings." 

"  But  these  are  the  acknowledged  coquettes  in  society. 
Men  do  not  so  often  seek  them  in  marriage.1' 

"Pardon  me.  Some  of  these  women  have  three  chances 
for  marriage  where  others  have  scarcely  one." 

"Marriage  being  the  great  end  and  aim  of  existence," 
he  said,  sneeringly. 

"  We  must  confess  that  it  is.  Ordinarily  we  do  not  find 
a  single  woman  of  forty  the  recipient  of  as  many  polite 
attentions  as  those  who  are  younger.  She  is  not  held  in 
the  same  esteem  as  if  she  had  improved  her  chances  for 
matrimony.  She  may  have  grown  nobler  and  richer  in 
many  directions;  more  refined,  capable  of  receiving  higher 
truths  and  obeying  the  dictates  of  loftier  virtues.  The 
probability  is  that  nine  people  out  of  ten  'will  sneer  a  lit- 
tle, and  remark  how  queer  she  has  become." 

"You  have  been  converted  to  a  new  faith,  Miss  Adri- 
ance.  This  was  not  the  belief  of  your  'salad  days,'  as 
Cleopatra  terms  her  unwisdom." 

UI  have  had  the  world  to  study  since  that  time." 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  don't  become  cynical.  Leave  that 
to  the  sterner  sex." 

"Will  not  the  armor  answer  equally  well  for  both?  If 
men  can  intrench  themselves  behind  it,  and  fling  out 
pointed  arrows,  indifferent  as  to  whom  they  may  wound, 
why  may  it  not  be  pastime  for  a  woman  ?  " 

For  once  I  had  met  the  enemy  on  his  own  ground.  He 
bit  his  lip,  and  there  was  a  moment's  silence  between  us. 

"You  are  making  rapid  strides,"  he  said,  at  length. 
"What  do  you  propose  to  do  next?  I  should  really  like 
to  be  forewarned." 

"  What  I  do  cannot  be  of  much  importance,"  I  said, 
carelessly.  "A  woman's  scope  doesn't  seem  to  be  very 
extensive." 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  215 

"  0,  you  can  write  a  book,  you  know.  That's  a  dernier 
resort  after  being  in  love." 

I  would  not  let  him  rouse  me  to  anger. 

"Since  you  advise  it,  I  may  possibly  try,"  I  returned, 
calmly. 

"No,  I  don't  advise  it.  Reading  German  metaphysics 
is  bad  enough.  But  there  is  little  danger,  since  you  are 
not  particularly  amenable  to  counsel." 

"  No  one  has  ever  taken  sufficient  interest  in  my  wel- 
fare to  counsel  me  in  any  of  the  great  emergencies  of  life. 
If  a  woman  possesses  intellect  and  power,  why  should  she 
not  use  it  ?  Must  we  be  continually  sent  back  to  our  mir- 
rors and  our  dresses  ?  " 

"Inconsequent,  as  your  sex  invariably  prove." 

"If  yours  are  so  wise,  why  not  instruct  us?" 

"O!"  he  exclaimed,  with  sudden  vehemence,  "if  human 
nature  was  not  steeped  in  this  blind,  selfish  egotism!  If 
any  one  dared  to  live  a  true,  honest  life,  instead  of  over- 
laying it  with  detestable  shams !  Have  not  men  in  all 
ages  given  preference  to  fond,  simple-hearted  women,  who 
were  not  too  proud  to  glory  in  their  birthright  of  pure, 
tender,  endining  affection,  that  no  trials  bhinch,  no  time 
dimmed  ?  And  when  they  accept  this  for  their  mission, 
when  the  strength  and  sweetness  of  their  souls  tend  to 
this  high  spiritual  elevation,  there  will  be  no  need  of  grasp- 
ing feverishly  at  fancied  tasks." 

"Will  it  make  a  woman  less  tender  to  have  noble  aspi- 
rations or  well-developed  ideas  of  life?" 

"  A  dream  rarely  realized  —  but  then  what  dreams  are  ?  " 
and  he  turned  abruptly  away. 

What  dreams  are  ?  It  fell  mournfully  on  my  soul,  like 
a  strain  of  sad,  dying  music.  Why  did  we  live  at  all,  if 
to  be  forever  unsatisfied?  Why  were  these  wants  pertain- 
ing to  the  pure  and  profound  estates  of  mortal  being  given 


216  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

to  us,  if  they  were  not  to  be  realized  in  this  land  of  their 
birth  ?  Would  it  not  be  pitiful  for  a  soul  to  drop  out  of 
the  world,  never  having  known  that  completeness  it  felt 
surely  fitted  for? 

Something  woke  a  new  chord  in  my  inmost  being.  I  do 
not  think  I  was  born  a  poet;  the  glorious  dawn,  with  its 
intense  beauty,  the  silence  of  the  purple  twilight,  with  its 
mysterious  charm,  and  the  vague  unrest  of  solitary  nights, 
when  the  soul  seems  to  brood  in  an  unearthly  atmosphere, 
thrilled  me  with  speechless  emotion.  But  there  were 
other  avenues  for  thought.  Women  had  trod  in  these 
paths  and  found  them  pleasant.  Even  if  I  did  not  succeed 
brilliantly,  would  it  not  be  better  than  this  tiresome  round 
of  dressing,  dancing,  and  admiration? 

Mr.  St.  John  was  a  good  deal  surprised  at  the  announce- 
ment of  Aylmer  Channing's  marriage.  Mrs.  Lawrence 
had  not  recovered  her  equanimity  on  the  subject.  I  fore- 
saw that  she  would  have  hard  work  to  forgive  me.  Sweet 
as  she  was,  she  could  show  her  displeasure  in  many  ways, 
and  occasionally  made  me  feel  quite  uncomfortable. 

This  matter  was  soon  forgotten  in  one  of  much  more 
importance.  Mrs.  Lawrence  received  word  that  a  large 
investment  in  Cuba,  which  had  hitherto  been  very  profit- 
able, required  immediate  attention.  Mr.  Lawrence's  sister 
had  married  a  Spaniard ;  and  the  brothers-in-law  had 
both  been  concerned  in  the  same  business.  Mr.  Carme 
had  met  with  heavy  losses,  and  there  would  be  important 
changes  made. 

"I  think  I  had  better  go  at  once,"  Mr.  St.  John  pro- 
posed. "It  is  May  now,  and  I  can  be  back  before  the  sea- 
son of  extreme  heat.  A  person  on  the  spot  can  manage 
so  much  better,  as  writing  delays  interminably." 

Mrs.  Lawrence  was  pleased,  and  the  arrangements  were 
speedily  made.  A  brief  absence  to  be  sure,  but  I  could 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  217 

not  help  thinking  how  odd  Laurelwood  would  appear  with- 
out Mr.  St.  John. 

"  What  a  happy  time  you  will  have,"  he  said,  on  the 
last  evening  of  his  stay,  sauntering  down  to  the  window 
where  I  sat  in  the  soft  twilight  of  the  moonless  night. 
"For  the  next  two  months  you  will  be  quite  free  to  follow 
your  own  devices." 

"Believe  that  I  feel  exceedingly  grateful  for  all  past 
care,"  I  returned,  with  mock  humility. 

"No,  you  don't,  either;."  and  his  tone  was  strangely  ex- 
cited. "Think  of  the  many  times  you  have  positively 
hated  my  interference.  But  for  me  you  might  have  been 
a  happy  wife."  . 

"  You  are  cruel,"  I  said,  wounded  to  the  quick. 

"  And  you  are  a  mystery  to  me.  Did  he  never  call  forth 
any  responsive  affection  ?  Doesn't  the  memory  of  some 
sweet  phantom  hope  stir  your  heart  with  strange  longings  ? 
—  for  you  are  neither  ice  nor  marble.  There  is  the  fire 
of  a  very  volcano  in  your  eyes,  and  there  must  have  been 
moments  when  it  found  vent  and  swept  all  before  it. 
Great  heavens!  that  such  an  offering  should  have  been 
laid  at  a  man's  feet,  and  trampled  upon ! " 

He  was'moved  from  his  usual  self-poise,  and  his  vehe- 
mence affected  me  singularly.  I  trembled  in  every  limb. 

"I  think  you  make  some  mistake  in  regard  to  Mr. 
Channing.  He  gave  much  and  demanded  little.  He  was 
engrossed  with  his  own  feelings  and  enjoyments,  and  never 
sought  to  fathorn  the  depths  of  my  soul.  If  he  had,  I 
should  have  known  the  truth  sooner  myself." 

"  And  there  was  a  place  in  your  heart  that  his  sweetness 
and  beauty  never  touched.  Some  chord  sacred  to  a  mas- 
ter hand,  that  gave  forth  no  responsive  music?  Yet  you 
put  on  the  semblance  skilfully !  Miss  Adriance,  how  much 
truth  is  there  in  a  woman  ?  " 


218  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

His  mocking  words  and  scornful  manner  stung  me,  and 
I  replied  with  some  passion,  — 

"I  was  weary,  heart-sick.  You  had  shown  yourself 
most  ungentle  ;  ridiculed  the  faith  I  might  have  had,  made 
light  of  my  earnest  endeavors,  taunted  me  beyond  endur- 
ance !  Sympathy  and  rest  were  sweet.  It  was  my  mis- 
fortune that  I  accepted  too  readily  ;  but  that  being  done,  I 
endeavored  to  perform  my  duty." 

"Well,  why  did  you  give  up  this  high  notion  of  duty?" 

"  Because  I  found  that  another  could  be  as  dear  to  him. 
"Was  it  necessary  to  doom  myself  to  misery  for  a  strict 
point  of  honor  ?  " 

"But  you  couldn't  have  known  this  when  —  " 

"  I  did,"  I  confessed  with  a  secret  mortification.  "  I  heard 
it  before  I  had  taken  any  positive  step;  but  my  resolve 
had  been  made  long  ore  that." 

"  I  knew  you  never  loved  him.  I  read  your  secret  in  a 
dozen  different  ways.  But  you  can  bear  no  advice,  no 
counsel!  You  would  martyr  yourself  for  pride's  sake, 
while  love  stood  shivering  at  the  door  where  you  refused 
him  entrance." 

His  masterly  bearing,  and  stern,  cutting  tones,  roused 
me  to  instant  defiance. 

"When  did  you  counsel?"  I  began,  springing  up. 
"You  used  to  taunt  me  with  being  an  undeveloped  girl, 
ridicule  my  aims,  my  desires,  my  tenderest  feelings,  ur.til 
I  was  fain  to  hide  them  from  your  sight.  But  when  did 
you  ever  speak  of  the  rocks,  the  quicksands,  of  the  torta- 
ous  path  where  one  might  go  forever  astray?  You  were 
hard,  and  cold,  and  cruel !  " 

"As  if  anything  could  have  made  a  difference  with 
you ! " 

How  he  maddened  mo !  I  was  not  the  strong,  domi- 
nant, self-willed  woman  he  would  persist  in  believing  rne. 
Could  he  ever  understand  ? 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  219 

He  took  my  hands  in  his,  and  said,  in  a  tone  so  low  that 
it  sounded  like  a  mere  whisper,  but  was  wonderfully  dis- 
tinct,— 

"  How  many  times  will  a  woman's  conscience  allow  her 
to  repeat  the  most  sacred  words  and  endearments  of  love? 
Will  they  have  any  meaning  when  you  utter  them  again?" 
and  he  made  a  gesture  of  bitter  contempt. 

I  felt  my  courage  yielding.  What  right  had  he  to 
torture  me  thus  ?  My  eyes  filled  with  tears  of  pain  and 
shame. 

"  I  shall  never  utter  them  but  once  with  truth,"  I  said, 
vainly  trying  to  steady  my  voice.  "  And  that  time  is  yet 
to  come." 

Then  I  would  have  broken  away,  but  his  grasp  upon 
me  tightened.  He  turned  me  quite  around  so  that  my 
face  came  in  range  of  the  long  rny  of  distant  lamplight ; 
I  could  feel  that  his  glance  was  like  flame,  and  devoured 
every  passing  emotion.  Scarlet  flushes  stole  from  brow 
to  throat,  and  I  trembled  in  every  limb. 

"  Yet  to  come,"  he  repeated  in.  a  tone  that  thrilled 
me,  it  had  softened  so  exquisitely.  "  What  surety  have 
I  that  other  false  vows  may  not  be  breathed?" 

"  None,"  I  replied,  impelled  to  the  truth  by  his  steady 
eye,  "save  that  the  mistakes  of  the  past  have  proved  so 
bitter  that  I  should  dread  ever  to  renew  them." 

"Let  the  past  with  all  its  failures  be  forgotten;"  and 
he  drew  me  towards  him  in  a  tender  clasp.  "The  present 
is  mine  to  make  of  it  what  I  can.  We  will  not  rush  into 
any  headlong  folly,  but  patiently  abide  our  fate." 

Did  I  hear  aright !  Every  pulse  throbbed  and  quivered 
with  a  new  and  intense  emotion.  I  felt  the  sweet,  lin- 
gering kisses  of  fire  upon  my  -lips,  absorbing  soul  and 
sense.  O,  I  knew  now  what  it  was  to  love,  to  be  beloved  ? 
Nothing  could  ever  make  me  prove  recreant  to  that  trust. 


220  SYDNIE    ADRIANCE,    OR 

What  more  might  have  been  uttered  I  know  not,  but 
there  was  a  gentle  rustle  in  the  hall,  and  Mrs.  Lawrence 
entered  the  drawing-room.  Mr.  St.  John  released  me 
without  any  perceptible  stir,  bending  over  once  and  whis- 
pering—  "Remember,"  and  then  we  both  were  outwardly 
calm. 

She  had  thought  ^of  another  item  or  two,  and  as  he 
was  to  start  early  in  the  morning,  explained  them  now. 
I  sat  by  in  silence,  occasionally  catching  a  fiery  gleam 
from  the  eyes  that  were  lakes  of  luminous  light.  I  fancied 
there  was  a  strange  depth  in  his  voice,  and  every  intona- 
tion thrilled  through  me.  We  said  no  more  that  night, 
or  in  the  morning  either,  for  though  I  came  down  to  the 
early  breakfast,  we  were  not  alone.  Perhaps  he  might 
have  made  an  opportunity,  but  he  carried  himself  with 
regal  pride.  I  felt  his  power  in  the  very  air  I  breathed, 
and  was  subdued  by  the  subtle  magnetism.  Now  and 
then  he  gave  me  a  peculiar  bright,  fascinating  look,  that 
was  not  a  smile,  and  yet  answered  for  both  smile  and 
words. 

"  He  shall  see  that  I  can  deserve  his  trust,"  I  mentally 
.resolved  with  my  farewell.  And  yet  a  chill  struck  to  the 
core  of  my  heart  —  how  would  we  meet  again  ? 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  221 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

11  Lord  of  my  learning  and  no  land  besides." 

SliAKSPEARE. 

MRS.  LAWRENCE  began  to  discuss  our  summer  arrange- 
ments presently.  Where  should  we  go  ?  what  should  we 
do?  She  left  the  choice  of  place  entirely  to  me. 

"We  can  hardly  look  for  Stuart  until  the  middle  of 
July,"  she  said.  "He  will  be  rather  tired  out  with  his 
jaunt,  and'  perhaps  not  care  to  undertake  another,  so  we 
can  inake  our  arrangements  without  reference  to  him." 

"  Why  should  we  go  at  all  ?  "  I  replied.  "  Laurelwood 
is  as  lovely  as  any  place  I  have  seen." 

"There  will  be  very  little  society  through  the  summer." 

"Never  mind  society  for  once.  I  think  I  should  like  to 
have  a  good  long  restful  summer  here." 

"Very  well.  We  will  stay  until  Stuart's  return,  at 
least." 

I  was  decidedly  pleased.  Not  for  worlds  would  I  have 
been  absent  then.  I  had  a  gratifying  belief  that  he  would 
approve  of  this  partial  seclusion. 

And  now  I  asked  myself  what  I  should  do.  To  brood 
constantly  over  the  beguiling  visions  that  floated  through 
my  brain  would  hardly  be  wise.  And  then  I  remembered 
how  oddly  I  was  situated. 

I  could  not  absolutely  consider  myself  engaged  ;  indeed, 
as  for  real  love-making,  there  had  been  very  little.  Mr.  St. 
John  was  peculiar.  Did  I  understand  him  at  all?  Was 
I  certain  that  our  natures  would  assimilate  —  harmonize? 


222  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

I  wondered  if  any  woman  had  ever  taken  destiny  in 
such  a  fashion  before?  There  was  only  one  fact  of  which 
I  did  feel  confident.  Through  the  exercise  of  some  curious 
power,  Mr.  St.  John  was  able  to  sw"ay  every  thought  and. 
feeling.  Was  this  love  ?  His  approval  was  more  to  me 
than  the  opinion  of  the  whole  world  besides.  His  very 
presence  filled  my  soul  with  radiant  delight,  and  yet  I 
experienced  a  strange  fear  concerning  him.  The  possibility 
of  his  being  completely  my  master  loomed  threateningly 
before  me.  It  would  be  sweet,  indeed,  to  yield  from  a 
deep,  tender,  overpowering  affection. 

A  year  ago  I  should  have  made  an  ideal  and  an  idol  of 
him  at  once.  I  seemed  to  have  more  self-poise,  more 
wisdom,  and  though  I  was  capable  of  experiencing  a  much 
deeper  and  more  absorbing  passion,  I  likewise  appeared 
to  demand  more  in  return.  Had  I  grown  selfish,  exacting? 

I  left  off  thinking  of  myself,  and  turned  to  Nature. 
Never  had  she  been  lovelier.  I  indulged  in  long,  solitary 
rambles  and  delightful  communings;  delicious  reveries 
that  inthralled  both  heart  and  brain.  The  fires  of  youth 
lost  their  fierceness,  seeming  more  like  the  perfect  golden 
glow  of  sunset. 

Mr.  St.  John  wrote  that  the  business  was  much  more 
complicated  than  he  supposed,  and  that  he  was  unable  to 
fix  upon  any  period  of  return,  but  that  it  would  be  as 
speedy  as  circumstances  would  permit.  We  were  rather 
quiet,  for  Mrs.  Lawrence  left  me  much  to  my  own  devices. 
In  this  mood  of  brooding  repose  a  tiny  flame  of  ambition 
sprang  up.  Mr.  St.  John  had  satirically  said  —  write  a 
book.  Have  we  not  all  a  thread  of  romance  within  us? 
And  so  I  began. 

How  the  days  passed  I  scarcely  remember.  They  were 
like  dreams  perfected  by  sweetest  music.  I  neither  looked 
forward  nor  backward,  but  simply  waited. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  223 

Suddenly  the  music  censed  ;  the  spell  was  broken, 

My  eyes  were  wandering  carelessly  over  the  paper  one 
morning  as  we  still  lingered  in  the  breakfast-room,  when 
my  attention  was  suddenly  arrested  by  the  announcement 
of  the  failure  of  a  large  New  York  and  Baltimore  house, 
and  the  suicide  of  one  of  the  partners.  My  fortune  was 
swept  away  at  a  single  blow ! 

I  sat  there  in  silence.  When  the  fire  has  burned  to 
ashes,  one  does  not  look  for  a  torch  to  rekindle  it.  There 
must  be  wood  to  sustain  a  new  flame.  The  old  has  per- 
ished beyond  recall. 

"What  is  the  matter,  Sydnie  ?"  and  I  saw  Mrs.  Law- 
rence making  a  siufden  movement  towards  me.  "You  are 
as  pale  as  a  ghost." 

"  A  poor  way  to  bear  misfortune; "  and  my  lip  quivered, 
failing  miserably  in  an  attempt  at  a  smile. 

"Misfortune?"     Her  tone  was  incredulous. 

I  handed  her  the  paper. 

"  An  utter  failure  J  O,  it  cannot  be  quite  true.  These 
things  are  always  abominably  exaggerated.  How  unfor- 
tunate that  Stuart  is  away!  I  will  send  for  Mr.  Northrnp 
—  he  may  know  how  to  advise;"  and  she  did  despatch 
a  servant  immediately  for  the  county  lawyer. 

We  walked  slowly  through  the  hall.  It  was  a  warm, 
morning;  but  the  fragrant  air  revived  me. 

"  My  poor  child,  I  cannot  express  my  sorrow  nor  my 
sympathy.  I  only  hope  we  shall  not  find  it  as  bad  as  we 
expect." 

What  did  I  expect  ?  Literally  nothing.  I  felt  crushed 
and  overwhelmed.  I  cannot  say  that  I  had  ever  experi- 
enced any  strong  love  for  poverty,  and  now  I  shrank  from 
the  crisis  with  a  trembling  in  every  nerve.  Very  weak 
and  ignoble  perhaps,  but  I  could  not  help  it. 

Mr.  Northrup  was  not  at  home ;  and  two  days  elapsed 


224  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OR 

before  he  made  his  appearance.  By  this  time  the  first 
accounts  had  become  well  authenticated.  The  old  story 
of  extravagant  living,  speculation,  inevitable  disgrace,  and 
death.  My  sympathies  were  strangely  interested  in  behalf 
of  the  family  so  suddenly  plunged  into  deepest  gloom. 

"  My  dear,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  said,  in  her  sweetest  tone, 
"if  you  only  had  married  Aylmer.  He  would  never  have 
thought  twice  of  the  loss." 

My  lip  curled  involuntarily. 

"I  think  it  would  be  best  to  take  a  little  trip  north. 
Your  outfit  of  last  winter  can  be  made  beautifully  availa- 
ble with  very  little  expense ;  and  few  will  know  of  the 
misfortune.  You  still  have  your  beauty." 

"No,"  I  said,  decisively,  "I  cannot  take  part  in  such  a 
farce." 

"  What  will  you  do  then  ?  " 

"  Give  music  lessons  or  teach  school,"  I  answered,  reck- 
lessly. 

"  Sydnie,  I  beg  you  will  not  do  anything  rash  nor  fool- 
ish. You  have  many  friends,  and  sufiicient  attraction  yet 
to  make  a  good  marriage.  Look  at  the  matter  sensibly, 
now,  I  implore  you.  I  have  decided  to  go  to  Washington 
next  winter,  and  I  want  you  to  feel  that  you  would  be 
most  welcome  to  my  care.  I  am  sure  that  you  can  not 
only  retrieve  your  fortune,  but  make  yourself  happy.  You 
•will  marry  sometime." 

She  did  not  in  the  least  suspect  Mr.  St.  John  of  caring 
for  me.  But  in  her  opinion  poverty  was  a  kind  of  pesti- 
lence that  it  was  proper  to  take  any  method  to  be  rid  of. 
I  felt  proud  and  defiant.  Would  Mr.  St.  John  deem  me 
capable  of  mercenary  motives  ? 

Mr.  Northrup  found  affairs  in  the  wildest  confusion. 
The  first  reports  were  but  too  true. 

"  It  is  not  worth  while  to  wony  Stuart  with  it,"  Mrs. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  225 

Lawrence  said.  "  He  will  be  home  soon,  and  then  his 
hearing  cannot  mend  matters.  He  will  regret  the  unfor- 
tunate occurrence  deeply." 

I  hardly  knew  how  I  felt  about  Mr.  St.  John.  Pride 
and  delicacy  revolted  from  making  the  slightest  appeal  to 
him.  All  the  little  tendernesses-  I  had  planned,  and  the 
ready  compliance  I  was  to  show,  looked  too  much  like 
interest.  He  could  make  my  path  very  smooth  in  the 
manner  pointed  out  by  Mrs.  Lawrence,  The  thought 
gave  me  an  uncomfortable  shiver. 

To  please  her  I  had  gone  on  as  usual.  We  had  received 
an  invitation  to  a  birthnight  party  of  a  young  lady,  one 
of  our  neighbors,  and  a  person  I  really  admired.  When  I 
found  that  she  expected  me  to  accompany  her,  I  made  no 
demur;  indeed,  I  anticipated  much  pleasure.  Mrs.  Darrell, 
the  girl's  mother,  had  been  extremely  sympathetic  and 
cordial  to  me ;  and  I  felt  that  no  loss  of  fortune  would 
ever  change  her  regard  for  one  she  liked. 

The  preparations  roused  me  a  little,  brought  me  back 
to  a  more  human  state,  I  resolved  to  enjoy  the  gayeties 
with  as  much  of  the  old  zest  as  possible. 

"How  bright  and  lovely  you  look!"  Mrs.  Lawrence 
said ;  and  I  felt  pleased  with  her  commendation. 

It  was  indeed  a  gala  scene;  the  lawn  hung  with.colored 
lanterns,  and  everywhere  a  profusion  of  fragrant  flowers. 
Great  wreaths  of  roses  swaying  in  the  soft  June  air>  and 
the  walks  lined  with  blossoming  shrubs  of  every  variety, 
the  porches  covered,  and  the  rooms  decorated.  How 
lovely  it  appeared !  and  to  make  the  enchantment  more 
complete,  musicians  had  been  stationed  in  different  parts 
of  the  ground,  and  sweet  melodies  went  wandering  through 
many  a  woodland  path.. 

I  felt  my  spirits  rising.  I  knew  I  looked  well.  Why 
should  I  be  shut  out  of  enjoyment  through  a  loss  brought 
15 


226  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OK 

about  by  no  fault  of  my  own  ?  Was  I  not  the  same  ?  and 
did  I  not  possess  capabilities  that  had  been  mine  a  month 
ago  ?  My  fortune  had  taken  away  no  integral  part  of 
myself. 

They  danced,  chatted,  laughed,  and  made  themselves 
merry.  The  evening  was  half  spent,  perhaps,  when  I 
sauntered  down  a  path,  attracted  by  a  strain  of  sweet 
melody  the  flutes  and  French  horns  were  blowing  out  in 
tremulous  summer  gales.  Then  a  voice  near  me  said, — 

"  So  Miss  Adriance  has  lost  her  fortune.  What  will  she  do?" 

"  Mrs.  Lawrence  is  very  fond  of  her.  I  suppose  she  will 
remain  at  Laurelwood,  as  she  has  no  relatives,"  a  voice  that 
I  recognized  made  answer. 

"  And  marry  Mr.  St.  John."  The  sentence  ended  with 
a  laugh. 

"Mr.  St.  John  isn't  considered  a  marrying  man." 

"  O,  she  will  manage  it.  Beauty  in  tears  is  irresistible. 
Of  course  she  will  go  to  him  for  comfort  and  advice,  and 
he  being  her  guardian  will  feel  moved  in  her  behalf.  You 
may  count  upon  her  being  mistress  of  Laurelwood  in  six 
months." 

And  then  followed  another  mocking  laugh  that  was  like 
a  stab  to  me.  I  had  heard  enough.  Blinded  by  a  sudden 
rush  of  emotion  I  could  hardly  find  my  way  back  to  the 
brilliant  lawn  and  the  dancers. 

I  had  endured  some  petty  slights  before,  but  this  stung 
me  to  the  very  heart.  If  I  should  marry  Mr.  St.  John,  how 
many  would  believe  me  actuated  by  purest  affection,  as 
I  should  be  ?  I  was  hurt,  angry,  and  my  enjoyment  of  the 
evening  came  to  a  sudden  end. 

The  next  day  I  wrote  to  Mrs.  Otis.  Already  she  had 
shown  me  that  I  had  one  steadfest  friend,  at  least,  and 
invited  me  to  visit  her;  indeed,  she  wished  now  that  I 
would  consider  her  home  as  my  own.  I  should  always  be 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  227 

a  most  welcome  guest.  I  had  thanked  her  for  this  kind- 
ness when  I  was  too  deeply  agitated  to  form  any  plans  for 
the  future.  Indeed,  I  did  not  know  as  I  had  any  right. 
But  now  some  wild  motive  urged  me  on.  I  said  frankly 
that  henceforth  I  should  be  compelled  to  earn  my  own 
livelihood.  There  was  but  one  avenue  open  to  me  at 
present  —  teaching  school.  My  musical  abilities  were  of  a 
high  order,  and  I  believed  that  I  could  take  care  of  myself- 
Since  the  effort  must  be  made  some  time,  it  would  be  as 
well,  I  thought,  to  start  about  it  at  once.  But  I  seemed 
quite  at  loss  to  know  to  whom  an  application  might  better 
be  made.  If  she  could  hear  and  advise  me  immediately, 
it  would  be  of  great  assistance. 

I  would  show  Mr.  St.  John  and  his  sister  that  I  dared 
brave  the  evils  of  poverty.  He  should  not  find  me  help- 
less, or  positively  in  want  of  aught  that  he  could  give.  I 
would  not  even  make  an  indirect  appeal  for  counsel. 
Whether  it  was  pride  that  swayed  me,  or  a  just  self- 
respect,  I  would  not  stop  to  consider.  To  be  armed  was 
all  I  cared  for  just  now. 

Probably  no  reverse  of  fortune  was  ever  pleasant. 
During  these  weeks  I  was  in  a  measure  shielded  from 
gossip,  because  a  large  portion  of  the  community  had 
already  started  on  the,ir  phantom  chase  for  summer  pleas- 
ures. But  now  and  then  a  sentence  fell  upon  some  bare, 
shrinking  nerve,  and  gave  me  a  momentary  torture.  I 
really  did  not  dare  to  propose  leaving  Laurelwood,  yet  the 
days  had  lost  all  brightness  and  beauty.  I  grew  morbidly 
sensitive,  and  longed  to  reach  my  true  level,  for  I  knew 
that  in  losing  my  fortune  I  had  lost  caste. 

Anne  enclosed  three  advertisements  in  her  reply  —  two 
for  a  school,  and  one  for  a  governess  in  one  of  the  eastern 
counties  of  Maryland,  where  music  was  made  a  special 
requirement.  This  one  attracted  my  fancy  strongly,  and  I 


228  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OR 

answered  it  immediately,  telling  as  much  of  my  story  as 
was  necessary,  in  order  to  account  for  my  temerity  in  seek- 
ing a  situation  without  reference,  though  I  sent  the  name 
of  Madame  W.,  my  former  preceptress.  What  a  flood 
of  emotion  this  brought  over  me !  I  remembered  the 
day  on  which  I  had  waited  for  Mr.  St.  John  to  come,  the 
strange  journey,  the  welcome  here.  Could  I  go  away? 
Why,  it  would  be  like  leaving  my  soul  behind. 

I  need  not.  I  felt  certain  that  Mr.  St.  John  would  con- 
sider himself  bound  by  those  few  words  spoken  the  night 
before  his  departure.  What  I  wanted  was  not  sympathy 
or  sense  of  obligation,  but  love.  Unless  he  could  give  me 
all  that  I  desired,  I  would  take  nothing  at  his  hands.  If  I 
must  hunger,  it  should  be  in  a  desert,  not  in  a  land  of 
plenty. 

By  one  of  those  odd  circumstances  that  occasionally 
decide  a  fate,  my  application  met  with  a  fortunate  recep- 
tion. Mrs.  Ingalls  had  been  pleased  with  it  —  consulted 
her  husband,  who  advised  her  to  accept.  There  were  two 
girls  nearly  grown  and  five  younger  children.  The  salary 
was  very  fair,  although  it  seemed  a  pitifully  small  sum  to 
me.  My  duties  would  commence  on  the  first  of  September. 
That  I  might  decline  hardly  appeared  to  enter  the  mind 
of  Mrs.  Ingalls. 

I  was  not  prepared  for  so  rapid  a  termination,  and  felt 
rather  startled  at  my  own  haste  and  assurance.  On  the 
same  morning  a  letter  came  from  Mr.  St.  John,  announcing 
that  he  should  start  in  the  next  steamer.  Then  he  would 
soon  be  home  !  I  owed  him  some  duty,  certainly.  I  had 
not  a  perfect  right  to  dispose  of  myself  without  a  slight 
consultation  at  least.  He  was  my  guardian,  if  no  more. 

I  decided  to  wait  until  I  saw  him  before  I  took  any 
positive  step.  The  ease  with  which  I  had  found  this  situa- 
tion gave  me  courage  to  believe  that  if  it  failed,  I  should 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  229 

be  nble  to  secure  something  else  without  much  difficulty. 
I  i'elt  armed,  as  it  were,  to  fight  any  battle  now. 

Such  interminable  days  as  these  were!  I  was  very  quiet 
outwardly,  but  within  reigned  chaos  —  resolves,  prejudices, 
and  events  vibrating  and  influencing  one  another,  until  I 
felt  strangely  irresolute.  Even  the  thought  of  love  ceased 
to  charm. 

The  breach  between  Mrs.  Lawrence  and  myself  widened  * 
perceptibly.  There  was  nothing  tangible  in  her  demeanor; 
indeed,  she  sometimes  appeared  more  solicitous ;  but  I  had 
a  consciousness  that  these  phases  were  not  real,  and  that 
she  assumed  them  from  a  sense  of  duty.  Disliking  the 
senior  Mrs.  Channing,  she  could  not  approve  Aylmer's  mar- 
riage cordially,  and  held  me  in  some  degree  answerable  for 
it.  Besides  this,  she  experienced  a  pang  of  secret  mortifi- 
cation that,  with  my  many  advantages,  I  was  not  married. 

The  weather  was  growing  intensely  warm.  A  great 
cloud  appeared  to  envelop  me,  full  of  slumbrous  magnetic 
influences,  not  sufficiently  charged  for  a  crisis.  I  had  a 
sensation  of  being  cut  off  from  the  rest  of  the  world.  The 
very  air  about  me  grew  stifling,  and  I  drew  my  breath 
with  great  gasps  of  apprehension.  And  in  this  mood  I 
counted  up  the  days,  until  one  morning,  when  I  heard  a 
stir  among  the  servants. 

The  master  of  Laurehvood  had  come! 

There  were  joyous  greetings  in  the  hall,  the  sweet  voice 
of  Mrs.  Lawrence  murmuring  a  pleasant  welcome.  Had  I 
any  part  or  lot  in  the  matter?  Should  I  thrust  myself 
upon  his  attention  in  this  first  moment  of  his  return  ? 
Pride  held  me  back.  If  he  was  very  desirous  of  my  pres- 
ence, he  might  signify  it.  But  I  waited  in  vain  for  any 
summons.  What  little  events  change  the  purposes  of  our 
lives!  Any  time  dui ing  that  morning  I  could  have  been 
convinced  by  a  word  or  a  look  of  the  great  fact  of  his  love  j 


230  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

when  the  bell  rang  for  luncheon,  the  hour  of  grace  had 
passed.  I  felt  calm,  but  bitter  and  cold. 

I  hurried  down,  hoping  to  enter  the  dining-room  first. 
He  intercepted  me  in  the  hall.  Somehow,  I  shall  always 
remember  the  picture  he  made.  The  voyage  had  com- 
pleted the  work  of  the  tropical  sun,  and  left  him  almost 
swarthy.  His  hair  had  been  cut  quite  closely,  displaying 
his  broad  forehead,  and  leaving  a  few  stray  curls  at  the 
temple.  His  eyes  had  a  set  look,  that  was  fairly  stern, 
while  the  flowing  beard,  with  its  peculiar  bronze  glitter, 
gave  him  a  weird,  foreign  appearance. 

He  flushed  deeply  in  spite  of  the  olive  hue,  and  appeared 
at  the  first  moment  absolutely  disconcerted. 

"  You  seem  in  no  haste  to  welcome  me,"  he  said,  rather 
sharply.  "  I  had  been  counting  on  that,  at  least." 

"  Your  sister  had  the  first  right,  I  am  sure,"  I  answered, 
gravely. 

"And  you  none?"  This  was  uttered  in  a  tone  of  in- 
quiry. 

"  None,"  I  repeated. 

"  At  least  you  might  ask  if  I  were  well ; "  and  he  laughed 
rather  nervously. 

"  The  fact  is  apparent.  Allow  me  to  congratulate  you 
upon  your  safe  return." 

At  this  juncture  Mrs.  Lawrence  joined  us.  She  looked 
somewhat  discomposed,  and  glanced  curiously  at  me.  My 
sensitive  pride  took  alarm  at  once.  Did  she  fear  that  her 
brother  would  foolishly  rush  to  the  rescue,  and  marry  me? 

Each  one  made  an  effort,  and  the  meal  passed  most 
pleasantly,  though  the  conversation  was  all  upon  Mr.  St. 
John's  journey.  He  was  really  delighted  to  be  at  home 
again  ;  that  I  could  plainly  see.  We  lingered  over  our 
dessert  of  fruit  a  long  while,  and  as  we  rose  he  said,  turn- 
ing to  me,  — 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  231 

"May  I  see  you  in  the  library,  Miss  Adrinnce?" 

I  crossed  the  hall  with  him,  and  then  went  over  to  the 
window.  Just  here  we  discussed  my  foolish  engagement 
with  such  bitterness.  How  vividly  it  all  carne  back ! 

"Miss  Adriance,"  he  began  presently,  "my  sister  has 
informed  me  of  your  misfortune.  I  am  most  sorry  that  I 
should  be  absent  at  such  a  time;  but  I  doubt  if  it  is  as  bad. 
as  she  thinks.  You  are  not  quite  disheartened." 

"  I  have  sufficient  courage  to  bear  a  reverse  of  fortune," 
I  said,  proudly. 

"  You  have  both  been  looking  at  the  darkest  side.  Such 
things  alarm  Isabelle  a  good  deal.  She  knows  so  little 
about  business." 

Then,  after  a  pause,  seeing  that  I  made  no  reply, — 

"I  think  I  understand  the  matter  perfectly,  and  can  as- 
sure you  that  your  fortune  is  not  all  gone.  Have  you  no 
faith  in  my  assertion,  that  you  look  so  incredulous?" 

"  Besides  the  lawyer's  statement,  I  have  heard  from  my 
friends  at  Baltimore,  who  were  anxious  to  soften  the  blow 
as  much  as  possible.  There  maybe  a  few  thousands  saved, 
but  even  that  is  doubtful." 

"  Half  at  least,"  he  said-,  walking  down  the  room,  his  face 
turned  partly  from  me. 

I  imagined  his  motive  in  an  instant,  and  though  it  gave 
me  a  quick  thrill,  I  could  not  endure  to  be  the  recipient 
of  his  generosity. 

"Mr.  St.  John,"  I  said,  trying  to  keep  the  touch  of  ex- 
citement out  of  my  voice,  "I  can  understand  that  you  con- 
sider yourself  in  some  manner  answerable  for  this  misfor- 
tune ;  but  I  do  not  hold  you  so.  It  was  Mr.  Anthon's 
investment,  and  one  cannot  always  guard  against  losses. 
I  am  satisfied  that  it  is  nearly  all  gone,  and  have  made 
some  arrangements  for  the  future." 

He  paused  suddenly.  "  What  arrangements  ?  "  he  asked, 
in  a  sharp  tone. 


282  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

u I  have  already  obtained  a  situation  ns  governess.  It 
is  necessary  that  I  should  depend  upon  my  own  exertions, 
and  this  offer  came  to  me  with  a  very  litt'e  trouble." 

"Governess!"  He  accompanied  the  word  with  such  a 
disdainful  gesture  that  it  angered  me. 

'•You  are  in  haste,  I  think,  Miss  Adriance.  "It  is  pay- 
ing a  poor  compliment  to  your  friends,"  he  went  on,  with 
a  scornful  inflection. 

"I  do  not  propose  to  test  friendship  that  far,"  I  said, 
haughtily.  "Dependence  would  not  be  pleasant  for  me." 

"O,  you  arc  strong-minded  1  It  will  not  harm  you  to 
nir  your  theories  occasionally;  but  you  have  forgotten  one 
important  fact.  I  am  still  your  guardian." 

'•There  is  no  longer  a  necessity  for  supervision.  When 
people  are  at  work,  they  seldom  fall  into  mischief." 

"It  is  still  tin/  duty  to  provide  you  a  home,  and  yours 
to  remain  there,"  he  said,  not  attempting  to  disguise  the 
power  in  his  tone. 

"You  can  insist  upon  this  for  some  time  longer,"  I  re- 
turned, coldly;  "but  it  would  not  be  an  agreeable  experi- 
ment. I  question  if  a  young  lady  with  no  fortune  would 
be  considered  a  valuable  acquisition  to  Laurel  wood  society." 

"That  is  pure  pride." 

"I  am  proud;  I  confess  it." 

"And  willing  to  make  everything  bow  to  this  demon !" 

His  tone  was  bitter,  unjust,  I  thought. 

"The  demon,  as  you  style  it,  will  not  have  many  wor- 
ship] ers.  There  is  nothing  to  be  rendered  subservient." 

"Nothing!" 

lie  strode  up  and  down  the  room,  his  face  clouded,  his 
lips  compressed,  and  his  eyes  coming  to  points  of  flame. 
Had  I  gone  too  far?  At  all  events,  I  could  not  be  a  sup- 
pliant for  his  love,  and,  truth  to  tell,  he  seemed  in  no  haste 
to  offer  it. 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  233 

"This  governessing  is  an  absurd  idea,"  he  flung' out 
angrily. 

"  I  see  nothing  so  absurd  in  a  woman  having  courage  to 
meet  any  exigency,  and  a  desire  not  to  become  a  burden 
to  her  friends." 

"  I  believe  friends  never  were  very  weighty  considera- 
tions with  you." 

The  taunt  was  too  bitter.  A  scarlet  heat  flamed  up  in 
my  face. 

"I  have  consulted  some  friends,  in  whom  I  have  confi- 
dence," and  my  breath  as  well  as  my  words  came  slowly, 
for  I  knew  this  was  a  cruel  thrust. 

As  if  it  had  not  touched  him  at  all,  he  came  nearer. 
"Can  nothing  induce  you  to  give  up  this  wild  idea?  You 
will  find  the  routine  very  different  from  your  fancy  con- 
cerning it." 

"I  do  not  expect  a  path  of  roses.  I  have  some  sense,  at 
least,"  I  returned,  with  warmth  and  passion. 

"  And  fortitude  equal  to  any  emergency,"  he  retorted, 
with  caustic  dryness. 

Could  this  man  ever  have  loved  me?  Love  was  kind 
and  tender,  shielding  its  object  from  every  chilling  blast, 
but  he  was  more  bitter  and  cutting  than  storm  itself.  I 
felt  sick  at  heart. 

"  It  is  not  necessary  to  discuss  the  matter  any  farther," 
I  said,  rising. 

"  I  shall  make  a  strict  examination  into  this  unfortunate 
business,  and  until  then  —  " 

He  paused.  I  was  so  near  that  our  hands  almost  clasped 
of  their  own  accord.  What  invisible  barrier  kept  us 
apart  ? 

He  made  a  sudden  gesture,  then  he  let  me  go  without 
another  word. 

I  went  directly  to  my  room  and  answered  Mrs.  Ingalls's 


234         -  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

letter,  promising  to  be  at  my  post  at  the  appointed  time. 
It  had  been  folly  to  delay  it.  What  sweet,  wild  dreams  I 
had  indulged  in  for  a  brief  space !  Gone,  to  the  faintest 
shadow.  I  had  always  idealized  Mr.  St.  John.  He  was 
not  as  grand  and  tender  as  the  hero  of  my  imagination, 
nny,  he  had  never  loved  me  as  I  wished  to  be  loved.  At 
times  he  had  swayed  me  by  his  immense  personal  power, 
but  the  woman  who  won  him  must  be  a  slave,  and  content 
to  yield  every  atom  of  her  own  individuality.  This  did 
not  quite  satisfy  me. 

I  despatched  my  note  at  once.  Passing  through  the 
hall,  Mrs.  Lawrence  called  me  to  ask  about  some  trifle, 
but  with  more  real  kindliness  in  her  manner  than  had  been 
apparent  of  late. 

"Stuart  told  you,  I  suppose,  that  he  believes  the  loss 
involved  in  the  failure  has  been  exaggerated.  I  am  really 
glad  for  your  sake.  It's  delightful  to  have  some  one  in- 
spire us  with  a  little  courage." 

"I  think  he  is  mistaken,"  I  answered,  gravely. 

"At  all  events  we  can  hope  for  the  best.  I've  been  a 
poor  comforter,  but  bad  news  of  any  kind  always  has  a 
depressing  effect  upon  my  nerves;"  and  she  ended  with 
a  faint,  sweet  smile, 

I  had  learned  my  lesson  to  some  purpose,  and  was  not 
to  be  beguiled  by  this  small  display  of  graciousness.  Per- 
haps I  was  hard  and  faithless,  but  my  wound  was  bitter 
also. 

That  night  I  found  a  note  on  my  dressing-table.  I 
recognized  the  writing  instantly.  What  could  Mr.  St. 
John  wish  to  say  to  me  in  this  manner?  Some  neighbors 
had  been  in  to  spend  the  evening,  and  Mr.  St.  John  had 
proved  most  entertaining. 

I  broke  the  seal  with  no  little  trepidation,  and  then, 
drawing  up  the  nearest  chair,  sat  down  to  read. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  235 

It  was  —  not  the  passionate  declaration  of  love  one 
might  expect  from  such  a  man,  but  a  rather  stately  offer 
of  his  hand,  fortune,  Laurel  wood,  the  place  I  had  professed 
to  hold  in  such  high  regard.  It  was  kind  and  exquisitely 
worded,  but  the  heart  seemed  left  out,  as  if  he  were  more 
desirous  of  saving  me  from  hardship  and  making  my  outer 
life  luxurious  and  pleasant,  than  aiming  to  reach  any  true 
and  high  soul  existence.  For  a  long  while  I  sat  in  deep 
thought.  The  world  would  believe  that  I  considered  this 
the  best  means  of  retrieving  my  fallen  fortunes,  but  what 
would  he  think?  He  had  not  made  one  appeal  to  my 
regard  for  himself.  Did  he  really  hold  that  women  were 
always  swayed  by  mercenary  considerations,  and  that  to 
satisfy  these  was  the  royal  road  to  their  hearts? 

To  live  with  him  and  not  be  allowed  the  fullest  liberty 
to  love,  and  to  express  it,  would  be  simply  torture.  With 
me  the  regard  must  soon  become  a  passion,  and  repression 
would  be  harder  to  endure  than  total  loss  and  absence. 

I  will  not  deny  that  pride  was  strongly  concerned.  I 
thought  he  had  not  treated  me  fairly,  justly.  I  had  a  right 
to  expect  something  better  at  his  hands. 

I  had  somewhere  read  of  a  little  boat  floating  over  the 
sea,  holding  a  slumbering  lady,  whose  stiing  of  pearls  had 
become  unfastened,  and  the  gems  were  slowly  dropping 
into  the  water.  She  woke  and  grasped  it,  terrified  at  see- 
ing her  precious  pearls  slip  away.  I  had  been  a  traveller 
drifting  down  a  sunny  stream,  gathering  priceless  pearls  — 
human  hearts.  Now  they  began  to  drop  away.  Should 
I  reach  out  my  hand  to  save  any  ? 

Mr.  St.  John  was  calm  and  inscrutable  at  breakfast  the 
next  morning.  No  look  or  gesture  on  his  part  betrayed 
the  slightest  concern.  I  believe  his  very  self-possession 
roused  all  the  angry  strength  of  my  soul.  I  should  never 
be  able  to  decide  whether  he  loved  me,  and  must  take  my 
step  in  the  darkness  of  unbelief. 


236  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

I  intended  to  answer  him  in  his  own  fashion,  and  yet 
dreaded  to  say  the  fatal  words,  to  cut  myself  off  from  hope. 
So  I  rambled  about  the  grounds,  lingering  in  shady  nooks 
that  I  loved  so  well.  It  would  be  hard  to  go. 

I  came  suddenly  upon  him  at  a  turn  in  the  path.  For  a 
moment  we  faced  each  other. 

"  Miss  Adriauce,"  he  said,  in  a  strange,  husky  tone,  yet 
with  a  touch  of  fierce  impatience,  "you  must  have  read  my 
note.  Answer  me  now  —  I  cannot  wait." 

The  old  imperious  manner.  There  was  no  instinct  of 
serfdom  in  me.  I  would  not  be  forced  into  fetters.  Every 
drop  of  blood  in  my  veins  revolted. 

"  It  is  easily  said.    No  man's  gold  can  buy  my  heart." 

"Easily!" 

It  was  an  ill-chosen  word.  One  bitter  lightning  glance, 
that  seemed  to  scorch  the  very  springs  of  life,  and  he 
turned  —  was  lost  to  me.  Should  I  utter  a  cry  of  agony, 
and  bring  him  back  ? 

When  I  could  rouse  myself  from  this  stupor,  I  con- 
tinued my  walk.  An  interposing  fate  had  settled  all  my 
perplexity.  I  was  quite  free  to  go.  But  Eve's  wail  of 
desolation  seemed  borne  to  me  on  every  breath  of  the 
summer  air.  It  would  be  rending  body  and  soul  asunder. 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  237 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

"  I  see  thecurse  on  gestures  proud  and  cold, 
And  looks  of  proud  defiance  and  calm  bate, 
And  such  despair  as  mocks  itself  with  smiles." 

SHELLET. 

A  QUICK  step  crossed  the  wide  balcony,  and  a  cheery 
voice  fell  upon  ray  ear.  I  turned  to  behold  Philip  Wes- 
tervelt. 

"  What  a  ghostly  face ! "  he  exclaimed.  "  Isn't  St.  John 
home  ?  I  saw  his  name  amongst  the  arrivals,  and  flew 
down  from  Washington  to  have  a  look  at  our  travelled 
hero.  Don't  disappoint  me  by  any  evil  tidings." 

"  Mr.  St.  John  came  home  yesterday,  and  is  very  well," 
I  returned ;  and  in  another  instant  the  master's  voice 
sounded  from  ^he  library. 

Philip  vaulted  into  the  open  window.  I  ran  away  to 
my  room,  and  took  one  glimpse  of  myself  in  the  long  mirror 
that  had  told  me  so  many  flattering  tales.  I  fancied  that 
I  could  see  suffering  already  written  in  my  face. 

"  This  will  never  do,"  I  said  to  myself.  "  It  is  cowardly 
to  take  the  marks  of  the  first  evil  blow  fate  gives." 

So  I  summoned  my  resolution,  and  sought  to  bury  the 
dead  hopes  out  of  my  sight.  One  dream  too  bright,  too 
perfect  for  earthly  realization.  There  are  many  trials  and 
crosses  before  one  enters  the  promised  land.  I  might  have 
known  that  so  fair  a  prospect  was  but  a  mirage,  and  that 
my  life  could  be  no  more  perfect  than  any  other  human 
lot.  Yet  had  I  not  bereft  it  of  all  hope  ?  Would  it  ever 
blossom  with  the  promise  of  golden  fruitage  ? 


238  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

I  resigned  myself  to  fate.  Struggling  was  vain  and 
futile.  I  would  not  ask  what  the  future  held,  but  go  on, 
no  matter  how  thorny  the  path  might  prove. 

Philip's  arrival  was  certainly  well  timed,  though  the 
accident  of  a  sudden  whim.  When  we  all  met  at  luncheon, 
Mr.  St.  John  was  quite  in  his  usual  mood,  and  met  me 
without  the  slightest  awkwardness.  Indeed,  so  serene 
and  gracious  seemed  he,  that  I  wondered  if  the  man  had 
any  soul  that  could  be  touched.  Philip  was  in  the  gayest 
of  spirits,  but  somehow  his  happiness  jarred  upon  me. 
Was  •  it  because  my  own  desolation  became  the  more 
apparent  ? 

I  had  been  resolving  in  my  own  mind  that  I  would  pro- 
pose a  visit  to  Mrs.  Otis  as  the  easiest  way  of  leaving 
Laurel  WOOL!.  I  had  an  opportunity  of  announcing  this  at 
the  dinner-table,  and  felt  that  I  was  safely  over  one  diffi- 
cult step. 

Quite  late  in  the  evening,  when  I  was  meditating  a 
retreat  to  my  own  room,  Philip  asked  me  to  walk  a  little 
Avhile  with  him.  It  was  a  glorious  night,,with  the  moon 
nearly  at  its  full.  The  wandering  air  brought  faint  voices 
from  the  distant  groves  —  a  tender,  suggestive  sound  that 
touched  the  heart. 

"How  can  you  leave  this?"  Philip  asked,  suddenly. 
"Sydnie,  how  much  soul  have  you?  I  seem  to  have  gone 
widely  astray  in  my  estimate  of  you." 

"  Your  estimate  may  have  been  wrong.  I  don't  know 
as  I  am  answerable  to  all  my  friends." 

«  Why  do  you  go  ?  " 

"  Because  I  do  not  choose  to  stay  and  be  dependent." 

"  St.  John  said  you  were  going  out  as  a  governess." 

"I  find  some  kind  of  employment  necessary.  You  seem 
to  forget  that  I  am  no  longer  an  heiress." 

"  St.  John  thinks  something  can  be  saved  from  the  wreck." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  239 

« This  is  folly,"  I  said,  half  vexed  at  Mr.  St.  John's 
pertinacity.  "He  is  generous  enough  to  replace  a  part  of 
it;  but  I  Avould  not  accept  such  a  favor  from  any  man, 
least  of  all  him." 

"Don't  intrench  yourself  so  strongly  in  your  own  might. 
Do  you  think  so  lightly  of  friends  that  you  can  discard 
them  with  ease?" 

"  We  are  hardly  friends  when  it  comes  to  that,"  I  said, 
with  a  scornful  inflection. 

"  And  you  might  have  been  so  much  more  !  O,  Sydnie, 
are  women  born  blind  and  wilful,  that  they  should  thus 
throw  away  the  great  prizes  of  life  ?  I  felt  so  sure  that 
you  would  end  by  loving  Stuart.  I  do  not  see  how  a 
woman  could  fail  to  be  won  by  his  strength,  that  is  like  a 
resistless  tide,  and  his  sweetness  that  can  find  a  way  to  any 
but  the  most  obdurate  heart.  It  amazes  me  to  think  that 
you  have  been  insensible  to  all  the  finer  traits  ia»his  char- 
acter, and  most  of  all,  his  love." 

"  Did  he  send  you  to  plead  his  cause  ?  " 

«  Sydnie  ! " 

I  felt  the  involuntary  movement  of  his  arm,  almost  as  if 
he  would  have  spurned  me. 

"We  shall  never  agree  about  Mr.  St.  John,"  I  returned. 
"  To  you  he  has  been  one'  of  the  dearest  and  tenderest 
friends,  while  with  me  it  has  proved  widely  different. 
Your  romance  about  us  has  misled  you.  We  are  not  con- 
genial in  scarcely  any  sense.  He  does  not  understand  my 
most  ordinary  moods;  and  I  confess  he  has  always  been  a 
puzzle  to  me." 

"You  are  proud  and  impatient.  Forgive  the  truth, 
and  believe  that  no  sister  could  have  a  larger  share  in  a 
brother's  heart  than  you  have  in  mine.  If  you  will  accept 
of  our  sympathy  and  love,  our  home  shall  be  yours,  freely 
proffered  by  Ellen  as  well  as  myself,  and  any  word  of  dis- 


240  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OB 

satisfaction  that  I  utter  comes  from  a  heart  sore  and 
pained  because* I  am  grieved  to  see  one  dear  friend  suffer 
who  might  be  made  happy  by  love." 

"  You  may  set  your  heart  at  rest.  Mr.  St.  John  does 
not  love  me  as  you  imagine." 

"  It  is  your  pride  that  blinds  you.  O,  pause  and  con- 
sider ere  you  throw  away  the  sweetest  gift  of  life,  and 
wreck  your  own  soul." 

"  Convincing  you  would  be  a  hopeless  task.  But  I  see 
my  way  clearly,  and  there  are  no  thorns  that  a  resolute 
step  cannot  crush." 

"You  are  too  strong  and  cruel  for  a  woman.  Look 
down  the  futue,  and  see  if  the  path  is  fair!  Are  there  no 
places  marked  by  tears  ?  no  shrine  where  hope  despoiled 
still  clings  to  some  stray  fragment  of  what  it  once  might 
have  held  with  a  tender  clasp  ?  no  day  of  loneliness,  regret, 
or  despajf  ?  " 

I  would  not  own  to  any. 

"  I  used  to  think  you,  of  all  others,  would  be  keenly  sus- 
ceptible to  love.  I  fancied  it  would  be  no  light  passion, 
but  a  perfect,  overwhelming  tide  that  would  regenerate 
you  into  new  being.  How  have  you  thrust  out  that  low- 
voiced  angel?" 

Ah,  he  little  guessed  how  madly  I  had  loved,  how  my 
heart  throbbed  now  in  its  torturing  throes  of  anguish! 
That  both  these  men  should  deem  me  cold  and  heartless 
was  bitter  indeed.  But  I  could  never  make  them  see  me 
as  I  truly  was.  Therefore  I  vouchsafed  no  answer. 

Presently  Philip  said,  "  You  are  quite  resolved,  then  ?  " 

"  I  shall  not  shrink  from  the  duties  that  I  see  be- 
fore me." 

He  faced  me  suddenly  ;  but  I  was  prepared.  I  felt  that 
not  a  feature  would  betray  me,  and  perhaps  exulted  a  little 
in  my  strength. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  241 

"  How  beautiful  you  are,"  he  went  on ;  "  like  this  idea 
of  Milton's  — 

« What  though  the  field  be  lost— all  is  not  lost ; 
The  unconquerable  will 


and  courage  never  to  submit 


Or  yield;  and  what  is  else  not  to  be  overcome  — ' " 

"  I  feel  like  it,"  I  replied.  I  could  have  found  it  in  my 
heart  to  repeat  the  rest. 

"But  the  fiercest  flames  burn  out,  and  then  the  ashes 
of  desolation !  Will  you  never  weary  on  this  great  high- 
way, and  long  for  shade  where  none  may  ever  come  ?" 

"  Whether  it  be  shade  or  sun,  I  am  content." 

"And  this  is  the  result  of  a  life  that  promised  so  much. 
O,  Sydnie!" 

His  tone  seemed  to  strike  a  knell  in  my  heart. 

"We  all  dream  dreams  in  youth,"  I  said,  and  then  we 
returned  to  the  house  in  silence. 

He  left  us  the  next  morning.  After  that  I  made  prepa- 
rations for  my  visit.  No  one  opposed  me,  or  suggested 
any  change.  Mr.  St.  John  and  his  sister  were  very  kind. 
It  really  seemed  as  if  nothing  had  occurred,  and  that 
presently  I  would  return  and  resume  the  old  life.  I  could 
not  bring  myself  to  believe  that  this  was  to  be  the  last ; 
and  my  heart  smote  me  for  cowardly  concealing  my 
resolve. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  parted  with  me  most  cordially.  She  had 
a  faith,  or  affected  it,  that  her  brother  could  manage  to 
restore  part  of  my  fortune,  and  began  to  plan  gayeties  for 
the  winter.  Mr.  St.  John  drove  me  to  the  station.  We 
.exchanged  a  lingering  good  by.  Was  there  any  latent  word 
that  might  still  be  spoken,  any  glance  capable  of  changing 
the  current  of  our  lives?  . 

Alone  in  the  car  I  dropped  my  travelling  veil,  although 
the  day  was  warm.  I  felt  weak  and  nervous  now,  and 
16 


242  SYDNIE   ADRTANCE,   OR 

the  tears  filled  my  eyes  slowly.  "Was  I  as  brave  as  I  had 
made  others  believe? 

The  mental  atmosphere  pervading  the  house  of  Mr. 
Otis  served  to  restore  me.  Anne's  cheerful  self-reliance 
roused  me  from  the  despondent  mood  into  which  I  was 
falling.  But  my  life  was  not  to  be  quite  as  I  had  planned 
it.  Mrs.  Ingalls,  offended  it  seemed  at  my  delay,  had  ac- 
cepted another  person  to  fill  the  place.  And  from  Philip 
I  received  a  most  kindly  letter,  enclosing  an  offer  of  a  sit- 
uation in  a  school  to  teach  music,  drawing,  and  painting. 
He  urged  me  to  accept  it  if  I  was  still  resolved  upon  the 
course  I  had  marked  out. 

Mr.  Otis  had  interested  himself  warmly  in  my  lost  for- 
tune. Mr.  St.  John  thanked  him  in  a  most  cordial  letter 
when  he  came  to  hear  of  the  fact.  A  year  might  elapse 
before  it  was  finally  settled,  and  perhaps  a  few  thousand 
dollars  could  be  saved.  As  the  time  of  my  departure  was 
drawing  nigh,  I  informed  Mr.  St.  John  of  the  change  in 
my  arrangements,  not  omitting  Philip's  kindly  interest. 
It  was  hardly  worth  while  to  return  to  Laurelwood,  I 
added,  if  Mrs.  Lawrence  would  allow  Thirza  to  pack  the 
remainder  of  my  wardrobe,  and  send  it  to  Baltimore. 
Anne  insisted  that  henceforward  I  should  consider  her 
house  as  my  home. 

"You  will  remember  that  I  am  your  sister  now,  and 
that  it  will  not  do  for  you  to  neglect  me.  I  shall  claim  all 
your  vacations,"  Anne  said,  with  some  tender  tears  111  her 
eyes. 

I  thanked  Heaven  for  this  dear  friend  as  I  started  out  to 
try  the  world  anew. 

Elm  Grove  Seminary  was  situated  in  the  western  part 
of  the  State  of  New  York.  I  could  not  help  thinking  of 
the  tender  care  that  had  made  so  many  journeys  delight- 
ful to  me;  and  by  contrast  this  seemed  tiresome  and  per- 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  243 

plexing.  Yet  I  had  some  curiosity  to  see  my  new  home, 
and  I  thought  a  round  of  active  duties  would  still  this 
restless  gnawing  at  my  heart  —  crowd  out  the  ghost  of 
dreams  dead  forever. 

The  seminary  was  delightfully  located,  half  a  mile  from 
the  village,  a  lovely,  sleepy  place,  that  looked  as  if  it  might 
be  taking  a  Rip  Van  Winkle  nap.  The  white  cottnges 
were  embowered  with  vines  and  trees,  and  the  churches 
ivy  grown.  I  was  glad  to  find  it  different  from  anything 
I  had  ever  seen. 

The  interior  was  no  novelty.  I  had  been  used  to  board- 
ing-schools, and  the  long  halls,  recitation-rooms,  and  rows 
of  sleeping  apartments  greeted  me  with  a  most  natural 
look.  I  was  ushered  into  the  reception-room,  where  Mrs. 
Ellingwood  awaited  me. 

She  was  a  tall,  fine-looking  woman,  with  great  suavity 
of  manner,  but  a  cold  gray  eye,  and  a  rigid  mouth  that 
bespoke  strong  determination.  One  would  not  be  drawn 
to  her  in  any  friendly  relation.  She  enlarged  upon  the 
order,  strictness,  and  precision  with  which  everything  was 
carried  on,  her  high  principles  and  views  of  duty  towards 
the  young  ladies  intrusted  to  her  care  ;  in  short,  she  made 
me  understand  that  she  was  the  head  of  the  establishment, 
and  that  all  were  to  respect  her  authority. 

In  return,  I  felt  she  was  very  well  satisfied.  I  had  come 
highly  recommended,  and,  as  she  had  a  peculiar  love  for 
the  best  society,  the  fact  of  my  having  been  a  member  of 
it,  and  met  with  a  reverse  of  fortune,  was  a  passport  to 
her  favor.  I  followed  Laura  Ilastings's  worldly-wise  max- 
ims, and  made  the  most  of  myself  and  my  accomplish- 
ments. 

Friday  was  the  first  of  September ;  but  school  did  not 
open  until  the  following  Monday.  I  had  time  to  look 
about  me,  and  decided  that  it  would  be  a  very  tolerable 


244  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

place.  My  room  was  pleasswit,  overlooking  the  south  and 
the  village ;  but  what  a  contrast  to  the  spacious  one  I  had 
left!  no  soft  carpet  and  curtains,  no  airy  marble  Graces, 
and  the  sweetness  of  countless  flowers.  It  was  not  to  be 
shared  with  anyone,  however,  and  I  was  thankful  for  that. 
So  I  hung  up  my  dresses,  arranged  a  few  articles  of  virtu, 
turned  my  chairs,  to  take  off  the  stiff,  orderly  look,  and 
filled  a  shelf  with  some  choice  volumes. 

There  were  quite  a  number  of  scholars,  and  during  the 
next  day  they  increased  rapidly.  I  met  most  of  my  fellow- 
teachers,  but  there  was  not  one  that  won  me  in  the  slight- 
est degree.  By  Sunday  evening  I  was  as  miserably  lone- 
some as  Mr.  St.  John  could  desire  in  his  just  wishes  of 
retribution,  if  he  thought  of  me  at  all.  The  years  looming 
up  before  me  grew  frightful  with  grim  phantoms.  What 
an  enchanting  world  I  had  left  behind  !  Had  fate  alone 
shut  me  out  of  it? 

I  was  glad  to  begin  my  duties.  I  threw  the  most  ear- 
nest energy  into  them,  and  resolved  to  allow  nothing  to 

o«/  o 

daunt  me.  Since  I  had  chosen  the  path,  I  would  take  no 
weak,  lagging  step.  I  did  find  it  tiresome,  and  not  much 
to  my  taste  ;  but  I  won  Mrs.  Ellingwood's  commendation 
early  in  the  battle.  I  resolved  not  to  yield  to  any  morbid 
desire  to  exaggerate  my  own  trials  and  disappointments. 
I  no  longer  expected  life  to  be  rose-hued  ;  the  carnival  was 
over,  and  I  was  a  sober.  Lenten-robed  pilgrim,  on  my  way 
to  another  shrine. 

Alter  a  month  or  two,  when  I  was  settled  to  my  daily 
routine,  an  intolerable  craving  took  possession  of  my  soul. 
I  tried  a  severe  course  of  reading;  but,  though  my  eyes 
followed  the  lines  for  page  after  page,  my  thoughts  went 
far  astray.  Music,  which  had  once  been  my  solace,  was 
now  connected  with  a  sense  of  drudgery.  Were  the  days 
Philip  foretold  coming  upon  me  so  soon?  Had  I  no  more 
courage  or  fortitude  ? 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  245 

I  certainly  was  not  discontented  with  my  situation :  the 
salary  was  good,  the  treatment  kind,  and  no  stringent  de- 
mands were  made  upon  my  time.  I  found  that  I  soon 
gained  the  reputation  of  being  haughty  and  reserved,  and 
it  suited  me  as  well.  I  had  no  mind  to  listen  to  girlish 
complaints,  or  the  vapid  talk  of  sentimental  women  ;  there- 
fore I  spent  my  evenings  much  alone,  except  when  I  was 
invited  to  the  reception-room,  which  was  not  infrequently. 
Mrs.  Ellingwood  was  rather  proud  of  her  acquisition,  and 
showed  a  disposition  to  make  the  most  of  it.  Except  being 
rather  tiresome,  these  small  parties  amused  me.  The 
other  teachers  generally  managed  to  get  into  nervous 
spasms  over  what  they  should  wear  and  whom  they  should 
see.  The  fifteen  or  twenty  guests  did  not  in  the  slightest 
alarm  me.  I  was  alike  indifferent  to  their  admiration  or 
disfavor.  Contrasting  them  with  what  I  had  known,  made 
them  seem  poor  and  meagre  indeed.  A  spirit  of  self-com- 
placency pervaded  many  of  these  people.  On  the  whole, 
I  wondered  if  it  was  not  a  pleasant  thing  to  hold  one's  self 
in  high  esteem. 

Looking  over  the  future,  I  could  not  but  speculate  upon 
it.  Marriage,  the  great  dream  of  most  women,  was  not 
for  me.  If  I  had  not  loved  in  the  past  two  years,  I  should 
not  be  likely  to  meet  with  any  one  in  time  to  come  whose 
charm  would  prove  overmastering. 

Then  I  tore  down  the  flimsy  subterfuge,  and  looked  the 
truth  boldly  in  the  face.  I  had  loved  Mr.  St.  John  —  I  did 
love  him  now.  The  peculiar  influence  he  had  exerted 
over  me  would  always  keep  me  from  yielding  to  any  other. 
Whether  we  were  really  antagonistic,  or  if  it  had  been 
the  result  of  some  special  fault  in  either,  I  was  unable  to 
determine ;  but  I  recognized  the  fact.  That  hope,  there- 
fore, had  dropped  out  of  my  life. 

My  future  was  all  my  own :  to  spend  it  in  slow  years  of 


216  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

stagnation  was  simply  impossible.  What  must  I  do?  I 
could  not  go  out  into  the  world  and  make  another  fortune 
in  the  place  of 'the  one  I  had  lost.  I  could  not  raise  my- 
self to  any  height:  a  simple,  aimless  existence,  earning  my 
daily  bread  and  raiment. 

Then  I  bethought  myself  of  ray  book.  I  had  com- 
menced it  in  the  happy  solitude  of  Laurelwood,  piqued 
into  a  mood  of  ambition  by  Mr.  St.  John's  doubts  and 
cynicisms.  I  recalled  the  fanciful  dreams  concerning  those 
imaginary  people,  their  loves,  hopes,  struggles,  and  the  dif- 
ferent ways  by  which  they  attained  happiness  and  content. 
So  I  roused  myself,  and  went  at  it  again,  thankful  for  the 
employment.  Autumn  came  on,  brown  and  chilly.  I  noted 
how  the  sun  went  lower,  how  the  leaves  lost  their  gold  and 
crimson  glory,  and  then  winter,  with  its  potent  step,  writ- 
ing desolation  everywhere. 

It  mattered  little  to  me.  My  inner  world  was  fast  ab- 
sorbing my  very  soul.  Night  after  night  I  used  to  .sit 
alone,  taking  a  strange  delight  in  these  creations  of  my 
pen.  How  real  they  all  became  to  me  !  I  suffered  in  their 
sorrows,  rejoiced  in  their  joys,  gave  them  faith  when  I 
doubted  myself,  made  all  things  possible  for  them,  while 
I  felt  bound  hand  and  foot.  In  some  lives  there  came  just 
such  seasons  of  rapture,  after  long  and  patient  waiting;  in 
others,  despair  and  nothing.  But  since  there  is  more 
shadow  than  sun  in  the  existence  of  most  people,  we  like 
the  contrast,  and  enjoy  the  sun  in  pictures,  rather  than  the 
shadow. 

Then  I  began  to  watch  the  people  around  me  with  a 
new  zest.  Their  peculiarities  caught  my  eye  at  once.  I 
speculated  what  they  would  do  in  certain  situations,  how 
they  would  endure  trials;  and  found  that  for  the  many 
weak  there  were  but  few  strong.  Almost  each  one  was 
continually  shifting  some  burden  on  his  or  her  neighbor. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  247 

Not  much  self-reliance  and  true  courage.  It  was  curious, 
too,  that  the  people  in  the  Laura  Hastings  mould  generally 
won  the  clay.  How  could  men  and  women  be  so  blind,  so 
credulous? 

One  of  my  pupils  awoke  a  strong  interest  in  me  pres- 
ently; perhaps  because  she  stood  .so  entirely  alone,  was  so 
repellent,  and  no  favorite  with  the  rest.  Indeed,  it  seemed 
as  if  she  was  in  disgrace  half  the  time.  The  child  —  for 
she  was  barely  sixteen  —  had  a  violent  temper,  and  a  quick, 
caustic  tongue:  an  orphan;  a  friend  was  educating  her; 
and,  to  render  the  terms  more  reasonable,  she  taught  in 
one  or  two  of  the  lower  classes. 

I  believe  she  hated  all  but  music.  A  strange,  lithe  little 
thing,  with  eyes  and  hair  of  the  deepest  hue,  and  a  pale, 
clear  olive  complexion.  Her  features  were  small  and  regu- 
lar; but  her  general  expression  was  cold,  faithless,  and 
defiant,  as  if  some  way  she  were  at  war  with  half  the 
world,  and  constantly  watching  for  an  opportunity  to  re- 
turn the  current  coin  of  unkindness. 

Yet  at  times,  when  she  yielded  herself  to  the  charm  of 
music,  she  used  to  startle  me  by  her  absolute  loveliness. 
It  was  wild  and  weird,  and  made  one  almost  shiver  at  the 
capabilities  it  revealed. 

Every  advance  I  made  was  repelled  with  a  coolness  that 
savored  of  disdain,  and  I  presently  ceased  in  my  efiiyrts,  yet 
I  was  none  the  less  interested.  I  had  a  curious  presenti- 
ment that  somewhere  we  would  be  strangely  drawn  to- 
gether —  one  of  those  electric  intuitions,  for  which  one  can 
give  no  reason.  I  fell  into  the  habit  of  watching  her,  and 
involuntarily  shielding  her  from  the  consequences  of  some 
of  her  faults. 

"  I  wonder  you  can  tolerate  Miss  Whitney,"  one  of  .the 
teachers  said  to  me;  "she  is  the  most  disagreeable  girl  in 
school" 


248  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OR 

Magdalene.     "What  did  the  name  portend  ? 

Spring  was  coming  on  apace.  The  time  had  not  hnng 
heavily  on  my  hands,  for  I  had  been  very  busy.  These 
warm  days  gave  me  a  peculiar  languor,  yet  I  fought  the 
spell  of  indolence  with  rigid  bravery.  Every  week  brought 
my  book  nearer  completion.  If  it  held  some  of  my  own 
yearning  desires  and  unfulfilled  hopes,  who  shall  marvel  ? 
The  world  was  full  of  these  likenesses ;  phantoms  sat  in 
every  corner  of  the  heart,  rarely  clothed  in  glorious  ap- 
parel. Life  sprang  up  clear  and  sweet  with  its  heavenly 
harmonies ;  but  in  the  rude  turmoil  and  jar  of  discordant 
voices,  the  pure  strains  were  too  often  lost  to  human  ears. 
What  power  was  strong  enough  to  reunite  these  broken 
links  ?  Did  God  care  when  his  children  were  weary  and. 
heavy  laden  ? 

The  school  that  had  gone  on  so  methodically  for  nine 
months  was  now  roused  to  a  sudden  tumult  and  fever. 
The  graduating  class  was  straining  every  nerve,  and  Mrs. 
Ellingwood  was  making  preparations  for  some  brilliant 
closing  exercises.  I  was  called  out  of  my  seclusion,  and 
for  a  month  was  busy  with  the  rest.  The  examinations 
passed  very  creditably,  and  then  there  was  a  general  dis- 
persion. 

Mrs.  Ellingwood  was  anxious  to  make  an  engagement 
for  another  year,  and  I  assented ;  but  my  soul  was  buoyed 
up  with  a  precious  hope.  If  it  were  possible  to  win  fame 
—  and  other  women  had  succeeded  —  I  would  bend  every 
energy  to  this  pursuit.  It  was  the  choicest  thing  life  held 
now. 

I  decided  to  remain  at  Elm  Grove  for  a  brief  while.  In 
those  first  days  of  quiet  I  finished  my  book,  and  wrote  to 
several  publishers  in  New  York.  I  had  promised  my  va- 
cation to  Mrs.  Otis.  Philip  and  Ellen  had  gone  to  Europe 
in  Mny,  so  Anne  was  the  only  friend  to  whom  my  presence 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  249 

would  be  a  positive  pleasure.  I  remembered  how,  three 
years  before,  I  had  watched  for  vacation.  How  long  ago! 
a  past  ago  it  seemed.  Then  I  was  as  careless  and  expect- 
ant as  these  girls  were  now.  I  felt  old  beside  them,  as 
if  with  eighteen  had  gone  all  the  brightness  and  blossom 
of  youth.  Could-any  hand  restore  the  sweet  hope?  Not 
for  me,  I  said,  softly  and  sadly. 


250  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 


CHAPTER  XVIII.' 

"  O,  bow  full  of  briers  is  this  working  day  world  ! " 

ROSALIND  —  As  You  Like  It. 
"  It  is  to  live  without  the  vanished  light 
That  strength  is  needed."  MRS.  HEMANS. 

I  PUT  my  room  in  order,  locked  drawers  and  desks, 
gave  Mrs.  Ellingwood  a  courteous  good  by,  and  com- 
menced a  new  journey.  No  gay,  satirical  voice  to  laugh 
at  me,  no  far-reaching  eyes  to  hold  me  with  subtle  glances, 
no  foolish  quarrels  and  quick  repentance.  I  was  a  sober, 
staid,  business  woman,  with  a  most  matter-of-fact  air. 
Youth  was  nothing  to  me ;  girlishness  I  was  glad  to  lay 
aside. 

I  went  directly  to  New  York.  Of  the  five  letters  I  had 
written,  three  had  declined  reading  anything  new  on  ac- 
count of  the  press  of  matter  on  hand.  The  remaining  two 
held  out  a  slender  hope.  I  weighed  their  respective  merits, 
and  finally  decided  by  chance,  though  it  was  with  some 
trepidation  that  I  presented  myself.  One  feels  so  different 
when  one  has  nothing  to  ask  of  the  world.  It  really  ap- 
peared as  if  my  earlier  daring  had  all  failed. 

I  met  with  a  polite  reception,  that  quite  restored  my 
courage.  The  book  should  be  read,  and  my  answer  given 
in  a  week.  Had  I  ever  written  any  before  ? 

"  No  ;  this  was  my  first  attempt." 

"Not  even  stones  or  sketches?" 

"  Nothing  at  all." 

"  It  was  quite  difficult  to  introduce  a  new  writer  of  whom 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  251 

the  world  had  never  heard.  If  the  book  had  some  par- 
ticular merit  — "  and  a  very  charming  smile  finished  the 
sentence. 

I  could  hardly  claim  that  it  was  better  than  the  majority 
of  stories.  Indeed,  now  I  was  seized  with  a  fear  that  it 
was  not  so  good ;  but  we  bowed  hopefully  to  each  other. 

I  realized  the  loneliness  of  a  great  city  fully  during  that 
week  of  waiting.  I  had  chosen  the  most  retired  hotel, 
and  that  was  not  overcrowded.  Every  one  who  could  get 
away  was  at  some  pleasant  summer  resort,  or  country 
house.  I  was  not  at  all  sure  that  even  Mrs.  Westervelt 
was  in  the  city.  But  I  wanted  no  one  to  know  my  errand. 
If  I  failed  entirely,  the  secret  should  be  locked  in  the 
depths  of  my  own  soul.  I  desired  no  pity  or  sympathy. 
I  watched  the  dawn  of  morning  and  the  close  of  day  in 
the  most  utter  solitude,  yet  in  a  state  of  feverish  expecta- 
tion. At  last  the  eventful  time  arrived,  and  assuming  an 
air  of  indifference  that  I  was  far  from  feeling,  I  presented 
myself  for  this  important  verdict. 

It  is  something,  perhaps,  for  a  man  to  be  handsome  and 
affable.  My  book  was  declined  with  the  utmost  suavity,  I 
had  almost  said  sweetness.  While  it  betrayed  unmistaka- 
ble marks  of  genius,  it  was  not  at  all  in  the  popular  style. 
If  I  had  a  reputation,  it  would  do  very  well  to  make  such 
a  venture;  indeed,  in  that  case,  it  might  be  a  perfect  suc- 
cess. But  he  did  not  feel  safe  to  undertake  it.  If  I  chose 
to  try  again  I  might  be  more  fortunate.  This  story  was 
very  peculiar. 

How  brilliantly  the  sun  shone  as  I  stepped  into  the 
street !  I  shivered  at  the  brightness,  and  longed  to  hide 
myself  where  it  was  never  so  dark  and  deep.  Not  even 
the  loss  of  my  fortune  had  affected  me  thus  keenly.  I 
began  to  understand  how  much  of  my  future  life  had  been 
staked  upon  this  issue. 


252  BYDXIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  Courage,  lienrt,"  I  said.  "  Some  strong  souls  win 
heaven  by  force,  how  much  more  the  things  of  earth." 

So  I  ventured  agi.in.  A  grave,  middle-aged  man,  with 
no  smiles,  but  a  kindly  voice,  received  me.  The  same 
cautious  story, —  the  difficulty  of  taking  the  first  step.  And 
although  he  took  the  manuscript,  he  prepared  me  for  a 
fresh  disappointment  also. 

"  It  was  very  dull  with  him  just  now,  and  he  would  read 
it  immediately.  Could  I  call  in  a  few  days?" 

I  assented.  If  I  had  thought  the  first  week  wearisome, 
this  was  doubly  so.  A  wild  impulse  urged  me  to  go  to 
Anne's  at  once,  but  I  persisted  in  my  resolve.  My  heart 
sank  within  me,  and  every  pulse  quivered  with  the  torture 
of  suspense  as  I  set  out.  I  wondered  how  many  times  I 
should  go  on  the  same  errand,  or  if  I  should  accept  this 
blow  of  fate  as  final. 

I  waited  many  moments  in  the  little  office.  On  the 
desk  stood  a  few  roses  and  geranium  leaves  in  a  slender 
bouquet-holder.  These  flowers  appealed  to  me  in  a 
strange,  tender  manner,  stirred  my  heart  to  sympathy. 

I  looked  at  the  man's  face  as  lie  entered,  but  it  betrayed 
no  secret.  Yet  it  was  so  kindly,  with  all  its  gravity,  that 
it  inspired  me  with  something  like  hope. 

"I  have  been  deeply  interested  in  your  story,"  he  began. 
"  It  lias  much  merit,  but  I  am  not  at  all  prepared  to  say 
that  it  will  be  a  success.  It  may  prove  a  very  fair  intro- 
duction to  the  literary  world,  and  it  is  quite  necessary  that 
a  young  author  should  try  first  for  a  name." 

I  bowed  my  head  acquiescently ;  I  could  not  trust  my 
voice  to  speak. 

"  We  are  willing  to  undertake  it,  though  we  do  not  feel 
justified  in  making  a  very  extravagant  offer." 

I  drew  a  long  breath  of  relief.    Did  I  really  hear  aright  ? 

Then  followed  the  business  part.     I  confessed  that  I  did 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  '253 

feel  satisfied  with  his  proposal,  though  if  I  had  thought 
more  of  fortune  than  fame,  it  would  have  appeared  small, 
I  felt,  too,  that  I  had  made  a  friend,  and  that  was  a  conso- 
lation.  I  agreed  to  his  propositions  unhesitatingly,  uay 
heart  growing  lighter  with  every  breath. 

But  what  was  there  so  singular  about  the  book?  Was 
the  yearning  of  a  high>  passionate  spirit  for  that  grand  ex- 
istence haunting  most  pure  souls,  a  thing  to  astonish  ordi- 
nary minds?  What  if  the  way  was  long  and  dark?  what 
if  failure  did  happen,  was  that  improbable?  or  success,  did 
that  sound  unreal?  There  comes  a  time  to  some  few  blest 
souls  when  they  stand  untrembling  on  the  mountain  tops. 
If  it  were  not  so,  existence  would  be  an  utter  failure. 

The  next  day  I  reached  Baltimore.  There  was  great 
rejoicing  in  the  happy  household,  for  a  little  blue-eyed 
stranger  had  been  added  to  their  number  — a  sweetj  darl- 
ing girl,  who  had  been  received  with  the  most  rapturous 
emotion. 

"You  almost  vexed  me  by  your  delay,"  Anne  said^  with 
her  glad  smile,  that  half  contradicted  her  assertion.  "  I 
knew  you  would  be  surprised,  and  I  could  hardly  wait. 
But,  my  dear,  how  thin  and  worn  you  are,  quite  unlike 
your  usual  self.  You  shall  have  nothing  but  rest  and 
pleasure  for  the  next  month." 

A  most  delightful  prospect,  truly.  I  thanked  Heaven 
for  this  sweet  friend,  for  these  yet  unbroken  links  in  my 
chain.  Anne's  welcome  was  so  cordial,  and  she  bright  and 
winsome  with  the  old  shy  grace  still  clinging  about  her. 
The  dearest  and  most  perfect  happiness  had  come  to  her, 
and  no  one  could  prove  more  worthy. 

There  was  a  small  business  matter  awaiting  me.  Mr. 
St.  John  had  secured  three  thousand  dollars  from  the 
wreck  of  my  fortune,  and  placed  it  in  the  hands  of  Mr. 
Otis.  His  connection  as  my  guardian  had  of  course  ceased. 


254  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

Besides  these  details,  there  was  a  letter  very  cordially 
worded,  containing  a  message  from  Mrs.  Lawrence,  and 
inviting  me  to  Laurelwood  any  time  that  I  felt  disposed 
to  make  them  a  visit. 

In  what  mood  Mr.  St.  John  had  penned  these  words  I 
should  never  be  able  to  tell.  Of  course  I  should  not  go. 

"And  Mr.  Otis  has  an  excellent  investment  for  your 
money,"  Anne  said.  "  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  you  became 
a  rich  woman  by  and  by,  though  it  seems  very  little 
now." 

"  By  the  time  I  am  old,  and  compelled  to  retire  from 
active  service;"  and  I  smiled. 

"I  can  hardly  endure  the  thought  of  your  being  so  far 
away.  I've  been  wondering,  dear,  how  it  would  answer  to 
keep  you  here.  You  could  have  music  pupils,  you  know, 
and  probably  do  as  well  as  at  school." 

"  I  have  made  a  positive  engagement  for  another  year. 
Besides,  I  like  the  school  very  well." 

"But  you  are  certainly  worked  too  hard." 

"My  darling,  don't  distress  yourself  about  me,"  I  re- 
plied, with  a  kiss,  for  her  tender  regard  touched  me  to  the 
heart's  core.  Had  any  one  else  ever  loved  me  as  well  ? 

My  month  passed  most  delightfully.  How  many  times 
I  longed  to  give  her  my  secret  in  return  for  her  confidence, 
I  can  hardly  say;  but  I  doubted  my  own  ability  to  achieve 
a  thorough  success.  And  if  I  did  fail,  better  that  it  should 
be  hidden  from  all  pitying  eyes.  I  was  too  proud  to  ac- 
knowledge a  defeat. 

Anne's  baby  was  a  source  of  unbounded  satisfaction. 
Her  sisters,  fast  growing  into  womanhood,  held  it  in  the 
highest  esteem.  Mr.  Otis  appeared  to  have  taken  upon 
himself  a  new  dignity.  He  was  slowly  coming  up  to  the 
heights  of  complete  and  ripened  manhood.  I  remem- 
bered my  first  impressions  of  him  with  a  feeling  akin  to 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  255 

wonder  that  I  could  not  have  discerned  his  worth  sooner. 
To  me  he  was  the  kindest  of  friends,  unobtrusively  solicit- 
ous for  my  welfare. 

But  youth  is  the  season  of  quick  judgments  and  over 
hasty  conclusions.  And  though  my  experience  had  been 
brief,  I  was  better  able  to  distinguish  between  fine  gold 
and  alloy.  Already  the  rumor  had  reached  Anne  that 
Aylmer  Channing  and  his  wife  were  not  in  a  felicitous 
state.  The  lady  was  high-spirited  and  rather  inclined  to 
jealousy,  while  Aylmer  still  made  himself  as  fascinating  in 
society.  It  was  well  fate  had  interposed  and  saved  Anne 
from  the  dreary  state  of  a  neglected  wife.  As  for  myself, 
I  still  thought  of  my  episode  with  a  shiver.  How  weak  I 
must  have  been  to  yield  to  such  folly.  Perhaps  Mr.  St. 
John  was  right  in  his  estimate  of  me;  but  O,  was  there 
no  love  in  the  world  that  could  afford  to  be  generous,  to 
forgive  freely  ? 

It  seemed  quite  natural  to  go  back  to  school,  though 
Anne  was  earnest  in  her  entreaties  that  this  should  be  the 
last  year.  Unconsciously  a  new  hope  began  to  animate 
me.  If  I  could  gain  my  old  position,  —  and  it  seemed  al- 
most possible,  —  I  should  not  hesitate  to  encounter  old 
friends.  Yet  I  felt  a  little  bitter  to  think  how  soon  one 
drops  out  of  memory.  Two  years  before  I  had  been  the 
centre  of  an  -admiring  circle;  now  I  suppose  this  homage 
was  paid  to  a  new  star.  I  was  no  longer  in  the  ranks. 
"Well,  I  had  not  made  one  appeal.  I  had  taken  fate  at  her 
very  worst,  and  meant  to  fight  my  own  way  up  again,  or 
remain  in  obscurity. 

And  yet  I  confess  a  strange  feeling  of  depression  stole 
over  me.  My  tasks  began  to  prove  wearisome.  I  lived 
in  a  constant  fever  of  expectation  that  was  not  hope,  and 
began  to  realize  how  much  I  was  counting  on  a,  slender 
reed.  If  it  should  fail,  what  was  left  ? 


256  SYDNIE    ADRIANCE,    OR 

The  number  of  new  pupils  was  quite  large,  and  most  of 
them,  it  appeared  to  me,  were  exceedingly  dull.  Magda- 
lene Whitney  had  come  back ;  this  was  her  last  year. 
Some  wonderful  change  had  befallen  her;  not  merely  in 
disposition,  but  face  and  air  were  softer,  sweeter.  The 
girls  had  always  teased  her  a  good  deal  because  she  flashed 
into  flame  so  easily,  but  now  she  shunned  them.  She 
seemed  to  desire  solitude,  and  not  infrequently  I  found 
her  in  the  music-room  when  there  was  no  practising. 

One  day  I  remember  she  turned  suddenly  upon  me. 

"Miss  Adriance,"  she  said,"  why  do  you  watch  me  so?" 

It  was  the  easiest  to  tell  the  truth. 

"Because  I  am  interested  in  you,"  I  answered. 

"Why?"     The  deep  eyes  seemed  to  pierce  me  through. 

"I  don't  know  that  I  can  explain.  You  stand  so  much 
alone,  you  are  so  different  from  other  girls." 

"The  difference  will  not  repay  your  close  study;"  and 
her  scarlet  lips  curled  with  the  most  superb  scorn. 

I  made  no  reply.  Why  should  I  care  about  her,  since 
she  evidently  desired  no  one's  sympathy  ? 

Going  to  the  music-room  quite  late  one  afternoon,  I  dis- 
turbed her  reverie.  She  appeared  confused  at  first,  then 
bowed  coldly,  and  passed  me.  Something  dropped  from 
the  folds  of  her  dress.  I  picked  up  a  note  with  a  broken 
seal,  but  bearing  no  superscription.  I  took  it  to  my  own 
apartment,  and  as  I  laid  it  on  the  table  the  seal  caught  my 
eye  fairly.  "A.  C.,"  with  a  quaint  device  that  I  knew 
well.  I  started  in  the  utmost  surprise. 

The  rules  of  correspondence  were  very  strict,  but  I  knew 
the  system  of  smuggling  letters  was  brought  to  a  state  of 
high  perfection  among  school-girls.  My  duty  was  to  hand 
this  over  to  Mrs.  Ellingwood,  who  would  not  scruple  to 
read  its  contents.  I  had  a  more  than  passing  interest  in 
it,  if  it  was  as  I  suspected.  I  took  the  note  out  of  its  en- 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  257 

closure,  therefore,  and  glanced  at  the  heading,  —  "My 
clearest  Magdalene,"  —  in  Aylmer  Channing's  light,  grace- 
ful chirography.  I  conld  not  mistake  it. 

I  had  not  thought  the  man  a  deliberate  villain  before. 
With  a  girl  of  Magdalene's  nature,  the  acquaintance  could 
not  be  one  of  calm  friendship,  though  that  would  be  little 
to  his  taste.  In  his  search  for  something  new  and  piquant, 
I  could  see  just  how  she  had  attracted  him.  Her  spirit 
and  daring,  her  fiery,  passionate  nature,  her  strange,  sug- 
gestive face,  had  roused  him  from  the  tame  duties  of  married 
life.  I  question  if  fidelity  was  possible  to  him.  Some  fatal 
desire  for  change  swayed  him  with  an  irresistible  impulse. 

The  next  morning  I  summoned  Magdalene  to  my  room, 
as  I  had  resolved  upon  my  course.  There  was  an  appre- 
hensive look  in  her  eyes,  and  a  nervousness  quite  unlike 
her  usual  demeanor. 

"  Does  this  note  belong  to  you  ?  "  I  asked.  "  I  found  it 
in  the  music-room  soon  after  you  had  left." 

"It  does."  I  watched  the  eager  working  of  the  fingers, 
but  I  still  retained  it  in  rny  hand. 

"I  thought  such  things  were  forbidden  here," I  resumed, 
carelessly. 

"  Then  you  have  read  it ;  you  had  no  right ; "  and  her 
face  was  dark  with  intense  passion. 

"Perhaps  you  would  prefer  Mrs.  Ellingwood's  scru- 
tiny?" 

"O,  you  can  give  it  to  her,"  was  the  scornful  reply.  "I 
could  defy  you  both,  if  I  chose." 

"Miss  Whitney,  I  prefer  to  keep  your  secret.  To  be 
reprimanded  can  do  you  no  possible  good;  besides,  I  have 
a  deeper  interest  in  the  affair.  Will  you  tell  me  where 
you  met  Mr.  Channing?" 

She  turned  pale  at  the  mention  of  the  name.     After  a 
long  pause,  she  said,  slowly, — 
17 


258  SYDNIE    ADKIANCE,    OB 

"I  cannot  tell  you  anything.  I  would  gather  suffer  than 
break  a  promise,  and  a  most  solemn  one  binds  me." 

Then  she  folded  her  hands,  and  stood  calmly  waiting, 
her  face  settling  into  impassible  lines. 

"Is  he  your  lover?" 

The  only  answer  was  a  faint  flush. 

"I  have  not  read  your  letter,"  I  went  on.  "I  knew  the 
seal,  because  I  had  some  acquaintance  with  this  Mr.  Chan- 
ning,  and  was  once  engaged  to  him." 

"  Then  you  hate  me,  as  a  matter  of  course ! "  with  a  bit- 
ter sneer. 

"As  little  as  I  care  for  him.  But  he  has  no  right  to  ask 
any  woman's  love,  or  to  win  it.  He  is  already  married." 

A  most  indifferent  and  incredulous  smile  crossed  her 
face. 

"It  is  best  that  you  should  be  convinced,"  I  said.  "  His 
cousin  was  my  guardian.  I  have  a  friend  living  in  Balti- 
more who  is  distantly  related  to  him,  ami  through  either 
party  I  could  procure  you  positive  proofs.  But  it  would 
be  better  for  you  to  write  to  him  once  again,  and  tell  him 
from  whom  you  had  the  story,  and  that  Miss  Adriance  is 
one  of  the  teachers  in  this  place.  There  is  the  letter." 

She  bowed  as  she  took  it,  and  left  the  room  without  an- 
other word. 

I  wondered  whether  she  would  have  sufficient  courage 
for  such  a  step.  That  she  should  take  pains  to  shun  me 
was  in  no  wise  remarkable,  and  I  made  no  further  effort 
to  g  un  her  confidence.  Indeed,  my  own  affairs  occupied 
much  of  my  thoughts.  Every  day  was  bringing  me  nearer 
the  test  of  failure  or  triumph.  It  was  so  strange  to  bear 
it  in  this  utter  solitude  —  no  one  to  uphold  me  with  a 
smile. 

Yet  I  believe  I  was  a  good  deal  surprised  when  the  an- 
nouncement was  fairly  made.  It  was  the  beginning  of 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.      .  259 

December.  A  week  later  I  received  a  parcel  by  express. 
I  hurried  it  up  to  my  room  with  a  strange,  faint  sensation, 
as  if  the  throbbing  of  my  heart  would  strangle  me.  With 
what  eager  haste  I  tore  off  the  wrappings!  There,  in  its 
bright  cover  and  clear  type,  was  my  treasure,  the  work  of 
hours  and  moods  that  had  run  through  the  cycle  of  human 
joys,  delights,  fears,  and  almost  despair.  I  was  in  a  trance, 
a  far-off  world  of  my  own  ;  these  faces  around  me  were  like 
some  distant  visions,  these  tasks  a  chain  that  dragged  my 
body  to  earth,  but  did  not  touch  my  soul. 

I  must  confess  to  an  almost  wild  delight  in  its  first  pe- 
rusal, for  the  fact  of  authorship  had  been  hardly  realized 
as  yet.  In  my  solitary  life  it  was  such  a  great  event.  It 
became  love  and  hope,  the  solace  that  happier  women  find 
in  their  homes  and  children.  It  was  a  part  of  myself, 
henceforth  indissoluble. 

Lest  I  should  fly  to  the  heights  of  rapture,  the  publish- 
ers thought  fit  to  moderate  my  expectations.  Business 
was  very  dull,  indeed  ;  they  had  hesitated  about  issuing  it 
at  such  an  unfavorable  time,  but  I  might  rely  upon  them 
to  do  their  best,  only  I  must  not  be  too  sanguine,  or  too 
deeply  disappointed  in  case  it  was  not  a  success. 

When  the  first  excitement  had  subsided,  and  I  came 
back  to  common  life,  the  whole  atmosphere  appeared  dull 
and  tame.  My  tense  nerves  relaxed,  my  busy  brain  yielded 
to  a  sort  of  stupor.  I  could  not  bring  myself  to  care  for 
anything;  I  seemed  old  and  worn,  jwist  the  pleasures  of 
youth  and  hope.  A  dreariness  took  complete  possession 
of  me.  I  had  made  my  great  effort,  like  a  gamesti  r  who 
plays  his  last  card,  and  not  won. 


260  SYDNIE  ADEIANCE,  OR 


CHAPTER 

"  The  homes  we  had  hoped  to  rest  in 

Were  open  to  sin  and  strife; 
The  dreams  that  our  youth  was  blessed  in 
"Were  not  for  the  wear  of  life." 

FRANCES  BROWS. 

u  Miss  WHITNEY  is  alarmingly  ill,"  was  said  to  me  one 
Saturday,  as  I  came  in  from  a  walk. 

I  noticed  that  she  had  grown  paler  and  thinner  with  the 
hard  work  and  holiday  excitement,  and  perhaps  another 
cause.  I  had  been  so  engrossed  with  my  own  thoughts 
that  I  had  not  paid  much  attention  to  one  who  evidently 
kept  at  a  distance. 

"Is  it  fever?"!  asked. 

"No;  hemorrhage  of  the  lungs.  The  doctor  has  been 
with  her  for  nearly  two  hours.  He  has  but  just  gone." 

I  sought  Mrs.  Ellingwood  immediately.  She  was  much 
discomposed. 

"A  very  unfortunate  occurrence,"  she  exclaimed,  "for 
which  her  violent  temper  is  much  to  blame.  The  child 
has  no  sense  or  reason,  and  I  verily  believe  she  would  have 
been  glad  to  die  on  our  hands.  I  never  saw  so  strange  a 
being." 

I  went  to  the  infirmary.  On  a  cot  lay  Magdalene,  still 
deathly  pale,  and  looking  more  ghastly  by  the  abundance 
of  black  hair  tumbled  about  the  pillow.  She  raised  her 
eyes  faintly. 

I  bent  over  and  kissed  her.  With  a  slow  motion,  she 
slipped  her  hand  in  mine,  and  the  unexpected  token  filled 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  201 

me  with  surprise.  There  were  four  patients  besides  her, 
and  as  she  was  no  favorite,  I  knew  she  would  have  the 
least  care,  so  I  offered  to  remain  with  her  that  night,  to 
which  the  nurse  gladly  assented. 

For  several  days  there  was  little  change  in  her,  then  she 
began  to  give  evidence  of  rapid  improvement.  I  proposed 
to  Mrs.  Ellingwood  that  she  should  be  removed  to  my 
room,  as  the  utmost  quiet  was  indispensable.  The  lady 
stared  in  surprise. 

"  You  are  willing  to  take  a  great  deal  of  trouble,  Miss 
Adriance." 

"  She  will  recover  so  much  faster,"  I  returned,  quietly. 

As  I  had  never  allowed  any  intimacy  with  the  pupils, 
she  could  suspect  me  of  no  treasonable  design.  I  think 
she  was  rather  glad  to  assent;  so,  after  a  little  discussion, 
Magdalene  was  brought  to  my  room  and  consigned  to  rny 
supervision.  She  could  sit  up  and  help  herself  in  many 
ways. 

The  deep  eyes  thanked  me  with  wordless  gratitude.  I 
knew  then  that  I  had  found  the  way  to  her  heart. 

"  Why  do  you  care  about  me,  Miss  Adriance  ? "  she 
asked  one  evening,  when  I  found  her  still  in  her  easy 
chair,  after  supper. 

"I  can  hardly  tell,"  I  answered,  with  a  smile,  "  except 
from  the  fact  of  your  being  so  nearly  friendless." 

"My  own  fault,  I  suppose.  I  am  not  an  angel  in  tem- 
per ;  and  the  girls  seem  so  shallow  and  insipid,  most  of 
them,  or  else  deceitfully  wicked.  I  ought  never  to  have 
been  placed  in  the  world.  No  one  suits  me,  and  I  please 
no  one." 

"  Perhaps  you  have  never  tried." 

"  Miss  Adriance,"  after  a  long  silence,  "  how  patient  you 
are." 

"  It  did  not  used  to  be  reckoned  one  of  my  virtues." 


262  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,  OR 

And  then  I  thought  how  Mr.  St.  John  had  called  me  un- 
reasonable and  impatient,  and  found  no  grace  in  me. 

"  Do  yon  care  to  know  how  —  " 

Slie  made  so  long  a  pause  that  I  said  presently,  in  the 
gentlest  of  tones, — 

"  Tell  me  what  you  like,  Magdalene.  I  want  you  to 
feel  quite  at  ease  with  me." 

"About  that  letter.  I  wrote  as  you  suggested,  Miss 
Adriance.  I  was  so  confident  that  you  were  wrong.  Ah, 
I  can  never  tell  you  how  I  loved  him.  Remember  that 
from  babyhood  no  one  has  ever  cared  for  me.  I  have  been 
handed  from  one  friend  to  another,  until  at  last  a  cousin 
of  my  mother's  proposed  to  educate  me  for  a  teacher.  He 
is  in  California  making  a  fortune,  and  this  was  merely  a 
qualm  of  duty.  Last  summer  I  met  /mn,  Mr.  Channing." 
She  uttered  the  name  with  a  great  effort.  "  Did  you  ever 
love  him  ?" 

"No,"  I  said,  honestly,  "but  I  was  fascinated  with  his 
grace  and  beauty,  and  allowed  myself  to  drift  into  an  en- 
gagement. I  saw  a  great  deal  of  him,  and  learned  my 
mistake  in  time." 

"Well,  I  loved  \\\m.  A  year  ago  I  would  have  ridiculed 
the  idea  of  a  broken  heart,  and  what  is  it  but  a  broken, 
hopeless  life !  It  isn't  hard  to  die,  then.  I  met  him  by 
accident,  and  most  of  our  acquaintance  was  unknown  to 
any  one.  His  passion  roused  and  inspired  me.  I  came  to 
a  new  and  glorious  existence,  just  as  if  I  had  passed  all  my 
days  in  a  dungeon,  and  some  kindly  hand  had  brought  me 
out  to  light.  Where  it  would  have  ended  Heaven  only 
knows.  After  this  year  I  was  to  belong  to  him.  The 
promise  had  but  one  meaning  for  me  —  marriage.  I  re- 
turned to  school  envying  no  queen  upon  her  throne.  I 
was  wildly,  madly  happy,  until  that  day.  And  even  then 
I  did  not  doubt  him.  I  wrote  in  the  pride  of  my  perfect 


TKYING  THE  WORLD.  '263 

faith.  Then  I  waiter!  for  an  answer.  Miss  Adriance,  did 
you  ever  wait  for  anything  ?" 

I  smiled  faintly. 

"  I  don't  believe  you  know  what  it  means.  I  was  so 
sure  at  first.  I  couldn't  count  days  nor' hours.  I  did  not 
attempt  to  make  excuses  for  delay,  but  as  I  said,  just 
waited.  And  that  is  all." 

She  leaned  her  pale  brow  against  the  pillow,  fatigued  by 
her  long  talk.  I  smoothed  the  heavy  hair  and  chafed  the 
cold,  small  hands.  Was  that  all  to  this  life?  Alas,  I 
feared  so.  What  could  I  say  to  comfort  her? 

"Never  mind  about  me,"  she  went  on  presently.  "I 
wish  they  had  let  me  die  ;  but  since  it  was  not  to  be,  I 
shall  get  better.  I  do  not  want  to  be  sent  home.  The 
place  would  be  torture  to  me  now,  and  there  is  no  tender 
care  for  which  I  need  long." 

"My  dear  child,  you  must  be  quiet,"  I  said,  softly. 
"You  are  over  exerting." 

"One  word  more,"  and  the  wistful  eyes  sought  to  fathom 
mine.  "  Miss  Adriance,  will  you  love  me  a  little  ?  I'm 
humble  no\v." 

"My  darling;"  and  I  gave  her  fondest  kisses  for  answer. 

I  think  a  resolute  will  helped  Magdalene  very  much. 
She  was  soon  able  to  go  down  stairs,  and  took  her  place 
in  some  of  the  classes.  Yet  I  had  a  misgiving  that  it  was 
not  a  sound  restoration.  She  still  shared  my  room,  and 
we  became  strange,  warm  friends.  Once  she  won  from  me 
the  whole  story  of  my  acquaintance  with  Aylmer,  then  his 
name  was  dropped  forever.  Her  love  had  been  powerful 
in  its  strength  and  intensity.  I  felt  as  if  I  wanted  Aylmer 
Channing  to  come  and  look  upon  his  victim,  and  learn  a 
lesson  for  all  time  —  as  if  the  man  was  capable  of  a  deep 
and  la  ting  impression  ! 

When  she  was  a  little  stronger  I  placed  my  book  in  her 


264  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

way,  and  took  a  peculiar  delight  in  the  interest  she  mani- 
fested. It  had  created  no  marked  sensation  ;  and  I  was 
not  enough  in  the  world  to  understand  the  import  of  the 
few  notices  that  I  saw.  Perhaps  it  touched  Magdalene 
the  more  keenly  from  its  sadness  and  truth.  She  literally 
devoured  it.  This  was  sweetest  incense,  and  soothed  my 
despairing  heart.  Should  I  confess  to  her  how  great  a 
failure  I  had  made? 

Mrs.  Ellingwood  insisted  that  Magdalene  was  well 
enough  to  take  her  place  in  the  school  dormitory.  I  had 
some  fear,  but  a  slight  cold  was  the  only  immediate  con- 
sequence. When  she  began  to  cough,  I  expostulated  a 
little.  Alas!  it  was  too  late.  One  morning  I  found  her 
vainly  trying  to  thrust  out  of  sight  a  handkerchief  stained 
with  her  very  life  blood. 

"MagdaJene!"  I  uttered  in  an  agony  of  apprehension. 

"Hush.  I  did  not  mean  you  to  know.  I  think  I  am 
coming  to  the  last.  What  does  it  matter  ?  When  I  asked 
for  bread  I  received  a  stone.  My  heart  has  been  starving. 
Will  God  pity  me  a  little,  and  give  me  rest  ?  " 

How  rarely  I  had  thought  of  Him  ! 

"I  don't  want  to  go  away.  When  I  come  to  the  worst 
I  want  you  to  stay  with  me.  It  will  not  be  long." 

"  Child,"  I  exclaimed,  in  terror,  "  you  must  have  imme- 
diate attention !" 

"I  saw  the  doctor  yesterday.  He  assured  Mrs.  Elling- 
wood that  I  had  only  to  guard  against  excitement  and 
over  exertion,  and  should  be  quite  well  by  summer.  That 
means  I  shall  be  asleep  under  the  daisies.  God  knows 
best.  I  shall  be  glad  to  go  away  from  all  the  toil  and 
trouble.  Don't  wish  anything  else  for  me,  Miss  Adriance. 
I  am  quite  content." 

Something  about  her  awed  me.  She  had  changed  so 
much,  grown  absolutely  dignified  and  commanding.  For 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  265 

several  days  I  debated  upon  what  course  I  should  pursue; 
then  a  second  attack  decided  the  matter.  By  accident  she 
was  borne  to  my  room,  and  there  I  watched  her  for  nearly 
a  month.  In  that  time  there  came  a  deep  and  holy  love 
between  us.  As  if  she  had  learned  the  secret  of  life  at  last, 
the  faith  that  gains  an  abundant  entrance  into  heaven. 

During  those  watchful  hours  I  told  the  dying  girl  my 
secret.  Her  eyes  lighted  up  with  a  strange  gleam  of  joy. 

"  You  will  be  blest,"  she  said,  "  in  your  power  to  carry 
joy  to  weary  souls  that  faint  on  the  highways.  God  must 
reward  you  for  all  you  have  been  to  me." 

I  smiled  over  these  tender  visions  of  her  last  days.  It 
was  too  late  for  them  to  come  true,  but  it  was  all  that  her 
love  could  give.  And  one  midnight  her  weary  soul  flut- 
tered up  to  the  keeping  of  angels,  leaving  only  a  little 
death-cold  clay  in  my  arms.  Seventeen  brief  years,  and 
the  sweetest  draught  of  all  turned  bitter  upon  her  lips. 
God  help  us  to  keep  the  faith,  and  not  question  too  closely 
why  these  things  are  so, 

The  event  made  a  great  sensation.  A  death  of  this  kind 
always  fills  one  with  awe,  as  if  it  could  hardly  be  time  for 
one  to  die  in  the  very  bloom  of  youth.  Mrs.  Ellingwood 
regretted  that  she  had  not  sent  her  home  immediately  after 
the  first  attack. 

But  the  break  closed  presently,  and  we  all  went  on  with 
our  duties.  Spring  was  filling  up  the  hollows  with  the 
murmurous  sound  of  unchained  brooks.  The  brown  hill- 
sides changed  to  a  faint  glimmering  green  and  drowsed 
sleepily  in  the  sunshine.  The  pipe  of  birds  sounded  sweet 
in  the  early  morn,  and  the  air  was  fresh  with  dewy  fra- 
grance. What  was  it  to  me?  I  was  sick  and  tired  of  the 
endless  round.  Of  what  avail  was  it  for  miserable  souls  to 
live  at  all ! 

My  book  had  been  a  failure.    The  hope  that  I  should 


2G6  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OR 

one  day  stand  proudly  in  the  place  I  had  chosen  for  my- 
self—  reach  the  temple  of  fame  with  full  hands,  and  lay  my 
gift  upon  the  altar  —  was  slowly  perishing.  And  now  I 
told  myself  the  truth  —  I  could  not  endure  the  miserable, 
aimless  life  I  was  leading;  but  what  else  was  there  for  me  ? 
To  content  myself  with  commonplace  duties  and  events 
was  sure  mental  starvation.  I  seemed  to  be  isolated,  as  if 
there  were  a  mark  upon  me,  which,  others  seeing,  might 
avoid. 

I  was  twenty-two.  That  was  early  in  life  to  have  the 
worst  of  the  battle.  To  sit  on  this  monotonous  bank, 
watching  the  ebb  and  flow  of  life,  and  never  going  beyond 
the  dreary-looking  shore  on  either  side,  was  intolerable. 

I  was  fast  becoming  irritable,  but  how  could  I  resist  this 
constant  feeling  of  rebellion  ?  I  could  not  shut  my  eyes  to 
the  fact  that  I  was  out  of  place;  that  there  was  nothing  to 
call  forth  the  energies  within  me  that  were  absolutely 
starving  for  want  of  proper  nourishment  and  use. 

I  cannot  make  circumstances;  I  cannot  even  rule  them. 
I  cannot  understand  life.  Why  are  people  created  only 
for  misery?  It  does  not  sweeten  their  tempers  or  improve 
their  hearts,  so  far  as  my  experience  goes.  Faith  thrives 
best  in  the  genial  warmth  of  happiness. 

The  old  cry  of  the  Psalmist  rises  to  my  lips,  "  O  that  I 
had  wings  like  a  dove,  for  then  I  would  flee  away  and  bo 
at  rest." 


Still  I  kept  on  with  my  duties,  and  saw  the  change  that 
I  dreaded  approaching  nearer  and  nearer.  Anne  was  as 
anxious  as  ever  for  my  visit,  and  there  was  no  reason  why 
I  should  not  go,  but  I  shrank  from  it  with  a  curious  in- 
tensity. Torpid  as  my  brain  seemed,  it  had  some  torturing, 
sensitive  nerves.  The  sight  of  her  peace  and  happiness 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  267 

would  not  soothe  this  wayward  mood.  Sometimes  I 
thought  of  a  journey;  but  where  could  I  go  alone?  I 
had  no  ambition  to  guide  me,  no  desires. 

It  is  strange  that  in  some  seasons  of  life  one  seems  to 
have  several  distinct  individualities.  With  one  I  performed 
each  task  mechanically.  Another  seemed  drifting  about 
with  every  passing  tide,  while  a  third  weakly  rebelled,  and 
yet  had  not  sufficient  force  to  marshal  the  others,  or  reduce 
them  to  obedience. 

I  wondered  how  many  times  Mrs.  Ellingwood  would  go 
through  the  form  of  a  new  engagement.  Of  course  I 
should  stay  —  all  my  life  if  she  wanted  me.  Then  I  packed 
my  clothes,  put  everything  in  order,  and  said  a  few  fare- 
wells. The  brightest  vision  of  all  was  Magdalene  at  rest  in 
her  grave. 

I  had  no  desire  to  pause  in  New  York,  but  went  direct 
to  Baltimore.  I  found  Anne  alone,  but  bright  and  happy ; 
her  serene  eyes  marvellous  wells  of  content.  Every  event 
and  sight  that  day  is  stamped  so  vividly  upon  my  mind! 
Her  cool,  white  dress,  and  a  pale  pink  rose  on  her  bosom^ 
her  baby  smiling  and  winsome,  the  house  with  its  usual 
neat  adornment.  Everywhere  repose  and  peace. 

I  had  just  time  to  change  my  dress  for  the  late  supper 
awaiting  me,  but  I  could  not  eat.  I  sipped  my  tea  lan- 
guidly, and  then  took  a  long  draught  of  cold  water,  that 
proved  reviving. 

"  Your  hands  are  hot  and  feverish,"  Anne  said  presently, 
"  and  your  temples  throb  visibly.  Are  you  quite  certain 
it  is  only  fatigue  ?  " 

"Foolish  fatigue  at  that,"  I  answered,  almost  sharply,  as 
a  keen,  cruel  sense  of  disappointment  stole  over  me.  I 
had  meant  to  come  to  her  in  such  triumph  this  time.  I. 
was  she  who  was  calm  and  strong,  and  I  a  rudderless  bark, 
tossed  about  by  every  stray  wave. 


268  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OR 

"My  darling,  have  you  come  to  any  dark  days?" 

The  sweet  voice  unnerved  me.  A  choking  spasm  con- 
stricted my  throat. 

"  Am  I  not  your  sister,  your  dearest  friend  ?  Can  I  not 
dispel  the  cloud  ?  " 

"  One  comes  to  the  dregs  of  life  occasionally,  even  if 
one  is  not  utterly  adrift." 

"  But  there  is  One  who  can  make  the  bitter  sweet.  No, 
don't  look  so  faithless ;  you  surely  have  not  cast  away  this 
anchor?" 

"Anne,"  I  said,  "it  is  not  in  the  power  of  some  hearts 
to  believe  at  will.  Was  there  never  but  one  Hagar  in  the 
desert,  who  sat  down  to  perish  out  of  sight  of  all  she 
loved?" 

"  And  succor  came  to  her." 

"But  in  these  later  days  one  does  not  find  it  so  easily." 

"  Sydnie,  don't  you  believe  that  God  is  still  merciful,  and 
listens  to  all  who  cry  unto  him  ?" 

"  I  have  ceased  to  believe  anything,"  I  said,  with  sullen 
despair.  "  I  have  seen  all  my  hopes  perish  miserably,  and 
am  ready  to  cry,  Let  me  die  with  them." 

"  My  darling,  you  are  ill  and  dispirited." 

"Anne,"  I  exclaimed,  vehemently,  "  you  peaceful,  happy 
women  can  never  understand  the  struggles  of  others  tor- 
mented before  their  time.  Why  is  such  continual  suffering 
permitted?  Why  arc  people  created  with  hearts  that  only 
the  highest  aspirations  can  fill,  and  then  doomed  to  remain 
forever  barren  of  fruit  ?  Why  do  we  wander  in  deserts, 
and  clasp  phantoms  when  we  fold  our  hands  together?" 

"  We  would  be  less  free  if  God  did  not  permit  us  to 
stray  and  follow  our  own  devices.  But  he  is  ready  to 
bring  us  back  when  we  earnestly  desire  it.  And  for  the 
suffering  and  sorrow  —  why  question  if  we  do  our  part  to 
relieve  the  oppressed  ?  " 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  269 

"I  have  exhausted  life,"  I  said.  "I  have  come  to  the 
end,  and  all  is  darkness." 

"  I  am  not  going  to  let  you  talk  in  this  despairing  fashion. 
Your  nerves  have  been  strained  to  the  utmost,  and  it  is 
folly  to  rasp  the  tender  edges.  You  shall  go  to  bed  and 
rest." 

She  led  me  to  my  chamber,  and  the  ministrations  of  her 
cool,  soft  hands  tranquillized  rne.  Then  she  kissed  me  and 
bade  me  sleep. 

A  broad  sheet  of  moonlight  lay  on  the  floor  like  a  silver 
lake.  The  peerless  blue  of  the  sky  was  broken  by  stars 
of  faint  gold,  and  the  trees  were  edged  with  white  as  in  a 
monochrome.  I  rose  and  went  to  the  window,  sitting  a 
long  while  in  the  mild  air,  fragrant  with  night  dews.  But 
it  could  not  cool  the  fever  of  my  brain.  Strange,  distorted 
visions  glimmered  before  my  eyes.  The  old  solitude  of 
childhood  oppressed  me  ;  then  I  was  Hearing  my  bridal 
with  Aylmer  Channing,  and  no  hand  was  stretched  forth 
to  save  rne.  Snowy  robes  mocked  me  with  their  softness. 
There  was  a  dazzle  of  lace  and  satin,  a  smothering  sweet- 
ness of  perfume,  and  in  my  wildness  I  broke  away  from 
it  all. 

Then  the  vision  changed.  St.  John  and  I  rambled 
through  the  leafy  groves  at  Laurelvvood.  Listening  to  his 
voice,  I  grew  calm  again,  and  though  I  knew  it  was  a 
dream,  the  old  spell  reasserted  itself.  My  heart,  long  cold 
and  arid,  softened  to  these  tender  tones.  I  seemed  to 
realize  now  how  this  man  had  loved  me,  and  what  heaven- 
ly satisfaction  life  might  have  been  with  him.  Yes,  I  had 
cast  away  my  pearl  because  of  some  flaw  in  the  setting. 

Did  I  sleep  then?  I  do  not  know.  It  was  a  long, 
blessed  unconsciousness  of  pain  or  want,  a  sense  of  perfect 
rest.  I  was  satisfied  to  be  at  peace  at  last. 


270  SYDNIE  ADBIANCE.   OR 


CHAPTER   XX. 

"  Cast  off  the  weakness  of  regret,  and  gird  tbee  to  redeem  thy  loss; 
Thou  hast  gained  in  the  furnace  of  affliction 
Self-knowledge,  patience  and  humility." 

PKOVERBIAL  PHILOSOPHY. 

I  REMEMBER  rousing  myself  one  day  and  glancing  out 
of  the  window,  surprised  that  it  was  not  draped  in  moon- 
beams as  I  saw  it  last.  Instead,  a  soft  rain  pattering  on 
the  leaves  without. 

I  tried  to  rise,  but  my  head  fell  back  upon  the  pillow. 
Anne  was  beside  me  in  a  moment. 

I  experienced  a  weak,  confused  consciousness  of  having 
been  ill,  though  then  I  felt  well  at  heart. 

"  How  long  have  I  been  here,  Anne?"  I  asked. 

"  A  month.     But  you  are  better  now." 

"  Have  I  been  very  sick  ?  " 

She  kissed  me  tenderly,  her  eyes  swimming  in  tears. 

I  don't  know  why,  but  I  felt  glad  and  happy,  just  as  if 
it  were  a  pleasant  thing  to  come  back  to  life.  She,  seeing 
this,  smiled. 

I  begin  to  understand  some  of  these  mysteries  better. 
I  have  been  groping  about  in  the  dark,  intent  upon  my 
own  way,  trying  to  force  a  path  through  thorny  hedges, 
while  JQtt  outside  lay  the  clear  road.  My  imagination  had 
been  roused  to  some  great  achievement,  rather  than  my 
soul  awakened  to  the  serious  and  earnest  duties  of  life. 

Lying  there,  day  after  day,  too  weak  to  talk  much,  but 
with  a  mind  cleared  from  all  its  doubts  and  distraction,  I 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  271 

was  content  merely  to  exist.  Whatever  the  future  held 
for  me  would  come  in  its  own  good  time.  The  calm  that 
followed  was  delightful  in  its  entire  peace.  Anne's  slender 
figure,  nearly  always  robed  in  white,  angel-like  in  its  har- 
monious movements,  comforted  me  exceedingly.  She  had 
found  the  grand  secret  of  a  happy  life,  which  must  ever  be 
more  of  a  triumph  than  a  happy  death.  Her  whole  study 
seemed  to  be  how  she  could  best  minister  to  others.  The 
highest  and  purest  philosophy  lies  herein,  for  this  broad, 
comprehensive  charity  alike  blesses  the  bestower  and  the 
recipient. 

I  felt  humbled  as  I  glanced  over  my  past.  "What  had  I 
ever  done  for  another  ?  Ellen's  happiness  had,  after  all, 
been  more  the  result  of  circumstances.  Poor  Magdalene 
I  had  taken  to  my  heart,  biit  it  had  been  purely  material 
comfort  —  I  had  never  been  able  to  appeal  to  her  soul,  for 
my  own  was  in  the  depths  of  doubt.  I  preferred  to  be 
wretched  ;  I  fanned  each  trivial  circumstance  into  a  with- 
ering flame  that  scorched,  but  did  not  consume.  Though 
I  had  borne  my  misfortunes  with  outward  equanimity,  my 
heart  had  rebelled  continually.  I  had  exaggerated  my  ills, 
and  transformed  them  into  mountains. 

I  cannot  say  that  I  gave  up  my  one  great  hope  without 
a  pang.  Was  the  quality  I  had  fancied  genius  a  wretched 
impostor  only?  Did  God  mean  that  I  should  always  keep 
to  common  ways,  and  glorify  them  by  patience  and  love 
to  my  kind? 

At  last  I  said,  "Not  my  will,  but  Thine."  Not  from 
apathy,  but  humility  and  Designation.  And  then  I  was 
ready  to  begin  life  again. 

The  first  of  September  was  coming  on  apace.  I  realized 
that  I  should  not  be  strong  enough  to  fill  my  old  position, 
and  wrote  to  Mrs.  Ellingwood  to  that  effect.  Anne  was 
eve)  joyed. 


272  SYDNIE   ADPJANCE,   OK 

"  I  have  a  book  for  you  to  rend,"  she  said  one  morning1. 
"Mr.  Otis  and  I  liked  it  so  very  much,  and  I  have  been 
waiting  for  you  to  improve  sufficiently  to  undertake  it.  I 
can't  tell  Avhy  ;  but  there  is  so  much  in  it  that  reminds  me 
of  you.  I  should  have  written  to  you  about  it,  only  I 
wanted  to  watch  the  effect  it  would  have  upon. you." 

I  smiled  a  little. 

She  came  with  it  in  her  hand.  "  It  is  not  merely  for 
the  sake  of  the  story,"  she  went  on,  and  then  my  eyes 
caught  the  title.  My  own  book !  The  crimson  blood 
rushed  to  my  face  in  torrents,  and  I  trembled  violently  in 
every  pulse. 

"Why,  what  is  the  matter?"  and  her  sweet  eyes  were 
filled  with  amazement. 

"  I  have  read  it,"  I  stammered. 

"  Do  you  know  anything  about  it  ?  It  was  published 
last  winter ;  but  I  believe  it  did  not  begin  to  attract  much 
attention  until  spring.  The  author  seems  to  be  enveloped 
in  profound  mystery." 

I  covered  my  face  with  my  hands.  That  she  should 
bring  these  precious  tidings  to  me  ! 

"I  almost  believe  you  wrote  it  yourself,  and  yet  I 
never  thought  of  that  before.  Confess  ! " 

Her  voice  had  a  certain  exultant  ring  that  inspired  me. 

"  It  is  mine,"  I  said  under  my  breath,  scarcely  daring  to 
lay  claim  to  it. 

"My  darling!"  and  with  a  glad  cry  there  came  a  rain 
of  kisses  upon  my  forehead,  baptizing  me  afresh.  O, 
blessed  sympathy  of  friendship,  with  the  bliss,  but  not  the 
torture  nor  wild  desires  of  love !  And  then  we  clasped 
hands  in  that  cordial  tenderness  that  needs  no  words,  but 
is  a  language  unto  itself. 

"  How  blind  I  must  have  been !  Nay,  I  think  I  had  a 
dim  perception  that  in  it  I  saw  your  soul.  When  you 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  273 

taught  these  earnest-,  glowing  truths,  my  dear  friend,  had 
they  no  voice  for  you  ?" 

"Anne,"  I  rejoined,  *'  I  have  suffered  much  bitter  self- 
upbraiding.  I  wrote  the  book  in  spells  of  something  that 
appears  to  me  now  like  inspiration.  The  rest  of  my  life 
was  wretched  and  dreary  in  the  -extreme.  I  had  reached 
that  utter  weariness  of  heart  and  soul  when  all  is  black 
unbelief.  I  wanted  fame  —  success.  Pride  was  my  domi- 
nant ruler  apd  guide.  I  have  been  justly  punished." 

"  But  you  have  achieved  success !  Why,  the  book  is 
everybody's  admiration.  You  have  only  to  confess,  and 
you  will  find  yourself  famous," 

Sweet  words  from  the  lips  of  love.  Nothing  ever 
thrills  one  so  completely  as  that  sense  of  first  triumph,  all 
the  dearer  and  more  satisfying  for  the  many  hours  of  de- 
spair that  had  preceded  it.  But  my  eyes  filled  with  tears, 
rapturous,  yet  strangely  sad,  and  for  many  moments  we 
were  both  silent. 

"I  must  hear  all,"  Anne  said  at  length.  "How  well 
you  kept  your  secret !  yet  I  shall  have  to  exercise  a  good 
deal  of  Christian  charity  in  order  to  forgive  you  for  shut- 
ting me  out  of  your  confidence." 

I  told  her  the  whole  story.  It  appeared*  strange  even 
to  myself.  Anne's  sympathy  was  unbounded;  more  than 
once  I  saw  the  tears  softly  falling. 

"O,  my  darling,  how  you  have  suffered!"  she  said  at 
length,  with  a  tremulous  sob. 

"  You  must  not  pity  me,  nor  help  me  to  make  a  martyr 
of  myself,  I  am  done  with  that  forever.  I  turned  wil- 
fully away  from  the  light,  and  God  allowed  me  to  wander 
in  the  darkness  of  my  own  making." 

"I  think  there  is  a  time  in  nearly  all  our  lives  when  We 
go  into  the  wilderness,  and  are  tempted  of  the  devil.    It  is 
only  by  keeping  close  to  God  that  we  escape." 
18 


274  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

I  understood  the  peculiar  light  in  her  tender  eyes.  She, 
too,  had  known  the  anguish,  the  passion,  and  pain  of 
standing  a  brief  while  without  the  portals  of  hope. 

But  the  marvels  for  the  day  were  not  ended.  I  received 
a  brief  letter  from  Mrs.  Ellingwood,  expressing  much  regret 
that  I  would  not  be  able  to  resume  my  place,  and  offering 
to  wait  a  month.  She  enclosed  a  letter  that  had  come 
while  she  was  away,  and  had  been  mislaid.  It  was  from 
my  publishers.  They  were  very  much  encouraged  at  the 
late  success  of  my  book,  and  proposed  that  I  should  come 
to  New  York,  if  it  was  convenient,  as  there  were  several 
points  in  the  business  they  wished  to  discuss  with  me. 
It  had  been  written  a  month  before. 

I  was  too  tired  and  excited  to  sleep  well  that  night, 
yet  was  not  materially  worse  the  next  day.  Some  time 
elapsed  before  we  recovered  our  nsual  serenity  ;  indeed, 
the  whole  course  of  my  life  appeared  changed.  New 
plans  and  aims  haunted  me  continually;  but  I  tried  to 
keep  my  expectations  within  bounds.  It  was  only  one 
little  step  in  a  long  journey. 

I  made  arrangements  to  go  to  New  York  as  soon  as 
possible,  asking  Mrs.  Westervelt  to  take  me  in  during  my 
stay,  to  which  she  readily  agreed.  I  longed  to  see  the 
Bweet,  motherly  face  again.  She  was  very  lonesome, 
missing  the  society  of  Philip  and  Ellen  very  much.  They 
did  not  expect  to  return  until  mid-winter. 

Anne  was  loath  to  have  me  go,  but  she  yielded  her  de- 
sires in  her  own  sweet  fashion.  Her  brother  Walter  had 
been  in  Italy  nearly  a  year,  and  was  making  rapid  im- 
provement in  health  as  well  as  art.  "  I  shall  have  an  in- 
terest in  two  famous  people,"  she  said,  with  her  bright 
smile. 

I  found  that  Mrs.  Westervelt  had  lost  none  of  her 
charms.  I  wag  the  better  able  to  appreciate  the  exceed- 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  275 

ing  loveliness  of  her  character,  and  the  refined  and  tender 
geniality  of  her  temper.  Crowds  of  olden  memories 
thronged  about  me,  filling  the  very  rooms  and  halls  with 
phantoms.  I  almost  expected  to  see  Mrs.  Lawrence  enter 
in  all  her  airy  grace  and  beauty,  and  meet  Mr.  St.  John's 
deep,  questioning  eyes.  There  in  the  library  a  strange 
little  episode  had  occurred  ;  and  I  felt  the  blood  mantling 
my  brow  at  the  very  thought.  Did  he  remember  it? 
What  spirit  had  possessed  us  in  those  days,  in  all  days 
indeed?  Had  it  been  love,  or  simply  desire  to  rule  —  to 
gratify  a  longing  for  power  and  influence  ?  I  wondered 
if  we  would  ever  meet  again,  and  how  ?  Mrs.  Westervelt 
talked  them  both  over  in  her  delightful  fashion,  but  what 
did  she  know  of  him  ?  I  smiled  to  myself. 

Mrs.  Varick,  nee  Laura  Hastings,  was  living  in  elegant 
style.  Gertrude,  also,  had  married,  and  Mrs.  Hastings  might 
well  plume  herself  upon  her  success.  I  did  not  care  to  see 
either  of  them ;  indeed,  I  desired  quiet  and  seclusion.  I 
told  Mrs.  Westervelt  the  story  of  the  past  two  years,  or 
at  least  the  main  incidents,  and  surprised  her  greatly  by 
the  new  triumph  I  had  gained.  After  my  first  business 
interview,  I  felt  quite  assured  that  success  was  possible.  I 
had  gained  a  little  fame  and  made  a  little  money,  but  it 
was  a  very  fair  beginning.  The  prospect  warranted  my 
continuance ;  yet  now  I  found  myself  wondering  whether 
I  should  ever  do  as  well  again.  I  received  the  most  gra- 
cious encouragement,  and  resolved  that  I  would  not  fail 
for  lack  of  trial,  at  least.  There  was  much  to  do  before  I 
could  repose  in  the  shadow  of  my  well-earned  laurels. 

I  sometimes  wonder  whether  there  is  any  settled  plan 
to  life.  I  determined  to  return  to  Baltimore,  and  devote 
my  winter  to  writing  another  book.  I  was  making  my 
last  call  at  the  little  office  that  I  had  once  entered  with 
such  trembling  steps,  when  I  met  a  sister  of  my  publisher, 


276  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OB 

a  pale,  sweet-looking  woman,  hardly  middle  age,  but  bear- 
ing marks  of  great  fragility  of  constitution.  She  was  on 
the  eve  of  going  abroad,  but  had  met  with  some  disap- 
pointment, I  gathered  from  the  few  sentences  I  heard.  As 
it  did  not  concern  me,  I  paid  little  attention  to  their  con- 
versation. I  had  just  risen,  and  was  about  to  leave  them, 
when  there  was  a  flutter  beside  me,  and  a  familiar  face 
glanced  into  mine. 

"O,  Miss  Adriance!" 

Grace  Endicott  had  been  a  pupil  at  Elm  Grove  Semi- 
nary. The  similarity  of  names  had  escaped  me. 

"  Have  I  kept  you  waiting,  mamma?"  she  asked,  eagerly. 
"I  was  detained  unavoidably."  Then  to  me,  "Miss  Adri- 
ance, I  am  delighted  to  see  you.  Mamma  can  bear  witness 
that  I  have  been  won  by  your  wonderful  gift  of  music.  It 
has  actually  inspired  me." 

She  was  one  of  the  few  girls  it  had  been  no  trouble  to 
teach ;  a  great  favorite  with  all  in  school ;  yet  I  had  held 
myself  aloof  from  the  girls,  and  hardly  felt  familiar. 

"  This  is  your  Miss  Adriance,  then  ?"  her  mother  said. 

The  word,  simple  £S  it  was,  touched  me  profoundly.  Had 
I  unwittingly  inspired  this  girl  with  regard  ? 

"I  wish  she  was  mine,"  Miss  Endicott  exclaimed,  impul- 
sively ;  "  then  we  would  take  her  to  Europe,  mamma,  and 
have  no  more  worry.  Miss  Adriance,  are  you  not  going 
back  to  Elm  Grove  ?  " 

"  No,"  I  replied. 

"And  are  you  quite  at  liberty?" 

"My  dear,"  her  mother  said,  mildly. 

"O,  mamma,  it  would  be  just  what  we  want.  And  may- 
be Miss  Adriance  would  like  to  travel.  I'm  enchanted 
with  the  idea  of  going;  and  I  never  knew  any  one  who 
did  not  sigh  for  Italy." 

"  I  shall  have  to  explain,"  Mrs.  Endicott  began,  with  a 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  277 

winsome  smile.  ""We  expect  to  be  abroad  for  two  or 
three  years;  but  Grace  is  so  young  that  her  father  does 
not  like  to  trust  her  altogether  to  foreign  teachers.  We 
want  some  one  who  is  capable  of  exercising  a  supervision 
over  her,  and  who  would  prove  a  companion  for  me.  Just 
as  we  thought  ourselves  nicely  suited,  a  break  occurred  in 
the  negotiations,  and  we  all  regretted  it  extremely.  It 
would  be  so  much  more  pleasant  to  have  a  person  who 
was  not  an  entire  stranger ;  but  I  suppose  your  arrange- 
ments would  not  permit  of  such  an  engagement,  even  if  it 
should  prove  otherwise  agreeable.  Pardon  us  both  for 
mentioning  it." 

There  was  something  so  refined  and  lady-like  in  her 
demeanor  that  it  won  me  instantly.  Then  the  proposal 
did  look  tempting.  It  would  be  many  years  before  I  could 
afford  such  a  journey  as  a  luxury;  and  in  the  life  I  pro- 
posed to  myself  the  culture  and  knowledge  thus  acquired 
would  prove  invaluable.  I  had  no  tie  to  hold  me  here. 
Yet  I  could  not  decide  thus  suddenly. 

"If  it  would  not  interfere  too  much  with  my  plans  in 
another  direction,  I  should  hardly  hesitate,"  I  returned, 
frankly. 

"Mamma,"  Grace  said,  "suppose  we  take  Miss  Adriance 
home  with  us,  and  talk  the  matter  over  at  our  leisure." 

Mrs.  Endicott  seconded  the  invitation  so  strongly  that 
I  acquiesced.  Their  carriage  was  at  the  door,  and  entering 
it,  we  drove  to  a  quiet  but  aristocratic  part  of  the  city. 

Grace  was  vehemently  urgent.  In  vain  her  mother  tried 
to  restrain  her.  Still  she  was  charming,  and  would  prove 
a  pleasant  charge,  I  thought. 

We  discussed  the  matter  at  length.  The  duties  would 
be  light,  leaving  me  much  leisure  time,  if  I  could  manage 
not  to  be  distracted  with  the  constant  variety  of  travelling, 
though  they  expected  to  go  to  Florence  immediately,  and 


278  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

remain  there  for  the  first  winter.  The  proffered  salary  was 
liberal,  to  say  the  least. 

In  return,  I  informed  Mrs.  Endicott  of  my  desires.  It 
certainly  was  one  of  those  cases  of  mutual  attraction,  and 
seemed  to  promise  a  delightful  acquaintance.  I  staid  to 
lunch,  and  was  then  sent  home  in  the  carriage,  the  ladies 
promising  to  call  upon  me  in  a  few  days. 

I  related  my  odd  encounter  to  Mrs.  Westervelt  that 
evening,  as  we  sat  alone. 

"  It  looks  very  tempting  to  you,  I  dare  say ;  but,  my 
dear,  I  wish  you  had  been  more  like  ordinary  women." 

"  Why  ?  "  and  I  laughed  gayly.  "  In  what  respect  am 
I  different?" 

"I  should  like  to  see  you  happily  married  and  content." 

"I  shall  have  enough  to  content  me,  I  am  sure." 

"  Sydnie,  you  are  still  very  young,  and,  may  be,  have  not 
come  to  the  great  want  of  a  woman's  life  —  a  cheerful 
household  hearth.  And  though  genius  may  be  a  fasci- 
nating possession,  I  am  not  sure  but  it  brings  in  its  train 
restlessness  and  dissatisfaction  with  common  daily  duties. 
We  had  other  hopes  for  you,  my  dear  child." 

I  understood  the  allusion,  and  colored  faintly. 

"  It  hurts  me  to  hear  a  woman  sneer  against  love,  or 
treat  it  in  the  flippant  manner  so  common  among  girls  of 
the  present  day,"  she  continued.  "  If  any  feeling  is  held 
in  holy  reverence,  that  should  be." 

"  I  shall  always  honor  pure,  true  love,"  I  said,  with  emo- 
tion. 

She  glanced  earnestly  in  my  face.  I  know  we  both 
thought  of  Mr.  St.  John  ;  but  there  was  nothing  I  could 
tell,  and  her  delicacy  forbore  to  question. 

Grace  came  the  next  day,  and  spent  an  hour  with  me, 
quite  delighting  Mrs.  Westervelt. 

The  longer  I  considered  the  scheme,  the  more  feasible 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  279 

it  became.  I  went  to  Mr.  Harold  and  asked  his  advice  — 
for  the  grave,  kindly  face  held  a  potent  charm  for  me. 

It  was  advisable  that  I  should  follow  up  my  first  success 
as  soon  as  possible;  but  he  thought  the  merits  of  the  tour 
would  outweigh  its  few  disadvantages.  He  was  extremely 
fond  of  his  sister,  and  really  desirous  that  I  should  go, 
though  he  would  not  urge.  The  interview  decided  me, 
however. 

When  Mrs.  Endicott  came,  I  gave  her  my  answer,  and 
she  expressed  her  warmest  satisfaction.  They  were  anx- 
ious to  start  by  the  middle  of  October,  which  gave  me 
but  three  weeks  in  which  to  complete  my  arrangements. 
It  was  best  to  return  to  Baltimore  immediately. 

Anne  and  Mr.  Otis  both  congratulated  me  upon  my  im- 
provement :  I  had  begun  to  look  quite  like  myself.  I 
could  not  spoil  my  first  day's  pleasure  by  the  announce- 
ment of  my  speedy  departure,  though  I  smiled  a  little 
over  Anne's  castle-building. 

"  I  am  so  glad  to  have  you  back  again,"  she  said,  the 
next  morning.  "  I've  planned  such  lovely  times  for  the 
winter;  and,  as  you  write  your  new  book,  I  shall  read  and 
criticise.  Are  you  afraid,  that  you  look  so  sober?" 

"  I  shall  not  be  here,  my  dear  friend,"  I  said,  with  a  touch 
of  sadness,  for  I  had  begun  to  realize  how  sweet  it  was  to 
be  so  well  loved. 

"Not  here?"  she  echoed,  in  dismay. 

"  I  am  going  to  Europe." 

"  Have  you  made  your  fortune,  or  is  some  one  going  to 
send  you  as  a  travelling  correspondent?"  she  asked,  in  as- 
tonishment. 

"  Neither ; "  and  then  I  explained  what  had  befallen  me. 

"  It  is  selfish  to  be  sorry ;  but  I  had  counted  so  much 
upon  our  enjoyment  together  I  I  am  never  to  have  you, 
it  seems." 


280  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"'There  nre  a  good  many  ye  firs  yet  to  come,"  I  rejoined, 

"And  hosts  of  friends,  possibly  a  husband." 

At  this  I  shook  my  head. 

"  Have  you  taken  a  vow  of  celibacy?" 

"Not  exactly.  Out  of  the  three  IViends,  one  ought  to 
remain  single.  You  and  Laura  are  married." 

"  And  I  used  to  think  you  would  be  the  first  to  go." 

"Undiscovered  merit;"  and  I  laughed. 

"You  really  did  not  care  for  Ayhner?" 

"  Set  your  heart  at  rest.  I  am  thoroughly  ashamed  of 
that  episode.  His  cruelty  towards  Magdalene  crushed  out 
the  last  vestige  of  even  friendly  feeling." 

"And  you  ::re  quite  fancy  free?" 

"Worshipping  the  hero  of  my  dreams,"  I  said,  with  a 
rising  color. 

Though  Anne  "was  grieved  to  the  heart,  she  gave  me 
all  the  assistance  in  her  power.  My  wardrobe  had  not 
been  replenished  since  the  Laurel  wood  days,  and  many 
dresses  needed  only  alteration  and  retrimming  to  make 
them  presentable.  Some  I  never  should  wear  again.  I 
seemed  so  much  older  and  graver  than  when  those  mar- 
vellous robes  of  tulle  and  lace  were  fashioned.  And  the 

"  Something  sweet 
That  follows  youth  with  flying  feet)" 

was  forever  gone. 

I  was  not  hopeless  nor  dispiiited,  and  yet  there  were 
moments  when  the  years  looked  long  and  almost  weari- 
some. After  fame  was  gained,  and  the  restless  yearning 
for  change  satisfied,  what  then  ? 

The  partings  were  all  ended  at  last,  and  I  stood  on  the 
steamer's  deck,  catching  last  glimpses  of  New  York.  Once 
I  had  rocked  to  the  plash  of  the  tide  up  there  in  the  river, 
viewing  a  sunrise.  Everywhere  something  recalled  Mr. 
St.  John.  He  would  Lear  of  my  departure,  also  of  my 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  281 

debut  in  the  world  of  literature,  and  be  in  nowise  affected. 
Well,  I  had  found  a  place  in  the  world,  and  a  work  to  do, 
and  that  ought  to  satisfy. 

Does  it  ? 

No.  Are  women  such  weak,  unreasonable  beings  that 
they  must  long  continually  for  a  crumb  of  love  ? 

It  humiliated  me  to  confess  it,  even  to  myself;  and  yet, 
as  Mr.  St.  John's  wife,  I  should  know  more  perfect,  satisfy- 
ing happiness  in  a  month,  than  in  all  my  solitary  lifetime. 
I  can  see  now  my  fatal,  irremediable  mistake. 


282  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   Ott 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

"  Life  will  not  flow  as  rivers  flow,  nor  seas; 
It  is  a  flood  but  made  of  raindrops ;  days, 
Hours,  aud  moments;  several,  pitiless." 

IT  is  a  long  while  since  I  have  looked  at  this  journal. 

A  life  that  is  at  once  changeful,  busy,  and  interesting 
leaves  little  time  for  retrospection.  Mine  has  been  crowded 
with  delight  and  variety,  and  I  have  known  more  real 
enjoyment  than  I  once  thought  possible. 

In  the  Emlieotts  I  found  warm  and  delightful  friends. 
Mrs.  Endicott  seems  like  an  elder  sister,  for  she  has  none 
of  Mi-s.  Westervelt's  motherly  ways.  Grace  was  piquant, 
charming,  and  full  of  girlish  enthusiasms.  In  her  I  dis- 
covered many  things  that  reminded  me  of  myself,  in  my 
impulsive,  undiscipined  girlhood. 

After  geeinj;  us  domesticated  at  Florence,  Mr.  Endicott 

O  ' 

left  for  Paris  and  London,  whither  business  called  him. 
We  were  occupants  of  a  picturesque  old  house  that  had 
doubtless  been  a  palace  in  bygone  year?.  At  first  I  be- 
lieve I  was  a  little  disappointed  in  the  place.  The  nar- 
row,  irregular  streets,  and  tall  houses,  with  their  sleepy, 
ruinous  look,  was  so  different  from  the  busy  life  to  which 
I  had  been  accustomed.  But  in  the  distance  the  masses 
of  hills  sloped  down  to  the  lazily  flowing  Arno,  while 
northward  rose  ranges  of  mountains.  Here  and  there 
olive  orchards  waved  their  branches  in  the  soft  sunshine, 
gardens,  vines,  and  flowers  dawned  upon  us  at  every 
turn.  We  spent  many  a  day  in  rambles  about  the  sub- 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  283 

urbs  of  this  curiously  historical  city,  and  by  degrees  began 
to  feel  at  home. 

The  mornings  were  generally  devoted  to  study.  I 
yielded  to  the  spell  of  delicious  languor,  and  for  weeks 
spent  my  leisure  in  reading  aloud  or  idly  dreaming.  It 
was  delightful  merely  to  breathe.  I  found  my  duties  both 
light  and  pleasant.  We  haunted  the  old  churches,  lis- 
tening to  masses  as  we  had  never  heard  them  rendered 
before.  When  I  roused  myself  to  work,  the  trance  still 
pervaded  every  fibre  of  my  being,  and  under  its  enchant- 
ing influence  I  wrote  of  beauty,  nature,  and  love. 

Early  in  the  summer  we  began  to  travel.  Switzerland, 
Germany,  the  Rhine,  France,  and  a  glimpse  into  Spain. 
The  second  winter  we  spent  at  Rome.  Mrs.  Endicott's 
health  was  much  improved,  and  we  had  settled  to  a  warm, 
steady  friendship.  She  was  deeply  interested  in  my  pur- 
suits, and  delighted  with  my  success.  I  hardly  recognized 
myself  in  this  life  of  continual  charm  and  variety. 

One  of  my  earliest  friends  in  Home  was  Walter  Suther- 
land, lie  was  still  delicate  with  a  high-bred  spiritual 
beauty  that  seemed  almost  unearthly  in  his  moments  of 
enthusiasm.  His  whole  soul  was  in  his  art,  just  as  it  had 
been  in  boyhood.  Mrs.  Endicott  became  greatly  interested 
in  him,  but  Grace  found  a  stronger  attraction  in  a  com- 
panion of  his,  a  young  artist  also.  Arthur  Wanlleigh  was 
eminently  calculated  to  please  women,  not  with  the  super- 
ficial charm  that  had  won  Mr.  Channing  his  successes,  but 
a  true  and  earnest  soul.  She  sat  to  him  for  a  pit-lure,  and 
he  strolled  in  nearly  every  evening  for  music  and  a  social 
chat.  How  well  I  remember  the  long  room  with  its  an- 
tique furniture  and  polished  floors,  the  piano  at  one  end, 
and  those  two  youthful  faces  smiling,  lighting  up  with  a 
word,  or  joining  their  voices  in  some  sweet  harmony.  In 
the  centre,  the  table  with  its  books,  papers,  and  vase  of 


SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OR 

flowers,  Mrs.  Endicott  in  her  great  chair,  and  a  group 
gathered  around,  eagerly  discussing  art,  science,  poetry, 
politics,  or  religion.  It  was  a  kind  of  life  nearly  perfect  in 
its  enjoyments,  and  influenced  me  in  a  peculiar  manner. 

Although  we  were  not  much  in  society,  we  had  many 
agreeable  friends.  One  evening,  I  think  it  was  during 
Lent,  Mr.  Wardleigh  brought  a  young  American  to  call 
upon  us.  We  found  him  exceedingly  entertaining.  His 
two  sisters  had  been  abroad  several  years,  and  he  had  but 
recently  rejoined  them.  It  seemed  like  a  little  glimpse  of 
my  native  land,  and  was  the  more  to  me  in  that  he  had 
met  the  "Westervelts,  indeed  was  quite  welt  acquainted 
with  Philip. 

"  How  really  charming  you  were  to  Mr.  Clifford,"  Grace 
said,  with  a  gay  laugh.  "  I'm  not  sure  that  it  is  quite 
right  to  make  yourself  so  fascinating  to  susceptible  young 
men." 

"  Neither  of  us  are  in  any  danger,  I  think,"  was  my  grave 
reply. 

"  Didn't  he  make  you  a  trifle  homesick  with  all  that  talk 
about  old  friends  ?  Once  or  twice  there  was  such  a  soft, 
strange  light  in  your  eyes.  I  do  not  want  you  to  be  seized 
with  a  longing  for  home  just  yet." 

I  started  at  this,  then  said  that  I  thought  my  reign  as 
governess  would  presently  come  to  an  end. 

She  colored  at  my  retort. 

We  had  counted  strongly  on  the  service  of  Passion 
Week,  and  went  to  the  Sistine  Chapel  every  day.  I  do 
not  wonder  that  the  gorgeous  ritual  wins  many  admirers. 
It  impressed  me  with  a  deep  feeling  of  awe.  Great  pa- 
thetic swells  of  music,  the  dim  lights,  and  air  cloudy  with 
incense,  the  low-voiced  priests  and  sombre  penitential 
robes,  have  a  wonderful  power  over  the  imagination  and 
feeling  in  such  a  place,  where  sculpture,  poetry,  and  paint- 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  285 

ing  lend  their  divine  power.  And  yet  there  must  be  times 
when  nothing  but  true  divinity  will  satisfy  the  hungering 
soul. 

I  remember  glancing  over  the  crowd,  and  coming  to  a 
face  and  figure  that  riveted  my  attention  instantly.  What 
there  was  about  it  to  affect  me  so  curiously  I  could  not 
tell,  unless  the  long,  searching  gaze  startled  me  and  ren- 
dered me  almost  nervous.  This  stranger  was  either  Eng- 
lish or  American,  tall,  thin  to  emaciation,  and  deathly  pale. 
His  hair  and  beard  were  snowy  white,  and  the  contrast 
with  his  large,  dark,  inexpressibly  mournful  eyes,  was  in- 
describable. Feeble  and  aged  as  he  appeared,  there  was  a 
lingering  impress  of  power  in  every  feature.  Again  and 
again  I  encountered  the  look. 

Grace  remarked  it  also,  and  spoke  of  it  afterwards. 

"  lie  appeared  well-bred,  and  a  gentleman,  but  he  cer- 
tainly did  stare.  There's  something  suggestive  about  his 
face,  as  if  I  had  seen  it  under  different  circumstances," 
she  said. 

"  It  affects  me  in  precisely  the  same  manner,"  I  replied ; 
and  though  I  tried  to  dismiss  it,  I  found  that  it  still  haunt- 
ed me. 

We  were  in  our  places  the  next  day,  and  the  unknown 
in  his.  I  began  to  have  a  strange  presentiment  of  evil  or 
misfortune.  Of  late  I  had  grown  serenely  happy;  now  I 
seemed  to  have  come  to  the  verge  of  change  and  danger. 

The  pomp  of  Good  Friday  was  most  solemn  and  im- 
posing. Just  before  nightfall  we  went  to  the  chapel.  The 
setting  sun  made  a  dusky  crimson  twilight  through  the 
richly  ornamented  windows,  and  at  the  far  chancel  the  tall 
candles  sent  their  faint  rays  over  the  striking  scene.  After 
the  priest  read  the  service,  the  mournful  flow  of  music 
rolled  like  great  sorrowful  waves  through  the  chapel.  One 
by  one  the  candles  Avere  extinguished.  Then  a  plaintive 


286  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

voice  took  up  the  cry  of  desolation,  touching  every  heart 
by  its  exquisite  pathos,  joined  presently  by  a  deep,  tremu- 
lous alto,  that  rendered  the  sound  more  like  a  perfect 
agonizing  wail. 

Suddenly  another  sound  broke  the  devotional  fervor:  a 
human  exclamation  of  pain  or  grief.  There  was  a  stir  in 
the  vicinity  of  our  unknown  ;  indeed  he  seemed  to  have 
fallen  heavily  backward,  but  in  the  crowd  we  could  not  see 
any  further  movement.  I  was  nervous,  and  discomposed  ; 
and  though  the  remainder  of  the  service  was  grand  and 
touching,  I  hardly  listened,  and  was  glad  to  emerge  from 
the  darkened  church  into  the  open  air  and  the  lingering 
rays  of  daylight.  We  came,  singularly  enough,  upon  Mr. 
Clifford,  assisting  the  very  person  in  whom  we  had  become 
so  interested.  His  steps  were  tottering,  and  his  face  like 
death  itselfl 

We  merely  exchanged  glances.  I  was  alarmed,  and  glad 
to  find  Mr.  Endicott  waiting  for  us. 

Grace  told  the  story,  she  being  much  calmer  than  I. 
And  that  evening,  when  Mr.  Wardleigh  came,  it  was  re- 
peated. 

He  smiled  a  little. 

"  I  think  it  is  Mr.  Clifford's  uncle,  who  is  an  invalid.  He 
has  quite  large  expectations  from  him,  I  believe.  I  have 
met  the  two  sisters  —  Mrs.  Dorrance  and  Miss  Clifford." 

"And  the  resemblance  we  could  not  account  for,  is  to 
young  Mr.  Clifford,"  Grace  said,  relieved.  "Yet  there  is  a 
shadowy  suggestion  of  something  that  I  can't  dismiss  from 
my  mind." 

"  We  had  better  dismiss  it  altogether,"  I  returned. 

"  How  pale  you  are,  Miss  Adriance  !  And  I'm  stupidly 
nervous,  for  I  sec  a  resemblance  in  every  one  to  those 
Cliffords,  I  believe.  Just  now  your  eyes  had  the  exact 
expression." 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  287 

"Tt  is  oclrl,"  Mr.  "Wardleigh  said,  "but  the  first  evening 
Clifford  was  here  I  couldn't  help  thinking  he  looked  like 
Miss  Adriance.  I  suppose  it  was  only  a  whim." 

I  went  to  my  room  presently,  but  somehow  I  could  not 
sleep  that  night.  Vague  fancies  haunted  me,  out  of  which 
I  could  make  nothing  tangible.  I  felt  glad  that  we  were 
Boon  to  leave  Rome,  for  I  was  tiring  of  its  lonely  magnifi- 
cence. Indeed,  a  strange  yearning  for  home  came  over 
me. 

But  my  surprise  had  not  reached  its  climax.  The  next 
morning,  as  I  sat  in  my  room  writing  letters,  Grace  entered 
with  a  face  full  of  wonder. 

"  Mr.  Clifford  is  here,  and  wishes  to  see  you  alone,"  she 
announced. 

I  started  at  this.  "  There  certainly  is  some  mystery 
about  it,"  she  went  on.  "  If  his  uncle  were  not  old  and 
ill  —  " 

"  Hush  !  "  I  interrupted,  silencing  her  playful  badinage. 
Then  I  crossed  the  hall,  but  paused  several  seconds  at  the 
door,  steadying  my  nerves.^ 

Mr.  Clifford  stood  by  the  centre-table,  pale  and  agitated. 

"  You  must  excuse  this  unseasonable  call,"  he  said,  with 
a  faint  smile;  "but  it  is  a  work  of  necessity." 

"  Pray  be  seated,"  and  I  placed  a  chair  for  him. 

"  Miss  Adriance,"  he  began,  slowly,  after  quite  a  pause, 
"I  want  you  to  exonerate  me  from  all  motives  of  imperti- 
nence or  curiosity.  I  saw  you  yesterday  as  we  came  out 
of  the  chapel.  I  was  assisting  my  uncle,  who  had  been 
ill  —  " 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  as  he  waited. 

"I  mentioned  your  name  then.  It  seems  he  had  been 
attracted  by  a  singular  resemblance  to  a  person  long  dead, 
a  nephew  dearly  loved,  who  married  a  Miss  Adriance. 
I  do  not  know  that  it  can  have  anything  to  do  with  you ; 


288  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OB 

but  he  was  most  anxious  to  learn  your  antecedents.  Of 
course,  if  Sidney  Clifford  had  left  a  child  its  name  would 
not  be  Adriance." 

The  room  swam  before  my  eyes.  That  old  tragedy  of 
love  and  death  rushed  through  my  brain.  Sidney  Clifford. 
I  remembered  that  I  had  inherited  my  father's  Christian 
name;  by  one  of  the  odd  incidents  of  fate,  his  family  name 
I  had  never  known,  for  my  aunts  had  made  Adriance 
legally  mine.  Mr.  Anthon  was  probably  aware,  but  he  had 
not  mentioned  it. 

"  I  must  beg  your  pardon  for  startling  you  in  this  man- 
ner," he  continued.  ""Uncle  has  some  strange  whims  — 
but  Miss  Adriance ! " 

He  came  towards  me  suddenly.  I  was  not  faint,  yet  I 
gasped  for  breath. 

"There  was  a  little  girl  born  to  Sidney  Clifford.  This 
is  her  mother's  picture."  And  he  opened  a  locket. 

I  uttered  a  cry  of  joy  and  surprise.  My  own  mother,  as 
I  had  seen  her  just  once. 

"  I  think  he  is  right.  He  always  supposed  the  child 
dead,  having  been  so  informed.  Miss  Adriance,  we  are 
something  nearer  than  friends  —  relatives." 

I  was  in  a  maze  of  bewilderment,  and  hardly  knew  what 
to  say.  Was  not  the  whole  affair  some  idle  vision,  con- 
jured up  by  an  old  man's  diseased  brain  ?  But  the  picture  ! 

"  Yesterday,  overcome  by  the  warmth  of  the  place,  the 
power  of  the  music,  and  perhaps  his  own  feelings,  he 
fainted.  On  leaving  the  church  we  met,  as  you  know. 
He  begged  me  to  learn  your  name,  and  who  you  were.  I 
explained  immediately,  and  then  he  confessed  he  had 
watched  you  for  the  past  week,  drawn  by  some  attraction 
it  was  impossible  to  resist.  Last  night  he  was  very  ill. 
He  blames  himself,  I  believe,  for  many  of  the  misfortunes 
that  befel  your  parents,  and  implored  me  to  bring  you  to 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  289 

him,  if  I  learned  that  you  were  really  their  child.  He  will 
tell  you  the  story.  I  think  there  can  be  no  doubt.  It  was 
one  of  those  unfortunate  secret  marriages,  but  our  main 
facts  agree,  and  as  he  is  all  impatience  I  will  not  delay  by 
further  explanations.  Will  you  accompany  me  thither?" 

I  assented,  and  went  to  make  myself  ready,  promising 
to  satisfy  Grace  on  my  return.  I  hardly  knew  whether  I 
believed  or  not.  And  as  we  were  rolling  through  the  nar- 
row street,  in  spite  of  the  whirl  of  my  brain  I  fancied  that 
it  would  be  -pleasant  to  find  some  one  on  whom  I  had  a 
stronger  claim  than  mere  friendship.  But  how  many  times 
in  my  short  life  I  had  been  cast  among  utter  strangers ! 

I  repeated  the  few  facts  of  my  early  history  to  Mr.  Clif- 
ford. During  the  previous  night,  when  his  uncle  had  con- 
sidered himself  dying,  he  had  spoken  of  some  matters 
concerning  which  he  had  heretofore  preserved  the  utmost 
silence. 

"  Of  course,"  Mr.  Clifford  explained,  "  he  could  not 
imagine  you  were  alive.  The  resemblance  certainly  is  ex- 
traordinary. The  first  evening  that  I  saw  you,  you  re- 
minded me  of  my  sisters." 

I  had  always  supposed  that  I  resembled  my  mother's 
family.  I  had  a  distinct  remembrance  of  my  two  aunts, 
and  I  fancied  that  as  I  grew  older  I  looked  more  like 
them.  Was  it  the  peculiar  likeness  between  myself  and 
the  Cliffords  that  Grace  had  unconsciously  remarked? 

I  was  in  a  chaos  of  amazement  and  unbelief,  or  rather 
that  strange  sort  of  fear  to  which  faith  appears  impossible. 
As  if  upon  examination  some  conclusive  link  would  be 
wanting,  and  the  whole  affair  fall  to  the  ground  like  a 
baseless  fabric. 

We  arrived  at  the  place  presently  —  a  lovely,  olden- 
time  villa,  with  a  terraced  garden,  and  great  trees  lining 
the  carriage  way  as  well  as  the  walk.  There  was  an  air 
19 


290  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OK 

about  it  of  going  into  slow  decay,  and  yet  it  was  exceed- 
ingly lovely.  Mr.  Clifford  led  me  up  the  broad  arched 
entrance,  whose  marble  floor  gave  a  faint  echo  to  our 
tread.  A  lady,  apparently  thirty,  tall  and  elegant  in  the 
black  robe  that  clung  about  her  with  a  kind  of  exquisite 
grace,  came  to  meet  us. 

u  I  have  brought  her,  Bertha,"  Mr.  Clifford  said,  and 
then  followed  my  introduction  to  Mrs.  Dorrance.  Al- 
though stately  and  commanding,  she  was  very  gracious. 

"  We  owe  you  some  apology  for  thus  startling  you  with 
a  family  history,"  she  went  on,  in  a  low,  sweet  tone.  "  But 
if  it  is  true,  as  our  uncle  suspects,  we  shall  endeavor  to  win 
your  pardon  by  the  welcome  we  shall  give  you  as  a 
relative." 

"  There  can  be  no  doubt  about  it,  Bertha,"  Mr.  Clifford 
said. 

"  Will  you  have  Miss  Adriance  lay  aside  her  bonnet  and 
mantle,  while  I  go  and  prepare  uncle  ?" 

I  understood  immediately  that  I  would  not  be  consid- 
ered an  intruder,  and  this  gave  me  courage.  Indeed,  they 
both  appeared  so  intent  upon  ministering  to  their  relative 
that  the  mere  influence  brought  me  into  the  same  mood. 
Mrs.  Dorrance  made  a  few  explanations  while  her  brother 
was  absent,  but  he  soon  came  to  conduct  me  to  the  sick 
man's  apartment. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  291 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

"  Many  things  there  ar« 
That  we  may  hope  to  win  with  violence; 
While  others  only  can  become  our  own 
Through  moderation  and  wise  self-restraint." 

GOETHE. 

A  CURIOUS  awe  seized  me  as  I  entered  the  place.  The 
lofty  ceiling,  frescoed  walls,  heavy  crimson  curtains  that 
made  a  soft  twilight  through  the  room,  the  antique  furni- 
ture and  great  canopied  bed,  seemed  like  a  description  in  a 
story.  The  lighter  appointments  of  the  place  I  scarcely 
noticed  then.  As  the  sense  of  dimness"  cleared  away,  I 
caught  a  glimpse  of4  the  pale  face  amid  the  pillows,  and 
started  involuntarily. 

"  Sydnie  Adriance!"  he  exclaimed,  stretching  out  his 
hand  with  a  majestic  wave.  "Let  her  stand  there  in  the 
light,  Gorald.  My  God!  how  like,  and  yet  unlike.  Childj 
come  here,  and  forgive  me  before  I  die.  I  think  I  mur- 
dered your  father ! " 

"Go  to  him,"  Gerald  Clifford  said,  in  a  whisper. 

I  approached  the  bed-side.  Something  in  the  face  ap- 
pealed powerfully  to  me.  I  seemed  to  lose  my  own  voli- 
tion and  be  swayed  by  his  desires  alone.  A  motive  I 
could  not  understand  impelled  me  to  say, — 

"  I  do  not  think  I  have  suffered  much  from  the  past  mis- 
takes of  others." 

"Ah,  you  are  generous  because  you  do  not  know.  Ger- 
ald, give  me  some  cordial,  and  leave  me  alone  with  her." 

The  young  man  obeyed,  raising  his  uncle  to  a  sitting 


292  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

posture,  and  placing  a  chair  for  me.  For  the  first  few  mo- 
ments the  silence  was  deathly.  I  glanced  at  the  pallid 
face,  so  full  of  lines,  the  sunken  yet  strangely  pathetic 
eyes,  and  the  trembling  hand  grasping  the  counterpane  for 
even  that  frail  support. 

"  You  don't  know."  The  voice  was  weak  and  wander- 
ing. "  If  he  could  have  given  you  a  father's  love  and 
care  —  " 

That  touched  me.  I  had  never  known  neglect  so  far  as 
my  bodily  wants  were  concerned,  but  the  sweetness,  the 
tenderness  most  children  have  by  right  of  a  blessed  inheri- 
tance had  fallen  out  of  my  life,  leaving  waste  and  desolate 
places. 

"  I  want  to  hear  your  story,"  he  said,  presently.  "  I 
shall  be  better  able  to  tell  mine  then." 

I  began  with  my  earliest  recollections,  which  were 
scarcely  beyond  that  first  conversation  concerning  my 
father.  After  that  my  guardian's  visit  and  my  first  school 
experience ;  but  at  the  death  of  my  aunts  I  paused. 

"Go  on,"  he  said,  with  some  difficulty.  "  I  want  to  hear 
all  about  this  life  that  I  might  have  made  so  much 
better." 

I  went  briefly  over  the  succeeding  years  —  my  school 
life,  my  introduction  to  the  world,  my  subsequent  loss  of 
fortune,  and  the  years  since,  with  their  varied  incidents. 

He  had  grown  strangely  interested.  Through  the  latter 
part  his  eyes  had  scarcely  wandered  from  my  face.  I 
marvelled  that  I  should  be  able  to  talk  with  so  little  re- 
serve, but  I  could  see  that  it  pleased  him  better.  Every 
moment  a  strong,  yearning  sympathy  drew  me  nearer  to 
him. 

"My  poor  child!  If  I  could  have  known  of  your  ex- 
istence years  ago,  Heaven  will  bear  me  witness  that  I 
would  have  given  you  the  tenderest  care.  It  was  I  who 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  293 

visited  your  aunt,  and  she  told  me  you  were  dead.  I 
might  have  made  inquiries  elsewhere,  but  I  could  riot  sus- 
pect her  of  any  motive  for  deception,  though  I  could  see 
that  she  cherished  the  most  bitter  hatred  towards  your 
father,  even  in  his  grave.  Both  of  us  sinned  in  our  self- 
ish love  for  the  one  nearest  to  us.  Can  it  ever  be  for- 
given ?  " 

A  strong  impulse  led  me  to  clasp  my  hand  over  the 
thin  white  fingers.  It  was  returned  with  trembling  pres- 
sure. 

"  I  must  go  back  to  my  own  early  life  to  make  you  un- 
derstand why  I  loved  your  father  so  well.  There  were 
two  brothers  of  us,  all  that  were  left  of  a  large  family. 
Arnold  and  I  were  inseparable,  and  yet  we  were  very  dis- 
similar. He  had  a  girl's  delicacy  and  fastidiousness,  while 
I  was  a  great  strong  fellow,  able  to  take  life  at  its  hardest 
or  its  worst.  Why  linger*'over  that  episode?  We  both 
loved  the  same  woman,  or  rather  child,  a  girl  so  fair,  so 
pure  and  lovely  in  soul  as  well  as  in  body,  that  all  other 
women  failed  by  comparison.  I  fancied  she  loved  me  in 
return ;  and  I  watched  with  keenest  eyes,  quickened,  per- 
haps, by  all  I  had  at  stake.  With  Arnold  she  was  shy 
and  reserved,  I  thought,  shunned  rather  than  sought  him, 
while  she  caine  to  me  with  so  winsome  a  freedom  that  I 
laid  my  whole  soul  at  her  feet.  Blind  dolt  that  I  was,  not 
to  see !  feut  my  passion  absorbed  sight  and  sense.  One 
night  Arnold  came  to  me,  his  face  fairly  transfigured  with 
delight,  and  his  voice  tremulous  with  joy.  Muriel  loved 
him,  had  confessed  it,  and  promised  to  become  his  wife. 
In  that  moment  I  was  plunged  into  the  blackness  and 
depth  of  despair.  I  could  have  cried  out  weakly  in  my 
agony,  but  for  his  sake  I  held  my  peace.  But  the  torture 
of  the  next  few  weeks  I  cannot  describe.  Even  now  it 
comes  back  fresh  and  poignant.  Muriel  was  so  uncon- 


294  SYDNIE   ADKIANCE,   OR 

sciously  sweet  and  sisterly.  I  knew  then  that  my  own 
blindness  had  misled  me." 

He  made  so  long  a  pause  that  I  looked  at  him  in  distress. 
Each  respiration  was  labored  and  painful. 

"You  will  injure  yourself,"  I  exclaimed,  apprehen- 
sively. 

"I  have  lived  these  scenes  over  continually  during  the 
last  twenty-four  hours.  Life  is  nearly  gone  —  what  does 
it  matter  ?  " 

What  could  I  say  ?  I  cast  about  for  some  comfort,  but 
none  came. 

"  I  could  not  stay  to  see  them  married.  I  happened  to 
meet  with  a  fine  opening  in  a  mercantile  house  connected 
with  the  China  trade,  and  I  resolved  to  go  abroad.  I 
spent  nine  years  there,  and  amassed  a  fortune,  added  to 
the  small  one  I  had  inherited.  Then  I  set  out  upon  a  tour 
through  all  the  wonderful  countries  of  the  old  world  — 
India,  Persia,  Arabia,  and  Egypt.  I  had  reached  the 
shores  of  Greece  when  I  received  word  from  JMuriel. 
Arnold  had  died  suddenly;  and  in  one  of  the  periodic 
financial  convulsions  nearly  everything  had  been  swept 
away.  I  had  an  abundance  for  them  all,  and  I  hurried 
back  to  my  native  land.  I  found  Muriel  lovelier  than 
ever,  but  in  a  fatal  decline.  She  grieved  continually  for 
her  husband.  I  never  saw  deeper  or  truer  devotion. 

"There  were  two  children,  Sidney,  the  younger,  named 
for  me.  There  was  a  peculiar  blending  of  father  and 
mother  in  him  ;  he  had  her  soft  dark  eyes,  and  her  almost 
heavenly  smile,  with  all  his  father's  delicacy  of  figure  and 
constitution.  From  the  first  hour  I  took  him  to  my  heart. 
Richard,  the  elder,  was  proud,  ambitious,  and  energetic, 
the  kind  of  boy  that  appeals  so  strongly  to  the  pride  of 
most  men ;  but  Sidney  I  loved  with  a  strange,  tender 
passion. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  295 

w  "Well,  Muriel  died.  She  never  knew  my  secret  here 
upon  earth,  and  in  heaven  the  angels  are  pitiful.  I  took 
her  children  as  my  own.  Richard  prospered,  and  grew 
into  a  noble  manhood.  I  settled  him  in  business,  and  saw 
him  married.  Bertha,  Gerald,  and  Alice,  whom  you  have 
not  seen,  are  his  children.  He,  too,  died  young. 

"  Perhaps  I  was  blind  in  my  partiality  for  Sidney.  I 
do  not  mean  that  I  was  ever  ungenerous  to  Dick ;  but  upon 
the  younger  I  lavished  all  my  love.  He  was  so  fond  and 
clinging,  so  affectionate!  O,  why  did  I  allow  this  sweet, 
fond  heart  to  stray  from  me  ? 

"One  summer  —  he  was  barely  twenty,  and  just  through 
college  —  he  took  a  fancy  to  ramble  around  with  some 
young  companions,  as  I  thought.  I  had  always  supplied 
him  liberally  with  money,  and  he  really  had  no  idea  of  its 
value.  In  most  things  he  was  a  child.  He  met  your 
mother,  and  the  two  fell  headlong  in  love.  After  a  while  he 
wrote,  confessing  his  attachment;  and  as  she  had  been 
subject  to  what  he  considered  a  very  cruel  persecution  on 
the  part  of  her  friends,  he  proposed  to  marry  her  imme- 
diately, and  bring  her  home. 

"And  now  comes  my  own  bitter,  humiliating  confes- 
sion. My  jealous,  absorbing  love  was  goaded  to  madness* 
To  lose  him,  to  have  another  come  between,  and  see  him 
lavish  upon  her  the  boundless  wealth  of  his  affection !  He 
was  mine  in  a  peculiar  sense.  I  had  given  up  his  mother; 
but  I  would  not  relinquish  him.  I  wrote,  and  com- 
manded him  to  renounce  his  boyish  folly,  and  return 
home  at  once.  I  blamed  the  girl  as  a  designing  schemer, 
and  refused  uttei-ly  to  see  her  or  receive  her. 

"My  letter  was  delayed  on  its  way;  and  when  it 
reached  him,  Miss  Adriance  was  already  his  wife,  having 
clandestinely  left  her  relatives.  I  was  merciless  in  my 
anger,  and  his  very  tenderness  for  his  bride  exasperated 


296  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

me.  I  took  a  savage  delight  in  announcing  that  lie  Irim- 
self  had  made  the  rupture  between  us;  that  he  had  proved 
weak,  fickle,  and  ungrateful ;  and  henceforth  he  need  not 
look  to  me  for  assistance.  Since  he  had  chosen  her,  he 
must  abide  by  his  fate.  Henceforward  we  would  be  utter 
strangers. 

"Richard  was  provoked  with  his  imprudent  marriage 
also.  Sidney  begged  him  to  intercede,  that  he  might  be 
restored  to  my  favor ;  but  I  would  not  listen  to  a  word 
in  his  behalf.  For  more  than  a  year  we  heard  nothing 
from  him.  I  had  been  away  several  weeks  on  some  busi- 
ness; and  when  I  returned,  my  housekeeper  met  me  with 
a  strange  story.  Sidney  had  arrived  one  evening  looking 
so  ill  and  worn,  and  so  disappointed  at  my  absence,  that 
she  had  asked  him  in.  He  would  eat  nothing,  but  begged 
to  be  allowed  the  privilege  of  going  to  his  old  room  once 
more.  At  midnight,  hearing  a  stir  within,  she  had  entered 
his  room,  and  found  him  in  a  wild  delirium.  That  was 
four  days  before,  and  he  had  alternated  between  fever 
and  stupor  ever  since.  The  physicians  despaired  of  his 
life. 

"  I  was  stunned  by  the  tidings,  and  went  immediately 
to  him.  My  darling  —  but  O,  how  changed  !  Worn  to  a 
skeleton,  the  thin  cheeks  a  flame  of  scarlet  fire,  the  soft 
eyes  glared  with  the  fever  that  was  consuming  him.  All 
my  love  rushed  back  in  an  instant.  I  would  have  given 
my  life  to  save  him.  Alas  !  repentance  —  everything  was 
too  late !  On  the  ninth  day  he  died.  I  was  holding  him 
in  my  arms,  and  I  know  a  faint  gleam  of  consciousness 
overspread  his  soul.  With  one  bright,  glad  smile  his  spirit 
went  heavenward. 

"  For  weeks  I  was  plunged  into  a  profound  and  pas- 
sionate grief.  I  scarcely  slept,  or  ate,  or  thought.  I  had 
ordered  a  brief  letter  despatched  to  your  mother;  but  my 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  29? 

tieart  was^  still  bitter  and  unjust  towards  her.  I  blamed 
her  for  all  that  had  occurred.  If  she  had  displayed  any 
judgment  she  would  not  have  rushed  upon  this  evil  mar- 
riage. I  laid  Sidney's  death  at  her  door. 

"  Some  time  afterwards,  in  looking  over  a  long  unused 
drawer,  I  found  the  locket  Gerald  brought  to  you,  and  the 
last  note  my  poor  Sidney  had  written  —  unfinished  at  that 
—  dated  the  evening  on  which  he  had  returned.  Some 
presentiment  of  coming  death  had  already  foreshadowed 
Lim.  He  implored  me  to  be  kind  to  his  wife  and  little  girl, 
As  your  aunt  told  you,  he  had  overtasked  his  strength  in 
his  endeavor  to  keep  them  comfortable;  and  besides,  he 
had  missed  my  love,  and  longed  for  it  ardently.  I  cannot 
tell  you  how  this  touched  me.  I  studied  the  picture  in 
the  locket  —  a  sweet,  girlish  face,  so  lovely  that  I  almost 
forgave  his  fatal  passion. 

"  As  reason  returned,  I  found  that  I  had  not  been  quite 
free  from  blame.  I  had  reared  him  in  luxury  and  idle- 
ness, given  him  expensive  tastes  and  habits,  and,  at  the 
most  critical  moment  of  his  life,  thrown  him  upon  his  own, 
undeveloped  resources.  He  had  striven  to  do  his  best, 
and  the  most  severe  judge  could  ask  no  more. 

"  In  this  softened  mood  I  set  out  to  find  your  mother. 
In  the  city  where  they  had  been  living  all  trace  of  her 
was  lost;  but  I  remembered  the  name  of  the  town  where 
he  had  visited  her,  and  began  to  search  for  any  one  by 
the  name  of  Adriance,  I  soon  found  there  were  two 
maiden  ladies,  living  in  strict  retirement,  and  that  this 
unfortunate  girl  was  their  niece.  I  wended  my  way 
thither,  and  had  an  interview  with  one  of  these  women, 
your  great-aunt  Hester,  it  seems.  If  possible,  she  was 
more  exasperated  about  her  niece's  marriage  than  I  had 
been,  and  inveighed  most  bitterly  against  her  husband, 
I  spoke  of  the  child,  and  of  my  intention  to  take  it  and 


SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

care  for  it ;  for,  somehow,  the  thought  of  a  little  girl  had 
brought  up  the  image  of  my  lost  Muriel.  She  stopped  me 
by  announcing  that  the  child  had  followed  its  mother, 
and  that  I  would  forever  be  relieved  of  any  care  in  that 
direction;  and  there  was  a  kind  of  haughty  triumph  in 
her  voice.  I  was  too  utterly  overwhelmed  to  make  any 
further  inquiries.  My  last  hope  of  reparation  had  been 
swept  away.  No  atonement  could  be  made  for  my  cruel 
injustice.  But  I  cannot  even  now  understand  why  they 
chose  to  be  so  mysterious  about  you." 

The  weary  eyes  sought  mine  for  explanation.  The  be- 
seeching pathos  nearly  unnerved  me. 

"  It  was  their  pride  to  keep  the  last  member  of  their 
family.  They  had  loved  my  mother  with  the  same  jealous 
watchfulness;"  and  then  I  paused,  fearful  of  wounding 
him. 

"  But  I  would  have  forgiven  all,  and  asked  to  be  for- 
given myself.  Heaven  knows  I  was  humble  enough  then  j 
yet  it  is  true  I  never  could  have  left  you  entirely  to  their 
care.  What  a  life  for  a  child  !  Still,  I  wonder  that  the 
prospect  of  what  I  would  be  able  to  do  for  you  did  not 
have  some  weight  with  them.  They  were  not  mercenary, 
we  must  confess." 

"  They  possessed  sufficient  for-  me ;  "  and  I  gave  a  faint 
smile  to  think  how  it  had  gone. 

"  And  now  you  know  all  my  sin.  Child,  do  you  despise 
me?" 

I  buried  my  face  on  the  pillow,  overcome  by  a  sudden 
rush  of  emotion,  and  tears  of  the  profoundest  pity  filled 
my  eyes. 

"  Sydnie !  It  takes  me  back  to  the  old  days.  For  his 
sake  you  must  forgive." 

There  was  an  indescribable  entreaty  in  the  tone. 

"  I  forgive  all,"  I  said,  in  a  tremulous  voice. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  299 

"  Strange  that  love  should  he  at  once  the  blessing  and 
the  curse  of  life  ;  that  our  darkest  and  most  unhallowed 
moments  should  be  swayed  by  the  passion  in  one  form, 
and  our  hours  of  bliss  in  another.  Come  nearer,  child,  and 
lay  your  cheek  against  mine.  What  mighty  voice  spoke 
when  I  first  saw  you  ?  It  was  no  sickly  fancy  or  supersti- 
tion, but  God's  divine  mandate.  You  will  not  leave  me, 
Sydnie.  It  won't  be  long.  I  have  passed  the  boundary 
of  threescore  and  ten." 

"  If  you  wish  me  to  stay  —  "  and  then  I  paused.  How 
would  my  new  cousins  view  this  matter? 

"  I  wish  you  to  stay."  His  voice  was  so  faint  that  I 
sprang  up  in  alarm,  and  when  I  saw  how  ashen  his  lips 
were,  I  exclaimed,  almost  in  terror,  — 

"  What  can  I  do  for  you  ?    We  have  talked  too  long  —  " 

"  No,"  he  interrupted.  "  Touch  the  bell  yonder  upon 
the  table ;  it  will  summon  Gerald." 

Mi'.  Clifford  came  and  administered  some  remedy. 

"  Gerald,"  he  said,  when  he  could  speak,  "  this  is  your 
cousin,  beyond  doubt.  I  wish  her  to  stay  with  us." 

Gerald  was  not  displeased  with  the  announcement,  I 
could  plainly  see. 

"  Bertha  must  make  her  feel  at  home.  I  shall  have  four 
children  now." 

He  fell  into  a  drowsy  mood  presently,  and  Gerald  led 
me  to  the  sitting-room,  where  his  sisters  were  engaged 
with  two  young  children.  I  felt  a  little  awkward  at  first, 
but  that  soon  wore  away.  I  found  them  really  charming, 
and  disposed  to  be  very  friendly.  Mrs.  Dorrance  was  a 
widow,  and  the  children  were  hers.  Miss  Clifford  was  not 
mOue  than  twenty,  smaller  than  her  sister  in  every  respect, 
and  exceedingly  winsome  —  one  of  those  appealing  faces 
that  win  you  simply  because  they  seem  to  desire  it  so 
earnestly. 


SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

After  a  little  the  conversation  turned  upon  our  relation- 
ship, and  the  singular  manner  in  which  the  explanation  had 
come  about. 

"  Uncle  Sidney's  early  death  always  was  a  great  grief  to 
his  more  than  father,"  said  Mrs.  Dorrance.  "  For  many 
years  afterwards  he  lived  in  seclusion,  losing  sight  of  the 
world  altogether.  When  Mr.  Dorrance  died,  he  proposed 
that  Alice  and  I  should  go  abroad  with  him ;  and  for  a 
while  his  health  improved  very  much." 

An  hour  or  two  later  I  was  summoned  to  the  invalid's 
room  again.  He  had  been  discussing  my  coming  with 
Gerald,  who  had  assented  to  his  proposition.  The  larger 
part  of  his  fortune  was  to  go  to  the  young  man,  and  Mrs. 
Dorrance  had  been  left  in  very  easy  circumstances.  He 
proposed,  therefore,  to  give  me  the  same  amount  that  Alice 
was  to  have,  and  which  Gerald  thought  quite  just. 

"  You  are  very  generous,"  I  said  to  him,  in  a  low  tone. 

"  We  have  so  few  relatives  that  it  is  not  much  tax,  you 
see,"  and  he  smiled.  "  Besides,  we  take  a  certain  pride  in 
the  relationship.  You  have  already  won  quite  a  position, 
and,  I  think,  to  be  placed  above  any  necessity  will  leave 
you  much  more  free  to  follow  your  inclinations.  My  uncle 
is  most  anxious  that  we  should  have  a  true  and  kindly 
regard  for  each  other." 

His  manner  had  in  it  more  of  the  brother  than  the  lover. 
I  was  glad  to  see  this. 

I  was  compelled  to  return  home  that  evening,  for  I  knew 
Mrs.  Endicott  would  feel  alarmed  at  a  longer  absence ;  but 
I  promised  to  make  all  necessary  arrangements  for  a  per- 
manent stay  with  them.  They  expected  to  go  to  Nice 
shortly,  and  desired  that  I  should  accompany  them. 

At  the  Endicotts'  we  sat  up  half  the  night,  talking.  My 
story  appeared  more  wonderful  with  every  repetition  of  it. 

"  And  you  are  actually  related  to  the  Cliffords,"  Grace 


TRYING  THE  WOELD.  301 

said.  "  How  strange  that  it  should  have  come  about  in 
this  manner !  Mamma,  what  will  we  do  without  Miss 
Adriance  ?" 

Mrs.  Endicott  sighed  a  little. 

I  should  be  sorry  to  leave  her.  The  tour  had  been 
delightful  as  well  as  profitable  to  me.  I  had  enriched  my 
mind  with  pictures  of  storied  cities,  works  of  art,  sculp- 
ture, and  music.  I  had  seen  society  in  the  different  na- 
tionalities, and  to  me  this  knowledge  would  be  invaluable. 
I  was  reaching  the  height  I  had  once  planned  for  myself; 
yet  it  had  not  been  altogether  the  work  of  my  own  hand. 
God  does  not  mean  that  any  human  being  shall  stand 
entirely  alone. 

I  felt  strangely  awed  and  humbled  that  night.  I  thought 
of  my  parents  in  their  distant  graves,  their  sad,  broken 
lives,  and  my  own  eventful  existence.  I  did  not  question 
God's  providence  now,  or  seek  to  wrest  the  inscrutable 
secrets  of  fate  from  him.  I  had  learned  to  believe  —  to 
trust. 

In  the  course  of  the  next  fortnight  my  change  was  com- 
plete. There  was  a  very  delightful  home  feeling  with  the 
Cliffords.  Perhaps  what  won  me  the  most  was  the  genu- 
ine cordiality  they  evinced.  No  narrow  or  petty  sentiment 
swayed  them.  Their  natures  were  at  once  sweet  and 
noble. 

Arthur  Wardleigh  won  a  confession  from  Grace  that  I 
had  more  than  half  suspected.  They  were  all  to  return  to 
America  by  another  autumn,  Grace  going  as  a  bride. 
Consequently  I  would  not  be  as  much  needed  by  the  gay 
girl ;  but  I  was  'grieved  at  parting  with  Mrs.  Endicott, 
she  had  proved  such  a  delightful  friend. 

Uncle  Clifford,  as  we  all  called  him,  improved  slowly. 
He  seemed  to  hold  for  me  the  most  profound  and  tender 


302  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OB 

regard.  I  shared  the  nursing  with  Gerald  and  Alice ;  in 
fact  we  three  soon  became  the  warmest  of  friends.  I  was 
so  perfectly  at  ease  with  them.  I  liked  this  atmosphere 
of  affection  and  refinement,  and  the  once  more  being  my 
own  mistress. 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  303 


CHAPTER   XXIII. 

"  Open  the  chamber  where  affection's  voice, 
For  rare  occasions,  is  kept  close  and  fine." 

ARTHUR  HALLAM. 

WE  are  at  Nice. 

Uncle  Clifford  has  quite  recovered  his  usual  health,  for 
he  was  feeble  before  the  shock  he  received  at  our  acci- 
dental meeting.  I  sometimes  wonder  if  the  rest  are  not 
jealous,  he  clings  to  me  so  entirely.  He  walks  up  and 
down  the  shining  beach,  leaning  on  my  arm,  and  we  watch 
the  ships  that  skim  along  in  the  glancing  sunlight,  or  look 
over  the  blue  rippling  waters,  that  join  a  faint  chorus  with 
the  fragrant  murmurous  air.  Or  we  sit  and  rest  on  a  rude 
rustic  bench,  talking  over  the  past.  He  loves  to  speak  of 
my  father.  I  remember  when  my  swelling  child's  heart 
first  broke  its  bonds  of  thraldom,  and  was  filled  with  love 
for  him.  Then  he  predicts  a  brilliant  future  for  me. 

What  do  I  care  for  fame  now?  The  great  world  is 
shut  out.  We  have  a  sweet,  sunny  nook  by  ourselves. 

Then  I  wonder  at  my  former  unrest.  I  think  of  the 
days  of  my  pride  and  waywardness,  when  I  left  the  Eden 
of  my  first  love  to  become  a  wanderer.  Is  it  blooming 
yet  ?  What  does  it  matter?  I  can  never  enter  it  again. 

By  and  by  we  no  longer  walk  to  the  beach,  but  watch 
the  ships  and  listen  to  the  fisher's  song  from  our  windows. 
What  if  there  is  another  ocean  nigh  at  hand,  to  be  crossed 
by  one  alone? 

Cannot  human  love  make  chains  strong  enough  to  hold 


304  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

the  dear  one  back  ?  Ah,  would  it  when  the  close  of  a 
long  and  wearisome  pilgrimage  is  reached  ? 

Every  day  takes  him  one  wave  nearer  the  haven  of 
rest.  The  end  is  coming  tranquilly,  like  a  calm  autumn 
season,  whose  spring  shall  open  in  the  fields  of  light.  Love 
is  unbound  from  its  chains  of  passion  and  selfishness,  and 
grows  into  the  likeness  of  the  divine. 

Then  a  time  comes  when  he  lies  quiet  and  helpless. 
Fond  hands  minister  to  him.  Now  and  then  I  sing  some 
of  the  old  hymns  he  loves  so  well,  and  the  peaceful  light 
in  the.  tender  eye  thanks  me  with  wordless  gratitude. 

At  last  we  all  stand  beside  him  as  the  sunlight  dies  out 
over  the  far  waters,  and  its  last  rays  fall  like  an  aureole 
around  the  marble-bued  face.  The  hand  I  hold  in  mine  is 
cold  and  pulseless.  The  lips  move  faintly.  I  bend  over 
and  kiss  them  softly,  and  there  is  a  little  quiver  in  the  air, 
a  flutter  heard  but  unseen. 

We  who  are  left  clasp  hands  with  a  sudden  sense  of 
desolation.  He  has  crossed  the  swelling  flood,  to  go  no 
more  out  from  the  presence  of  the  living  God. 


There  was  no  reason  why  we  should  remain  abroad  after 
Uncle  Clifford's  death.  Mrs.  Dorrance  was  really  anxious 
to  return,  and  I  was  quite  satisfied  with  my  ramblings. 

"  Alice  is  to  be  married,"  she  said  to  me  one  day,  as  we 
were  making  our  arrangements.  "  She  postponed  it  for 
the  sake  of  accompanying  Uncle  Clifford,  but  her  lover  has 
grown  impatient.  I  have  a  large  house  in  New  York,  and 
shall  be  most  glad  to  receive  you  there.  We  should  be  as 
sisters;  and  I  have  promised  to  do  all  in  my  power  to 
make  you  happy." 

I  knew  to  whom  her  promise  had  been  given. 

"You  are  very  kmd>"  I  said,  from  my  full  heart. 


TRYING   THE  WORLD.  305 

"Let  us  try  it  then.  You  shall  be  free  to  visit  friends, 
but  that  will  be  your  home." 

"When  Alice  heard  the  decision  she  was  delighted. 

"  You  see  we  mean  to  enforce  our  claim,"  she  said,  with 
a  smile. 

It  was  August  when  we  reached  New  York.  Every- 
thing appeared  strange  and  unreal  to  me.  And  being 
called  Miss  Clifford,  as  that  was  one  of  the  terms  of  my 
uncle's  will,  keeps  me  in  continual  doubt  of  my  own 
identity. 

As  soon  as  the  house  could  be  put  in  order,  Alice  was 
quietly  married.  For  the  present  her  home  was  to  be 
with  her  husband's  mother.  Then  I  made  Anne  a  visit, 
and  all  the  incidents  since  my  departure  had  to  be  re- 
hearsed, though  I  had  written  them  in  the  order  of  their 
coming. 

"  And  this  cousin  Gerald  ?  I  heard  you  had  married 
him  abroad." 

"  What  an  absurd  story ! "  I  exclaimed. 

"1  don't  see  any  absurdity  about  it." 

"  Its  very  improbability  renders  it  so." 

"  Is  it  so  utterly  impossible  ?  You  are  not  really  own 
cousins,  you  know —  if  that  is  a  scruple." 

"  We  are  very  good  friends,  and  can  never  be  anything 
more.  Gerald  hag  an  ideal  as  unlike  me  as  you  can  well 
imagine." 

"  Young  men  change  their  ideals;"  and  she  laughed. 

"  Well,  I  could  never  love  him ;  and  there  you  have  all 
the  truth." 

"  How  odd  you  are ! "  was  her  simple  reply. 

Another  baby  had  been  added  to  the  household,  and 
two  of  Anne's  sisters  were  married.     They  were  still  pros- 
perous and  happy.     She  made  me  describe  Walter  again 
and  again,  and  was  delighted  with  his  prospects. 
20 


30G  SYDNIE   ADMANCE,   OH 

After  all  it  was  nearly  Christmas  before  we  became  set- 
tled. I  had  two  elegant  rooms,  and  was  left  at  liberty  to 
do  quite  as  I  liked.  Mrs.  Dorrance  was  generally  busy 
with  her  children  during  the  morning,  and  I  read  or  wrote 
as  the  whim  dictated ;  and  after  lunch  we  drove  out,  did 
shopping,  and  made  a  few  calls,  or  staid  at  home  to  re- 
ceive them.  Gerald  was  in  nearly  every  evening. 

I  ought  to  have  been  entirely  satisfied  with  this  life.  I 
was  an  heiress  again,  with  an  assured  position.  I  had, 
moreover,  established  my  claim  to  the  world's  favor,  and 
needed  not  to  seek,  but  was  sought.  I  could  have  reen- 
tered  society  immediately ;  indeed,  Mrs.  Dorrance  wished 
to  afford  me  every  advantage  in  her  power,  though  since 
her  husband's  death  she  had  lived  in  a  very  retired  manner. 

I  had  also  resinned  my  friendship  with  the  Westervelts. 
Philip  and  Ellen  were  little  changed,  except  the  peculiar 
change  that  occurs  to  most  married  people  whose  hearts 
are  strongly  centred  in  their  homes.  Two  children  had 
been  born  to  them  ;  and  Ellen  seemed  to  have  small  inter- 
est beyond  her  domestic  cares  and  pleasures.  I  do  not 
mean  that  she  had  grown  narrow  or  indifferent  to  the  wel- 
fare of  others ;  she  was  too  thoroughly  noble  for  that;  and 
yet  some  way  we  seemed  to  have  drifted  apart.  Was  I 
growing  cold  and  self-absorbed,  I  asked  myself. 

But  one  day  an  incident  brought  me  quite  back  to  the 
old  life.  The  servant  announced  that  a  lady  wished  to  see 
me  in  the  drawing-room,  and  gave  me  a  card.  To  my 
surprise  I  read  the  name  of  Mrs.  Varick. 

I  went  down  immediately,  and  had  scarcely  entered 
the  door  when  Laura's  light  laugh  greeted  me.  She  was 
thinner  than  in  her  girlhood's  days,  and  with  a  certain 
fashionable  affectation. 

"My  dear  creature,"  she  exclaimed,  "  I  have  been  dying 
to  see  you  for  the  last  three  months,  and  martyred  myself 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  307 

by  attending  literary  parties  that  were  perfect  bores,  just 
in  the  hope  of  meeting  you.  At  last  I've  had  the  courage 
to  come." 

"Then  you  have  not  forgotten  me?"  I  said,  amused. 

"It  always  was  my  style  to  pay  court  to  rising  stars,  you 
remember.  I  am  as  honest  as  ever;  and  you  know  that 
I  liked  you,  odd  as  you  were.  Why,  you've  hardly 
changed  a  bit.  I've  faded  frightfully ;  but  it  is  rather  a 
comfort  to  Mr.  Varick  to  have  me  grow  old.  And  so 
you're  famous,  and  have  another  fortune,  and  are  to  marry 
very  nicely,  after  all.  I've  heard  quite  a  romance  about 
you." 

"The  marrying  is  pure  romance,"  I  said. 

"Nonsense;  don't  be  modest.  There  are  numbers  of 
aspiring  belles  who  would  take  Gerald  Clifford,  and  say 
thank  you  in  their  secret  hearts,  though  it  might  not  be 
proper  to  express  gratitude  aloud.  I  fancied  that  was  the 
reason  you  secluded  yourself,  in  order  to  have  time  to  at- 
tend to  bride  clothes." 

"  There  is  no  truth  in  your  surmise,  and  it  offends  me," 
I  said,  shortly. 

"My  dear,  you  haven't  improved  in  temper,  and  the 
story  came  to  me  in  that  fashion ;  so  I'm  not  to  blame." 

Her  face  was  so  altogether  good-natured  that  I  smiled, 
and  then  we  both  laughed  outright.  She  reached  over  and 
clasped  my  hand. 

"  Dear  old  Sydnie,"  she  said,  "  I'm  not  sure  but  you're 
the  one  true  thing  in  this  world  of  shams;  but  you  are  a 
mystery  to  me.  Have  you  actually  foresworn  matrimony? 
Do  you  take  your  tea  clear,  and  keep  a  discreet  tabby? 
If  you  knew  how  I  had  longed  to  see  you,  you  would  cer- 
tainly be  real  gracious.  Don't  you  care  a  bit  for  me?" 

There  was  something  irresistible  in  this  last  sentence. 
I  believe  she  really  had  a  true  regard  for  me. 


308  SYDNIE    ADRIANCE,    OK 

"  Come,"  she  went  on  presently,  "  tell  me  all  about  your- 
self. I  heard  you  had  lost  your  fortune,  and  gone  off  to 
teach.  I  never  could  understand  why  you  didn't  marry 
Mr.  St.  John.  And  I  never  suspected  your  being  a  genius 
at  all ;  but  I  suppose  that  accounts  for  your  dissimilarity 
to  common  mortals.  I  was  so  glad  when  I  heard  you  were 
a  rich  woman  once  more.  I  want  you  to  believe  this." 

I  could  not  doubt  the  sincerity  of  her  tone.  We  talked 
for  a  long  while,  and  I  went  briefly  over  some  of  the  most 
important  events  that  had  occurred  since  our  separation. 
To  her  the  world  had  been  all  smiles. 

"We  have  one  little  boy  to  heir  the  estate,"  she  went 
on,  with  a  gay  laugh,  "and  I  confess  I've  had  a  most  de- 
lightful time  thus  far.  The  longer  I  live,  the  more  I  see  the 
propriety  of  people  being  perfectly  suited,  and  I  have  the 
very  things  I  enjoy  so  much.  To  have  dropped  into  almost 
any  other  groove  would  have  made  me  miserable,  bad  tem- 
pered, jealous,  and  all  that.  My  graces  thrive  best  in 
prosperity.  But,  my  dear,  I  have  gossiped  unconscionably. 
And  now  I  want  to  ask  a  favor.  Don't  deny  me." 

"That  depends— " 

"It's  to  come  to  a  quiet  little  dinner-party.  I  know 
half  a  dozen  very  admirable  people  who  are  dying  to  meet 
you ;  and  I  don't  see  the  slightest  necessity  for  your  mak- 
ing a  hermit  of  yourself.  Why,  you're  quite  a  young 
woman  yet ;  it  is  not  worth  while  to  fall  into  the  ranks  of 
the  grandmothers." 

"I  am  still  in  mourning,"!  said,  "which  isn't  party-like." 

"I'll  promise  to  have  all  things  appropriate.  I  cannot 
possibly  give  you  up." 

She  actually  persuaded  me  at  last  to  appoint  an  evening 
that  would  suit  my  pleasure. 

"And  I'll  ask  Mr.  Clifford,  so  that  you  shall  have  an 
attendant  of  your  own.  If  you  will  come  to  call  on  me 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  309 

to-morrow,  I'll  send  ths  carriage  for  you.  I  want  you  to 
see  ray  house;  and  we  haven't  but  just  looked  at  each 
other.  Come  to  lunch.  My  dear,  there  isn't  the  slightest 
use  of  trying  to  resist  me." 

I  confess  some  indefinable  charm  surrounded  Laura  —  a 
power  that  enabled  her  to  sway  others  in  a  singular  man- 
ner. I  yielded  to  the  influence. 

I  went  to  lunch,  and  really  had  a  delightful  time. 
Laura's  house  was  elegance  itself.  She  has  much  shrewd, 
good  taste,  that  stands  her  instead  of  the  higher  artistic 
quality.  Her  pictures  were  valuable  and  well  chosen,  her 
statuary  rarely  beautiful,  and  the  rooms  had  the  sumptu- 
ous air  of  a  palace.  She  queens  it  royally.  After  all,  she 
is  in  the  right  place,  and  has  proved  the  best  judge  of  her 
own  capabilities.  Mr.  Varick  looks  ten  years  younger 
than  when  we  first  saw  him  at  Newport.  His  little  son  is 
a  perfect  idol,  a  fine,  healthy  child. 

Laura  made  her  arrangements  for  the  dinner  with  great 
delight.  She  mentioned  several  persons  whom  I  knew  it 
would  be  a  pleasure  to  meet.  Artists,  writers,  and  men  in 
high  positions  —  every  desirable  man  or  woman  appeared 
within  her  reach.  I  began  to  kindle  with  interest. 

"What  a  handsome  woman  you  are!"  she  exclaimed, 
with  sudden  vehemence.  "If  I  were  you,  I  would  have 
half  the  world  at  my  feet." 

I  smiled  a  little.     The  admiration  was  certainly  honest. 

Mrs.  Dorrance  and  Gerald  were  gratified  that  I  had  ac- 
cepted the  invitation.  But  afterwards  he  lapsed  into  a 
reverie  quite  unusual  for  him. 

"  Are  you  tired  ?  "  I  asked  presently. 

"No.  Am  I  stupid,  and  is  that  a  hint  for  me  to  go 
home?" 

"Why,  no,"  I  said,  in  surprise. 

He  took  several  turns  up  and  down  the  room,  then  he 
came  and  glanced  into  my  face. 


310  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  Sydnie,  do  you  believe  in  love  «t  all  ?  " 

"What  a  question  I"  and  I  started,  coloring  violently. 
Were  the  surmises  of  others  correct,  and  had  I  alone  been 
blind  ? 

"  Yes,  it  is  odd,  but  don't  we  talk  of  everything  ?  Some- 
times I  am  afraid  I  bore  you.  I  never  had  Bertha  for  a 
confidant;  she  was  married  when  I  was  so  young,  and 
Alice  went  away  just  as  she  was  growing  companionable. 
But  there's  some  peculiar  quality  in  you  that  wins  a  person 
to  talk  of  himself.  You  always  seem  to  understand  at  a 
word." 

"  So  you  want  me  to  commence  a  dissertation  upon  love 
— do  you?"  I  asked,  gayly. 

"No;  only  I  was  wondering  if  you  had  ever  felt  that 
which  you  describe  so  perfectly,  so  pathetically.  It  always 
seems  such  a  strange,  awesome  thing  to  me,  for  there  is  a 
great  deal  of  unhappy  love  in  the  world,  and  who  can  tell 
whether  he  is  one  of  the  few  elect  who  are  to  be  blessed  ?" 

"This  is  a  new  mood  for  you,"  I  said, bringing  him  back 
to  commonplace. 

"  Yes,"  with  a  nervous  laugh.  "  But  I'll  say  good  night 
before  I  mystify  you  with  my  vagaries." 

He  kissed  me  as  he  went.  It  was  a  kind  of  family 
familiarity,  but  I  did  not  observe  that  it  meant  any  more 
on  this  night  than  it  had  for  the  past  ten  months.  Still  I 
was  filled  with  a  vague  fear.  Gerald  had  a  tender,  manly 
heart,  capable  of  great  happiness  and  much  suffering,  and  I 
wanted  the  former,  not  the  latter,  to  be  his  portion. 

I  did  not  see  him  again  until  the  day  before  the  dinner, 
when  he  was  very  urgent  that  nothing  should  keep  me 
at  home. 

"You  may  be  sure  that  I  shall  not  disappoint  Mrs. 
Varick,  when  she  has  asked  her  guests  expressly  on  my 
account,"  I  said. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  311 

I  received  a  little  note  from  her  also,  in  which  she 
begged  me  not  to  fail  her,  as  she  had  a  surprise  in  store 
for  me. 

So  altogether  I  was  rather  curious.  I  arranged  my  hair 
and  dress  in  a  state  of  mind  quite  new  to  me.  Not  exactly 
expectancy,  or  fear,  or  distrust,  but  as  if  I  were  coming  to 
some  event  that  would  change  the  current  of  my  life  again. 
My  black  silk  dress  did  not  admit  of  much  ornamentation, 
but  it  was  rich  and  heavy.  How  I  recalled  the  old  times, 
so  long  ago  it  seemed  ! 

At  last  we  started.  Gerald  was  one  of  those  tender, 
gentlemanly  men  about  whose  attentions  cling  an  exquisite' 
grace.  Birth  and  breeding  had  both  been  his. 

I  was  not  dazzled  or  overcome  by  the  company  as- 
sembled. After  the  introductions,  I  felt  myself  quite  at 
ease.  We  waited  in  the  drawing-room  for  a  few  strag- 
glers. Presently  there  was  a  stir.  Gerald  turned,  and  a 
sudden  flush  of  color  overspread  his  face.  Two  fairies,  I 
should  have  said  at  the  first  glance,  and  then  one  wore  a 
strangely  familiar  smile. 

"  My  dear  Miss  Adriance  ! " 

Mrs.  Lawrence,  as  perfect  in  her  grace  and  beauty  as 
when  I  left  Laurelwood,  nearly  five  years  before.  The 
room  swam  before  my  eyes  for  a  moment. 

"  I  came  expressly  to  meet  you,"  she  said,  scarcely  above 
a  whisper,  in  her  silvery  voice.  "You  can  never  imagine 
how  I  have  wanted  to  see  you." 

I  could  not  doubt  her  sincerity,  and  felt  convicted  of 
something  like  ingratitude.  Or  was  it  that  my  new  posi- 
tion won  her  favor  as  well  ? 

"  My  niece,  Miss  Carme,"  she  said,  a  moment  after, 
making  way  for  the  tiny  sprite  beside  her. 

A  lovely,  shy  girl,  with  great  soft  eyes  like  a  gazelle's. 
A  vision  that  one  rarely  beholds  embodied  in  human  form. 


312  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

For  it  was  not  merely  beauty  of  feature,  but  form  and 
coloring  and  perfect  grace.  I  almost  held  my  breath. 

"  So  Mr.  St.  John  has  not  arrived  ?  "  Mrs.  Varick  said. 

I  had  hardly  thought  of  him  in  my  bewilderment. 

"  No,"  in  her  sweet,  gracious  way,  that  I  remembered  so 
well.  "  It  is  barely  possible  that  he  may  reach  the  city 
this  evening.  I  left  a  note  for  him." 

Was  I  pleased  or  not  ?  I  tried  to  decide  as  I  sat  listen- 
ing to  the  talking,  using  the  strongest  exertion  not  to 
answer  at  random.  -  Everything  about  me  appeared  unreal ; 
at  times  the  blaze  of  light  grew  faint,  and  the  voices  sounded 
a  long  way  off.  Why,  what  a  weak,  silly  woman  I  was  • 
What  if  he  did  come  ! 

I  did  not  want  to  see  him.  Every  nerve  quivered  at  the 
thought  of  the  interview.  How  could  I  endure  it ! 

Yet  Mrs.  Varick's  dinner-party  was  a  success.  Under 
other  circumstances  I  should  have  enjoyed  it  wonderfully. 
I  could  not  help  being  pleased  as  it  was.  To  be  appre- 
ciated in  such  a  genial,  delicate  fashion,  to  know  that  I 
could  still  attract  and  interest,  was  indeed  gratifying.  And 
there  was  just  the  company  to  be  mutually  entertaining. 
Art  and  literature  were  discussed  without  pedantry.  Most 
of  those  assembled  had  travelled,  and  visited  the  rich  gal- 
leries of  the  old  world.  In  spite  of  the  dull  pain  at  my 
heart,  my  spirits  rose.  I  knew  that  my  cheeks  warmed 
and  my  eyes  grew  luminous. 

Some  time  after  we  had  returned  to  the  drawing-room, 
Mrs.  Lawrence  and  I  floated  together  again.  She  was  all 
ease  and  grace,  as  usual. 

"  How  very  little  you  have  changed ! "  she  said.  "  I  have 
so  often  wondered  if  I  should  ever  see  you  again,  and  I  feel 
now  as  if  I  could  scold  you  heartily  for  keeping  away  from 
Laurelwood.  Do  you  not  know  that  we  should  have  been 
most  glad  to  see  you  ?  " 


TRYING}  THE  WORLD.  313 

She  might,  but  Mr.  St.  John  ? 

"  Stuart  will  be  so  surprised  !  We  came  to  New  York 
without  him,  AS  he  had  some  pressing  business  on  hand. 
Elsie  is  so  extravagantly  fond  of  operas,  and  he  didn't 
want  her  to  miss  one  of  the  season." 

"  Your  niece  ?  "  I  said,  inquiringly. 

"Yes.  Mr.  Lawrence's  sister  married  a  Spaniard,  you 
know.  Elsie  was  her  only  child,  and  after  her  death,  Mr. 
Carme  married  a  second  time.  Stuart  grew  wonderfully 
interested  in  this  child  when  he  was  in  Cuba,  and  upon  a 
second  visit,  some  eighteen  months  ago,  brought  her  home. 
She  is  the  most  charming  little  being  you  can  imagine. 
I  love  her  as  if  she  were  my  own." 

A  sharp  pang  went  to  my  heart.  After  all,  why  should 
it  matter  to  me  what  course  Mr.  St.  John's  interest  took? 
And  yet  all  the  old  days  rushed  back,  times  when  his 
approval  and  smile  had  been  so  much  to  me. 

She  chatted  on.  I  had  become  a  successful  authoress, 
which  did  not  at  all  surprise  her ;  she  had  always  fancied 
me  peculiar.  And  I  had  really  found  some  relatives  — 
Mrs.  Varick  had  been  relating  the  singular  circumstances. 
Some  friends  of  Laura's  were  boarding  at  the  same  hotel 
with  them,  and  the  meeting  of  a  few  days  before  had  been 
purely  accidental.  Mrs.  Lawrence  had  asked  if  there  were 
any  tidings  of  me,  and  Laura  had  mentioned  the  fact  of 
her  call,  and  the  intended  dinner-party. 

I  felt  easier  when  I  heard  this,  though  I  found  it  would 
be  impossible  to  avoid  them  now.  I  must  summon  all 
my  courage.  And  I  confess  that  after  I  had  talked  with 
Miss  Carme,  a  strange  desire  took  possession  of  me  to 
know  more  of  her.  How  extraordinarily  lovely  and  fasci- 
nating she  was!  Gerald  was  as  deeply  interested  in  her  as 
I ;  his  face  beamed  with  intense  satisfaction. 

The   evening  passed  rapidly  and   pleasantly.    Mr.  St. 


314  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

John's  arrival  had  been  given  up  by  his  sister,  and  my 
nervous  apprehension  was  over.  In  a  room  at  the  end  of 
the  hall  some  of  the  younger  members  of  the  party  had 
been  waltzing.  I  watched  Gerald  and  Miss  Carme  until 
my  brain  was  in  a  maze.  Indeed  they  attracted  nearly 
every  one's  attention  by  the  bewildering  grace  of  their 
movements.  Was  Gerald  absolutely  fascinated  ?  I  had 
never  seen  such  a  light  in  his  eyes. 

Some  impulse  drew  me  away.  It  was  too  fateful  to 
linger  over.  I  turned  and  walked  through  the  cool  hall, 
and  had  just  reached  the  staircase,  when  I  paused,  spell- 
bound. Mr.  St.  John  stood  before  me  I 

"Does  the  feud  last  a  lifetime?"  he  said,  with  his 
peculiar  smile.  "Have  I  offended  you  so  deeply  that  you 
•will  not  even  speak  or  shake  hands?" 

I  reached  mine  towards  him ;  but  it  was  cold  and 
trembling. 

"  I  confess  this  meeting  is  altogether  unexpected,"  he 
continued,  with  a  touch  of  embarrassment.  "You  have 
seen  my  sister?" 

She  came  at  that  moment,  and  then  the  hall  seemed 
suddenly  to  fill.  Mrs.  Varick  pressed  forward,  and  there 
was  a  sound  of  welcome.  I  mingled  with  the  throng ; 
but  I  heard  no  voice  save  his.  He  was  explaining  the 
detention  of  a  train ;  then  he  and  Mrs.  Varick  had  a  little 
badinage. 

«Here  is  an  old  friend  by  a  new  name,"  she  said,  as  soon 
as  she  reached  my  vicinity.  "Miss  Clifford." 

He  looked  sharply  at  me.  "  I  don't  know  that  I  ever 
remember  a  name  changed  in  that  manner,"  he  said, 
pointedly. 

"  Changed  for  a  fortune  instead  of  love,"  Mrs.  Varick 
answered,  gayly. 

Had  he  heard  the  absurd  rurnor,  too  ?     "Well,  he  would 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  315 

soon  know,  for  I  had  told  Mrs.  Lawrence  the  particulars 
of  the  strange  story. 

"O,  you  have  come?"  Miss  Carme  exclaimed,  her  eyes 
absolutely  bewildering  in  their  radiant  light,  and  her  face 
flushed  with  warmth  and  excitement. 

"  Yes,  at  the  eleventh  hour.  Have  you  enjoyed  your- 
self?" 

"  O,  so  much !  And  I've  been  waltzing  while  the  rest 
talked." 

Such  a  light,  musical  laugh!  I  thought  I  had  never 
heard  anything  so  tenderly  beguiling  in  all  my  life. 

He  gave  her  a  fond  glance,  so  quick  that  none  besides 
us  saw  it.  But  her  eyes  replied,  and  perhaps  my  heart. 

I  looked  around  for  'Gerald,  and  proposed  returning 
home.  I  fancied  he  would  rather  have  staid,  but  he 
assented.  Then  I  was  besieged  for  calls  and  promises  of 
various  kinds ;  and  the  regrets  expressed  were  extremely 
flattering,  to  say  the  least. 

I  remember  finding  my  way  up  the  stairs  to  the  dress- 
ing-room in  a  strange,  absent  manner,  as  if  my  soul  had 
gone  out  of  me.  Then  adieus  were  said,  and  Gerald 
handed  me  into  the  carriage.  We  scarcely  spoke  during 
our  homeward  drive;  and  if  I  had  not  been  so  absorbed 
in  my  own  reflections,  I  must  have  noticed  his  reticence. 

At  last  I  laid  my  throbbing  head  on  my  pillow.  All 
my  hardest  lessons  to  learn  over  again.  O  God,  would  I, 
could  I,  ever  forget  ? 


316  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OB 


CHAPTER  xxiv. 

"  Therefore  disturbing  dreams 

Trouble  the  secret  streams 
And  founts  of  music  that  o'erflow  my  breast; 

Something  far  more  divine, 

Than  may  on  enrlh  be  mine, 
Haunts  my  worn  heart,  und  will  not  let  me  rest." 

AFTER  that  night  I  was  in  a  whirl  of  society.  I  had 
preserved  a  tolerable  seclusion  before ;  but  now  I  found 
myself  invaded  at  every  point.  It  was  gratifying  to  be 
thus  sought  by  people  whose  regard  was  worth  cultivat- 
ing ;  indeed,  whose  attention  was  the  finest  compliment 
that  could  be  paid  me.  And  some  way  I  took  up  my  old 
friendship  with  Mrs.  Lawrence.  Her  charming  niece  was 
a  perfect  marvel  to  me. 

Between  her  and  Mr.  St.  John  there  existed  a  very 
peculiar  attachment.  She  was  frank  and  guileless  as  a 
child,  with  a  nature  as  sweet  as  an  opening  rose.  She 
always  reminded  me  of  flowers.  He  was  to  her  the  very 
prince  of  men,  and  she  offered  him  an  unconscious  adora- 
tion with  every  look.  In  time  it  might  come  to  mean 
love;  but  at  present  her  heart  was  like  an  untroubled  sea. 
She  took  a  strange  fancy  to  me,  that  I  did  not  at  all  un- 
derstand at  first.  Gerald  thought  her  quite  beyond  ordi- 
nary creations.  Mrs.  Lawrence  was  delighted  with  the 
attention  she  attracted. 

I  began  to  fancy,  after  a  little,  that  Mr.  St.  John 
shunned  me  in  some  inexplicable  manner.  He  called 
occasionally  with  his  sister,  but  never  alone.  When  we 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  817 

met  elsewhere,  although  he  paid  me  a  courtly  deference, 
we  seemed  leagues  and  leagues  apart.  He  had  forgotten 
those  old  passages  then?  It  was  my  soiest  punishment 
that  I  should  still  remember. 

My  fear  concerning  Gerald  proved  incorrect.  It  soon 
became  understood  that  we  were  not  to  be  married,  to  my 
great  relief,  though  Mrs.  Lawrence  insinuated  that  I  was 
about  to  miss  another  very  good  opportunity.  She  ad- 
mired the  young  man  exceedingly;  and  he  was  a  most 
devoted  cavalier  to  the  two  ladies.  One  evening  I  rallied 
him  a  trifle  upon  it. 

A  strange,  sweet  seriousness  overspread  his  face. 

"  Shall  I  come  to  confession  ?"  he  asked,  in  a  low  voice. 
"My  dear  friend,  have  I  kept  my  secret  so  well?  " 

"  You  love  Miss  Carme ! "  I  exclaimed,  startled  by  the 
sudden  fact. 

"I  love  her  —  my  sweet,  darling  Elsie!  Sydnie,  I  seem 
in  a  new  world.  From  the  first  hour  I  saw  her  face  my 
heart  has  been  hers." 

"  The  evening  at  Mrs.  Varick's  ?" 

"  No,  before  that.  Do  you  remember  an  evening,  more 
than  a  month  ago,  that  we  just  mentioned  the  subject  of 
love,  and  I  asked  you  how  much  you  believed  of  its  won- 
drous power?  A  few  hours  previous,  while  sauntering 
through  the  Academy,  I  came  upon  those  two  women  —r 
mother  and  daughter  I  thought  them  then.  I  hear.d  the 
soft,  beguiling  tones  of  her  voice,  and  her  sweet  laugh,  so 
like  a  fairy  echo.  The  loveliest  picture  there  was  that 
young  girl.  I  sat  entranced.  It  seemed  as  if  my  very 
soul  went  out  of  me ;  and  when  they  were  gone,  I  wan- 
dered about  like  one  blind.  Then  I  s:iid,  'I  will  haunt 
every  place  until  I  see  her  again,  and  I  shall  never  rest  satis- 
fied until  she  is  mine.'  By  one  of  those  odd  freaks  of  fate 
I  learned  who  they  were,  and,  moreover,  that  they  would 


818  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

be  at  Mrs.  Varick's.  Do  you  wonder  that  I  was  wild 
to  go?" 

He  had  uttered  all  this  in  a  rapid  breath  ;  now  he  made 
a  long  pause.  I  understood  the  peculiar  attraction  she 
had  possessed  for  him  that  evening. 

"  You  have  not  spoken  ?  "  I  inquired,  hesitatingly. 

al  have  not  spoken.  It  has  been  so  sweet  to  linger 
upon  the  brink  of  fate;  but  I  think  she  loves  me." 

"O,  Gerald,"  I  said,  "you  have  my  most  earnest  wishes 
for  your  success." 

"They  are  going  to  Laurelwood  soon.  My  precious 
darling  —  how  can  I  endure  existence  without  her?" 

He  paced  the  room  softly.  There  was  a  sacredness  in 
the  simple  story  of  this  fervent  passion  that  awed  me. 
And  then  I  thought  how,  sooner  or  later,  love  carried  all 
souls  captive  —  those,  at  least,  who  were  not  born  blind  and 
dumb.  Yet  I  remembered  one  who  stood  alone.  Had  he 
ever  known  any  pang,  any  divine  thrill? 

Now  that  Gerald  had  opened  his  soul  there  was  no  re- 
serve. We  had  been  such  perfect  friends  that  he  was 
sure  of  not  being  misunderstood.  I  could  not  but  choose 
to  listen  to  the  sweet  confession ;  and  I  knew  no  reason 
why  I  should  not  hope  with  him. 

For  the  next  fortnight  I  saw  a  good  deal  of  Elsie.  Mr. 
St.  John  had  gone  to  Laurelwood  to  make  some  spring 
arrangements,  and  Mrs.  Lawrence  depended  upon  Gerald 
for  an  escort.  How  could  she  have  been  so  blind  ! 

I  called  one  morning  to  accompany  her  to  an  artist's 
studio,  where  she  was  having  her  portrait  painted.  Mrs. 
Lawrence  came  down  to  receive  me. 

"Elsie  is  ill,"  she  exclaimed,  with  much  concern.  "  She 
was  very  feverish  and  restless  all  night,  and  her  head 
aches  severely  this  morning.  I  wanted  to  have  a  physi- 
cian, but  she  would  not  listen  to  it,  and  declares  she  will 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  819 

be  better  presently.  I'm  so  sorry  Stuart  is  away.  If  any- 
thing should  happen  to  her  —  " 

It  was  the  first  time  I  had  ever  seen  tears  in  the  lovely 
eyes  of  Mrs.  Lawrence,  ncd  they  moved  me  indescribably. 

"  A  sudden  cold,"  I  said,  trying  to  encourage  her. 
•*  Doubtless  she  will  recover  in  a  few  days." 

"I  hope  so.  She  was  out  driving  yesterday,  and  may 
Lave  been  a  little  careless;  but  I  never  knew  her  to  act  in 
tliis  manner.  She  is  usually  so  sweet  and  gentle;  now  she 
will  not  have  the  slightest  thing  done  for  her." 

I  thought  of  Gerald's  alarm  when  he  should  hear  these 
tidings,  and  was  quite  disappointed  that  he  did  not  call 
during  the  day  or  evening, 

I  sent  to  inquire  after  Elsie  on  the  following  morning. 
She  had  improved  somewhat,  but  was  not  able  to  leave 
her  room. 

Gerald's  continued  absence  filled  me  with  a  strange 
foreboding.  Even  Mrs.  Dorrance  spoke  of  it.  I  sent  a 
note  to  learn  the  cause ;  and  to  my  satisfaction  he  answered 
in  person,  by  coming  to  lunch. 

"  Gerald,  you  have  been  ill ! "  Mrs.  Dorrance  exclaimed, 
as  he  entered  the  room, 

He  did  look  unlike  the  bright,  handsome  man  we  were 
used  to  seeing.  Yet  I  kept  silence,  for  I  knew  it  had  an- 
other than  a  physical  cause. 

"Balls,  and  parties,  and  dissipations  have  proved  too 
much  for  me,  Bertha,"  he  said,  with  an  attempt  at  gayety. 
tt  I  think  of  going  to  some  quiet  country  place  to  recruit." 

She  looked  grave,  and  presently  said,  — 

"  I  hope  your  fortune  will  not  prove  a  bane  instead  of  a 
blessing." 

"Nonsense,  Bertha!"  he  replied,  sharply. 

It  was  an  effort  to  keep  up  the  conversation.  Perhaps 
I  did  less  than  my  share,  because  I  was  so  startled  by  the 


3lO  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,    OR 

possible  realization  of  my  late  fears.  He  was  absent  and 
dispirited,  but  after  our  return  to  the  library,  proposed  a 
walk,  to  which  I  readily  assented. 

"Gerald,"  I  said,  after  we  had  gone  some  distance,  "this 
suspense  is  torture." 

"My  dear  friend,  forgive  me.  There  is  no  longer  any 
blessed  suspense  for  me,  and  I  have  grown  selfishly  ab- 
sorbed in  my  misery." 

"It  is  all  over  then?"  I  returned,  with  a  gasp,  for  I 
could  see  how  he  suffered. 

"  Hope  is  over,  if  that  is  what  you  mean  ; "  and  he  gave 
a  sickly  smile.  "  But  the  rest  can  end  only  with  life.  Syd- 
nie,  I  wonder  if  our  uncle,  in  bequeathing  his  fortune  to 
me,  unwittingly  transferred  his  own  sad  inheritance  ?  I 
have  thought  of  his  life  continually  for  the  few  past  days. 
One  blighted  blossom  in  early  youth,  and  no  golden  fruit- 
age for  the  later  years.  Is  love  fatal  to  us  Cliffords  ?  My 
parents  were  happy,  I  believe,  but  yours  soon  came  to  the 
black  shadow  of  a  cruel  fate." 

In  his  pause  I  thought  of  myself.  How  strangely  we 
were  all  linked  together  by  suffering!  Even  Bertha's 
bright  prospect  had  soon  been  overclouded  by  death. 

"  I  think  she  loves  me,"  he  began,  with  sudden  vehe- 
mence. "  She  could  not  deny  it,  though,  for  some  reason, 
she  would  not  confess.  I  believe  no  torture  could  draw  it 
from  her.  Childish,  impulsive,  and  eager  as  she  is,  there's 
something  so  grand  and  heroic  about  her  that  it  fairly 
awed  me.  She  never  thought  of  my  falling  in  love —  and  I 
know  she  was  honest  there.  It's  her  fashion  to  be  happy, 
and  to  make  others  so;  and  we  have  gone  on  for  weeks 
in  such  a  simple,  familiar  manner,  that  my  proposal  took 
her  quite  by  surprise.  I  don't  know  as  I  should  have  found 
the  courage  if  she  had  not  spoken  of  her  return  to  Laurel- 
wood." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  321 

"But  what  reason  does  she  assign?"  I  asked^  much 
amazed  at  his  words. 

"  She  declared  a  marriage  between  us  impossible,  while 
she  has  nothing  to  urge  against  me,  my  position,  or  my 
fortune.  I  can't  describe  to  you  her  manner,  but  her  an* 
guish  rose  from  some  deeper  cause  than  the  mere  idea  of 
giving  me  pain.  I  think  she  was  hurt  herself,  though  she 
would  not  own  it.  If  she  did  not  love  me,  I  would  endure 
it  all  in  silence  —  " 

"  But  I  cannot  see  any  reason  sufficiently  strong  to  sway 
her  in  opposition  to  her  own  feelings." 

"  It's  some  fancied  duty,  or  an  idea  of  right,  that  she 
dings  to  rigidly.  All  my  persuasions  could  not  move  her, 
and  she  refused  utterly  to  see  me  again.  It  was  only  mis- 
ery to  us  both,  she  said.  But  I  could  not  believe  her 
decision  final,  and  the  next  day  wrote  to  her,  entreating 
another  interview.  All  in  vain,  however.  What  can 
I  do?" 

It  was  a  case  where  I,  certainly,  was  powerless  to  advise. 
What  motive  could  urge  Elsie  to  so  mysterious  a  course? 
She  was  no  foolish  coquette,  no  finished  actress.  Indeed, 
her  perfect  simplicity  had  attracted  me  from  the  first*  I 
seemed  to  be  thrown  out  of  my  usual  course  of  reasoning 
in  every  respect,  and  felt  unable  to  counsel. 

"I  need  not  talk  much  of  my  love,"  he  went  on,  pres* 
ently.  "  You  must  know  what  it  has  been  and  what  it 
will  be  to  me;  but  to  think  of  her  as  suffering  —  drinking 
some  bitter  draught  that  should  have  missed  lips  so  sweet, 
is  intolerable.  Sycluie,  must  it  be  ?  " 

"Gerald,  Heaven  knows  that  if  I  could  be  of  any  as- 
sistance to  you,  I  would  do  anything  in  my  power  gladly. 
But  I,  too,  seem  helpless." 

"  You  can  see  her.  She  has  grown  strangely  fond  of 
you.  If  her  decision  arises  from  a  cause  where  change  is 
21 


822  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

impossible,  I  must  submit.  Women  are  better  judges  of 
each  other,  perhaps." 

"  Suppose  she  shuns  me  also?" 

"  No,  that  cannot  be.  At  least,  she  will  see  you  before 
she  leaves  the  city." 

"  I  will  do  what  I  can,"  I  said,  moved  by  strong  sym- 
pathy. • 

My  promise  was  put  to  the  test  before  the  day  ended. 
An  hour  after  my  return  home  Miss  Carme's  card  was  sent 
up  to  me,  with  these  words,  written  in  pencil:  "May  I 
come  to  your  room  ?  I  wish  to  see  you  alone." 

I  waited  in  the  hall  for  the  lithe  little  figure  to  flutter 
over  the  stairs  with  its  dainty  grace.  Not  so  bright  and 
vivacious  as  usual,  and  the  glad  ring  had  slipped  from  her 
voice ;  but  she  kissed  me  with  a  kind  of  convulsive  pas- 
sion. 

"  I  am  glad  to  find  you  thus  far  recovered,"  I  said,  cheer- 
fully. "  Are  you  quite  well  ?  " 

"  It  was  only  a  severe  headache,  and  being  tired  out. 
Auntie  was  so  distressed  —  not  but  that  it  was  very  kind 
of  her.  I  only  wanted  a  little  rest  and  quiet." 

"Will  you  take  off  your  cloak  and  hat?"  I  asked,  as 
she  stood  undecided  ;  and  then  I  assisted  her. 

There  was  an  air  of  weariness  and  pain  in  every  feature, 
yet  she  strove  to  make  herself  appear  natural. 

"  I  wish  you'd  take  me  in  your  lap,"  she  said,  with  child- 
ish pleading  in  her  voice.  "  I  don't  know  why,  but  you 
always  make  me  think  of  those  calm,  sweet  Sisters  of 
Charity,  who,  having  overlived  their  own  sorrows,  can  be 
patient  and  tender  with  others." 

1  smiled  a  little  at  this  as  I  took  her  in  my  arms.  The 
fair  head,  with  its  silken  tresses,  was  pillowed  upon  my 
shoulder. 

"  What  is  the  matter  ?  "  I  asked,  softly. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  323 

"That  I  should  be  such  a  baby?  I  feel  just  like  being 
petted  and  soothed.  I'm  worn  and  weary,  as  if  I  were 
trenching  upon  the  threescore." 

"Are  gayeties  less  pleasant  without  Mr.  St.  John?"  I 
said,  obeying  an  impulse  that  I  could  not  account  for  the 
next  instant. 

A  shiver  seemed  to  run  through  the  delicate  form. 

"  I  wish  we  had  gone  with  him,"  she  exclaimed,  vehe- 
mently. Then  in  a  slow,  hesitating  manner,  "Miss  Clif- 
ford, have  you  seen  your  cousin  recently?" 

"  Gerald,  do  you  mean  ?  He  was  here  to-day,  and  took 
lunch  with  us." 

She  started  up  at  this,  her  face  flushing  and  paling  al- 
ternately. Then  the  hands  clasped  together  with  a  pa- 
thetic gesture,  and  the  eyes  were  turned  away  from  me. 

"  I  want  to  talk  to  you  a  little  about  him."  She  uttered 
the  words  with  great  difficulty,  and  made  a  long  pause. 
"  Did  he  tell  you,  or  had  you  fancied  that  —  he  cared  for 
me?" 

She  buried  her  face  in  her  hands  at  this,  and  something 
like  a  hard,  dry  sob  pulsated  through  her  frame. 

"  I  know  all,"  I  said,  at  a  venture. 

"  O,  Miss  Clifford,  don't  hate  me  for  making  him  un- 
happy. A  fatal  blindness  must  have  led  me  on.  Some- 
how I  can't  think  of  lovers,  and  whether  any  one  is  likely 
to  care  for  me ;  and  he  seemed  so  like  a  brother!  " 

"  Why  couldn't  you  love  him,  Elsie  ? "  I  said,  boldly, 
going  to  the  root  of  the  matter  at  once. 

"Because  I  —  Miss  Clifford,  I  am  engaged.  I  couldn't 
tell  him  the  truth,  but  I  want  you  to  know  it.  And  if  I 
had  suspected  how  it  would  be,  I  should  not  have  received 
your  cousin  in  the  manner  I  did.  But  Mr.  St.  John  liked 
him',  and  so  was  willing  —  " 

Was  she  one  of  those  specious  women  who  crave  admi- 


324  SYDNIB  ADRIANCE,   OB 

ration,  and  delude  themselves  with  the  idea  that  they 
are  not  really  giving  encouragement,  while  they  accept 
the  most  pointed  attentions,  simply  because  they  do  not 
love? 

"I  think  the  fact  might  have  been  mentioned  earlier. 
It  would  have  saved  one  tender  and  loyal  heart  from  great 
suffering." 

"  Don't  be  angry ;  and  yet  I  suppose  it  is  all  right.  I 
ought  to  have  known.  You  cannot  help  despising  me. 
It  wasn't  altogether  my  fault.  Mr.  St.  John  preferred  not 
to  have  the  engagement  mentioned  —  " 

A  sudden  sharp  suspicion  caught  me. 

"To  whom  are  you  engaged,  Elsie?"  I  asked. 

"  Why,  to  him." 

"Mr.  St.  John  !  "     I  drew  a  long,  quivering  breath. 

"Yos.  He  is  so  good  and  tender,  so  generous.  Not 
that  Gerald  lacks  anything," — -and  I  thought  she  gave 
the  name  a  peculiar  intonation, — '"but  I  had  promised 
before.  I  did  love  him  ;  I  do  love  him  now  ;  and  to  make 
him  happy  I  would  give  my  whole  life.  For  though  he 
has  always  been  prosperous,* and  the  world  might  think 
there  was  nothing  for  him  to  wish,  he  has  never  reached 
the  heights  on  which  some  men  stand.  He  seemed  to 
have  missed  the  one  thing  that  brings  highest  joy,  or  had, 
until  —  " 

"Elsie,  do  you  mind  telling  me  how  it  occurred?  —  your 
engagement,  I  mean." 

For  I  was  absolutely  bewildered.  Stuart  St.  John  in 
love  with  this  child  1 

"  He  and  auntie  came  for  me,  you  know.  There  had 
been  some  correspondence  about  it,  and  papa  was  quite 
willing  to  give  me  up.  Though  my  step-mother  never 
treated  me  ill,  she  loved  her  own  children  much  better, 
and  when  aunt  Isabelle  proposed  that  I  should  come 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  325 

north,  and  finish  my  education,  and  remain  with  them  if 
I  liked,  mother  urged  me  to  accept.  I  had  seen  Mr.  St. 
John  once  when  I  was  a  little  girl,  and  liked  him  so  much  I 
Well,  they  came  to  Cuba,  and  brought  me  home  with  them 
to  Laurel  wood.  It's  such  a,  lovely  place  —  isn't  it?  That 
was  nearly  eighteen  mouths  ago.  At  first,  for  a  while,  I 
had  a  governess;  but  Mr.  St.  John  taught  rne  my  music. 
I  used  to  sit  for  hours  and  hear  him  play;  I  had  never  lis- 
tened to  anything  so  beautiful.  Last  spring  and  summer 
he  grew  so  sad  that  it  pained  me,  and  I  wanted  to  com- 
fort him.  Just  the  tender  melancholy  that  appeals  strongly 
to  one ;  so  I  would  bring  my  books  and  read  to  him,  or 
sing.  We  used  to  have  such  long,  strange  talks !  and  I 
knew  then  that  he  wasn't  happy  or  satisfied  with  whst  life 
had  brought  him.  At  last  —  I  don't  remember  how  we 
came  to  say  it,  but  —  he  was  glad  to  be  loved,  and  I  was  glad 
to  loye.  I  sometimes  wonder  that  he  should  have  chosen 
me,  he  is  so  grand,  so  above  me  in  everything.  But  he 
doesn't  love  me  to  be  grave,  or  make  myself  old.  I've 
been  very  happy." 

Her  eyes  wandered  dreamily  to  the  farther  side  of  the 
room  as  she  said  this,  and  for  a  moment  there  was  silence, 
as  the  slow  cadence  of  her  voice  died  away. 

M  He  thought  I  was  too  young  to  be  married.  Just  be- 
fore Christinas  we  all  went  to  Washington,  and  spent  two 
delightful  months  there.  Then  we  came  to  New  York. 
He  told  auntie  it  was  best  not  to  speak  of  the  engagement 
at  all.  I  believe  she  thinks  it  rather  foolish,  and  fancies 
that  I  shall  tire  of  it." 

"And  then  you  met  my  cousin?" 

"Yes:  that  nio;ht  at  Mrs.  Varick's.     I'm  so  fond  of  dan- 

*  O 

cing,  you  know,  and  Mr.  St.  John  insists  that  I  shall  have 
every  pleasure.  He  is  royally  indulgent;  but  I  mean  to 
give  most  of  them  up  when  I  am  married,  and  devote  my- 


326  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OH 

self  exclusively  to  him.  I  couldn't  help  liking  Gerald. 
He's  so  fresh  and  winsome,  and  enjoys  everything  with  such 
a  peculiar  zest.  But  I  never  thought  —  O,  Miss  Clifford, 
do  believe  that  I  did  not  purposely  mislead  him.  And 
after  a  while  tell  him  how  it  was,  and  try  to  make  him 
find  some  happiness  elsewhere." 

"  And  you  couldn't  love  him  ?  " 

Her  lips  quivered  like  a  child's,  and  the  tears  just  filled 
her  soft  eyes  without  overflowing. 

"  I  had  no  right  even  to  try.  As  soon  as  he  spoke  I 
knew  how  wrong  it  was.  Perhaps  I  was  cruel  not  to  lis- 
ten ;  but,  O !  every  word  smote  my  own  heart  so  bitterly ! 
All  that  first  night  I  almost  wished  I  had  died  before  1 
had  caused  him  such  pain.  You'll  tell  him  how  sorry  I 
was." 

"But  Mr.  St.  John  might  release  you." 

"No;  I  shall  never  so  wound  him.  It's  a  fancy  of  mine 
that  somewhere  along  life  he  has  received  a  keen,  cruel 
wrench,  and  though  he  doesn't  show  the  scar,  it  bleeds 
inwardly.  Shall  I  tear  it  open  afresh  ?  " 

She  was  sobbing  in  my  arms.  What  a  strange  story ! 
The  incongruity  of  this  marriage  struck  hard  against  a 
certain  sense  of  mine,  and  I  felt  as  if  it  should  not  be. 
But  was  it  my  place  to  interfere  ?  If  Mr.  St.  John  loved 
her,  would  he  not  really  hate  me  for  my  officiousness? 
And  then  the  hot  blood  rushed  to  my  brow.  No;  my 
lips  must  be  silent,  even  if  they  all  rushed  to  positive 
misery. 

"My  darling!"  I  said,  trying  to  comfort  her  with 
kisses. 

"  O,  Miss  Clifford,  I've  been  so  wretched !  but  I  know 
t  am  right.  When  we  get  to  Laurelwood,  I  shall  feel 
jalm  and  strong  again.  I  can't  pain  him,  and  blight  his 
ttfe.  Gerald  is  so  much  younger,  he  may  learn  to  forget 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  327 

rne.  Only  if  he  will  not  think  me  deceitfully  wicked. 
Don't  let  him  do  that." 

"I  will  tell  him  the  simple  truth,"  I  said,  moved  by  the 
infinite  pathos  of  her  voice. 

"And  you  think  I  am  right?" 

I  would  make  one  effort. 

"  Elsie,"  I  said,  tenderly,  "  it  would  be  better  to  let  Mr. 
St.  John  be  the  judge." 

"  No,  no,"  and  she  shivered.  "  He  is  quite  generous 
enough  to  yield  his  chance  for  happiness  to  another." 

"  Are  you  sure  that  you  can  make  him  happy  ?  " 

"  Quite  sure." 

"But  will  you  attain  to  the  highest  happiness  your- 
self?" 

"I  shall  do  right,"  she  said,  bravely.  "And  now,  dear 
Miss  Clifford,  forgive  all  the  trouble  I  have  caused  you 
and  yours.  In  a  few  days  we  shall  leave  the  city." 

"  Let  fate  work  out  the  problem,"  I  said,  fiercely,  to  my- 
self. If  God  meant  that  this  should  be,  I  was  powerless 
to  turn  the  course  of  events.  I  could  see  where  Elsie's 
sense  of  gratitude,  justice,  and  pity  were  leading  her 
astray.  Yet  to  seek  to  convince  her  was  useless.  For 
Gerald  to  make  an  appeal  to  Mr.  St.  John  might  only 
complicate  matters,  even  if  he  could  resolve  upon  such  a 
etc]).  It  must  go  on  to  the  end. 

We  talked  for  some  time,  arid  Elsie  grew  gradually 
calmer.  Still  I  could  not  help  believing  that  her  regard 
for  Gerald  was  stronger  than  she  would  admit,  and  might 
blossom  into  die  deepest  passion  of  her  life.  She  tried  to 
soften  the  blow  to  him  with  many  kind  messages  to  be 
given  after  a  while,  but  she  remained  steadfast  in  her 
resolve  of  not  seeing  him. 

I  called  upon  them  twice  before  they  left;  and  Mr.  St. 


328  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

John  made  a,  brief  farewell  visit  with  the  ladies.  Mrs. 
Lawrence  tried  to  extort  a  promise  that  I  would  visit 
Laurc'lwood  the  next  summer. 

"I  can  no  longer  tyrannize  over  you  in  the  capacity  of 
guardian,"  he  said,  with  a  short  laugh  that  had  a  bitter 
flavor. 


TR1ING  THE  WORLD.  329 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

"  Barely  from  off  the  desert  of  my  life 
I  gather  patience  and  severe  content." 

ALEX.  SMITH. 

GERALD  did  not  submit  to  his  fate  easily.  We  both  felt 
that  Elsie  was  making  an  unwise,  as  well  as  dangerous 
experiment;  and  that  when  it  was  too  late,  she  might 
learn  her  fatal  mistake. 

"I  don't  doubt  that  Mr.  St.  John  will  try  to  make  her 
happy;  but  there  is  so  much  difference  in  their  ages  and 
temperaments.  And  she,  in  her  rigid  endeavor  to  cheat 
both  him  and  herself,  would  die  a  martyr  on  the  cross  of 
love." 

There  was  a  settled  melancholy  in  Gerald's  deep  eyes, 
and  whenever  he  uttered  such  sentences,  my  heart  was 
acutely  pained. 

And  then  I  remembered  my  own  many  pangs.  I  strove 
to  say  that  I  would  be  satisfied  to  know  that  Mr.  St.  John 
was  happy  with  another,  but  I  could  not  so  cheat  myself. 
Years  and  absence  had  not  extinguished  that  divine  pas- 
sion. Like  Gerald,  I  had  drank  of  its  charmed  waters  for 
all  time.  There  was  no  oblivion  for  me. 

Some  weeks  later,  Gerald  joined  a  company  of  friends 
who  were  going  to  Central  America.  I  knew  the  change 
would  prove  beneficial  to  him.  Elsie's  first  letter  was  so 
tranquil,  that  I  felt  the  faintest  hope  for  him  must  be  at 
an  end  forever. 

It  was  quite  impossible  for  me  to  return  to  my  former 


830  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE.  OR 

quiet  mode  of  life.  Society  preferred  its  claims,  and 
would  be  heard.  Why  should  I  exile  myself  from  all  the 
pleasures  of  the  world  ?  My  friends  rejoiced  at  my  success, 
and  I  experienced  a  thrill  of  gratification  that  was  not 
allied  to  vanity.  Since  this  was  to  be  the  pleasure  of  my 
future,  I  would  accept  it  in  peace. 

Presently  we  glided  over  into  May.  The  spring  was 
very  forward,  and  the  warm  days  made  us  think  of  finding 
some  airy  summer  resort.  In  the  midst  of  these  discus- 
sions I  received  a  sudden  summons  elsewhere  —  a  note 
from  Mr.  St.  John,  that  contained  these  tidings :  — 

"  MY  DEAK  Miss  CLIFFORD  :  Since  our  return  to  Laurel- 
wood,  Elsie's  health  has  gradually  failed,  and  she  is  now 
seriously  ill  with  a  fever.  She  begs  for  you  continually; 
and  as  it  is  for  her  happiness,  I  am  emboldened  to  ask  the 
favor.  Will  you  come  to  us  immediately  ?  With  warmest 
regards  from  rny  sister.  ST.  JOHN." 

To  refuse  was  simply  out  of  the  question.  I  would 
have  done  much  for  the  dear  child's  sake.  I  felt  that  she 
was  noaring  a  fateful  crisis.  How  would  it  end  ? 

I  telegraphed  my  answer,  and  made  my  preparations 
immediately.  How  strange  that  I  should  be  going  back, 
changed  in  many  respects,  yet  in  others  the  same  !  Nearly 
seven  years  since  I  had  first  seen  Laurehvood.  What  a 
varied  life  mine  had  been  ! 

Bertha  insisted  that  I  should  return  as  soon  as  possible, 
and  I  promised.  A  journey  had  no  terror  for  me  now, 
and  yet  I  seemed  to  tremble  at  every  step.  What  would 
be  the  result?  For  I  felt  as  if  I  held  the  happiness  of 
others  in  my  hand. 

When  I  reached  the  station,  I  discerned  a  familiar  figure 
pacing  the  platform.  My  heart  gave  a  great  bound,  that 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  331 

was  more  of  apprehension  than  hope.  lie  was  waiting  for 
me,  and  took  my  hand  as  I  stepped  out. 

"Miss  Carrue?"  I  exclaimed,  in  my  awkward  agita- 
tion. 

"  She  is  very  ill  indeed ;  nearing  the  crisis.  I  am  glad 
you  have  come." 

His  face  and  manner  were  very  grave,  and  there  was  a 
peculiar,  stern  resolve  in  every  feature,  that  made  a  cow- 
ard of  me.  Should  I  never  be  able  to  shake  off  this  man's 
power  ? 

"  Did  you  find  your  journey  tiresome  ?  " 

This  time  his  voice  was  soft  and  sweet. 

"Not  particularly,1'  I  responded,  and  then  glanced  up 
with  one  of  those  sudden  impulses.  Did  we  both  think 
of  the  first  time  I  had  come  hither? 

The  carriage  was  waiting  ju^t  beyond.  He  handed  me 
in,  and  arranged  the  blanket  with  his  usual  carefulness,  for 
the  morning  air  seemed  rather  chilly. 

"You  said  in  your  note  that  Elsie  had  not  been  well 
since  you  came  to  Laurelwood,"  I  began,  at  length,  for  the 
silence  grew  oppressive. 

"  No.  Her  New  York  season  was  too  fatiguing,  I  think. 
She  was  very  glad  to  come  away ;  and  yet  she  has  not 
been  the  same  happy,  care-free  child  that  she  was  be- 
fore. Miss  Carme,  of  all  others,  needs  a  bright,  satisfying 
life." 

Did  he  begin  to  doubt  his  ability  for  making  it  satis- 
factory ?  A  perplexed  look  lingered  about  his  face  like  a 
fluttering  cloud. 

"  There's  something  now  that  I  don't  understand  ;  a  kind 
of  fear  and  reticence  that  I  never  saw  in  her  before. 
Was  she  much  with  you  during  the  last  fortnight?" 

"Very  little,"  I  replied,  feeling  that  this  was  unsafe 
ground.  "  She  was  not  well  even  then." 


332  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

"  I  feel  doubly  anxious  for  her  welfare,  since  it  was  our 
proposal  that  she  should  leave  her  own  home.  My  sister 
is  warmly  attached  to  her." 

It  did  not  appear  to  me  that  there  was  much  of  the 
ardent  lover  in  his  look  or  tone.  Would  the  man  never 
be  roused  to  that  grand  height  of  which  I  felt  he  was 
capable  ? 

But  we  lapsed  into  silence  again.  Familiar  sights  and 
sounds  stirred  my  heart  and  memory.  The  hope  that  had 
glorified  the  primal  day  of  my  Iffe  was  not  dead,  only 
sleeping,  and  I  already  felt  that  it  might  be  called  forth 
with  a  word.  Ah,  I  must  thrust  it  back  into  its  grave. 
The  time  had  gone  by  when  it  would  have  been  a  welcome 
and  cherished  guest. 

If  Laurel  wood  had  met  with  any  change,  it  was  only  to 
grow  more  beautiful.  I  bowed  my  head  with  reverent  awe, 
and  let  old  remembrances  join  this  new  tide  with  a  mighty 
rush.  How  little  I  had  expected  ever  to  return !  and  now  I 
was  here. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  betrayed  much  emotion  as  she  came  for- 
ward to  welcome  me.  She  looked  worn  and  anxious. 

"I  am  so  glad  you  have  come!"  she  uttered,  in  a  tone 
that  I  could  not  doubt.  "But  Elsie  is  much  worse  than 
when  we  first  sent.  She  calls  for  you  incessantly,  but  I 
doubt  if  she  will  recognize  you." 

"  Miss  Adriance  has  been  travelling  all  night,  and  must 
have  a  rest  before  she  enters  the  sick  room,"  Mr.  St.  John 
said ;  and  we  both  smiled  over  the  old  name.  It  did  seem 
most  natural  here.  I  felt  as  if  I  had  been  away  on  a 
long  masquerade,  and  had  but  just  returned  to  my  proper 
character. 

I  was  compelled  to  yield  to  the  kind  care.  After  my 
breakfast,  Mrs.  Lawrence  insisted  that  I  should  take  a  rest. 
Elsie  was  dozing  and  quiet,  and  Mr.  St.  John  was  going  to 


TRYING   THE   WORLD.  333 

watch  her  for  a  while.  So  it  was  nearly  noon  when  I 
entered  the  apartment. 

The  poor  child  lay  tossing  restlessly  upon  her  pillow,  the 
wide  open  eyes  unnaturally  bright  with  fever,  and  the 
cheeks  glowing  in  their  dangerous  scarlet. 

"Miss  Clifford  has  come,"  Mr.  St.  John  announced, 
taking  the  wasted  hand  in  his.  She  was  very  much  ema- 
ciated, and  her  features,  that  had  been  so  lovely  in  their 
roundness,  now  were  sharp  or  sunken. 

"  I  wanted  to  see  her."  The  voice  had  a  hollow,  wander- 
ing sound,  but  she  looked  past  me,  rather  than  at  me,  while 
she  seemed  making  an  effort  to  remember  something. 
"Did  you  tell  him,  Miss  Clifford?"  Do  you  think  he 
forgave?  —  " 

The  rest  was  incoherent  muttering.  I  felt  a  guilty 
knowledge  of  her  secret  rising  to  my  face  with  a  flush,  and 
did  not  dare  glance  around. 

"Where  is  she ?  "Won't  she  take  me  in  her  arms,  as  she 
did  once  ?  I'm  so  tired,  so  tired  !" 

She  stretched  out  both  her  hands  imploringly.  A  be- 
seeching look  lighted  up  the  restless  eyes. 

I  came  near  and  bent  over  her,  soothed  her  with  low 
words  until  she  was  tranquil,  yet  she  did  not  appear  to 
actually  realize  my  presence. 

"  Suppose  you  leave  me  with  her  a  little  while?"  I  said, 
in  a  rather  decisive  tone. 

Mr.  St.  John  would  fain  have  lingered.  I  knew  that  he 
had  some  dim  suspicion  of  a  secret.  I  could  not  think  what 
I  must  do  in  this  cruel  strait,  but  resolved  to  guard  her 
while  it  was  possible. 

When  we  were  alone  I  let  her  talk  without  any  restraint. 
She  only  gave  vague  hints,  however,  and  restless  mutter- 
ings,  mentioning  no  name.  If  I  could  but  keep  Mr.  St. 
John  away! 


334  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OB 

At  three  the  physician  came  in.  An  old  friend  that  I 
had  seen  years  before,  and  who  appeared  delighted  with 
this  encounter. 

"You  are  just  the  one  we  need,"  he  exclaimed,  after  his 
first  surprise  had  subsided.  "  Mrs.  Lawrence  is  nearly  wild 
with  excitement  and  fitigue,  and  it  would  be  better  if  she 
were  not  allowed  in  here  more  than  a  few  moments  at  a 
time.  The  nurse  is  excellent,  but  she  hasn't  that  peculiar 
soothing  power  over  her  that  you  possess.  If  we  can  take 
her  safely  through  until  noon  to-morrow,  the  danger  will  be 
past;  and  this  sweet  life  is  too  precious  to  wither  like  a 
flower." 

I  promised  to  do  my  best,  and  succeeded  very  well — 
for  from  that  time  until  nine  in  the  evening,  when  lie  called 
again,  she  had  said  but  little,  though  she  had  been  exceed- 
ingly restless.  One  or  two  symptoms  he  thought  im- 
proved. 

"  Watch  her  closely  through  the  night,"  he  said,  and  left 
directions  for  every  change,  with  the  kind  of  remedies  that 
were  to  be  used.  He  also  had  a  long  conversation  with 
Mr.  St.  John  in  the  adjoining  room. 

The  nurse  would  have  remained,  but  I  did  not  care  to 
have  her.  Mr.  St.  John  proposed  sharing  my  watch,  but 
I  was  fain  to  dismiss  him. 

"At  least  I  shall  stay  within  call.  It  is  too  much  for 
you  to  be  alone;  and  we  are  under  great  obligations  to 
you." 

His  tone  was  unnaturally  cold,  I  thought,  and  he  showed 
that  he  was  laboring  under  some  constraint.  If  Elsie  could 
get  through  the  night  without  betraying  her  secret ! 

Mr.  St.  John  at  length  disposed  of  himself  on  the  lounge 
in  the  adjoining  room.  I  took  my  seat,  having  turned  the 
light  to  a  drowsy  dimness,  and  bathed  Elsie's  burning 
hands,  now  and  then  cooling  the  throbbing  brow,  and 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  335 

turning  aside  the  clustering  hair.  For  a  while  she  was 
quite  calm,  then  she  began  to  moan  and  murmur.  I  heard 
a  step  beside  me.  Mr.  St.  John  looked  much  disturbed. 

"Please  do  not  feel  distressed,"  I  could  not  help  saying. 
•  "  I  am  not  utterly  heartless,"  he  returned,  with  a  strange 
touch  of  spirit.  "I  cannot  see  you  overtasking  your- 
self—" 

"  Do  not  fear  for  me." 

Elsie  started  that  moment  and  sprang  up,  almost  into 
his  arms. 

"  Go  away,  Gerald,"  she  said.  "I  cannot,  cannot  marry 
you ;  my  promise  has  been  given  to  another.  No,  don't 
kiss  my  hand  even.  Am  I  cruel  ?  Heaven  forgive  me. 
I  must  suffer,  too;  but  I  shall  be  brave  to  bear  it." 

"Elsie  !  "  I  said,  pressing  my  cheek  against  hers. 

"  Don't  let  him  hate  me.  O,  if  I  had  known !  But  I 
never  thought  of  his  loving  me.  I  must  tear  the  sweet 
knowledge  out  of  my  heart.  Gerald  will  never  dream  that 
I  cared;  and  it  is  best  —  best.  O,  is  any  one  happy  in 
this  world  ?  " 

He  looked  at  us  both.  I  was  quivering  in  every  nerve, 
hardly  less  than  she.  Now  that  the  floodgates  of  her  soul 
were  loosened,  there  was  no  reserve.  The  secret  that  she 
would  confess  to  neither  Gerald  nor  me  was  told  with  all 
the  wildness  of  delirium.  How  much  she  had  suffered  in 
her  vain  endeavor  to  keep  to  what  she  considered  her 
duty,  we  both  knew  now. 

It  was  a  singular  scene.  The  corners  of  the  room  were 
in  shadows,  the  light  sending  its  rays  over  the  bed  where 
she  tossed  and  moaned,  her  face  full  of  unearthly  beauty, 
her  hair  glittering  with  every  motion.  The  awe  that  al- 
ways reigns  at  midnight  affected  me  powerfully,  and  her 
strained,  imploring  voice,  rising  to  highest  pathos,  then 
dying  away  to  convulsive  sobs.  Mr.  St.  John  stood  with 


386  STDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

his  arms  folded,  his  face  like  chiselled  marble.     What  pang 
of  agony  rent  his  soul? 

Presently  her  strength  was  exhausted.  I  gave  her  the 
remedies  the  doctor  had  prescribed,  and  watched  for  many 
minutes.  The  next  few  hours  might  decide.  I  scarcely 
breathed  in  my  intense  anxiety. 

Her  eyes  closed,  her  whole  system  grew  more  calm. 
The  fever  flush  began  to  fade  into  deathly  whiteness.  I 
had  been  told  every  symptom  so  minutely  that  I  drew  a 
long  breath  of  something  like  relief. 

An  hour,  perhaps,  we  stood  there,  much  of  the  time 
Mr.  St.  John's  fingers  being  upon  her  wrist.  Her  respira- 
tion grew  easier,  and  it  was  evident  she  was  sinking  into 
slumber.  Once  or  twice  Mrs.  Lawrence,  looking  like  a 
white  wraith,  had  approached  the  door,  but  her  brother 
would  not  allow  her  to  enter. 

"  Sit  down,"  he  said  to  me  ;  and  I  obeyed  without  a  dis- 
senting gesture.  Then,  after  many  moments,  in  the  same 
cold,  clear  tone,  "  She  is  better  —  she  will  live,"  he  an- 
nounced. 

I  saw  him  move  to  extinguish  the  light  and  open  the 
windows.  He  called  me  by  a  motion  of  his  hand,  and, 
following  one  of  my  old  impulses,  I  went. 

"Did  your  cousin  propose  to  Miss  Carme  ?  "  he  asked. 

To  evade  would  be  folly.  How  far  it  was  necessary  to 
soften  the  pang  for  him,  I  could  not  tell. 

"  He  did,"  I  answered. 

"And  she  rejected  him?" 

"Yes." 

"  Did  you  know  of  this  before  we  left  New  York  ?  Did 
she  tell  you?" 

«  She  did.     I  heard  it  from  both.'* 

"  And  you  allowed  her  to  make  this  monstrous  sacri- 
fice !  You  must  have  known  that  she  loved  him,"  he  said. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD.  337 

"What  could  I  do?  She  had  already  refused  him,  and 
was  resolute  in  her  endeavor  to  perform  what  she  consid- 
ered her  duty.  How  could  I  go  against  her  sense  of  right 
and  honor?" 

"Have  you  any  tender,  womanly  soul  at  all?  Do  you 
care  for  your  fellow-creatures  ?  or  are  they  like  so  many 
blocks  of  wood  or  stone  ?  Both  might  have  been  saved 
much  anguish." 

"  You  are  bitterly  unjust,"  I  said,  roused,  as  in  the  old 
times.  "  I  did  point  out  the  course  that  I  considered  best 
—  that  she  should  tell  you,  and  allow  you  to  become  the 
arbiter.  I  could  do  nothing  more." 

"  A  word  to  me  would  have  been  sufficient." 

"  Did  you  expect  me  to  say  that  ?  " 

I  turned  suddenly,  my  face  white  with  the  effort  I  made 
to  suppress  my  indignation. 

"  Heavens !  no.  You  would  sacrifice  everything  to  your 
relentless  pride.  What  have  I  done  that  you  should  hate 
me  so  persistently  ?  " 

"  If  I  had  hated  you,  I  think  I  could  have  found  a  better 
opportunity  to  wound.  I  should  have  rejoiced  in  making 
you  suffer  through  your  love  for  her." 

"  My  love  for  her  has  not  been  so  selfish  that  I  should 
have  barred  her  out  of  any  dearer  happiness.  I  shall  not 
attempt  to  justify  myself  in  your  eyes,  knowing  that  can 
never  be.  She  came  to  me  a  beautiful,  guileless  child,  at 
a  time  when  I  had  well  nigh  lost  my  faith  in  all  other 
women.  I  did  not  design  to  win  her  heart ;  she  was  so 
young  and  fresh,  so  unconscious  of  all  the  dearer  joys  of 
life.  But  one  day  I  found,  or  fancied,  that  I  had  roused  a 
deeper  than  friendly  interest  in  that  hitherto  untroubled 
heart.  Perhaps  the  consciousness  of  being  loved  was  as 
blissful  to  me  as  to  another  man." 
22 


338  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OK 

I  had  no  word  to  say,  and  so  kept  silent  during  the  long 
pause  he  made. 

"  I  said,  perhaps  God  has  sent  this  late  joy  to  make 
amends  for  other  dead  hopes.  I  will  take  her  to  rny  heart, 
and  shield  her  from  all  care,  worship  her  as  men  do  angels. 
I  will  watch  the  unfolding  of  this  pure  heart ;  and,  if  my 
name  be  inscribed  on  its  innermost  portals,  I  will  cherish 
the  gift  with  my  whole  strong  soul ;  but  if  she  finds  that 
this  was  but  a  childish  regard,  and  the  deepest  springs  of 
her  being  are  stirred,  I  will  bless  her  and  send  her  on  her 
vay.  My  own  solitary  fate  I  can  endure." 

"That  was  hardly  love,"  I  ventured. 

"How  many  of  us  attain  to  our  high  ideal?  In  our 
early  visions  nothing  but  a  royal  banquet  will  satisfy  us ; 
later  we  sit  down  to  humble  fare  with  contented  minds, 
I  thought  once  that  I  had  found  the  gold  —  instead,  a  glit- 
tering rock,  than  which  no  ice  peak  could  be  colder.  Then 
I  was  willing  to  take  the  crumbs  of  daily  life." 

"You  are  not  a  humble  man,"  I  said,  half  bewildered 
by  his  tone  and  manner. 

"Do  you  know  what  I  am?  would  you  know  if  a  thou- 
sand years  were  given  you?" 

Elsie  stirred,  and  we  both  were  beside  her  in  a  moment. 
She  was  still  asleep ;  her  pulse,  though  weak,  was  growing 
more  regular. 

Mr.  St.  John  summoned  the  nurse. 

"  You  must  go  now,"  he  said  to  me.  And  I  hurried 
away,  glad  to  be  released. 

But  I  could  not  sleep.  A  hundred  conflicting  emotions 
made  perfect  chaos  of  my  brain.  Was  I  never  to  be  be- 
yond the  reach  of  this  man's  influence  ?  Would  he  always 
be  able  to  summon  my  soul  with  a  word  or  a  look  ? 

After  an  hour  or  two  I  rose,  bathed  my  face  and  ar- 
ranged my  hair,  and  went  down  to  the  breakfast-room. 
Mrs.  Lawrence  Ba£  there  alone. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  339 

"  O,"  she  exclaimed,  "  Stuart  said  you  were  to  sleep  till 
noon.  The  doctor  has  been  here,  and  thinks  the  worst  is 
over  with  our  darling." 

Her  eyes  were  full  of  grateful  tears. 

"  If  I  had  a  child  of  my  own,  I  couldn't  love  it  better," 
she  sayl,  vehemently.  "  I  never  cared  so  much  for  any 
human  being." 

I  drank  a  cup  of  coffee,  and  then  returned  to  Elsie's  room. 
Mr.  St.  John  was  sitting  by  the  window,  his  face  bowed 
in  his  hand ;  but  he  neither  spoke  nor  stirred. 

How  I  lived  through  the  day  I  can  hardly  tell.  At 
times  such  a  deathly  sinking  and  strange  fear  rushed  over 
me  that  I  could  hardly  breathe  at  all  —  as  if  I  had  been 
tortured  on  the  rack ;  and  in  the  after  moment  of  release 
my  whole  frame  throbbed  with  intense  anguish.  If  I  could 
only  be  at  peace  once  again ! 

Elsie,  though  very  weak  and  low,  was  out  of  immediate 
danger.  For  several  days  she  lay  motionless,  and  with  no 
(k-sires,  but  in  that  shadowy,  transition  state.  One  morn- 
ing she  greeted  me  with  a  faint,  sweet  smile. 

"  How  long  have  you  been  here  ?  "  she  asked. 

"About  a  week,"  was  my  answer. 

"  I  am  so  glad  you  came !     Did  I  talk  much  ?  " 

"  Not  very  intelligibly  ; "  and  I  laughed. 

After  that  she  began  to  recover  rapidly;  but  she  could 
hardly  endure  to  have  me  out  of  her  sight.  Her  clinging 
love  was  inexpressibly  sweet. 

"  Will  you  give  me  your  cousin's  address  ?"  Mr.  St.  John 
asked  me  one  evening.  "  He  is  abroad,  I  believe." 

I  wrote  it  on  a  card,  and  handed  it  to  him.  Since  that 
night  of  our  strange  talk  we  had  gone  on  in  our  usual 
manner;  he  being  so  self-contained  that  I  really  ceased  to 
speculate  upon  him..  I  felt  that  he  intended  to  summon 
Gerald  back,  but  asked  no  questions. 


840  STDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OR 

The  whole  household,  down  to  the  smallest  servant, 
rejoiced  at  Elsie's  return  to  health.  Mr.  St.  John  was  ten- 
derly solicitous  for  her  comfort  and  pleasure ;  yet  I  felt 
that  it  was  not  exactly  a  lover's  care.  Was  he  capable  of 
a  grand,  absorbing  passion,  which  would  bring  him  out 
of  his  lofty  self? 

After  a  while  Elsie's  improvement  ceased  to  be  so  rapid. 
She  was  well  enough  then  to  be  taken  out  in  an  easy  car- 
riage; Mrs.  Lawrence,  or  I,  and  Mr.  St.  John  used  to  ac- 
company her.  But  I  noted  the  wistful  sadness  that  would 
not  infrequently  steal  over  her  face,  and  the  longing  eyes 
that  looked  into  the  far  distance,  seeing  nothing.  Mr.  St. 
John  watched  her  very  closely  also.  I  wondered  within 
myself  how  it  was  to  end. 

At  length  I  surprised  her  in  tears. 

"  My  darling,"  I  exclaimed,  "  what  has  occurred  to  dis- 
tress you  ?  " 

She  leaned  her  head  on  my  bosom,  and  wept  bitterly  for 
a  while.  At  last  she  said, — 

"  Dear  Miss  Clifford,  I  have  made  my  best  friend  mis- 
erable by  my  mad  folly  of  the  winter.  I  hate  myself !  I 
wish  I  had  never  come  to  Laurelwood  to  work  such  wretch- 
edness. How  did  I  happen  to  tell?  All  the  first  of  my 
sickness  I  had  such  a  horror  of  being  delirious !  That  was 
one  reason  why  I  wanted  you.  I  thought  you  would  shield 
my  fatal  secret.  But  he  heard  it  all." 

"  He  could  hardly  help  learning  it,  and  must  have  sus- 
pected something  by  your  manner,  for  it  did  make  a  change 
in  you.  It  is  better  that  it  should  be  known,  if  you  could 
only  look  upon  it  in  this  light." 

"  I  look  upon  myself  as  a  weak  creature,  with  no  stability 
of  purpose,  incapable  of  appreciating  the  most  generous 
heart  that  was  ever  bestowed  upon  a  woman.  I  have  been 
deceitful,  vacillating  —  " 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  341 

"  Hush,"  I  said ;  "  you  shall  not  talk  so.  It  was  a  mis- 
take that  any  young  girl  might  easily  fall  into.  You 
thought  you  loved  Mr.  St.  John  —  " 

"And  I  did  —  I  do,"  she  interrupted. 

"If  there  had  been  no  Mr.  St.  John  in  the  world,  how 
could  you  have  felt  about  Gerald?" 

She  flushed  deeply,  and  said,  with  a  weary  sigh,  — 

"  I  don't  seem  to  understand  at  all.  I  want  Mr.  St.  John 
to  be  happy ;  instead  of  rendering  him  so,  I  have  given 
him  only  pain,  and  made  Gerald  suffer  also." 

"What  does  Mr.  St.  John  propose?" 

"  He  talked  to  me  so  tenderly  that  it  melted  my  heart. 
He  will  not  admit  that  he  shall  be  miserable  in  giving  up 
the  engagement,  but  I  know  no  other  hope  will  blossom  to 
his  life.  Could  I  be  happy  in  knowing  he  was  sorrowful 
and  desolate  ?  " 

"  Could  he  be  happy  in  knowing  that  the  rich,  sponta- 
neous love  —  the  best  gift  of  a  woman's  heart  —  should  in 
your  case  be  another's?" 

"  Did  you  ever  love  any  one  ?  "  she  said,  simply,  raising 
her  head. 

The  blood  rushed  in  a  torrent  to  my  face. 

"  Forgive  me."  Her  voice  was  very  humble.  "  It  seems 
so  strange  to  care  for  two,  though." 

"  Does  it  make  no  difference  to  you  whether  Gerald  is 
happy?" 

"O,  Miss  Clifford,  it  almost  kills  me  sometimes  when  I 
think  of  his  pain  and  anguish.  And  when  I  was  first 
sick  he  was  in  my  mind  continually.  Do  you  hear  from 
him?" 

"I  have  heard  once." 

"  There  is  some  fatality  about  me,  I  believe.  I  wonder 
that  any  one  should  care  so  much  for  me." 

"  My  darling,  no  one  can  help  it." 


342  SYDNIE  ADKIANCE,   OR 

"Mr.  St.  John  thinks  it  wiser  to  wait.  He  wants  me 
to  be  quite  free  in  the  mean  while,  and  meet  Mr.  Clifford 
again.  But  Gerald  will  never  come  back.  I  gave  him 
such  a  positive  refusal." 

Should  I  tell  her  what  I  suspected,  that  Gerald  was 
already  on  his  homeward  way?  I  did  not  know  that  Mr. 
St.  John  had  written,  but  I  felt  convinced  that  he  designed 
Elsie  should  come  to  her  rightful  inheritance. 

I  talked  a  long  while,  trying  to  make  her  look  at  the 
case  in  its  true  light.  She  was  so  gentle,  and  longed  so 
earnestly  to  do  right,  that  one  could  hardly  call  her  strange 
persistency  obstinacy.  She  had  proposed  to  herself  a  high 
heroic  task,  and  if  it  were  swept  away,  her  life  at  first  would 
appear  aimless. 

By  degrees  I  believe  Mr.  St.  John  brought  her  to  a 
clearer  mental  state.  She  seemed  merging  into  a  sweet 
and  noble  womanhood,  and  began  to  feel  that  her  regard 
for  him  was  one  of  those  exalted  friendships,  rather  than  a 
profound  love.  He  was  delicacy  and  tenderness  itself.  If 
he  had  ever  treated  me  in  this  fashion  — 

One  day  he  told  her  that  he  had  sent  for  Gerald,  and 
received  a  telegram  in  return.  Ere  long  he  would  be  at 
Laurelwood. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  343 


CHAPTER  XXVL 

«'  The  deepest  ice  that  ever  froze 
Can  only  o'er  the  surface  close; 
The  burning  stream  lies  quick  below, 
And  flows,  and  cannot  cease  to  flow." 

JUNE  had  brought  the  roses  to  Laurel  wood  in  richest 
profusion.  I  used  to  question  if  any  other  place  in  the 
world  was  so  beautiful  Amid  all  my  wanderings,  that  spot 
still  seemed  an  Eden,  and  yet  I  was  not  happy.  For  I 
must  begin  my  pilgrimage  shortly  again.  Now  that  actual 
<luty  was  over,  the  delay  here  was  too  dangerous  and  too 
dearly  purchased, 

We  sat  on  the  balcony  in  the  late  afternoon,  where  the 
westward  sunshine  was  stealing  through  the  swaying  vines 
in  grotesque  shadows.  Now  and  then  one  crowned  Elsie, 
who  had  grown  lovelier,  if  such  a  thing  could  be. 

I  was  reading  Lady  Geraldine's  Courtship  to  them,  or 
rather  had  been,  for  now  my  voice  paused  at  its  ending, 
and  there  was  a  long  silence. 

"  I  think  Sydnie  is  like  Bertram,"  Elsie  said,  slowly,  as 
if  she  had  been  revolving  the  subject  in  her  mind. 

"Do  you?"  and  Mr.  St.  John  smiled.  u  Because  she  is 
so  proud  ?  " 

"  Yes.     He  was  more  haughty  than  Lady  Geraldine." 

"  But  even  he  relented  at  last" 

"Does  that  mean  Sydnie  wouldn't?"  she  asked,  in  a 
quiet  tone.  "  And  if  she  were  in  love  — " 

"  Which  she  doesn't  believe  in." 

"  O,  Sydnie,  for  once  he  is  mistaken  —  is  he  not  ?  "  and 


344  SYDNIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

her  eager  face,  with  its  glow  of  faith,  was  turned  to- 
wards me. 

"  I  never  professed  to  doubt,"  I  said,  softly. 

"  It  does  not  require  open  professions  to  test  one  in  that 
respect.  A  little  act  is  often  sufficient." 

"  You  don't  mean  that  because  she  did  not  marry  Mr. 
Channing  —  ?" 

u  No,  little  one,  I  never  considered  that  a  love,  or  even  a 
friendship." 

There  was  a  touch  of  sarcasm  in  his  voice. 

M  Well,  what  then  ?  I  am  curious,"  and  she  glanced  into 
his  face. 

"  I  only  know  that  once  she  was  very  proud.  Perhaps 
she  did  not  love  at  all.  I  suppose  she  did  not,  but  she  was 
loved." 

I  listened  in  a  kind  of  breathless  trance. 

"  O,  tell  me  about  him.  I  think  I  am  always  interested 
more  in  the  unhappy  ones,  those  who  have  a  great  trial  or 
burden  to  bear." 

He  stooped  to  kiss  her  calm  forehead 

"  There  was  once  a  man  who  loved  her.  lie  had  lived 
much  within  himself,  and  rather  distrusted  the  world  in 
general.  It  may  be  that  he  was  piqued  to  find  a  word 
or  glance  of  here  could  move  him  so  easily.  In  all  the 
wide  world  he  feared  nothing  but  her;  because  when  he 
dared  to  dream,  which  was  seldom,  his  visions  were  so 
entrancing,  that  sometimes  he  dreaded  to  have  them  swept 
away  at  a  word.  After  her  engagement  was  broken,  she 
lost  her  fortune,  you  know.  He  took  a  little  courage  then, 
and  offered  her  all  that  a  man  can  give  — " 

"But  she  couldn't  have  refused  him  then,  if  she  cared  at 
all.  It  was  so  generous,"  she  interrupted. 

"  I  suppose  she  did  not  care  at  all ;  and  BO  ends  the 
story." 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  345 

UO,  SydnieJ  I  don't  like  it  to  end  that  way.  Will  he 
never  come  back  to  her?  What  became  of  him?" 

"  My  little  Elsie,  men  may  be  proud,  as  well  as  women," 

"Didn't  you  care  a  little?" 

"  I  was  poor,  and  he  rich,"  I  said ;  but  my  voice  sounded 
like  a  far-off  dream.  My  very  soul  seemed  to  stand  still 
That  I  should  listen  to  this  story  now,  and  know  there 
was  no  step  that  I  could  retrace  2 

"  He  was  noble  and  good,  and  I  wish  Sydnie  had  loved 
Lim." 

Mrs.  Lawrence  sauntered  out  to  us,  and  that  ended  the 
conversation.  A  few  moments  later  Mr.  St.  John  was 
summoned  to  the  library  by  the  arrival  of  a  guest. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  was  very  well  satisfied  with  the  turn 
affairs  had  taken,  «*  It  is  the  only  real  foolish  thing  that  I 
ever  knew  Stuart  to  stumble  into,"  she  said,  confidently,  to 
me,  concerning  the  engagement. 

A  servant  was  sent  for  Elsie,  When  I  heard  her  low, 
glad  cry,  I  solved  the  mystery  at  once.  Mr.  St.  John 
came  through  the  hall  presently. 

"  It  is  your  cousin,"  he  said ;  and  then  he  went  to  his 
own  room,  I  talked  to  Mrs.  Lawrence  long  after  the  stars 
came  out.  I  wanted  to  keep  away  from  myself  and  the 
sense  of  loss  that  overwhelmed  me.  Why  must  fate  bring 
me  back  to  be  tortured  afresh?  Through  this  new  tie  we 
would  be  linked  together  again.  How  would  I  endure  it? 
Every  nerve  shrank  with  an  intense  dread. 

That  Elsie  was  supremely  happy  I  need  hardly  say. 
After  that  first  interview  her  doubts  were  forever  set  at 
rest,  mid  with  her  peculiar  delicacy  she  confessed  that  Mr. 
St.  John  had  been  right,  and  decided  wisely  for  all. 

"  That  St.  John  of  yours  is  the  noblest  man  alive,"  Ger- 
ald said  to  me  the  next  morning.  "  He  is  a  veritable  fairy 
prince  j  yet  I  wonder  a  little  that  Elsie  should  have  loved 


346  6YDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

me,  for  I  cannot  compare  with  him.  I  shall  never  be  jeal- 
ous, though ;"  and  a  bright,  bappy  smile  illumined  his  face. 

One  wave  drifts  us  into  bliss,  and  we  are  content ;  but 
we  beat  against  the  tide  of  sorrow  continually,  finding  no 
haven  of  rest.  We  were  all  satisfied  with  the  delight  of 
these  young  hearts,  and  they  settled  into  the  rapture  of 
lovers  with  hardly  a  thought  for  any  one  save  themselves 
—  the  sweet  selfishness  of  entire  affection. 

Gerald  was  browned  by  the  tropical  sun,  but  handsomer 
than  ever.  Mrs.  Lawrence  took  him  under  her  protection 
at  once,  and  a  marriage  was  discussed.  He  thought  until 
autumn  a  sufficiently  long  probation,  and  Elsie  really  had 
no  will  of  her  own  about  it.  I  suspect  Gerald  tempted 
her  by  visions  of  foreign  travel  and  Parisian  operas. 

All  this  was  done  in  a  week,  and  I  proposed  my  de- 
parture. There  was  a  general  outcry,  but  I  promised  to 
be  back  at  the  wedding. 

"  If  there  isn't  some  fatality  about  it,"  Mrs.  Lawrence 
said ;  and  I  knew  my  own  unfortunate  experiment  came 
fresh  to  her  mind. 

M I  don't  see  why  you  need  go,"  Mr.  St.  John  began,  ab- 
ruptly, as  we  were  rambling  through  the  shady  walk. 

"  Business  and  necessity  call  me,"  I  returned.  "  My 
duties  here  seem  to  be  all  performed." 

"Duty  and  necessity!  They  are  hateful  words  for  a 
woman.  She  should  have  some  sort  of  love  or  choice. 
Perhaps  you  have?" 

There  was  a  little  sneer  in  the  bland  tones.  For  a  mo- 
ment I  could  not  make  any  reply. 

"Haven't  your  many  ramblings  hither  and  thither  satis- 
fied you?  This  unrest,  this  continual  search  for  new 
pleasures,  has  been  the  bane  of  your  life." 

"  Do  you  think  every  step  I  have  been  compelled  to 
take  has  had  direct  reference  to  pleasure?"  I  asked, 
almost  haughtily. 


TRYING  THE   WORLD,  347 

"Perhaps  not  pleasure,  but  a  craving  for  new  scenes  and 
friends.  Are  they  better  than  the  old  ?  And  now  that 
you  have  won  fame,  has  it  made  you  happy  ?  " 

"That  was  not  my  sole  aim.  Do  me  the  justice  to  be- 
lieve it." 

"You  always  had  a  longing  to  mix  in  the  world's  fray. 
Some  day  you  will  learn  that  the  crowning  glory  of  a  wo- 
man's life  is  not  so  much  the  position  she  sustains  to  the 
world,  as  to  see  her  love  and  patience  reflected  in  the  faces 
she  meets  at  the  fireside.  But  I  believe  you  cannot  be 
content  with  the  quiet  joys  that  come  to  others." 

"Mr.  St.  John,  you  are  unjust  •»-  an  old  fault  of  yours." 

"  I  am  full  of  faults  in  your  eyes ! "  He  stooped  to  pull 
a  branch  of  larch,  and  then  began  despoiling  it  of  its 
clustering  needles.  "You  distance  us  in  your  clear  sight 
when  you  become  philosophers.  We  protest  a  little  at 
being  stripped  of  the  few  graces  romance  has  invested  us 
with." 

My  pulses  were  throbbing  under  the  rigid  control  in 
which  I  held  them.  I  would  not  be  made  angry  as  in 
those  foolish  old  days. 

"  I  don't  see  why  you  go !  For  that  matter,  you  might 
write  a  book  here  in  these  sylvan  retreats,  or  turn  poet. 
You  are  not  fortuneless,  that  you  need  take  up  school 
teaching." 

"  I  did  that  from  urgent  necessity,"  I  answered,  point- 
edly. 

"  No,  you  didn't.  You  had  all  offered  you  then  that  is 
ever  laid  at  a  woman's  feet ; "  and  his  voice  trembled  with 
a  strange  excitement.  "  Home,  fortune,  and  love  !  You 
refused  them.  I  can  never  forget  the  word  you  used  — 
easily.  Is  your  heart  a  stone  ?  " 

An  almost  deathly  spasm  came  over  me.  My  very 
limbs  tottered,  and  for  an  instant  the  shady  path  was  like 


348  SYDXIE   ADRIANCE,   OR 

blackest  night.  Where  should  I  go  to  escape  this  being, 
whose  every  word  was  torture  ?  Then  I  rallied.  I  would 
fight  my  way  out,  hard  as  it  might  prove. 

"  I  remember  it,"  I  said,  with  a  calmness  that  sounded 
terrible,  even  to  my  own  self.  "  No  fortune  could  have 
bought  me  then,  no  gold  ever  will.  And  what  was  your 
love  if  it  could  be  put  in  a  few  formal  words  ?  I  will  con- 
fess that  I  was  proud  and  sensitive,  sore  too  from  the  hard 
blow  fate  had  given  me;  but  even  then  that  calm  regard 
could  not  satisfy  me." 

"  Nothing  can.     Nothing  ever  will." 

There  was  a  dreary  cadence  in  his  tone  that  smote  me 
bitterly.  We  walked  on  in  silence,  side  by  side,  but  sun- 
dered as  if  the  whole  world  lay  between.  Coming  to  the 
end  of  the  path  we  both  paused.  What  vain,  wild  incense 
I  had  offered  at  this  man's  shrine.  Useless  all! 

"You  will  stay?" 

Was  the  voice  tender  or  beseeching?  There  was  a 
rushing  sound  in  my  brain  as  if  I  had  been  leagues  deep 
in  the  sea. 

"  I  cannot." 

He  made  room  for  me  to  pass.  The  last  word  had  been 
said.  I  raised  my  eyes,  as  if  mastered  by  some  spell. 

"Sydnie!" 

I  was  weak  and  faint.  If  the  strong  arm  had  not  caught 
me  I  should  have  fallen.  And  then  one  long,  passionate 
kiss,  one  clasp. 

"  Go,"  he  said,  releasing  me.  "  Since  you  prefer  fame, 
and  the  honor  the  world  can  give,  to  love —  my  love,"  and 
his  voice  trembled  with  emotion,  "I  will  no  longer  annoy 
you  by  my  entreaties." 

In  that  moment  pride  was  swept  away.  Blinded  by 
tears,  and  throbbing  in  every  pulse,  unable  to  speak,  I 
stretched  out  my  hands. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  349 

"Child,"  he  said,  with  vehemence,  "do  you  love  me?  do 
you  need  me?  Have  your  false  idols  crumbled  to  dust? 
For  if  I  have  any,  I  want  all  your  heart.  No  weak,  irreso- 
lute passion  will  satisfy  me.  I  am  selfish  and  exactin"-  in 
this." 

"I  need  you,"  I  replied,  with  the  courage  of  a  love  I  no 
longer  feared,  for  the  thought  of  reigning  in  his  heart  in- 
spired me. 

"  Five  years  ago  you  went  away,  taking  with  you  the 
dearest  hope  of  my  life.  To-day  you  have  brought  it  back. 
We  will  never  part  again." 

0  love,  made  perfect  in  faith !     Why  had  I  not  known 
before?     For  now  it  spoke  in  the  deep  eyes  suffused  with 
tenderness,  in  the  flush  of  the  broad,  kingly  brow,  the 
tremulous  lips,  the  whole  air. 

"Is  it  no  dream?  My  darling,  let  me  hear  from  your 
own  lips  that  you  love  me.  How  I  have  hungered  for 
these  blessed  words ! " 

1  said  them  not  once,  but  many  times.     The  eager,  fer- 
vent eyes  seemed  to  drain  my  soul  to  its  very  depths,  and 
yet  there  was  no  void. 

"  Shall  I  tell  you  that,  daring  and  resolute  as  I  could  be 
in  all  other  matters,  I  have  feared  you  almost  beyond  be- 
lief? From  the  very  first,  when  you  were  a  proud,  way- 
ward, undeveloped  girl.  I  had  never  loved  before,  and 
all  the  fire  of  a  strong  nature  was  kindled.  But  I  dreaded 
your  triumph,  and  fancied  in  those  old  days  that  every 
other  person  pleased  you  more  readily  than  I.  Not  even 
to  my  dearest  friend  could  I  have  yielded  you  without  a 
mortal  pang.  Perhaps  love  in  natures  like  mine  is  cruel 
from  its  very  intensity.  I  have  been  harsh  and  selfish, 
but  Heaven  knows  the  anguish  I  have  suffered.  Will  you 
accept  my  expiation  ?  " 

"  I  could  have  loved  you  even  then,"  I  said,  slowly,  think- 


350  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,   OB 

ing  of  the  many  times  he  had  swayed  me  against  my 
will. 

"Could  you?"  he  returned,  almost  sharply.  "How 
happened  it,  then,  that  my  cousin's  foolish  trifling  won 
you?  From  the  first  I  had  a  fatal  misgiving.  A  wild  re- 
solve urged  me  to  fly  to  your  rescue,  and  then  the  utter 
absurdity  of  the  step  deterred  me.  After  you  brought  him 
home  there  were  times  when  I  was  on  the  very  verge  of  a 
betrayal.  I  never  felt  so  certain  of  your  regard  that  I 
dared  risk  a  confession,  for  it  seemed  as  if  your  ridicule 
was  the  one  thing  I  could  not  endure." 

"Your  influence  saved  me  in  that  dread  time;"  and  I 
shivered  at  the  recollection. 

"Ah,  I  knew  at  last  that  you  did  not  love  him.  But 
you  counterfeited  skilfully.  Then,  filled  with  doubt  and 
mistrust,  I  asked  myself  how  much  truth  there  was  in  a 
woman.  Faith  received  a  cruel  shock.  Yet  I  fancy  I  un- 
derstand how  his  sweetness  and  apparent  generosity  led 
you  astray.  But  it  maddened  me  that  you  should  be  so 
blind,  and  that  my  sister  should  stand  ready  to  applaud  and 
encourage.  I  refused  my  consent,  in  the  hope  that  Aylmer 
would  find  some  stronger  attraction  elsewhere.  There  were 
a  few  days  of  intense  anguish,  and  then  came  that  blessed 
respite.  I  read  your  secret — you  were  as  much  relieved  as  I." 

"  I  hate  myself  for  all  that  episode,"  I  exclaimed,  ve- 
hemently. "  But  you  were  bitter  and  cruel.  How  could 
I  dream  that  you  cared  ?  " 

"I  spoke  afterwards.  Sydnie,  if  you  had  ever  loved, 
how  could  you  have  been  so  cold  and  proud?  When  I 
went  away,  I  thought  I  had  won  the  great  hope  of  my  life. 
Our  time  for  explanations  was  very  brief,  as  you  well  know, 
and  the  sudden  relief  and  joy  dazzled  me.  I  seemed  to 
be  borne  down  some  swift  tide  of  joy,  and  for  the  few 
hours  stricken  dumb,  as  it  were.  How  often  I  attempted 


TBYING  THE   WORLD.  351 

to  write  I  cannot  tell  you ;  but  love  like  mine  needed  lips 
HS  fond  and  warm  to  answer  its  questions.  Haunted  by 
visions  of  rare,  exquisite  bliss,  I  counted  every  day's  delay 
with  a  jealous,  longing  heart.  And  when  I  returned  — 
ah,  child  !  it  was  like  a  cruel  stab  from  the  hand  of  a  friend. 
The  very  servants  came  to  welcome  me,  but  no  sound  or 
sign  from  you.  I  was  amazed,  chilled  to  the  heart's  core. 
When  necessity  brought  you  into  my  presence,  you  were 
distant  and  haughty  as  a  princess.  I  tortured  myself  with 
perplexing  questions,  and  felt  utterly  at  loss  to  account 
for  your  coldness.  That  you  should  not  misunderstand 
the  import  of  the  words  I  had  spoken  before  my  departure, 
I  wrote  you  a  note.  What  demon  of  icy  pride  possessed 
you?  Not  a  gesture  of  love,  not  a  sign  of  tenderness,  not 
a  word,  until  that  bitter  sentence  — '  easily  answered ! '  O, 
Sydnie !  were  you  human  in  those  days,  or  only  a  beauti- 
ful, soulless  statue  ?  " 

"  I  was  poor.  More  than  this  —  I  had  overheard  a  sur- 
mise that,  having  lost  my  fortune,  I  would  be  only  too 
glad  to  win  your  favor.  The  thought  rankled  until  it 
filled  my  whole  soul." 

"  Not  from  my  sister,  surely  ? "  he  asked,  in  quick  alarm. 

"  No.     It  was  some  foolish  girlish  gossip." 

He  smiled  loftily,  as  if  the  fancy  had  been  simply  absurd. 

"  Did  you  hate  to  owe  anything  to  me  ?  Why,  I  would 
have  loved  you,  shielded  you,  made  life  as  radiant  as  God 
meant  it  should  be  to  you.  I  thought  then  that  having 
gained  one  triumph  over  me,  and  brought  me  to  your 
feet,  you  were  satisfied.  I  confess  that  you  had  always 
held  me  in  a  strange  state  of  doubt  and  fear." 

"Fonnve,"  I  said,  moved  to  tears.     "I  was  afraid  of 

O  '  * 

your  pity  and  generosity.     Since  I  had  nothing  save  love  to 

give,  I  wanted  that  only  in  return.     And  you  were  proud." 

"My  darling,  we  have  misunderstood  one  another  fa- 


352  SYDNIE  ADRIANCE,  OR 

tally.  I  was  sore  and  sensitive,  and,  with  a  man's  spirit, 
one  check  was  sufficient.  I  could  not  see  my  love  trampled 
into  the  dust.  Your  goiug  in  the  manner  you  did  was 
another  agonizing  wound.  It  said  that  you  wanted  neither 
love,  nor  friendship,  nor  sympathy;  that  my  very  presence 
was  distasteful  to  you.  Still  I  kept  watch  of  your  move- 
ment* I  knew  how  long  you  were  at  school ;  more  than 
once  I  stole  a  glimpse  of  your  pale,  resolute  face,  still 
high  and  haughty.  Why  were  you  so  unlike  other  wo- 
men? And  then  your  illness,  your  going  abroad,  and 
your  literary  venture.  Did  you  gather  anything  from  your 
own  heart  lor  that  book?  As  I  read,  I  seemed  to  under- 
stand your  soul;  yet  having  been  once  mistaken,  I  was 
wary.  Then  came  the  news  of  your  marriage.  I  learned 
from  a  friend  in  Rome  that  you  had  gone  to  Nice  with 
your  husband's  family.  Until  that  time  I  had  cherished 
a  secret  hope.  Now  all  the  romance  of  my  life  had 
burned  to  ashes,  and  lay  a  cold,  gray  ruin. 

"I  don't  know  that  I  can  explain  the  peculiar  charm 
Elsie  exercised  over  me  at  this  period.  It  was  a  child's 
sweet  eagerness  to  comfort  and  cheer.  Without  a  word 
she  understood  that  my  heart  was  heavy,  and  ministered 
to  me  in  her  own  rare,  delicate  fashion.  I  knew  I  should 
never  win  love  again;  the  fire  and  anticipation  necessary 
for  such  an  effort  had  died  out  of  my  nature.  But  this 
came  to  me  in  such  an  angelic  guise  that  I  opened  my 
heart  to  the  blessed  visitor  unaware.  She  thought  she 
loved  me,  and  I  intended  to  be  most  generous  with  her. 
I  would  wait  until  she  had  seen  the  world — if  she  found 
a  brighter  and  more  youthful  affection,  I  meant  to  yield 
my  claim.  I  thought  this  would  be  so  when  I  first  heard 
her  speak  of  your  cousin. 

"Meanwhile  I  had  shut  you  entirely  out  of  my  life.  I 
purposely  avoided  hearing  the  slightest  mention  of  your 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  353 

namp.  Judge  of  my  surprise,  therefore,  when  I  met  you 
at  Mrs.  Varick's.  And  that  night  I  knew  no  other  had 
ever  won  your  love.  But  I  was  bound ! 

"  Was  it  Avrong  to  expose  Elsie  to  temptation  ?  Heaven 
knows  that  I  should  have  kept  my  word  faithfully  if  it 
had  been  for  her  happiness.  I  suspected  when  I  brought 
her  home  that  something  had  gone  wrong ;  yet  I  never 
dreamed  of  her  making  this  sacrifice.  My  noble-hearted 
Elsie  !  She  longed  so  for  you  that  I  sent ;  and  I  resolved 
then  to  fathom  this  mystery  to  the  uttermost  depths.  But 
it  was  confessed  in  a  way  that  I  had  not  counted  on ;  and 
that  night  I  was  as  much  in  doubt  as  ever  in  regard  to 
your  love  for  me.  Why  did  you  never  betray  yourself? 
Your  control  is  like  adamant." 

"  Was,"  I  said,  softly.     "  It  never  can  be  again." 

"My  darling,  will  you  let  me  reign?  I  believe  most  of 
my  injustice  has  arisen  from  a  fear  of  your  love.  Can  I 
take  it  to  my  soul,  and  hold  it  as  my  .very  own,  never 
to  doubt  again  ?  Will  you  be  patient  until  my  wild  pas- 
sion is  trained  into  tender,  unselfish  love?  For  it  can  be 
done." 

I  glanced  into  the  deep,  ardent  eyes.  Ah !  was  it  not  a 
dream  ?  Could  it  be  that  I  had  gained  the  place  better 
than  all  —  a  home  in  the  heart  of  one  who  held  my  very 
soul  in  thrall  ?  At  rest  and  content.  What  blissful  words ! 

We  wandered  up  and  down  the  shady  walk,  confessing 
the  follies  of  those  old  days,  and  being  absolved.  •  Was  the 
joy  less  entrancing  for  coming  late?  We  had  both  suf- 
ercd,  both  waited,  and  learned  some  of  the  grand  secrets 
of  life. 

"  My  dear  Sydnie,"  Mrs.  Lawrence  exclaimed,  an  hour 
or  two  later,  "  is  it  true  that   you  are  going  to  marry 
Stuart?     I  am  so  bewildered  by  the  announcement,  that  I 
hardly  know  what  to  believe." 
23 


354:  BYDNIE    ADRIAXCE,  OR 

"It  is  true;"  and  I  blushed  like  a  girl. 

"I  am  so  delighted  !  You  and  Stuart  are  both  odd-;  so 
I  think  you  will  agree.  Only  — "  she  came  near,  and 
looked  intently  in  ray  eyes — "are  you  in  love?  That 
used  to  be  one  of  your  stipulations ; "  and  she  smiled. 

"  I  am  in  love,"  I  confessed. 

"  Then  you  will  be  satisfied.  I  am  sure  that  I  wish  you 
all  happiness.  I  am  glad  matters  have  settled  themselves 
so  well,  for  Elsie's  sake.  I  never  did  quite  approve  of  the 
engagement,  you  know." 

Elsie  was  wild  with  delight.  She  made  Mr.  St.  John 
explain  every  mystery  to  her,  and  assured  herself  that  he 
was  on  the  verge  of  positive  and  complete  happiness. 
As  for  me,  I  was  passive,  content  to  let  another  think 
for  me. 

What  blessed  days  those  were !  Life  rounded  into  per- 
fect cairn,  after  all  its  tempest  and  fierce  tides. 

I  could  hardly  believe  myself  the  object  of  this  great 
tenderness.  Not  that  Mr.  St.  John  had  suddenly  lost  all 
disposition  to  exert  his  power,  but  it  was  softened  by  his 
deep  love,  come  to  a  late  yet  fragrant  blossoming. 

Mrs.  Lawrence  had  reached  the  height  of  satisfaction. 
At  last  there  was  to  be  a  wedding  at  Laurelwood.  They 
overruled  my  faint  objection,  and  determined  thaj,  I  should 
be  married  !)t  the  same  time. 

"  You  need  not  be  afraid  of  old  ghosts,"  Mr.  St.  John 
said,  laughingly  ;  "  they  are  laid  forever." 

And  so  the  preparations  went  on.  Hosts  of  congratu- 
lations came  to  me;  Philip  Westcrvell's,  which  brought 
tears  to  my  eyes,  as  lie  rejoiced  that  his  prayers  for  his 
friend  had  been  answered ;  and  Laura's,  accompanied  by  a 
love-gift,  one  entirely  characteristic  of  her.  I  managed 
to  spend  a  week  with  Anne,  and  gave  ray  cousins  a  few 
hours. 


TRYING  THE  WORLD.  355 

It  is  my  bridal  day. 

Sitting  here,  adding  a  brief  word  to  this  record  of  my 
past,  a  step  startles  me.  I  am  not  so  familiar  with  my 
happiness  that  I  can  take  it  calmly.  Every  pulse  thrills  to 
the  sound  of  the  low,  fond  voice. 

The  leaves  are  slowly  turned  in  spite  of  my  faint  re- 
monstrance. Tender  kisses  fall  upon  my  forehead ;  then 
a  stronger  hand  than  mine  takes  the  pen,  and  writes  in  a 
clear,  bold  manner  — 

" No  longer  your  life,  but  ours" 

I  feel  it ;  and  my  heart  rejoices  that  its  existence  is  to 
be  merged  into  that  of  the  beloved.  With  his  hand 
clasped  in  mine,  I  shall  not  fear. 

We  have  reached  the  fair  land  of  human  affection  — 
we  have  only  to  go  onward  to  the  Eden  of  Divine  love, 
and  the  way  is  fair,  a  path  of  roses  with  but  few  thorns, 
which  God  may  give  us  the  grace  to  miss. 


